Is this one sentence clear?

[StillStunned]

We all know what you are, Wanda. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Well, not much.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Or take @SimonDoom's sentence and intensify it by saying "I could see the jet black of her hair, her eyebrows, her eyeshadow, her shirt, her lipstick." Impressing that the speaker is intensely aware of every detail.

Yeah that works, I was trying to avoid direct examples myself, so the author can find their own. But that reads well

 

[AG31]

I love this forum. Twenty seven (now eight) replies to the simplest question possible.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

How about,

She leaned in, staring me right in the face. I didn't look at her directly, but I could see her jet-black hair and eyebrows and eyeshadow and shirt and lipstick, all jet-black

I got the original, but this is indeed clearer.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I'm not sure if I understood that everything was black. In Written in Blood, I used the following description of my lady Vampire, for her first appearance in the tale.

As my eyes adjusted, I scrutinized her more closely. Tall and shapely, she held a steady gaze in my direction, gazing upon me contemplatively. She wore a long black dress, which clung to her every curve. Not a spot of color about her attire, save a blood-red rose pinned on her left breast, above her heart.

 

[SimonDoom]

Or take @SimonDoom's sentence and intensify it by saying "I could see the jet black of her hair, her eyebrows, her eyeshadow, her shirt, her lipstick." Impressing that the speaker is intensely aware of every detail.

I like this too. Or you could dispense with all the "hers" and say "I could see the jet black of her hair, eyebrows, eyeshadow, shirt, and lipstick."

In both cases it's clear that the term jet black modifies all of the nouns. You don't need the extra "hers" to make this clear, but you might like it stylistically.

The key is the concept of parallelism in the construction of the sentence. When you write a sentence that contains a series of items, strive to make them parallel, meaning that each single item has the same basic form as every other.

The problem with the sentence in the OP's first post is that the series construction is unclear. It could be:

A) I could see her [jet-black hair] + [eyebrows] + [eyeshadow] + [shirt] + [lipstick], in which case only the hair is jet black, OR

B) I could see her [jet-black] + [[hair] + [eyebrows] + [eyeshadow] + [shirt] + [lipstick]], in which case all the items are jet black.

It's not clear.

So, construct the sentence so there's no other logical way it can be. WhiteTailDarkTip's version leaves no alternative, and neither does my modification of it. Try it:

I could see [the jet black of her hair] + [her eyebrows] + [her eyeshadow] + [her shirt] + [her lipstick]

This doesn't work. The first item is not parallel with the last four. In this construction I am looking at a color in the first item, and a thing in the last four. Also the word "her" is lacking in the first item. This is not parallel. It's unpleasing and unsatisfying. It doesn't make sense to understand the sentence this way.

But if you understand it this way:

I could see the [jet black of] + [[her hair] + [her eyebrows] + [her eyeshadow] + [her shirt] + [ her lipstick]]

Then everything is parallel and hunky dory. So this is the logical way to understand what is being written.

This may sound pedantic, but it's not. Sentence structure matters. It conveys meaning and clarity whether or not we consciously understand why. If you understand why you can analyze your sentence to fix the problems in it and construct a better one.

 

[Bray123]

She leaned in, staring me right in the face. I didn't look at her directly, but I could see her jet-black hair and eyebrows and eyeshadow and shirt and lipstick.

Jet-black is banal, hackneyed, clichéd.

She leaned in, eyes burning straight through me. I recoiled, but her goth-black tresses, mascara and clothing obscured all else.

 

[WhiteTailDarkTip]

Why stop there? Coal black, obsidian, starless and bible ... It's important to avoid cliché if you can but sometimes there's no getting around it
It's just like @SimonDoom says, you might like it stylistically. I'm quite partial to a bit of repetition to pile on the emphasis.

 

[WhiteTailDarkTip]

I love this forum. Twenty seven (now eight) replies to the simplest question possible.

Yep! Here to help

 

[Swm_looking4fun]

Can you tell from that sentence that the speaker means that she has black hair, black eyebrows, black eyeshadow, black shirt ... ?

-Annie

Only if she’s looking in a mirror…
She being stared at and is too timid to look back into her eyes.

 

[SimonDoom]

Why stop there? Coal black, obsidian, starless and bible ... It's important to avoid cliché if you can but sometimes there's no getting around it
It's just like @SimonDoom says, you might like it stylistically. I'm quite partial to a bit of repetition to pile on the emphasis.

It depends on the story, too. In this case the narrative is in first person, and I think one has a little more license to write the way a real person might actually think, and real people think and talk in terms of cliches, especially when it comes to erotica. I agree jet-black is a little cliched, but sometimes you have to be careful if in avoiding the cliche you choose something that sounds forced, which often is worse than sounding cliched.

It's a lot of judgment calls, matters of taste, not rules.

 

[SimonDoom]

Maybe Santa will bless me. I've been a very good girl after all.

I'll put in a good word to Santa if I see him. I hear he likes a sense of humor, and you've got that nailed down pretty well.

 

[SimonDoom]

Maybe Santa will bless me. I've been a very good girl after all.

Though, I must say, I'm not going to tell him about the baby lion GIF.

 

[onehitwanda]

Though, I must say, I'm not going to tell him about the baby lion GIF.

It's no worse than some of the things he has to deliver.

 

[Erozetta]

Ouch! It's a mouth watering image but honestly, how do people breathe in those things?

Easily.

 

[SimonDoom]

It's no worse than some of the things he has to deliver.

I suppose this is true.

 

[onehitwanda]

Easily.

 

[XerXesXu]

Only if she’s looking in a mirror…
She being stared at and is too timid to look back into her eyes.

If you guessed that she's a vampire, could she be seen in the mirror? Context probably reveals all.

 

[Britva415]

Can you tell from that sentence that the speaker means that she has black hair, black eyebrows, black eyeshadow, black shirt ... ?

-Annie

I understood it just as intended. And it's my favorite "try" at all the different ways of wording it.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Maybe Santa will bless me. I've been a very good girl after all.

There was a girl with a curl
In the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
And when she was bad,
She was amazing.

 

[onehitwanda]

There was a girl with a curl
In the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
And when she was bad,
She was amazing.

 

[StillStunned]

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls give us heaven on earth.

 

[onehitwanda]

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls give us heaven on earth.

very bad girls like black lace and blacker coffee and will love you despite yourself.

 

[StillStunned]

"Black Coffee, Black Lace, Black Heart" sounds like a good title for a story.

 

[onehitwanda]

"Black Coffee, Black Lace, Black Heart" sounds like a good title for a story.

"Espresso for the soul"