Desire discrepancies - could this partly explain it?

[Iwanttotry7777]

We’re an older couple, my wife’s sexual desire has slowed down considerably over the years. I find myself masturbating and missing the physical contact not just the sex. I get a hug in the afternoon when I get home and I get a peck on the lips before bed time. I guess it’s just the aging process

 

[LMWM321]

We’re an older couple, my wife’s sexual desire has slowed down considerably over the years. I find myself masturbating and missing the physical contact not just the sex. I get a hug in the afternoon when I get home and I get a peck on the lips before bed time. I guess it’s just the aging process

What's older? Sex doesn't need to end, but it does need to change.

Regarding masturbation, will your wife let you do it as you lie beside her so it doesn't feel like a solitary activity? ..Once in awhile if I'm interested in sex but my wife isn't, I'll ask if she minds if I masturbate as she lies in bed reading. She always says "Not at all, go ahead!" ..I will usually ask her to lift her bed shirt so I can look at her breasts as I do it. I tell her I adore her body and looking at them as I do it makes it feel like a shared experience. ..She often (but not always) will say with a smile, "go ahead and glaze them" prompting me to lean over her and cum on them.

While that's technically just me masturbating, it feels way more like a shared activity than my doing it alone while she's at the store, etc..

 

[NancyPan]

I think that women in lesbian relationships do tend to orgasm more than women in heterosexual relationships. And I suspect that has to do with being more in tune with one another. However, even then women do not orgasm as consistently as men. In any case, my point was that sex is not as consistently good (or even satisfactory) for women as it is for men. So, the potential to lose interest in sex or have less interest in sex is increased because the scenario where the sex available to them is just unappealing is increased.

I have seen research reporting that men in heterosexual relationships report orgasms slightly more than 95%, women (sadly) 35%. In contrast, women in lesbian relationships report orgasms in 85% of sexual encounters.

I will attest, anecdotally, that prior to beginning our FLR, those numbers probably fit for us. I always got off. She sometimes did. Now, as in my view it should be, she ALWAYS orgasms. She allows me every month or so, about 10-20% of the time.

 

[NancyPan]

We’re an older couple, my wife’s sexual desire has slowed down considerably over the years. I find myself masturbating and missing the physical contact not just the sex. I get a hug in the afternoon when I get home and I get a peck on the lips before bed time. I guess it’s just the aging process

Age has little to do with it, IMO. In my view it’s making a conscious joint choice to make sexual intimacy a priority. We are also retirement age and have chosen to keep sex an exciting connection between us — and she enjoys her orgasms provided by my oral worship and her vibrator.

 

[LMWM321]

Age has little to do with it, IMO. In my view it’s making a conscious joint choice to make sexual intimacy a priority. We are also retirement age and have chosen to keep sex an exciting connection between us — and she enjoys her orgasms provided by my oral worship and her vibrator.

I think if a woman truly enjoyed sex those last few years before menopause, she'll be more motivated to find a way to enjoy sex after menopause. However, if sex was a toil because of health problems, or because her partner is a selfish and impatient dolt, well, I think a lot of woman will call a halt to sex at that point. Why? because sex after menopause is even MORE demanding of a patient, tender and selfless partner. And if he didn't possess those qualities before, it’s unlikely he'll suddenly change. And post-menopausal sex without such a partner can be unpleasant at best, and painful at worst.

 

[NancyPan]

I think if a woman truly enjoyed sex those last few years before menopause, she'll be more motivated to find a way to enjoy sex after menopause. However, if sex was a toil because of health problems, or because her partner was a selfish and impatient dolt, well, I think a lot of woman will call a halt to sex at that point. Why? because sex after menopause is even MORE demanding of a patient, tender and selfless partner. And if a partner didn't possess those qualities before, she likely sees little hope he'll suddenly change. And post-menopausal sex without such a partner can be unpleasant at best, and painful at worst.

Good point and likely true. I have seen research, though, indicating that many women enjoy sex MORE after menopause. Why? The speculation is that anxiety about pregnancy is gone, they are often feeling of childcare responsibilities, and many have more free time.

In my FLR, it wasn’t long after menopause that she began denying me PIV sex and teaching me better oral service. We both know that her orgasms make both of our lives better and happier. I find it to be a great privilege to give her pleasure and an honor that she enjoys it. She cums much more now than she did before our FLR, much more!

 

[Ed_Sumner]

I think if a woman truly enjoyed sex those last few years before menopause, she'll be more motivated to find a way to enjoy sex after menopause. However, if sex was a toil because of health problems, or because her partner is a selfish and impatient dolt, well, I think a lot of woman will call a halt to sex at that point. Why? because sex after menopause is even MORE demanding of a patient, tender and selfless partner. And if a partner didn't possess those qualities before, it’s unlikely he'll suddenly change. And post-menopausal sex without such a partner can be unpleasant at best, and painful at worst.

 

[LMWM321]

Good point and likely true. I have seen research, though, indicating that many women enjoy sex MORE after menopause. Why? The speculation is that anxiety about pregnancy is gone, they are often feeling of childcare responsibilities, and many have more free time.

I definitely think there is the potential for women to enjoy sex more after menopause and for the reasons you mentioned - ie., no fear or pregnancy, kids have been launched, less focused on career, etc..

One biggie is we're no longer collapsing onto the bed at 11:30p, exhausted from hours of parenting obligations. With our kids raised and gone we can now head to bed to fool around at 9:30. So instead of rushing through sex before we pass out, it's now more deliberate, more sensual..

 

[NancyPan]

I definitely think there is the potential for women to enjoy sex more after menopause and for the reasons you mentioned - ie., no fear or pregnancy, kids have been launched, less focused on career, etc..

One biggie is we're no longer collapsing onto the bed at 11:30p, exhausted from hours of parenting obligations. With our kids raised and gone we can now head to bed to fool around at 9:30. So instead of sex being rushed before we pass out, it's now more deliberate, more sensual..

Yes, this is part of why I don’t buy the “she doesn’t want sex after menopause.” Just like other parts of life, couples who have the most satisfying sex lives are the most deliberate about it. They talk about it, plan for it, make it a priority. They don’t just let it die.

 

[Rob_Royale]

It's a valid point. If you don't put in the effort to look attractive, you really shouldn't complain when he/she is less interested. Yes, they love you but there's a difference between love and desire.

 

[NancyPan]

It's a valid point. If you don't put in the effort to look attractive, you really shouldn't complain when he/she is less interested. Yes, they love you but there's a difference between love and desire.

Agree. However, instilling desire isn’t just about physical attractiveness. It is also about understanding how to be sexy and seductive, how to trigger your partner’s hot buttons. In my case, my wife knows that I am addicted to the scent and taste of her pussy. She uses that knowledge to tease, motivate, and reward me, and certainly to keep me interested.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Agree. However, instilling desire isn’t just about physical attractiveness. It is also about understanding how to be sexy and seductive, how to trigger your partner’s hot buttons. In my case, my wife knows that I am addicted to the scent and taste of her pussy. She uses that knowledge to tease, motivate, and reward me, and certainly to keep me interested.

Agreed. But it often gets the ball rolling. When my wife sees me remove my shirt sometimes it's, 'Yes, I'll have some of that!"

 

[GoodnessO]

Not to be too cynical, but it is also possible that the men those women married were never particularly appealing as sexual partners. For some people of older generations sexual compatibility was a low priority, especially for the women. And especially at a young age where women were very much guided more by notions of sexual modesty than sexual pleasure. A young woman who found a nice young man that could provide a comfortable life and for whom she had some affection dared not consider whether he was a good lover.

I % agree with this post. And just because these are women who came of age after the sexual revolution... I think the majority of middle & lower class America women still have other bigger priorities: a well mannered stable breadwinner who will give them healthy children. Guys, just because you thought your wife used to like sex, it may not be. Even in this day & age, survey says, it's not uncommon for women to fake orgasms. Why? To satisfy their male partner's ego & get him to finish.
Absolutely, for me, no sex is better than bad sex. And what I'm looking for is great sex... mind blowing sex... so much so, it could be considered a kink, LOL.

 

[LMWM321]

Absolutely, for me, no sex is better than bad sex. And what I'm looking for is great sex... mind blowing sex... so much so, it could be considered a kink, LOL.

Okay, but you should maybe consider that this expectation of "mind blowing sex" puts pressure on your partner that can threaten her enjoyment.

As my wife entered menopause, a Sex Therapist encouraged us to quit making orgasm the goal of sex. Instead, our goal now is simply enjoy being naked and doing things for each other that feel good. Is that mind blowing? Well, perhaps not... but because we took away "O" pressure, we now approach sex with excitement instead of apprehension. And are now having it multiple times per week.

 

[policywank]

Okay, but you should maybe consider that this expectation of "mind blowing sex" puts pressure on your partner that can threaten her enjoyment.

As my wife entered menopause, a Sex Therapist encouraged us to quit making orgasm the goal of sex. Instead, our goal now is simply enjoy being naked and doing things for each other that feel good. Is that mind blowing? Well, perhaps not... but because we took away "O" pressure, we now approach sex with excitement instead of apprehension. And are now having it multiple times per week.

From the female perspective the reality is that we are not going to have an orgasm every time we have sex. The frequency varies based upon a whole bunch of factors including the individual. But the bottom line is the female orgasm just isn't as predictable or consistent as the male orgasm. I can still enjoy sex even when I don't orgasm. But one of the things most likely to put a damper on my enjoyment is if I am with a man who is more focussed on his accomplishment than my enjoyment. I don't want to have to pretend just so as not to hurt some guys feelings or deflate his ego.

 

[LMWM321]

I re-read your above post @policywank and changed my reaction to "love". ..Really, we need a better emoji for expressing strong (or total) agreement. The two heart eyes look ridiculous. ..But it's what we have so...

 

[GoodnessO]

Okay, but you should maybe consider that this expectation of "mind blowing sex" puts pressure on your partner that can threaten her enjoyment.

As my wife entered menopause, a Sex Therapist encouraged us to quit making orgasm the goal of sex. Instead, our goal now is simply enjoy being naked and doing things for each other that feel good. Is that mind blowing? Well, perhaps not... but because we took away "O" pressure, we now approach sex with excitement instead of apprehension. And are now having it multiple times per week.

I'm female, & I don't think I put to much pressure on my partner to achieve O's, or to facilitate me achieving O's. I usually orgasm pretty easily... with intercourse.
Some of my close girlfriends, who I discuss sex with, say I'm very lucky that I can orgasm by fucking. Some of them can't... or at least never have... & at this point they probably never will, as they are mature women now & single (divorced). Dating & still having sex, but less frequently.
But definitely, the goal of sex should be pleasure, not orgasms. If you're both (or all) not enjoying, you're doing it wrong.
And I wholeheartedly agree with Policywank's post, too. It's great that there are males out there who want to bring their female partners to orgasm, but the way to get there is simply by following pleasure.

 

[SusanHoward]

I’ll confess that looks matter to me. I love looking attractive, and love that guys look at me!

 

[GoodnessO]

I’ll confess that looks matter to me. I love looking attractive, and love that guys look at me!

Probably not only the guys... I think you look great.

 

[BongoGal]

Some of my close girlfriends, who I discuss sex with, say I'm very lucky that I can orgasm by fucking. Some of them can't... or at least never have... & at this point they probably never will, as they are mature women now & single (divorced).

Unfortunately, I think your 'probably never will' assessment is probably true. Although, I don't doubt that immutable physical differences play a role in women achieving orgasms from penetrative pounding, I have a sneaking suspicion that some women might have 'learned how' if they tried to do it during early solo fun. Way, way back in the day, I had a torrid affair with the handle of my hairbrush. I feel as if I taught myself how to get off with just repeated penetrative pumping.