Kick me up the ass please, I'm a total pussy.

[swtrthnhoney]

"job application forms ask what my sexual orientation is "
Wow! It is against the law to ask that in USA. Major discrimination material.

"I'm trying to silence my inner judgemental critic but she knows her shit. She's also too good at what she does. In my emotional relationships there is always a lot of humiliation play and what many people would view as a certain degradation of spirit. I'm kind of hardwired to view myself this way now and I don't have a dominant partner to love me and counterbalance it. "
I don't entirely agree with that viewpoint. It is a stance that you place upon yourself due to a certain set of circumstances. Turn it on when you need it.
Get the bitch gear out and show her who's boss when you don't need to be submissive. Many people live this way - it is the ultimate alter-ego. Try it on for just a bit. You have permission - (forgive me - I don't mean this in poor taste) your dom is not available to put you back into your place.
If I am out of pace in this, please feel free to tell me so - however, if you do you just might exercise a dom part of you in the process.

 

[coastal-boy]

Oh muffin, if I had the money to, I would pay your way here and take care of you until you were better. In a second, I promise.

*grump*

I wish you lived closer to me, at least then we could hang out when we're feeling down.

I just did a quickie search and a one-way flight from London to St. Louis is only $310. I'd toss in half and you can make her all better

 

[satindesire]

I have been a fan of your posts since I joined here. I would absolutely love to meet you in real life. Even now I feel like casually asking you how your life and parenthood is going but you're still someone that I've never met. It's surreal.

Plus, veganism? Veganism is to food what consensual slavery is to mainstream romantic love. How do you adhere to a nutritional regimen like that? What happens when you leave the house and need to buy food in an omnivorous market?

Sorry, just curious. Do feel free to tell me where to get off.

Aw, you're such a doll! It's funny how we can feel "connected" to people we've never met before. I wear my heart on my sleeve and share a lot of myself in a very vulnerable way on the internet. That doesn't always make for the best times with trolls but I also notice that it helps to make a more intimate response in people. It can be surreal when someone you've never seen before actually elicits an emotional response but that's actually what I strive for. I am here to make friends first and foremost.

Also, on the Vegan note.

I am SO not a vegan. I like chicken, cheese and real sugar too much to be Vegan. It's just a little personal joke about how if a Vegan were to become a zombie, they'd say "Grains" instead of "Brains".

*facepalm*

It's so not funny when I explain it.

I just did a quickie search and a one-way flight from London to St. Louis is only $310. I'd toss in half and you can make her all better

Nice.

 

[statton]

I enjoy writing as well, therefore, I know well the odds of making a living with the pen. However, you have a story to tell...an interesting story. Write your story and then continue to do what you do. I'll buy your book - so you have a customer.

 

[NomadLady]

FM,
You've been through a lot here and I've read your posts on every topic imaginable since I've been here. We all go through tough times in life, I think and always will believe that the difference is how you pull yourself out of the dark times. There is no written rule that you much grieve for a year but if that is your choice, do it, then MOVE ON. See if there might be a way to have your criminal record "sealed" due to the fact that your weren't in the best "mental shape" of your life at the time and made some bad decisions. Considering you did seek psychiatric care for the problems, I can't imagine that would keep you out of nursing FOREVER???

Keep your chin up, and as they say where I live in the deep south....
"put on your big girl panties and deal with it" (said in a caring manner, please understand)

HUGS and Best Wishes in moving on with your life.

 

[Tmmldr]

Yeah, if nothing else I'm gaining interview experience and learning what not to say. I try not to do more than touch on G's death, because I don't want to be seen as trying to engender sympathy in a cynical way. Some job application forms ask what my sexual orientation is and I don't know whether it's better to tell them or abstain. If I abstain they'll know I'm not hetero for sure and they'll think I have hang-ups about it, which I don't. Well that's what I think anyway. Sometimes I think about ticking the hetero box, just to make it a non issue but then I'll be lying and given my lifestyle, (oh yeah, and my home address at the local gay bar) they'll find out soon enough.

I'm trying to silence my inner judgemental critic but she knows her shit. She's also too good at what she does. .....

Look, I would like to offer some commentes.

A job application is exactly that: IT'S ABOUT A JOB. Check the hetero box, if they ask later you can say you have gone through phases and tried some things. It's really none of their business and the goal is to get through the application and get to the interview.

Next, leave the personal shit out. Completely. It's about a job. Nobody wants a flaming gay in the workplace because it's distracting and annoying, and nobody cares if someone's gay if they do a great job.

Don't start a blog as a way to earn money. Most bloggers don't earn money.

Do look at drug rehab and counseling options, but keep the bar job. A lot of these jobs involve and use writing skills. Take examples of your writing with you to interviews, send them with emails as examples of what you like to do and are capable of.

If you can, or as soon as you can, move from the apt above the bar - that late night noise would make it hard to get up and do the 8-5 thing. You are focusing on a lot of personal issues and that's understandable. But just keep telling yourself IT'S ABOUt A JOB and don't mix these two things up.

Finally, remember when you are out looking for jobs you are after a higher paying job - you already have A JOB. Set this as the goal and allow no distractions.

And keep a secret life with the moniker FUCKMEAT. I like that.

 

[silverwhisper]

i've seen this thread since it went up but never had the time to read fully what was going on in the OP, never mind the incredible warmth & support i knew to expect in the follow-up responses.

fuckmeat, you've always impressed me, as berwyn noted, as a natural counselor. and i recognize exactly how difficult your prior professional experience made the situation in which you once found yourself to deal with.

i believe that you need to do a few things and it isn't clear to me whether you've done them or not:

1. forgive yourself for surviving your mistress's passing.
2. forgive yourself for your self-destructive spiral.

once you've done these things, you'll remember that you're a smart, insightful person who has a lot to offer. you truly are, because i've considered you one of how to's most helpful voices for some time now. most of us posting in this thread feel the same way, incidentally.

now, i'm pretty sure you've done #1. but i'm pretty sure you haven't done #2 yet and that's absolutely critical. you recognize as an intellectual matter that you've gotta find a new situation, you understand that in order to do so you have to get employment more in line with what you've had in the past.

but the real trick is that finding a job in a bad job market is hard, and employers hire people who are smart and confident, in addition to having the skills they want. and while i know you're smart, right now you're about a light year from confident. and you need that confidence.

you've been on how to long enough to know what the road to confidence looks like, but for you specifically, right now, i think that step 1 involves forgiving yourself and making peace with who you are--and who you aren't.

i think you're also volunteering a lot of information on applications you really shouldn't: how is it any of the employer's fucking business what your orientation is? what the fuck precisely is wrong with an honest, worthwhile employer that they would even ask that question? i'm serious: are they fucking deranged?

i've learned a great deal about the job search process and know fuckloads of people--even out your way--who might be helpful to you. if you're interested, let's discuss via PM.

i'm so sorry it's taken me so long to check in here fuckmeat: please forgive me for taking so damned long.

ed

 

[Tmmldr]

A couple more comments....these are really out in left field but I feel they have a place.

Don't NOT consider inverting the entire situation and using it for your benefit. And don't shun straight out independant small business in favor of "working for the man".

Here's what I'm talking about - just one example. Add placed in local community papers, websites.


RN, temporarily out of the profession and working in bar, seeks to walk dogs in free time. References provided, reliable, and loves animals. Available from 9-2 seven days a week.

 

[fuckmeat]

Look, I would like to offer some commentes.

A job application is exactly that: IT'S ABOUT A JOB. Check the hetero box, if they ask later you can say you have gone through phases and tried some things. It's really none of their business and the goal is to get through the application and get to the interview.

Next, leave the personal shit out. Completely. It's about a job. Nobody wants a flaming gay in the workplace because it's distracting and annoying, and nobody cares if someone's gay if they do a great job.

Don't start a blog as a way to earn money. Most bloggers don't earn money.

Do look at drug rehab and counseling options, but keep the bar job. A lot of these jobs involve and use writing skills. Take examples of your writing with you to interviews, send them with emails as examples of what you like to do and are capable of.

If you can, or as soon as you can, move from the apt above the bar - that late night noise would make it hard to get up and do the 8-5 thing. You are focusing on a lot of personal issues and that's understandable. But just keep telling yourself IT'S ABOUt A JOB and don't mix these two things up.

Finally, remember when you are out looking for jobs you are after a higher paying job - you already have A JOB. Set this as the goal and allow no distractions.

And keep a secret life with the moniker FUCKMEAT. I like that.

Thankyou, I needed to hear all this.

 

[fuckmeat]

i've seen this thread since it went up but never had the time to read fully what was going on in the OP, never mind the incredible warmth & support i knew to expect in the follow-up responses.

fuckmeat, you've always impressed me, as berwyn noted, as a natural counselor. and i recognize exactly how difficult your prior professional experience made the situation in which you once found yourself to deal with.

i believe that you need to do a few things and it isn't clear to me whether you've done them or not:

1. forgive yourself for surviving your mistress's passing.
2. forgive yourself for your self-destructive spiral.

once you've done these things, you'll remember that you're a smart, insightful person who has a lot to offer. you truly are, because i've considered you one of how to's most helpful voices for some time now. most of us posting in this thread feel the same way, incidentally.

now, i'm pretty sure you've done #1. but i'm pretty sure you haven't done #2 yet and that's absolutely critical. you recognize as an intellectual matter that you've gotta find a new situation, you understand that in order to do so you have to get employment more in line with what you've had in the past.

but the real trick is that finding a job in a bad job market is hard, and employers hire people who are smart and confident, in addition to having the skills they want. and while i know you're smart, right now you're about a light year from confident. and you need that confidence.

you've been on how to long enough to know what the road to confidence looks like, but for you specifically, right now, i think that step 1 involves forgiving yourself and making peace with who you are--and who you aren't.

i think you're also volunteering a lot of information on applications you really shouldn't: how is it any of the employer's fucking business what your orientation is? what the fuck precisely is wrong with an honest, worthwhile employer that they would even ask that question? i'm serious: are they fucking deranged?

i've learned a great deal about the job search process and know fuckloads of people--even out your way--who might be helpful to you. if you're interested, let's discuss via PM.

i'm so sorry it's taken me so long to check in here fuckmeat: please forgive me for taking so damned long.

ed

Of course you're forgiven.

The orientation question is usually in the equality and diversity section, as though telling a potential employer you're anything other than straight will see you perceived as anything other than a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. Second to the criminal record disclosure, it's possibly my biggest roadblock. It's a total pain in the ass. I send CVs (resumes) and almost always get an email asking me to fill out a form asking for all the same damn information, plus the stuff I'm skittish about disclosing before an interview.

A friend has offered to let me use her address for employment correspondence though, so I don't have to put the bar as my home address. I think this will make a big difference.

And as for you knowing fuckloads of people, well I'm really not too proud to drop you that PM. I've been really touched in general by the responses here.

Sigh.

I admit, I'm finding forgiving myself for something so superlatively stupid really difficult. I don't like knowing that I can dive of the deep end like that when shit gets rough. I also see it as failing G, because she handled every aspect of her illness with dignity but when she passed, I lost all mine. It's probably nuts to feel like she'd be disappointed in me but I do, very much. I don't feel like I've atoned enough yet. I don't even know how to. I'm welling up as I type this, it's a really big thing for me. On paper I can see the merit of forgiving myself but it just feels like an easy out. There are some things you just don't get a free pass for. Obviously having a record, a spell in psyche care and no career isn't exactly a free pass but they're still about the least I could have expected to get away with. I can't tell you what needs to happen before I feel able to let it go but... all I know it that today is not that day.

 

[fuckmeat]

A couple more comments....these are really out in left field but I feel they have a place.

Don't NOT consider inverting the entire situation and using it for your benefit. And don't shun straight out independant small business in favor of "working for the man".

Here's what I'm talking about - just one example. Add placed in local community papers, websites.


RN, temporarily out of the profession and working in bar, seeks to walk dogs in free time. References provided, reliable, and loves animals. Available from 9-2 seven days a week.

Dogs?

*sneeze*

No thanks. Spring is proving enough of an adversary.

I get what you're saying though.

I don't drive, so I have been on my bicycle to drop my CV into all the local businesses I can easily get to from my village. My medical condition means that I'll probably never drive, so that's not an aspiration for me. It's also a pain in the ass when it comes to job hunting because even for desk jobs I'll get asked if I have a full, clean licence. Employers are in a position to be as finicky as they damn well please right now. It's soul destroying how many people are chasing every post.

I've put cards up offering to care for adults or watch kids. Most people want a registered childminder though because the working family tax credits system in the UK will only subsidise childcare to registered minders. I quite obviously can't become one; firstly due to my record and secondly because I have nowhere to host children, I would have to care for them in their own home. And occasional evening babysitting gigs are really not going to get me anywhere.

So I am looking at options other than conventional jobsearching but I'm limited there as well.

 

[Ransack]

I thought I'd say a few words. First I don't really know you at all, I'm still new to lit and though I recognize your avatar and name there isn't anything I know about you outside this tread. That being said I wanted to tell you that I find this post to be somewhat inspiring. Though you are stuck right in the middle of a shitty situation you are at the point where you want to drop your hands from your face, slap your knees and stand up. The situation I am in right now has some parellels to yours and I am not as ready to be proactive as you. But I have an idea or two, silly though they may be that I'd like to share that might help you out. 1. Does this "equality and diversity" section of an application have to filled out honestly? I know, I know fuck the man right? You have nothing to be ashamed of and true enough, but it sounds like the section you're describing is little more than a poll or census type of question and not something you can get fired for for lying about. I mean really should a straight person lose there job after 5 years because they suddenly become attracted to their own sex? Another thing, and this is very presumptuous and bold of me to suggest but how about you maybe change your avatar here to something more, "cheery"? Like maybe a nice pick of your favorite part of your, or some other beautiful woman's body? Just some thoughts, keep your chin up playa )

 

[silverwhisper]

fuckmeat quoth:
i admit, i'm finding forgiving myself for something so superlatively stupid really difficult. i don't like knowing that i can dive of the deep end like that when shit gets rough. i also see it as failing g, because she handled every aspect of her illness with dignity but when she passed, i lost all mine. it's probably nuts to feel like she'd be disappointed in me but i do, very much.

you know something? i can't sit here and keep telling you, "fuckmeat, you need to forgive yourself". i mean, i suppose i could, but we both know that no matter how many times i may say it, that won't mean a damned thing until you choose to own it and work on it. so for what it's worth: yes, you did fuck up, in grand fashion. but it wasn't malicious and it didn't, AFAICT, harm anyone but you.

you have the power to forgive yourself--you know that--and at some point, you're going to realize that even though you feel undeserving, you'll have to start hating yourself less.

fuckmeat quoth:
i don't feel like i've atoned enough yet. i don't even know how to. i'm welling up as i type this, it's a really big thing for me. on paper i can see the merit of forgiving myself but it just feels like an easy out. there are some things you just don't get a free pass for. obviously having a record, a spell in psych care and no career isn't exactly a free pass but they're still about the least i could have expected to get away with. i can't tell you what needs to happen before i feel able to let it go but... all i know it that today is not that day.

so let me ask you this: when will it be enough? if you devoted the rest of your life from this moment forward to helping others and did nothing but that the rest of your days, would that be enough?

i think it's important that you are describing this as atonement. i'm not sure i agree that's the best word for it, because to be honest, if you don't know how to, i think it's just punishing yourself with no end in sight. there's a difference, fuckmeat. a big one. and i think you know that.

all i can tell you is that until you start to visualize a future for yourself in which you can finally permit yourself to be happy again and implement a plan on getting there, things are unlikely to change.

you created this thread, you shared a lot about what's happened. this is good. you know that the situation is untenable.

that's a good first step.

but it still needs to be followed by others.



ed

 

[fuckmeat]

you know something? i can't sit here and keep telling you, "fuckmeat, you need to forgive yourself". i mean, i suppose i could, but we both know that no matter how many times i may say it, that won't mean a damned thing until you choose to own it and work on it. so for what it's worth: yes, you did fuck up, in grand fashion. but it wasn't malicious and it didn't, AFAICT, harm anyone but you.

you have the power to forgive yourself--you know that--and at some point, you're going to realize that even though you feel undeserving, you'll have to start hating yourself less.



so let me ask you this: when will it be enough? if you devoted the rest of your life from this moment forward to helping others and did nothing but that the rest of your days, would that be enough?

i think it's important that you are describing this as atonement. i'm not sure i agree that's the best word for it, because to be honest, if you don't know how to, i think it's just punishing yourself with no end in sight. there's a difference, fuckmeat. a big one. and i think you know that.

all i can tell you is that until you start to visualize a future for yourself in which you can finally permit yourself to be happy again and implement a plan on getting there, things are unlikely to change.

you created this thread, you shared a lot about what's happened. this is good. you know that the situation is untenable.

that's a good first step.

but it still needs to be followed by others.



ed

I know.

Thanks.

 

[Cattypuss]

No advice really.

Just posting to say I feel for you, FM, and especially for the fact that you are scuppered on CRB checks due to something you did when you were out of your mind with distress and just trying to find a way to bear the pain. That really sucks.

I wish you the very best. You deserve it and if anyone has what it takes to get it, it's you - you have never ceased to amaze me, from the time you joined Lit, with your strength and... well, gumption.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

So I am looking at options other than conventional jobsearching but I'm limited there as well.

Have you tried cold canvassing and networking? There's jobs out there, they're just often not advertised, but instead filled by someone who knows someone's uncle's golf partner's daughter's housemate.

Utilise any contacts you have currently to keep an eye out for positions, or if they know anybody who might know someone looking to fill a job.

And resume drop with businesses you'd like to work for. Call ahead, find out the manager's name, when the best time to see them is. Even if they say no, take their card, call them back in a few weeks, remind them you're still looking, see if anything comes up.

You'll get a lot of no answers, and that can be shitty. But you only need one good yes.

 

[Frothydog]

You're still in your first year of grief. Don't expect too much of yourself. I infer that all of your self-destructive behavior is a direct result.

As far as prospective employers go, all you should need to say is something along the lines of "I lost someone I loved very much, and in my grief spiraled into some incredibly poor choices. I am better now, and have learned from my experiences. I am ready to move forward with my life."

I wish you the best. Believe me, it does get easier with time.

 

[Luna_Bella]

You were there when i needed a swift kick up the rear, so here is mine for you.

Like some have mentioned you have to forgive yourself, no wait I would even go have as far as to say you need to get over yourself, you have been treating yourself badly, you have let your grief walk all over you don't be a door mat, you deserve better than that, as many said you are an intelligent articulate girl don't let yourself down.

you are allowed to grieve the death of your mistress, however you cannot let it bring you down, be sad, cry, scream but then get on, I see that you are already planning on having a hard time in august, don't !!! have a small ceremony for example do something you enjoyed doing with your partner, it will make you sad but acknowledge it, really feel it, don't drown it with alcohol or any other substance. and then focus on yourself.

set small goals, you think it would be nice to meet Satin, then set a goal to save and go visit.

you want to stop working at the bar then don't aim high just aim at changing, take baby steps.

I lost my dad some years back (he was my best friend) I let myself down big time afterwards I quit school, spent a lot of my time in bars, had crappy little jobs that I would quit after 2 weeks because it was interfering with my bar hopping, then after sometime I realized I was getting nowhere and I deserved better than that. so even though I didn't really have the money I went back to school, I kept a job even if it wasn't great because at least it was paying for my school. I took baby steps.....

nothing is gonna change overnight, but you have to start somewhere. we can all give you advice or ideas but in the end you and only you can make the necessary changes.

I know it is easy to dream about being swept away and taken charge of, but why don't you try and be your own mistress for a while, give yourself the punishment you deserve : to try and be happy!

I feel for you, love you have no idea!

Hugs!

 

[bone251]

Well. I have been to Hell myself a few times. It is a lonely trip.
I posted on boards and so on.
Found a few things.
People really do care even if they cannot help.
A board like this has a lot of passion because sex would have been over by now. So you can understand there is a passionate amount of care.
I do find that a lot of view points may differ but it does not interfere with the caring.
My advice. Happiness is an attitude one learns to nurture. Start there. If you can get happy with what you have then you will discover what path you should go to grow your life and be happy.
I have found a path of faith, life, music work, charity and sex that I am happy with. It has some flaws, but I am liking it. There are things I want to and have been improving but I am happy when they don't improve. I have a few life and health issues that are large. But I can put them to the side when I stay happy.
I know this sounds like a simple idea. But it has given me a simple and good life. And when your not happy, blow off a little more steam. We care.

 

[fuckmeat]

Update

So I finally made the break and moved out of my boss's spare room. I am now the proud tenant of a two and a half room 'studio apartment' (read: rat trap). This isn't much of a step up in lifestyle for me but it will allow me to sleep properly (living over a bar isn't conducive to that) and apply for a decent job without citing the local gay pub as my home address.

My transition into my new hovel was of course supposed to be seamless. I had an appointment to have broadband etc connected 2 days after my move. Didn't happen. The stoopid people have been useless and evasive for over a week now. Using my boss S's computer and net connection is ok up to a point but I'd really rather he didn't stumble onto my lit profile.

So I'm going to be quiet for a little while longer.

I also have a couple of 50+hr weeks lined up at work so this week and next week are basically out for me. I won't be online and if/when I do get the chance to check in I'll be too tired/stressed to misbehave.

I won't blame anyone who's lost patience for ditching our threads. I know I've already been more unreliable than anyone should get away with being here. If anyone wants to recast me in anything then go right ahead.

For those sadists masochistic enough to wait until they can get their hands on me again, thankyou and I'll shout it from the rooftops when I'm back on form.

 

[satindesire]

*Snip*
For those sadists masochistic enough to wait until they can get their hands on me again, thankyou and I'll shout it from the rooftops when I'm back on form.

Good to see you making progress. I know what it's like to have IRL obligations interfere with RPing, but really, your life is so much more important than the stories you write with others on the interbone.

Everyone will understand it. All RPers have been through that at least once or twice in their lives.

 

[CurvAppeal]

I am so....so very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to you in almost every way except some.

I lost my sister one month ago, and it hurts beyond belief. When I work I can barely perform my tasks correctly because of how distraught and depressed I am. I work as a Certified Nursing Assistant and I deal with sick people all the time. My sister passed away for the same reason your Mistress did. Lost the battle of Leukemia. It will take me a long time before I feel human again, but times has to be allowed.

I only get paid 9.00 an hour, I work 8-16 hours a day lifting people by myself, dealing with being punched at, kicked at, spit at, urinated on etc etc... my self esteem is beyond low. I almost lost my job due to taking my anger out on my co-workers which I feel so regretful for. But I'm only human, we make mistakes, sometimes big ones that cost our job or almost, but with every mistake comes a new outlook and a new beginning. I have learned that in order to succeed you must accept failure because in order to make one step or two steps, maybe even 10 steps ahead somewhere along the lines you will fail. Reality is harsh but it makes sense.

We all start from the bottom and work our way up in everything we do. In school we start from the bottom up, in work we start out that way, even with relationships and friends. These times that you are dealing with is one of them, it hurts in the meantime but it'll make you stronger. Life is about taking risks, you never know what the next risk will take you to. Try it, you may be surprised.

Please keep your head above the clouds, for I am sure you will find happiness.

 

[Nyiatha]

I like your writing. It is intriguing so keep it up.

 

[hiddenhere]

FM, I have The hots for you.
Keep your chin up. You will find your way out... hopefuly into my arms.

 

[satindesire]

FM, I have The hots for you.
Keep your chin up. You will find your way out... hopefuly into my arms.

I hate to break it to you but this is really, insanely creepy. Not the time and place to be predatory, love.