Is my story *that* bad?

[Jada59]

The only thing I could think of is that is a first person story, they sometimes don't do so well with the other sex reading it.
Also there isn't much of a story to it, I guess that's what you wanted though. It was a very hot sex scene though!

It was a Valentine's Day story so I can't see how to make it much longer. Thanks!

 

[Yerkiddin]

A question: (I haven't yet posted a story) Are you able to revise a story once it's posted, or is it locked, as-posted, from that point on?

 

[LWulf]

A question: (I haven't yet posted a story) Are you able to revise a story once it's posted, or is it locked, as-posted, from that point on?

Yes. Simply put "edit" after the title and resubmit the edited work.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

It has the problems you mentioned with tense. Typos are minor and only noticed on careful examination.

You used the passive voice too often for my liking, and had several misplaced modifiers. Clauses out of place, or improperly punctuated to get the effect you sought. You skipped over some of the action in places to get to the next scene.

I would really have enjoyed the first burrito scene being described as the complete sensual experience the story was building towards at that point. I was left empty when the entire, blindfold build-up, walk through, and everything stopped with a simple grope and feeding.

Why not describe the peppers, flavours, textures, heat, and spice, then return to that later with your second "burrito". As you wrote it, it was simply foreplay with in a place with food, rather than food as the foreplay.

I had the feeling that you had an idea, sat down and 45 minutes later, hit "submit".

Overall not bad, but it could have been so much more if fleshed out and edited.
I do not know if it deserves to be 3.88 or 4.51. It does not deserve to be 4.92.

Ditto to all this.

The only addition I have to LD’s excellent advice and feedback is if you’re really interested in elevating your writing, find ways to avoid cliches. My Burrito was not that bad, but it also was 2300 words that moved nowhere past the expectations you’d already set with the title and the Valentine’s Day theme: a lady had Mexican food and her Latin lover for Valentine’s Day.

Therefore, I think the story suffered from an over use of common romance tropes—the fakeout of a lover’s Valentine’s Day surprise, the lovers’ meal acting as an aphrodisiac/preparation for sex, the Valentine’s Day lingerie gift, a Valentine’s tryst becoming a relationship—and overuse of cliche phrasing. Some may argue that by doing this, you crafted a great story that met readers’ expectations for a Valentine’s Day romance head on; some will argue that your story was cliche, pandering and average at best. I hope that you have more readers who feel the first than the latter, and hope that your score’s risen to your satisfaction. Best of luck.