internet dating/personals tips

[finaljustice_20]

I've had a bit of 'success' in the past, but it seems it only happens when the female is the one to message me. so I'm wondering if there are any tips for what I can say in the message I send that could help my chances?

I don't go to the actual "internet dating" sites where you have to pay and whatnot, I've just been using myspace and the like. but in the past I would say a couple things about myself and ask a few questions about them, and I would very rarely get a response. I've trimmed that down just to saying something along the lines of "hey.. your page caught my attention. what's up?" if I see something on the page that I found interesting I might mention that, or make some little joke.. other then that lately I've been keeping it as short as possible, and I've gotten a couple replies, but still not much. any tips?

 

[human_male]

Give up. I hate to be a killjoy but the women who look for love online are looking for something very, very specific. No man is likely to fit their criteria. That's why you see the same women (gorgeous women) on multiple sites for month after month.

 

[SweetErika]

Give up. I hate to be a killjoy but the women who look for love online are looking for something very, very specific. No man is likely to fit their criteria. That's why you see the same women (gorgeous women) on multiple sites for month after month.

That's a ridiculous generalization, HM.

I just placed an ad, and it's only as specific as seeking: solid friendship first, honest, intelligent, kind, stable, positive, open-minded, responsible, reliable, good hygiene, giving, communicative, D/D free, sex-positive, and having things in common with me. That's exactly what I'm looking for in both men and women, and then we have to have chemistry and attraction in person, of course.

Yes, some women have a long, detailed (and sometimes impossible) list of qualifications, but the vast majority of us are realistic and seeking the basic ingredients of a quality friendship and relationship.

Gorgeous women who are always on (especially pay sites) may be put there as inducements to sign up/renew, or may have simply forgotten to take their profiles down or changed their email addys.

It makes me sad to see someone as negative and bitter as you portray yourself to be, and I'd bet your attitude is a good portion of the reason for your lack of success in meeting women/dating. In keeping it, you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is a shame because it seems like you could have a lot to offer the right women.

I've had a bit of 'success' in the past, but it seems it only happens when the female is the one to message me. so I'm wondering if there are any tips for what I can say in the message I send that could help my chances?

I don't go to the actual "internet dating" sites where you have to pay and whatnot, I've just been using myspace and the like. but in the past I would say a couple things about myself and ask a few questions about them, and I would very rarely get a response. I've trimmed that down just to saying something along the lines of "hey.. your page caught my attention. what's up?" if I see something on the page that I found interesting I might mention that, or make some little joke.. other then that lately I've been keeping it as short as possible, and I've gotten a couple replies, but still not much. any tips?

I don't use Myspace, but I'm guessing that's why the less involved replies get a few more responses. It seems to have a much different culture and crowd than other sites, and people are likely used to getting a lot more shorter responses.

If you ever decide to try actual dating sites (there are some good free ones out there, like OKCupid), you may want to give the more involved notes a good chance because a lot of us are looking for them, and they tend to distinguish the people who are really interested from the crowd.

Even on Myspace, you might try tailoring the type of note to each woman's profile - someone who seems very thoughtful might respond better to a more thoughtful style than someone whose profile is less thoughtful/detailed.

Think about what questions you were asking, too. Sometimes I get questions that make it seem like the person didn't read my profile, aren't clear, are too personal, general, or even offensive. Ones that seem like they're not me-specific or don't spark a good conversation can also be problematic. But, again, I'm not trying to use Myspace to find partners, so I'm not sure of what works there.

How's your profile? Did you put a lot of effort into giving people a good idea of who you are? Are your spelling and grammar correct? Do you share things that are likely to inspire interest and conversation? Does it stand out in a good way?

Are you in the main Myspace demographic (i.e. do you have a lot in common with those who use the site and the women you're contacting)? Do you know if the women you're contacting are looking for the same thing as you are, or is it likely most of them are just looking for friends/company?

At least those are some of the things I'd think about if I were you. Hopefully it helps a little, or provides some measure of reassurance.

 

[DrHappy]

I'm married to someone that I met through internet dating. I'll first suggest that as a guy, your chances of actually meeting someone will likely increase if you use a legitimate pay site. There's a phenomenon that I call "dating ADD" which happens to women who are bombarded with non-stop men on internet dating sites. Even if you are appear to be interesting to her, that interest will be diluted by several other "interesting" and "interested" guys who are contacting her. These women aren't unnecessarily shallow, and you aren't necessarily doing anything wrong, but the numbers are typically against men when using a free dating service.

Include some specifics about yourself in your profile. Things like "nice" and "easygoing" are pretty vague and generic. Mention specific interests, hobbies, or books that could be future topics of conversation.

I tried match, eharmony, and some other one. I met various people through match, but it was a lot more work per date that it was for eharmony. Eharmony only lets you see and contact people who it deems are compatible for each other. I don't think that it is a perfect algorithm, but I think that it's pretty good. I met closer matches via eharmony than through match.com. Because of this, school teachers tend to use this service. Students can't find you and send your profile to everyone in school. This reduces the dataset for both men and women. The rejection process is also more efficient, so you don't have to compose a thoughtful email before the girl ignores you I met some really nice people, even if we weren't exactly what we were looking for.

Persistence: This is also an efficient way to be rejected Keep a thick skin and take a break every now and then.

 

[Chicklet]

When men message me, I like to see well formed sentences with more than just one come on line. I like a picture right away, because otherwise they get lost in the crowd. I suggest just babbling away about something, don't give too much information up about yourself because it sounds desperate. Don't say anything about your mother or what you want in the long term. Just be friendly. And women can detect a standard fit all letter that you copy/paste in emails.

good luck

 

[precious105]

I agree with chicklet on this one. I hate it when I get an e-mail saying hey your hot, or something along those lines.

I've responded to a few myspace messages, but really only when the guy leaves a open ended question (huh never thought of that till now). Its a lot easier to answer a question in a response mail than to think of something fun and witty to say back. All in all I've only met a few people off online sites and I haven't really had a whole bunch of luck. I'm sure things will fall into place one day though.

 

[rydia57]

I'm net dating too, most of the time I let the guys message me. Sometimes tho, I find a good profile and message them. It seems most guys, (not all thank goodness) are looking for a one nighter. Since I have had some luck on these sites finding guys to date, I continue to have hope, HOPE HM.... they're out there!

 

[human_male]

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[SexyAxeSlinger]

Internet dating can work if it's done right and doing it very carefully.

 

[lacey_pearl]

.....

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I've had a bit of 'success' in the past, but it seems it only happens when the female is the one to message me. so I'm wondering if there are any tips for what I can say in the message I send that could help my chances?

I don't go to the actual "internet dating" sites where you have to pay and whatnot, I've just been using myspace and the like. but in the past I would say a couple things about myself and ask a few questions about them, and I would very rarely get a response. I've trimmed that down just to saying something along the lines of "hey.. your page caught my attention. what's up?" if I see something on the page that I found interesting I might mention that, or make some little joke.. other then that lately I've been keeping it as short as possible, and I've gotten a couple replies, but still not much. any tips?

I will kind of agree with HR in that, it can be a lost cause, more so on places like myspace where it's basically high school all over again. I have been to a few sites in the past, things like plentyoffish and I say a lot is pointless because the vast majority of girls in the profile all want the "hot" guy, and after a few PM's and no replies you find out you may not be one of them, there goes your confidence. I will not bash online dating but rather, say watch where you go. Myspace, facebook, plentyoffish sites are fine, but they are free and open to the public and people are snobs on their. On a pay site, you are more likely to find people looking for a relationship rather then "the hot guy" and have standards that are normal. As was said, the girls have such high standards they sit on those sites forever. Hot guy, car, this and that, blah blah.

As for your message. Comment on something in their profile. NEVER go in looking for a relationship because it's doomed. You need to find an interest on their page that you have and go with a simple (if they like say Sports) "Hello, I'm (name) and noticed your a hockey fan. I am in love with the sport and if you wanted to talk hockey sometime, message me".

Something like that is simple, direct to a thing they enjoy and they are more willing to add you to chat lists because they can talk about something. It's nice to have a fall back when A/S/L questions are all done and asked.

 

[shy slave]

Give up. I hate to be a killjoy but the women who look for love online are looking for something very, very specific. No man is likely to fit their criteria. That's why you see the same women (gorgeous women) on multiple sites for month after month.

I agree with Sweet Erica. What a ridiculous statement.
I met my ex and Andante online. It works as well as the people on there want it to work.

Of course there are wannabes and players, but you meet them in r/l as well, they are not specific to online.

I don't have any tips for you.
Personally I didn't (and don't) like messages that are too personal from the begining and written as if they actually know me.

I think dating sites are better than non-dating, that way you know they are actually looking for someone instead of getting disheartened when they don't respond t you, or the messages die out.

Good luck, finding the right relationship is never easy, but it does happen

 

[Leah57]

I have to agree with SweetErika and the others also.

I can't speak for anything other than what I've used.... met my former BF online in a chatroom (relationship lasted 5 years, 4 of that was LDR and the reason for the split). Met my current BF using a paid dating/matching service (think: YEEHAW!) We've been together over 4.5 years and going VERY strongly. We started out with "Hey, I like your profile - see you're looking for someone to just chat... wanna chat?"... traded EMails a couple times, then IMs, then met about 3 months later. The rest, they say, is history.

 

[human_male]

I apologise for my comment. I didn't mean no one, EVER finds success on those sites. That would be a ridiculous generalisation. I can only speak from experience. I went years, sending message after message and either being shot down or ignored. And no I didn't say anything like "wanna fuck?" and yes I had a picture. I got female advice for my profile and nothing made a lick of difference. It's true about what I said about very attractive women being there for month after month because although they probably get dozens of messages a day, none of the men are ever good enough. And I know about pretend adds that pay sites use, and I can tell the difference. I'm not a moron. Give me some credit.

I based my comment on the innumerable profiles I saw with one or two lines about the woman herself and a whole paragraph of what she expected to find in a partner. All the adds with things like "must be professional" and "no uggos or fatties" and so on.

And if you debate that... how many women here have actually read any profiles of women seeking men, or contacted them? Very few. So how would you know? And if you have a reasonable list of criteria in your own profile how many men have you rejected who fitted that criteria but who you just didn't like anyway?

So I will apologise to finaljustice, it wasn't a very helpful comment and one shouldn't generalise like that. Thank you so much to everyone who pounced on me to point that out.

 

[eudaemonia]

Give up. I hate to be a killjoy but the women who look for love online are looking for something very, very specific. No man is likely to fit their criteria. That's why you see the same women (gorgeous women) on multiple sites for month after month.

<pisssed off>You know, h_m, I have no patience for you this time. And I'm going to be really blunt: You're your own worst enemy.

You've been given a lot of excellent advice by many of the lovely, gorgeous, sexy-hot women here. It's amazing that you feel the need to come back and decry the efforts of a few brave souls who have the guts to try to find what you're so desperately wanting yourself.

Maybe I'm just a bit touchy b/c I've been giving internet dating thing a whirl. And although I'm not finding much luck so far, it's really a downer to come in here after months away and read your same sorry crap.

Get a grip.

</pissed off>

With that out of the way, I apologize for some of my harshness, HM. I really do wish you the best in finding true love and happiness.

I based my comment on the innumerable profiles I saw with one or two lines about the woman herself and a whole paragraph of what she expected to find in a partner. All the adds with things like "must be professional" and "no uggos or fatties" and so on.

If it's any consolation, the "must be professional", "no uggos or fatties" I see in ads from men gets to me, too. Apparently, a size 10/12 is considered fat by a lot of guys (I guess for those trying for the size 2s and 4s w/faces to "take home to mother.")

 

[rydia57]

<pisssed off>You know, h_m, I have no patience for you this time. And I'm going to be really blunt: You're your own worst enemy.

You've been given a lot of excellent advice by many of the lovely, gorgeous, sexy-hot women here. It's amazing that you feel the need to come back and decry the efforts of a few brave souls who have the guts to try to find what you're so desperately wanting yourself.

Maybe I'm just a bit touchy b/c I've been giving internet dating thing a whirl. And although I'm not finding much luck so far, it's really a downer to come in here after months away and read your same sorry crap.

Get a grip.

</pissed off>

With that out of the way, I apologize for some of my harshness, HM. I really do wish you the best in finding true love and happiness.



If it's any consolation, the "must be professional", "no uggos or fatties" I see in ads from men gets to me, too. Apparently, a size 10/12 is considered fat by a lot of guys (I guess for those trying for the size 2s and 4s w/faces to "take home to mother.")

Say it again!

 

[human_male]

<pisssed off>You know, h_m, I have no patience for you this time. And I'm going to be really blunt: You're your own worst enemy.

You've been given a lot of excellent advice by many of the lovely, gorgeous, sexy-hot women here. It's amazing that you feel the need to come back and decry the efforts of a few brave souls who have the guts to try to find what you're so desperately wanting yourself.

Maybe I'm just a bit touchy b/c I've been giving internet dating thing a whirl. And although I'm not finding much luck so far, it's really a downer to come in here after months away and read your same sorry crap.

Get a grip.

</pissed off>

With that out of the way, I apologize for some of my harshness, HM. I really do wish you the best in finding true love and happiness.



If it's any consolation, the "must be professional", "no uggos or fatties" I see in ads from men gets to me, too. Apparently, a size 10/12 is considered fat by a lot of guys (I guess for those trying for the size 2s and 4s w/faces to "take home to mother.")

Don't worry, I'm leaving.

 

[pampermint]

I do the online thing often because I have no social skills whatsoever to just walk right up to someone and just start a conversation. And my social circle is small, so I can't just ask my friends to hook me up with someone. And my jobs are not the best place to look for people to date. And I hate going to bars What I look for in a reply to my ad is someone that is able to talk back and forth through emails without being generic. I put an ad up on craigslist (hey, it is free and I have had some very good results in the past) last week or so and make sure my ad is more on the creative side. Helps me get the creative replies that I am looking for. Personally, I just hate it when people reply "hey, if you like my pic, hit me back." Ummm, ok... Give me something to want to write back to you about!

 

[eudaemonia]

Give me something to want to write back to you about!

It would seem natural, now wouldn't it.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

It would seem natural, now wouldn't it.

This is why I disliked even trying to go to sites to make friends online because you basically have a little box and about 100 words to sell yourself, but you can't give your resume off.

It is funny to read those messages though. The best is to reply to those people. As a male, yes it is funny.

Girl: "If you like my pic, hit me up"

My reply: "Ok I will, but the baby will be your responsibility, and I am not getting up at 2am to feed it."

That actually would get me contact info because it is unexpected and funny. As for being the sender and trying to "sell yourself", we this is a reason why online dating is hired, because even social people can't type their self out into a box.

 

[guy4u112]

I had to say somthing on this subject. I for one tried the Internet dating for about a year and a half.

I found out that there is 2 "types" of women on those sites...the ones who actually want to meet guys and the other ones (very very small %). The second group of girls is composed of the same girls you will find at bars or any other "good" "pick up location". In their profiles, they will say things like... "Tired of the bar scene, want to give this a try" or "here goes nothing" or other comments that dont sound as positive as the other one. The important thing to remember is that they actually don't want to meet a guy online, they are worried about what the mother will think (or other relative) or worse...their freinds.

I even think that girls act that way instinctively, they don't even know they do it.

Right now, my profile starts with this question: Is society ready for Internet dating?

It has been bad for getting messages beacuse, it's a negative statement and it really (at least I think) eliminates a hole bunch of "prospects". I dont care for this beacuse I pretty much given up this dating technique. I actually wanted to discuss this with you girls.

Beacuse I'm a eternal optimist, I still go back once and a while to send messages just in case.

I have been on dates but I was not attracted to them physically so that's a big show stopper.

Anyway, what do you guys think, I'm open to comments. And I ask again...

IS SOCIETY READY FOR INTERNET DATING???

PS: Sorry for the bad english, it's my 2nd language and I try real hard

 

[emap]

It does work eventually. Internet dating is basically the same thing as going on alot of blind dates and asking out the cute guy you stand behind in line at the grocery store. YOu eventually will find the right person, you just have to go through alot of the wrong person first. It being online and exposing you to alot more people however means you get alot more wrong persons.

Which gives most the idea it doesn't work, it does you just have to be at it for a while.

The most important thing that guys don't know how to do is to be original, not the same thing as the next guy. If you don't stand out you blend into the guy next to you and the one after you, and that means no messages.

You don't have to write up a War and Peace profile either, just do a few things that sort you out from the rest of the guys. Stay away form sizes, don't talk about walks on the beach and such, those are all old hat and very overdone. If you really love a walk on the beach, talk about why.

 

[rydia57]

Even if I had girlfriends I wouldn't be worried about what they thought. They got dates, I don't so my opinion and his are the only ones that count.

I think at least half of society is ready for computer dating. The others are still convinced you have to meet someone like in the 50s out on the street a pub a niteclub, somewhere where its face first, mind last. My cousin is dying for a date, but he's convinced that the net is wrong, and it's wrong to meet people that way. I figure if you like my thoughts where I'm coming from... maybe my geel/pervy persona, get to know me...Oy!

 

[lindahotstuff]

As a woman who posts quite a lot and gets heaps of uninvited emails, what REALLY puts me off are the number of one or two liners from guys who want a fuck but can't string a sentence together. Guys, tell us something about you, what you look like is OK (more than your cock please), give us a word picture, what your interests are, what you like/dislike etc. Give us girls a way of telling whether you are an interesting person or not. I posted the other day and got 30 PMs but only bothered to reply to 2 guys who took the time to say something interesting. We women want someone who can converse, of course I like to fuck too, but guys who contact me (being in Oz helps of course) have a much better chance if they stimulate my brain before my pussy. Come on guys, learn to express yourselves.

 

[sinistersam88]

Helpful

That's a ridiculous generalization, HM.

I just placed an ad, and it's only as specific as seeking: solid friendship first, honest, intelligent, kind, stable, positive, open-minded, responsible, reliable, good hygiene, giving, communicative, D/D free, sex-positive, and having things in common with me. That's exactly what I'm looking for in both men and women, and then we have to have chemistry and attraction in person, of course.

Yes, some women have a long, detailed (and sometimes impossible) list of qualifications, but the vast majority of us are realistic and seeking the basic ingredients of a quality friendship and relationship.

Gorgeous women who are always on (especially pay sites) may be put there as inducements to sign up/renew, or may have simply forgotten to take their profiles down or changed their email addys.

It makes me sad to see someone as negative and bitter as you portray yourself to be, and I'd bet your attitude is a good portion of the reason for your lack of success in meeting women/dating. In keeping it, you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is a shame because it seems like you could have a lot to offer the right women.



I don't use Myspace, but I'm guessing that's why the less involved replies get a few more responses. It seems to have a much different culture and crowd than other sites, and people are likely used to getting a lot more shorter responses.

If you ever decide to try actual dating sites (there are some good free ones out there, like OKCupid), you may want to give the more involved notes a good chance because a lot of us are looking for them, and they tend to distinguish the people who are really interested from the crowd.

Even on Myspace, you might try tailoring the type of note to each woman's profile - someone who seems very thoughtful might respond better to a more thoughtful style than someone whose profile is less thoughtful/detailed.

Think about what questions you were asking, too. Sometimes I get questions that make it seem like the person didn't read my profile, aren't clear, are too personal, general, or even offensive. Ones that seem like they're not me-specific or don't spark a good conversation can also be problematic. But, again, I'm not trying to use Myspace to find partners, so I'm not sure of what works there.

How's your profile? Did you put a lot of effort into giving people a good idea of who you are? Are your spelling and grammar correct? Do you share things that are likely to inspire interest and conversation? Does it stand out in a good way?

Are you in the main Myspace demographic (i.e. do you have a lot in common with those who use the site and the women you're contacting)? Do you know if the women you're contacting are looking for the same thing as you are, or is it likely most of them are just looking for friends/company?

At least those are some of the things I'd think about if I were you. Hopefully it helps a little, or provides some measure of reassurance.

Dear Erika,

Your advise has been really helpful

Thanks