invitation for public slicing, dicing, and other constructive skewering

[legerdemer]

Thanks, you Aussie provocateur... lots to ponder from down under.

Wetness and wet so close together created a poetry sonic echo, the I kinda didnt like.

Do you need naked as an opening word? Where's the tease (besides me )

Our appetites fully whetted, I dont know about fully, it seems either redundant or needing replacing?
Would drop the

Our

From

our tissues engorged, you have our in the line before so its repeat I don't think is neccessary

Possibly re-word here,

From

As we fell upon each other

To

We fell on each other ( to me reads stronger and more primal)

I eould change this up a bit,

Deep inside, my wetness tight
around you,
my lips - no matter which -
tasted your every inch



Deep inside,
I wrap (or wrapped) tight around you,
my lips - no matter which -
tasted your every inch

Personal pronoun "I" here to make it more immediate than my
It also drops wetness and to me the wet in the next stanza is stronger.

 

[legerdemer]

Wetness and wet so close together created a poetry sonic echo, the I kinda didnt like.

Do you need naked as an opening word? Where's the tease (besides me )

Our appetites fully whetted, I dont know about fully, it seems either redundant or needing replacing?
Would drop the

Our

From

our tissues engorged, you have our in the line before so its repeat I don't think is neccessary


Possibly re-word here,

From

As we fell upon each other

To

We fell on each other ( to me reads stronger and more primal)



I eould change this up a bit,

Deep inside, my wetness tight
around you,
my lips - no matter which -
tasted your every inch



Deep inside,
I wrap (or wrapped) tight around you,
my lips - no matter which -
tasted your every inch


Personal pronoun "I" here to make it more immediate than my
It also drops wetness and to me the wet in the next stanza is stronger.

To me, naked immediately set the mood. But you may be right, and I will try it without for a few days, see how I like it.

Good call; I deleted the first 'our' and left the second, since the middle line immediately follows "the time we first met".

I went halfsies with you: took away the 'as' but left the 'upon' - for some reason, it suits my ear better.

I didn't want to use wrap/wrapped again, as I already have in S2 L7. But I agree about the wetness, so I'm trying "squeezed" instead.

Thank you, Tods - your thoughts were much appreciated.

 

[legerdemer]

Very nice! Just a thought:

as lust gave way to the ardent.

Lust is a thought. "The ardent" is too but suggests enthusiasm that acts upon lust, leaving the reader to imagine the "tainted love" that comes next. "Tainted love" (I think) has already been inferred, but maybe not enough for your satisfaction.

You make very good points here, gm. But this is not a job for subtlety. In fact, I went the other direction... In one version I substituted 'blossomed into' for 'gave way to', and it seemed entirely too delicate. Sometimes a hammer is what is called for. But I may change my mind with more thinking.

I really tried to ratchet up the language as the poem went along, to signal the propelling of emotion.

 

[legerdemer]

Under the sheet
cotton brushes my skin
caresses me as if it were
your hands stroking my
breasts, cupping my hip.
Mapping me for future
dreams.

That time we first met
appetites fully whetted
our tissues engorged
sweat drenching sheets
pillows under ass cheeks
we fell upon each other
you wrapped around me
pressed hard to my back,
I felt your quiver, your rise
with our need, dipping into
wet anticipation, sl i i i i i ding
into folds oiled by
fingers exploring
tunnels and towers.
We feasted and slavered.
I swallowed you whole
while your tongue traveled
into and over and under.

Deep inside, I squeezed you tight
my lips - no matter which -
tasted your every inch.

I get wet just thinking
how quickly we threw
shyness overboard.

That very first time, we learned
we were better speaking Braille
and more fluent in bodily fluids.

I miss your passion, your smile
the hungry eyes: impatient,
guileless, seething with the
promise of feathery touches
as lust erupted into ardent, tainted love.

 

[legerdemer]

Priceless Booty

Hiking boots were the very first
thick leather - scuffed, heavy soles
secure footsteps, power coursing
up from hillsides and mountains -
making my father proud.

I couldn't bear to leave them
when, with fears and insecurity
and best clothes packed,
all in one suitcase,
I changed address, language
and culture -
all in one day.

The next, tan walking boots
wool frill round the ankle;
Then Frye's hugging the calf, square-toed,
the rounded heavy heel's
decisive step,
fake confidence
conferred.

And on and on.

Until... I saw the dark red
leather, so smooooth under
my palm; the straps and buckles
cinching the foot and leg.
They were a fortune!
yet made me queen
for a day
each and every time,
eager to play, to show
my real confidence.

I wore them out threefold
and finally had to give them
up, to rest with boots of old.
They watched me change
and learn to hold my own.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

These lines made me stop to figure out your intention (which may be precisely what you want):

they were a fortune
yet made me queen
yor a day

The "yet" makes me think that you mean "they cost a fortune". But since you don't actually say that, I wonder whether you intend some larger, more metaphysical meaning.

 

[legerdemer]

These lines made me stop to figure out your intention (which may be precisely what you want):

they were a fortune
yet made me queen
for a day

The "yet" makes me think that you mean "they cost a fortune". But since you don't actually say that, I wonder whether you intend some larger, more metaphysical meaning.

Both, actually. An expense out-sized compared to the need, but one that had added benefits, in a prescient kind of way. To say "they cost a fortune" seemed both too boring and inaccurate because the phrase doesn't cover "it", that inexpressible and unplanned "it".

Thanks for reading, AH.

 

[legerdemer]

Compound Character Sketch #32 (edited)

He likes his paintings black and white,
reframes his thoughts, the shapes defined,
delineated, edges sharp, all in their place:
a clear surmise, no single strand misplaced.

He likes his rhythms regular, realigns
his stories to fit his mood, the moment
and his listeners, laughs received more
critical than truth. He makes up jokes

at the expense of others. Nothing too mean,
just a little cutting, shaving the confidence
of his audience, trimming the outline -
no single thing to point a finger at.

And all for the honor of shining, a solar
flare in his cold universe, a spotlight's
distant warmth more comfortable than
real flesh and blood wrapped around him.

He is one of those wood puzzles that I
bounce against a wall of frustration,
scatter his pieces to crunch under oblivious
shoes. His condescension burns,
but no more than my sense of being tricked.

 

[legerdemer]

Imperfect Perpetuity

Bittersweet days pour endlessly in the hourglass.
Tear-stained, I watch the sand grains, recalling
our past pluperfect, enmeshed in each other
in dreams that led us to forget ourselves.

I've tried to shelve the days and nights
of "...wish we were..."
scanned stark horizons for what will be.
I fear I will need to scour my mind free
of any part of you. I've now buried us
where our hearts beat in silent unison.

Sadness and yearning, clamoring,
brought us together. We shifted
sand dunes to make our treasured moments,
those memories tattooed under our skin
as foreboding angels danced on devils' pins.

And so I sit, watching days slip,
still bittersweet, one grain at a time -
each grown into a pearl of wonder,
worn near my heart until our days run out.

If we could only turn the hourglass without
spilling what anchors us in fertile soil,
and plant our memories to feed the roses.

 

[legerdemer]

Hotwire Me, Lover!

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
dispels the shocks of my modesty,
suspends my disbelief.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
dispels the shocks of my modesty,
suspends my disbelief.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

"Suspends my disbelief" seems inconsistent with your metaphor.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
dispels the shocks of my modesty,
suspends my disbelief.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

"Suspends my disbelief" seems inconsistent with your metaphor.

Agreed. Everything else is wonderful wordplay. "Suspends my disbelief of dirt roads/with their frost heaves" would have worked for me, although to someone who's never lived on a country road as I do in northern New England and has to have wheel alignments too often, they probably wouldn't understand.

 

[legerdemer]

"Suspends my disbelief" seems inconsistent with your metaphor.

Agreed. Everything else is wonderful wordplay. "Suspends my disbelief of dirt roads/with their frost heaves" would have worked for me, although to someone who's never lived on a country road as I do in northern New England and has to have wheel alignments too often, they probably wouldn't understand.

Since both of you commented on this: 'suspends my disbelief' was meant as a comment on the previous - the coiling of springs and dispelling shocks of modesty - alluding to the suspension of the car in a tongue-in-cheek way.

I guess it did not work very well...

 

[legerdemer]

Since both of you commented on this: 'suspends my disbelief' was meant as a comment on the previous - the coiling of springs and dispelling shocks of modesty - alluding to the suspension of the car in a tongue-in-cheek way.

I guess it did not work very well...

Agreed. Everything else is wonderful wordplay. "Suspends my disbelief of dirt roads/with their frost heaves" would have worked for me, although to someone who's never lived on a country road as I do in northern New England and has to have wheel alignments too often, they probably wouldn't understand.

Is this any better? (not sure I like it, but I'll keep it here as an experiment for a bit)

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
shocks my modesty,
holds my disbelief in suspension.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Since both of you commented on this: 'suspends my disbelief' was meant as a comment on the previous - the coiling of springs and dispelling shocks of modesty - alluding to the suspension of the car in a tongue-in-cheek way.

The allusion to an automotive suspension was pretty clear, I thought. But what doesn't work for me is your coupled allusion to "willing suspension of disbelief" -- that's what, to my mind, doesn't fit in. That expression normally refers to a person who is reading or viewing fiction or drama -- I can't figure out what role that plays in your poem. Now, there are other things which you might "suspend"-- maybe propriety?

 

[legerdemer]

The allusion to an automotive suspension was pretty clear, I thought. But what doesn't work for me is your coupled allusion to "willing suspension of disbelief" -- that's what, to my mind, doesn't fit in. That expression normally refers to a person who is reading or viewing fiction or drama -- I can't figure out what role that plays in your poem. Now, there are other things which you might "suspend"-- maybe propriety?

I see....

I suspended my propriety rather long ago... I shall give it more thought.

Thanks for the feedback, AH.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Is this any better? (not sure I like it, but I'll keep it here as an experiment for a bit)

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
shocks my modesty,
holds my disbelief in suspension.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

I miswrote in my earlier comment, Mer. What I was trying to express was that I thought it was weak, compared to the other lines. I didn't know why "disbelief" was in the poem. Its inclusion suggested, to me at least, something less frolicksome than the other lines. E.g., "I'm not worthy" or "I don't trust men; I've been hurt before."

 

[legerdemer]

I miswrote in my earlier comment, Mer. What I was trying to express was that I thought it was weak, compared to the other lines. I didn't know why "disbelief" was in the poem. Its inclusion suggested, to me at least, something less frolicksome than the other lines. E.g., "I'm not worthy" or "I don't trust men; I've been hurt before."

No no no! I meant it in exactly the opposite way - to allude to the "wonderousness" and marvelousness of the interactions that were unbelievably good. I wonder, is this unusually lighthearted for me?

 

[greenmountaineer]

No no no! I meant it in exactly the opposite way - to allude to the "wonderousness" and marvelousness of the interactions that were unbelievably good. I wonder, is this unusually lighthearted for me?

Interesting, Mer. It wouldn't be the first time a reader projected his own bias into a poem that meant just the opposite. I'm reminded that T.S. Eliot, who had very conservative views, was amused how some left leaning intellectuals at the time misinterpreted portions of "The Wasteland."

That said, I still think "disbelief" could at least use an adjective to nudge it in the direction you intended.

No I don't it's too light hearted for you. The word play was fun. If someday you want to expand the poem, I'd consider something like secretly hoping to get a flat tire during a moonlit summer night by the beach. In that manner the imagery is extended beyond the engine and chassis.

 

[champagne1982]

Set fire to my spark plugs, baby,
combust my insides!
Your touch coils my springs,
dispels the shocks of my modesty,
suspends my disbelief.
No one oils my pan all over like you...
Your steam simply freezes my engines
even as it shakes them apart at the seams.

Hi Mer. I quite like it.

I agree that "holds my disbelief in suspension" doesn't seem in keeping with the sly sexiness of the poem. Perhaps because the phrase is one dimensional and doesn't allude to anything concrete, rather it's in a more ephemeral direction and alludes to the mind and emotions. I was thinking you may consider a double entendre like, "holds my stockings in suspension". When I read that I'm still grabbing disbelief because of the construct but I'm also imagining some sexy undercarriage dressed in a garter belt and silk stockings with back seams. ermm.. ahem.

Have you read e. e. cummings - she being brand or even my own poem The Oil Change as examples of car metaphors? If not, I would certainly recommend cummings' poem.

You have a sexy and fun little read here, I hope my input can help clarify where I see room for improvement.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Happy July 4th.

http://flashbak.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/sex-sells-auto-parts-1.jpg

 

[legerdemer]

A Lover's Wish (edited L3)

Were I to write my love upon your skin
With silver nib, a gift of midnight blue
To goddesses of old, an ink tattoo,
Or carve the words in stone, I would not win.
I cannot mark you mine: the spinning threads -
Their web speaks louder than the seal of gold
That binds your life, forever keeps your soul
Tied to another, as my sadness spreads.

And yet you are still mine to love and woo,
And cosset, if I could; perhaps I'll send
You words on swallows' wings, or caws of crows.
I wish to leave behind my love for you
In this rued world, that hundred years would spend
And not dissolve the spell your love now throws.

AH is allergic to the penultimate line, but haven't got an edit for it yet.

 

[greenmountaineer]

A Lover's Wish (edited L3)

Were I to write my love upon your skin
With silver nib, a gift of midnight blue
To goddesses of old, an ink tattoo,
Or carve the words in stone, I would not win.
I cannot mark you mine: the spinning threads -
Their web speaks louder than the seal of gold
That binds your life, forever keeps your soul
Tied to another, as my sadness spreads.

And yet you are still mine to love and woo,
And cosset, if I could; perhaps I'll send
You words on swallows' wings, or caws of crows.
I wish to leave behind my love for you
In this rued world, that hundred years would spend
And not dissolve the spell your love now throws.

AH is allergic to the penultimate line, but haven't got an edit for it yet.

Wonderful edit, Mer. I love the change in line 3, in particular, and wonder how I missed the word pairing when I commented on it in "New Poems." "Inked tattoo," although redundant, works for me because the hard consonants slow my reading of the poem towards the end of the line to make me think more of the image.

I happen to like the penultimate line because of the double entendre of "rued/rude," both of which fit the narrative IMO, although I would ditch the comma because I don't think it's necessary.

What a beautiful sonnet!

 

[legerdemer]

Wonderful edit, Mer. I love the change in line 3, in particular, and wonder how I missed the word pairing when I commented on it in "New Poems." "Inked tattoo," although redundant, works for me because the hard consonants slow my reading of the poem towards the end of the line to make me think more of the image.

I happen to like the penultimate line because of the double entendre of "rued/rude," both of which fit the narrative IMO, although I would ditch the comma because I don't think it's necessary.

What a beautiful sonnet!

Thank you, gm - I'm glad you like it. I'm surprised that I didn't make that change earlier (I was aware of the syllable stress issue), but I may have worried about it being too obvious, hitting the thing with a hammer.

The comma in that L13 is there to slow the phrase down - if I were to say the poem out loud, I would be hard-pressed to have enough breath to go through the whole three lines. AH didn't like the awkward grammar of it, which I admit is rather convoluted.

It's only my third sonnet. AH "twisted" my arm to write the first (which required at least 4 interventions by him to get the meter right), and the second was a redo of a free verse poem I'd written before (I may put it up here). I'm happy that the need for interventions is getting less and less, but it's not yet zero.

 

[Angeline]

A Lover's Wish (edited L3)

Were I to write my love upon your skin
With silver nib, a gift of midnight blue
To goddesses of old, an ink tattoo,
Or carve the words in stone, I would not win.
I cannot mark you mine: the spinning threads -
Their web speaks louder than the seal of gold
That binds your life, forever keeps your soul
Tied to another, as my sadness spreads.

And yet you are still mine to love and woo,
And cosset, if I could; perhaps I'll send
You words on swallows' wings, or caws of crows.
I wish to leave behind my love for you
In this rued world, that hundred years would spend
And not dissolve the spell your love now throws.

AH is allergic to the penultimate line, but haven't got an edit for it yet.

This is a lovely sonnet Mer. It reads true to the form without sounding archaic, which imho is a feat in itself.

My only quibble is in S1, lines 5-6. I find "...threads - /their..." to be an awkward phrasing with the pronoun directly following the noun to which it refers. To me the enjambment would work better if you got rid of the pronoun: maybe something like "...the spinning threads - /our web - speaks..."

Just my two cents.