Learning how to finish all over again

[bluesmoke]

Ok some background first: When I was in high school and college I had a steady boyfriend for 5 years...great amazing blow your mind sex! He could get me off pretty much however he wanted and I didn't have to try hard to get off (seriously I think his penis was perfect).
Then a few years later I got married to a different guy and the sex was ok. I was getting off pretty regularly..but it was eh. We didn't have a good relationship and I started not finding him attractive.
We got divorced and now I'm remarried. But the sex is blah...I can't get off! I've finished I think 3 times (aside from masturbating) during our entire relationship of almost 3 years!!!

So that's the problem...I can't finish with my husband. I find him attractive and very sexy, but I just can't do it. Part of me thinks it's his technique and part of me thinks its that I don't feel like he pays enough attention to me or is affectionate. He also won't help me finish after sex (or any other time) and there's no mutual masturbation it's all me jerking him off which gets me all hot and bothered and then he roles over and goes to sleep!!

The worst part: I resorted to faking it early on because sometimes he wouldn't stop pounding away until I "finished" or he'd pout and feel bad because he was a bad lover...and now I'm trapped in this vicious cycle. I really want to have great sex again...I'll even settle for satisfying. I love my husband (even though sometimes he's a bit inattentive) but I just don't know how to get him to work with me in the bedroom.

So here's my solution: right now I'm pregnant (great for the sex life I know) and I'm thinking that once I have the baby (early May) and get the green light for sex again..I can tell him that I'm not finishing because my body's changed so we need to work on a new way to get me off. That way he never knows I was faking it (crushing ego blow) and I might actually get to cum during sex which would be awesome! (and maybe we could work on his oral and manual abilities too )

I'm also thinking about stopping masturbating with anything other than my hands...I'm afraid I've been relying on vibs and dildos so long that I've become desensitized.

Any thoughts are much appreciated! Thanks

PS Could it be that I'm now so hung up on being unable to cum that I'm psyching myself out?

 

[SweetErika]

So that's the problem...I can't finish with my husband. I find him attractive and very sexy, but I just can't do it. Part of me thinks it's his technique and part of me thinks its that I don't feel like he pays enough attention to me or is affectionate. He also won't help me finish after sex (or any other time) and there's no mutual masturbation it's all me jerking him off which gets me all hot and bothered and then he roles over and goes to sleep!!

Have you talked to him about needing more stimulation, attention, affection, mutual masturbation and him not to just roll over after he gets off?

If so, what has he said and done? Has he made an effort to fulfill your needs?

So here's my solution: right now I'm pregnant (great for the sex life I know) and I'm thinking that once I have the baby (early May) and get the green light for sex again..I can tell him that I'm not finishing because my body's changed so we need to work on a new way to get me off. That way he never knows I was faking it (crushing ego blow) and I might actually get to cum during sex which would be awesome! (and maybe we could work on his oral and manual abilities too )

Are you intimate now? If so (and your doc has given you the go ahead to continue having sex and orgasms), maybe you shouldn't wait to start communicating and teaching him how to please you. It's not unheard of for women to change in the last trimester; perhaps with the changes to your body, self-image and hormone levels, you're having more difficulty orgasming?

Could you start giving him direction on what you want to do and plenty of positive feedback? How about coming up with a couple of fun/lighthearted "games," like asking him to trace the alphabet and numbers on your vulva and clit, with you telling him which motions feel fantastic, he should try again, etc., or suggesting you each take an hour or night to give direction/be in charge and find each other's hot spots, rediscover what really gets you going, etc.?

When my guy was pretty clueless, I learned it was my responsibility to initiate the type of experimentation I desired, tell him exactly what I wanted to try and give him tons of clear feedback on what he was doing. I kept it all positive; it wasn't that I didn't like what he had been doing, it was that I thought it'd be really fun to try X, and I bet I'd get a ton of pleasure out of Y and Z. It took some trial and error and time, but eventually he started listening to the feedback and figuring out how to expand on the basics in a way I liked with less specific instruction.

During this time, I also had a genuine interest in getting more feedback from him, so I asked him lots of questions about what he enjoyed, to be more vocal when I was doing something he did or didn't like, how things felt, etc. I think that added a little padding to the situation and made it more of a joint effort to better our sex life on the whole, rather than just make him a better lover.

I'm also thinking about stopping masturbating with anything other than my hands...I'm afraid I've been relying on vibs and dildos so long that I've become desensitized.

If you think it could be a problem for you, it may very well be one. At any rate, it's worth some experimentation.

Have you introduced the toys into sex with your husband? If not, why, and is that something you'd consider doing, at least for a while?

PS Could it be that I'm now so hung up on being unable to cum that I'm psyching myself out?

Absolutely! Just like our brains are our biggest sex organ, they can be the main inhibitor to pleasure and orgasm.

I've always struggled with thoughts getting in the way when I'm with a partner. The more worry, pressure and distraction, the more my pleasure and orgasms slip away. What's worked best for me is creating an environment with as little pressure and distraction as possible, focusing on my best fantasies and taking short breaks when I get distracted, worried or just feel my body plateauing. It's also helped to be honest with my husband when I'm having trouble - sometimes a little reassurance from him that there's no pressure or he's not getting tired is all I need to relax.

 

[shiny5437]

And don't forget that there's always professional help like a relationship counsellor / sex therapist

 

[bluesmoke]

Thanks for the advice erika. I bought a game, but so far he hasn't seemed to interested in playing it. It's a deck of cards with a bunch of minigames in it...some of them look really fun. Maybe I'll see if he wants to do one of them some time this week.

I've tried talking to him about it in the past, but he got offended and didn't seem to want to talk about it...but you're right I need to keep trying. Maybe different tactics will work.

I wish his xbox would break...then maybe he'd be bored enough to pay attention to me .... can I sue microsoft for relationship sabotoge? lol

 

[FriendlyDude]

Talking to him is the key.

Be open about your issues and honest with him about what you want. And since us men tend to tie sexual performance to our egos, it's probably a good idea to let him know REPEATEDLY that you don't have a problem with HIM.

So talk to him. Tell him the issues. Tell him what you enjoy sexually and ask him what he enjoys. Make sure you're both on the sage page sexually and that you understand each other.

And instead of trying to figure out what will do the trick for you on your own...make it a joint effort. Just get naked and silly and start trying stuff. Laugh about it.

I've found in relationships that problems like this CAN occur because two people try to make each time perfect. Sex doesn't have to be perfect. Yes we all love hat mind blowing intense orgasm filled totally romantic and loving sex.

But that's the REALLY good sex. Sometimes you have to work up to that by figuring out how to get there. That involves experimentation and communication.

 

[infinity706]

Well, if he's anything like me, you could push him up against a wall and tell him he's going to be fucking you now.

Also, for one thing, most women don't get off from penetration, so it's not really a surprise at all. Maybe showing him what does get you off would really help, though. A lot of guys really love watching a woman touch herself. Like has been mentioned before as well, positive reinforcement could certainly help. When he goes down on you and he does something that feels great, make sure he knows it. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could even try the head games thing. Get him to let you hold onto his head and move it wherever it is that you want it. Of course, you can't really control his tongue, so you'll have to tell him what to do with it. That's the quickest fix if he's comfortable enough with the idea.

 

[WistfulWanderer]

Long post, but it's a good one!

Thanks for the advice erika. I bought a game, but so far he hasn't seemed to interested in playing it. It's a deck of cards with a bunch of minigames in it...some of them look really fun. Maybe I'll see if he wants to do one of them some time this week.

I've tried talking to him about it in the past, but he got offended and didn't seem to want to talk about it...but you're right I need to keep trying. Maybe different tactics will work.

I wish his xbox would break...then maybe he'd be bored enough to pay attention to me .... can I sue microsoft for relationship sabotoge? lol

A few thoughts that jumped out at me, reading this thread:

Firstly, have you tried masturbating before sex, and denying yourself an orgasm? If you have a good ten/twenty/thirty minutes (however long you need) of fantasy and physical stimulation, you may find yourself more 'revved up' to begin with, and find the sex itself more enjoyable. Perhaps you could try touching yourself and then approaching him when you are aroused (and when both have time!), and then whisper in his ear that you are wet for him and want him, or something along these lines.

Secondly, the X-box is NOT the problem: it is a catalyst. It sounds like there is not a whole lot of open communication between you and your husband, and that can be as difficult to begin as it is rewarding to have. The best way to show him how to be attentive may be to demonstrate to him what you would like, without telling him that is what you are doing.

Ask him about his day, follow up with something he said about a project or upcoming conference, and ask how it went or if he is ready for it. Opening the channel of communication in this way can simultaneously make him feel loved and more comfortable talking to you, and also raise the level of trust and openness between the two of you.

Be receptive to his feelings even when he cannot or will not explain them, and do not expect your new attentiveness to wear off on him right away. I do not mean that you should become subservient or always put his needs first: but it may take him a while to become used to the idea of confiding in you as a friend, and patience without martyrdom is key. Once you have reached this level of confidence, you will be better able to communicate with him on other topics as well, not just this one that you worry over right now.

Thirdly, make it fun. When you present the game, show him your excitement about how hot it will be, how much fun you will have. Keep things lighthearted and keep the focus on the positive. For instance, instead of telling him you wish he would stimulate your clit more, you might say, 'I love when you rub me like that, it feels so good! More, more!' Or something like that.

Point out specific ways that he is a great lover, and whenever he does something that drives you wild, tell him so and tell him you wish you could feel it always. When you are urging him to do something else, indicate first that it is because you are so pleased with what he is doing that you want more. For instance, if he nibbles your neck but you want him to play with your breasts, tell him that it feels so good, and you wish he would suck your nipples that way.

Being vocal in this way can improve your sex a lot-- many men love to hear that they are pleasing their women, and urging him to do something in a throaty voice in the heat of the moment can work a lot better than a nervous discussion with both of you clothed on the sofa. Depending on your relationship dynamic, you might even try begging or ordering him while you two are doing it.

And last, you sound like you have already given this a lot of thought and come up with some great ideas. It might indeed be wise to curtail your vibrator use for a while: even if it has not technically 'desensitised' you, most people find that a period of little or no stimulation--even a week-end or a week--makes their end that much better when they are stimulated again.

You sound like you are being sensitive to your husband's needs and feelings, and that is a terrific start. I have been lurking on these boards for a year or more, and far too many people in your situation think only of themselves, convincing themselves that their sex life is their partners' responsibility and that they are justified to even go so far as to seek an affair. It is good to see someone willing to take equal responsibility for making her relationship/sex life better.

Good luck!