I'd welcome your comments on my first submission. Its called The Girl On The Ladder.

Congratulations on your first story. It's not a bad first effort, nice premise, but there are some things which stand out as beginner mistakes.

The first part is written in first person from Laney's point of view. Once you get to the bar however you switch to omnicient third and you are head hopping between the characters. This may sound technical, but the overall effect is to distance the reader from the action just as it gets spicey. The first two women are taken away and we get some information about what is happening to them, but less of the immediacy. It's a 3k word story with nominally three sex scenes, but these are all fairly short. The story could easily have been double the length.

I though the falling of the ladder start was good, but then, once it moved to the bar, I was worried for a while that it had lost it's point. It got it back with the panty guessing game, but that he guessed two of the other four right without the inside information removed some of the tension from his final correct guess. I thought the waking up after a dream was going to be about her falling off a ladder. Instead it turns into this husband and wife thing, which I didn't fully understand, presumably they are stand-in for yourself and your partner. Some of the dialogue tags/turn taking here are wonky so it makes it sound like the husband has messed his Victoria's instead of the wife.

You know this, but messing up the title...isn't great. Nevertheless, the fundamentals idea is hot enough so keep writing.
 
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