Is it menopause or husbands libido-destroying behaviors that is ending sexual intimacy?

[jackthelad11]

Several years ago I told my wife of over 20 years that her enjoying sex was so important to me that I would be fine with her having an occasional few hour fling with other men. I don’t mean having a boyfriend or opening our marriage - I'm taking about occasional one-off no strings attached sex. For example, having sex with a trust-worthy co-worker while away at a business conference.

Why did I do this? Because I believed that after menopause, anything that helped to restore my wife's sexual self-esteem and capacity for lust was ultimately good for our own sexual relationship. And I knew with certainty my wife was not going to leave me and our wonderful family just because she enjoyed 60 minutes of sex with another guy - no matter how great it was. So why should I not allow it, maybe even encourage it?

My permission was sincere and earnest. And I've convinced myself - whether it's true or not - that I'm now be in competition with other men for my wife's sexual affection. Some might think this is outrageous and unhealthy - but I feel like it encourages me to always give and show her my reasonable best. To never take her attraction for me for granted.

She's adamant she has no interest in taking me up on my offer, but I'm not sure that's entirely true - only time will tell. ..In any case, it's a good way to ensure I always tend to my own attractiveness, and try my very best to please her in AND out of bed. I truly believe that this at least partly explains why after nearly 35 years of marriage, we still have sex 2-3 times a week, and quite often initiated by her.

You say your wife is adamant she has no interest in taking up your offer........but you're not sure that's entirely true.
Why do you think that? Has she said or done something that has made you doubt her?

 

[TemptationTango]

Romance and white teeth will never trump zero female hormones. Unless hormone therapy is started and maintained....it's game over. You can't beat a royal flush in 5 card stud.....

 

[LMWM321]

Unless hormone therapy is started and maintained....it's game over. You can't beat a royal flush in 5 card stud.....

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

 

[LMWM321]

You say your wife is adamant she has no interest in taking up your offer........but you're not sure that's entirely true.
Why do you think that? Has she said or done something that has made you doubt her?

She hasn't traveled to a business conference in quite a while but there are a few coming up. My wife is quite attractive so it's likely some attractive guy she works with will show some interest in her. Until she's in that situation, I don't think she knows exactly how she'll respond. But if she's had a bit of wine and if she truly trusts the guy to be discrete and to fully respect her expressed boundaries, she just might take me up on the offer. At least, that's what I tell myself. And yes, the thought of it does excite me quite a bit.

But whether she does or doesn't isn't important. What matters is I treat my wife as a woman who has other sexual options than just me. So I try to be the most handsome, charming, and exciting man in her orbit. That doesn't mean I always succeed, but I make it my general goal. And I credit this mindset for the great and frequent sex we still have after nearly 35 years of marriage.

 

[TemptationTango]

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

All women are different. Some have no hormones and still have a very high sex drive. Others, like my wife lost all interest in sex & don't care if they never have another O. Then there are those in-between. Consider yourself very lucky, and I am truly happy for those like you. I tried everything for a decade, and yes the cream did help, but it can't create drive, so I gave up. It was a weight off my shoulders to take care of myself for a change & the sex outside of marriage is amazing. She is happier since the whole issue has been put to rest & we get along great.

 

[jackthelad11]

She hasn't traveled to a business conference in quite a while but there are a few coming up. My wife is quite attractive so it's likely some attractive guy she works with will show some interest in her. Until she's in that situation, I don't think she knows exactly how she'll respond. But if she's had a bit of wine and if she truly trusts the guy to be discrete and to fully respect her expressed boundaries, she just might take me up on the offer. At least, that's what I tell myself. And yes, the thought of it does excite me quite a bit.

But whether she does or doesn't isn't important. What matters is I treat my wife as a woman who has other sexual options than just me. So I try to be the most handsome, charming, and exciting man in her orbit. That doesn't mean I always succeed, but I make it my general goal. And I credit this mindset for the great and frequent sex we still have after nearly 35 years of marriage.

I'm am/was in a similar situation as yourself so am a little curious about your experience.

Does your wife know that her being with another man is exciting for you?
Were you always open to your wife being with other men or how did that way of thinking come about?

Sorry for all the questions - I'm not nosey - just curious!!!

 

[LMWM321]

I'm am/was in a similar situation as yourself so am a little curious about your experience.

Does your wife know that her being with another man is exciting for you?
Were you always open to your wife being with other men or how did that way of thinking come about?

Sorry for all the questions - I'm not nosey - just curious!!

No... Definitely was not always okay with it. And yes, my wife knows the idea excites me. But I have never and will never pressure her to do it.

Here's my explanation from a different thread.

why I would let my wife be with another man

 

[Mike302]

I disagree. There are many couples who continue to enjoy sex long after menopause, including my wife and I who have sex 2-3 times per week. My wife is not on HRT but she does use a topical estrogen cream to help with vaginal dryness and restore vaginal elasticity. It works wonders.

Sex after menopause is indeed different. The days of entering her then recklessly pumping away until we cum together are gone forever. Nowadays, it takes more foreplay, more focus on her clitoris, more rimming and fingering her anus, etc. Sometimes this leads to PIV, other times mutual masturbation. We don't always cum, but we ALWAYS enjoy what we did. So our sex life is great.

My wife still finds me sexually attractive, in part because I feel like I need to continue earning her sexual interest in me. I take care of myself, dress nicely around her, and I mind my manners, etc.. I always try to be charming and interested in her. Not bored with her company. I think this helps a lot.

My wife uses a cream like that, and we use water based, food grade lube.

I really missed her V last night, though. We'd teased eachother about protein for her earlier in the evening. Well, I came to bed right after her, but she was already out. Her standing order is for me to wake her up, not go to bed frustrated. She'd rather give me a BJ because it only takes 5-15m and it helps us both sleep. So I do and she's only on me perhaps 3 minutes and I really exploded! It was hard, long lasting, lots of squirts! It faded just a tad, and then I felt like I was going to cum again! That hasn't happened in a long time, though there are times I think I might, but don't. But this time it really felt like I was going to! So I started fucking her mouth, not too deep, which she likes. But being she was tired and mouth probably full of cum (I couldn't tell if she'd swallowed yet) I kept feeling her dang teeth! I needed the grip of her pussy and the keep moving to cum again, but instead I had her loose mouth and pain from scraping her teeth every stroke! It was like I had a great orgasm followed but a "ruined" one! I had to stop.

She apologized and said our angles got messed up and she couldn't keep her teeth off me. Obviously, I'm not going to criticize her, but man, I really needed her pussy last night!