Looking People in the Eyes?

[crazyboy2006]

I have a hard time looking people in the eyes. It's not that I'm shy... well, that's part of it, but the real problem is...

I can't figure out where to look. I try to look at both eyes at once, but I get headaches trying. It's as if my brain can't focus on two eyes at once. If I'm far away from the person, it's not so bad, but when I'm close to them, my eyes fight to look at the person.

Oftentimes, this leaves me to looking away alot... I notice when I'm the one who's talking, I don't look at the person at all. I don't even try. I'll look off into the distance or at something close. And when I'm done talking, I'll look back at their face....

AND... AND... AND!!! ...speaking of talking face-to-face.

I haaaaaaaaaate it when people like to stand really close to me and talk. There was a woman who would talk to me face-to-face and I would take a step back for some breathing room... and she would take a step forward... grr.... irritating.

 

[satindesire]

I have a hard time looking people in the eyes. It's not that I'm shy... well, that's part of it, but the real problem is...

I can't figure out where to look. I try to look at both eyes at once, but I get headaches trying. It's as if my brain can't focus on two eyes at once. If I'm far away from the person, it's not so bad, but when I'm close to them, my eyes fight to look at the person.

Oftentimes, this leaves me to looking away alot... I notice when I'm the one who's talking, I don't look at the person at all. I don't even try. I'll look off into the distance or at something close. And when I'm done talking, I'll look back at their face....

AND... AND... AND!!! ...speaking of talking face-to-face.

I haaaaaaaaaate it when people like to stand really close to me and talk. There was a woman who would talk to me face-to-face and I would take a step back for some breathing room... and she would take a step forward... grr.... irritating.

The term "looking someone in the eyes" is a misnomer. You can't look in two places at once unless you've got eyestalks like some kind of freaky lizard thing.

Pick an eye. Switch every few seconds, as what's comfortable. Occasionally look down at their mouth when they're speaking to show you're concentrating on what they're saying.

 

[crazyboy2006]

Honestly, I try to do that but I keep feeling like they know I'm picking an eye... haha

But I'll do that from now on. Thanks for the advice.

 

[mntcmn]

kinda doubt

Will you accept a stab in the dark? From the second part of your post, it would be my guess that there are things in your background that make intimacy or closeness difficult. My further guess would be that you were not taught to think of yourself as worthwhile, valuable, lovable, smart, and so on. Was it not safer to "hide" some or a lot of yourself?
D

 

[Kikori]

Look between their eyes and use peripheral vision to see both.

If you want to just have the appearance of seeing their eyes at the same time, look past them (or, more accurately, through them). Same concept as a magic eye. You'll still see them, just kinda doubled, and they'll see your eyes lining with theirs.

Otherwise, just look wherever on the face. You can't force your eyes to separate whatever point they're targeting without a hell of a lot of work, or a mutation.

 

[crazyboy2006]

Will you accept a stab in the dark? From the second part of your post, it would be my guess that there are things in your background that make intimacy or closeness difficult. My further guess would be that you were not taught to think of yourself as worthwhile, valuable, lovable, smart, and so on. Was it not safer to "hide" some or a lot of yourself?
D

Well, if you're implying that my parents are the cause, that's not true. My parents raised me the very best they could, and they loved me - still do.

But you're right, though. I've always been a social zero... High school and church growing up was rough, and I spent alot of time alone, but I'm used to it now. I don't like actually being around people that much. Usually I spend my time alone doing whatever. My thoughts are usually geared towards school and work, trying to be as successful as possible.

So yeah, good call. But it's not my parents' fault.

 

[satindesire]

Honestly, I try to do that but I keep feeling like they know I'm picking an eye... haha

But I'll do that from now on. Thanks for the advice.

Let me tell you a secret from an ex-shy person.

Shyness is mostly narcissism. You are simply not really as important as you think you are, sweetie, NO ONE thinks about you and picks you apart as much as you think they do. Shy people think "everyone will be looking at me" or "someone will notice ABC" but I can tell you from experience learning how to NOT be shy, that isn't realistic.

Trust me, you're just another fish in a bowl like everyone else. No one Notices or Thinks About which eye you're looking at when they're talking to you, they're just thinking of talking to you.

I PROMISE.

 

[Velia]

Well, if you're implying that my parents are the cause, that's not true. My parents raised me the very best they could, and they loved me - still do.

But you're right, though. I've always been a social zero... High school and church growing up was rough, and I spent alot of time alone, but I'm used to it now. I don't like actually being around people that much. Usually I spend my time alone doing whatever. My thoughts are usually geared towards school and work, trying to be as successful as possible.

So yeah, good call. But it's not my parents' fault.

May I ask:

Do you have any particular fears? Spiders? Germs? Things changing?

Do you hate loud noises or particular textures or colors or temperatures?

Is there one specific interest (maybe two) that you have above anything else?

 

[crazyboy2006]

May I ask:

Do you have any particular fears? Spiders? Germs? Things changing?

Do you hate loud noises or particular textures or colors or temperatures?

Is there one specific interest (maybe two) that you have above anything else?

Yes....

Actually... I'm incredibly fearful of loud noises. I spent a shitload of money on tests and doctor visits to see why everything is louder to me than it is to everybody else... I can't go to concerts, wedding receptions, bars, clubs, or anything like that because it's as if the noise is amplified x100 for me while everybody else has a good time. It hurts my ears... It's not just a fear.

But the specialists say nothing is wrong with my ears. They say it's all behavioral. I disagree... And I have tinnitus, too... I used to think about death because it would free me of the ringing... but I'm used to it now and it doesn't bother me.

I also have BPH-type symptoms. I thought it might have been a stricture or something. Had it since I was 16. Again, docs did tests and even a cystoscope... everything is perfect. Nothing wrong with me. A script for Xanax is my therapy and all I use it for is to help me sleep at night because all it does is make me calm down and get sleepy.

Tried Zoloft and amitriptyline but neither did anything except give me side effects that suck worse than my anxiety problems.

Actually, this is where school comes into play. Being in school helps take my mind off the pointless worries that I have. I'm so focused that I don't really think about my hearing problems, my urinary problems, or my social problems. It's my therapy, and the best one at that. It could be worse...

 

[Velia]

Yes....

Actually... I'm incredibly fearful of loud noises. I spent a shitload of money on tests and doctor visits to see why everything is louder to me than it is to everybody else... I can't go to concerts, wedding receptions, bars, clubs, or anything like that because it's as if the noise is amplified x100 for me while everybody else has a good time. It hurts my ears... It's not just a fear.

But the specialists say nothing is wrong with my ears. They say it's all behavioral. I disagree... And I have tinnitus, too... I used to think about death because it would free me of the ringing... but I'm used to it now and it doesn't bother me.

I also have BPH-type symptoms. I thought it might have been a stricture or something. Had it since I was 16. Again, docs did tests and even a cystoscope... everything is perfect. Nothing wrong with me. A script for Xanax is my therapy and all I use it for is to help me sleep at night because all it does is make me calm down and get sleepy.

Tried Zoloft and amitriptyline but neither did anything except give me side effects that suck worse than my anxiety problems.

Actually, this is where school comes into play. Being in school helps take my mind off the pointless worries that I have. I'm so focused that I don't really think about my hearing problems, my urinary problems, or my social problems. It's my therapy, and the best one at that. It could be worse...

I sent you a PM.

Please contact me if you need more information.

~Velia~

 

[satindesire]

Yes....

Actually... I'm incredibly fearful of loud noises. I spent a shitload of money on tests and doctor visits to see why everything is louder to me than it is to everybody else... I can't go to concerts, wedding receptions, bars, clubs, or anything like that because it's as if the noise is amplified x100 for me while everybody else has a good time. It hurts my ears... It's not just a fear.

But the specialists say nothing is wrong with my ears. They say it's all behavioral. I disagree... And I have tinnitus, too... I used to think about death because it would free me of the ringing... but I'm used to it now and it doesn't bother me.

I also have BPH-type symptoms. I thought it might have been a stricture or something. Had it since I was 16. Again, docs did tests and even a cystoscope... everything is perfect. Nothing wrong with me. A script for Xanax is my therapy and all I use it for is to help me sleep at night because all it does is make me calm down and get sleepy.

Tried Zoloft and amitriptyline but neither did anything except give me side effects that suck worse than my anxiety problems.

Actually, this is where school comes into play. Being in school helps take my mind off the pointless worries that I have. I'm so focused that I don't really think about my hearing problems, my urinary problems, or my social problems. It's my therapy, and the best one at that. It could be worse...

Huh. Sounds like you might have a little Aspberger's sweetie. Have you ever been tested for that?

 

[crazyboy2006]

That's what Velia said, but I'm not going to worry about it. I don't really want to spend the money, and even if I do have it, there's nothing really to do about it except get over it.

I'll just try the "one-eye" thing and see if it helps.

 

[hidden_shadow]

Huh. Sounds like you might have a little Aspberger's sweetie. Have you ever been tested for that?

I would have to agree. Noise sensitivity is a classic symptom of an autistic spectrum disorder, and so are the eye contact and personal space issues.

I don't know that getting tested would help, though. Even with a diagnosis, there's not a whole lot anyone can do. Let's just say that all my doctors have been fuckin' useless.

 

[crazyboy2006]

When I'm around people in class, I'm fine. At work, it's all good. Patients needing counseling at the pharmacy pick-up, great. I have no problems interacting with people.

I am a bit clumsy socially, especially when I get around people who are highly confident. I tend to make more mistakes when I'm working with an ego-case. I'm much better when working with people who are at and below my level.

I do also have the problem with empathy. I don't have a deep attachment to any one person, even family members. I don't know why, I just don't.

I like being alone. Even when I'm with my best friend for a while, I tend to want to escape and be alone for a few days.

I don't like road trips, scheduling activity dates, or social events in general. It's just not really my thing... If I want to do something with somebody, I want to do it on the spot and not this weekend when I might feel like playing Final Fantasy.

And I do have the sensitivity issues. Noise bothers me, and I oftentimes daydream about being in situations where I'm trapped hearing incredibly loud noise without being able to escape.

But I don't have a unique, weird interest. And I don't talk about myself when I'm conversing. I usually just let the other person talk because I usually don't know what to say at all. Though I must admit, I rarely care about what the other person is talking about... which is bad.

So, perhaps I do have it to an extent... but what can I do? All there is to do is just try to talk to people more and hopefully things will just work out. I don't think I'm weird. I'm normal, my speech is normal, I'm intelligent, and I just have social issues which is nothing new...

 

[Kojote]

I have a hard time looking people in the eyes. It's not that I'm shy... well, that's part of it, but the real problem is...

I can't figure out where to look. I try to look at both eyes at once, but I get headaches trying. It's as if my brain can't focus on two eyes at once. If I'm far away from the person, it's not so bad, but when I'm close to them, my eyes fight to look at the person.

Oftentimes, this leaves me to looking away alot... I notice when I'm the one who's talking, I don't look at the person at all. I don't even try. I'll look off into the distance or at something close. And when I'm done talking, I'll look back at their face....

AND... AND... AND!!! ...speaking of talking face-to-face.

I haaaaaaaaaate it when people like to stand really close to me and talk. There was a woman who would talk to me face-to-face and I would take a step back for some breathing room... and she would take a step forward... grr.... irritating.

Pick the eye you feel the first impulse to look into and stick iwth it.
But don't try to look onto the eye. Take a look into it.
You will have the face in your peripheral vision and you will find ut, that you can just perfectly learn everything about a person through looking into an eye and concentrating on what is happening in there.

That's nothing biological. It's something social and of course people will feel strange being looked upon this way.
Once you get used to it and learn to associate the eye movements and facial impressions with certain attitudes you will find out, that it is possible to ignore the mask everybody presents to the public and see the next layer of personality.

You wont need to stare anymore once you learned to interpret the visual input.

And if somebody enters your personal comfort zone: Step back and tell the person not to follow. Feel free to do that politely, because it's your right to define a personal zone as long as it isn't a mile across.

You may or may not have any syndrom or something. But that doesn't mean you need any treatment. It just means you need to take a different approach onto 'social behavior'.

Feel free to gain confidence out of your differentness.

 

[cromsgirl]

Gamer?

You mentioned Final Fantasy, do you play other games, like table top role playing games? I read a very interesting article about how gamers interact almost opposite from normal people: they tend not to look at the people they are talking to, they look down; they don't fill up conversational lapses, they wait for their thoughts to catch up in silence; there were several other things as well, ALL of which me and my friends do. It really made me think "Wow, no wonder I feel like a social outcast, I use a different language". I am better about interacting with "normals" now, but I still act that way around my friends.

On a side note, I am also very sensitive to noise. Loud = pain for me. I never had it tested, I just figured it was a personal quirk. I do not have Asperger's or any other diagnosis.

 

[hidden_shadow]

You mentioned Final Fantasy, do you play other games, like table top role playing games? I read a very interesting article about how gamers interact almost opposite from normal people: they tend not to look at the people they are talking to, they look down; they don't fill up conversational lapses, they wait for their thoughts to catch up in silence;

That silence thing is a good one. I can't understand what most people think is so awkward about silence, that they feel the need to talk about anything they can think of to break it. And eye contact really is something that's difficult for people with Asperger's because it has to be balanced. Of course you end up seeming awkward if you don't look at the person enough, but if you stare too much you become creepy or threatening. Damn this complex social language that normal people treat as second nature!

As was mentioned, it is possible to stare someone in both eyes if you practice. The whole Magic Eye thing hinges on making your eyes focus in parallel instead of at a specific point, and some people can get real good at that. Then again, you'd probably end up looking even stranger than before doing that since it's not something ordinary people do.

 

[crazyboy2006]

You mentioned Final Fantasy, do you play other games, like table top role playing games? I read a very interesting article about how gamers interact almost opposite from normal people: they tend not to look at the people they are talking to, they look down; they don't fill up conversational lapses, they wait for their thoughts to catch up in silence; there were several other things as well, ALL of which me and my friends do. It really made me think "Wow, no wonder I feel like a social outcast, I use a different language". I am better about interacting with "normals" now, but I still act that way around my friends.

On a side note, I am also very sensitive to noise. Loud = pain for me. I never had it tested, I just figured it was a personal quirk. I do not have Asperger's or any other diagnosis.

I do not play tablet top RPGs. I have been a videogamer all my life, though. For about 1 1/2 years, I played Call of Duty 4 as if it was a full-time job, but now I mostly just play single player games to try to relax. They just released FFIX on the PSN and that was the first FF I ever played and the best imo.

And yes, I look down when I'm walking. That's just normal. And like I said, I look everywhere except people's face when I'm talking.

I'm not so sure about the conversation lapses thing... I don't think I do that, but I'm not sure.... I usually just put filler in a conversation if I don't know what to say....

And I'm damn glad to know I'm not the only person who has a problem with noise sensitivity. After seeing everybody's pictures from banquets, clubs, etc., I feel like I have no life whatsoever. I couldn't even stand at the doorway of my family-friend's reception one night. It was SO loud.

Does anybody know if the noise sensitivity gets better over time? Or no?

 

[littlebabyclit]

This is a fascinating thread. I don't have much impact in my life from social issues but I have had the eye contact problem sporadically...never even thought others would have such a problem ! Assumed it was just my own little quirk. I find the problem only kicks in when I'm conversing with someone I really want to impress (nervousness based then, I guess) or if I happen to THINK about eye contact and worrying if am I coming across as "normal." If I don't think about eye contact, then I don't have any problems making eye contact. This is 98% of the time.

As for being alone, that's not a social problem if you like it or prefer it. If you can be comfortable without others being around, that should be praised as a skill because many lack that ability. The opposite end of the spectrum are people/ attention junkies and they annoy me. People who can be alone comfortably are self-entertaining and that's a good thing since others aren't always into what you are nor are they always available. Crazyboy2006, you're most likely to never wind up being co-dependent, LOL. And personally, IMO togetherness is sometimes a pain and overrated, LOL. People can be fun but they're also often a lot of WORK.

 

[cromsgirl]

My noise sensitivity hasn't gotten any better and I'm 35. And silly as it may seem, I also have a hearing loss in one band and that hasn't helped either.

 

[WaitWhatt]

I can't do this either. I fail at it. I find myself blocking out what they're saying and concentrating on their eyes just hoping they'll SHUT UP so I can look somewhere else.

I wouldn't say it's a lack of confidence. It just feels like I am being sucked into a black hole or something.

 

[specter170]

The best defense against a person the moves into your space is not to step back and tell them your uncomfortable, the best thing to do is step towards them. They move towards you, u do the same. It will immediately catch them off guard and they will retreat. Male or female, works every time.

The eye to eye stuff takes time and confidence.

 

[WaitWhatt]

My noise sensitivity hasn't gotten any better and I'm 35. And silly as it may seem, I also have a hearing loss in one band and that hasn't helped either.

I have some issues with this. I had this when I was a kid:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/ears/central_auditory.html

I became a "behaviour problem" because the noise drove me nuts so I would act out in other ways. LOL. When it was finally dealt with and diagnosed.. the teachers sent me to the library to work where it was quiet.

I'm older now and it's still an issue. My worst job was when I had to work in a busy office with cubicles so you hear everyone else's noise and the sounds just bounce off eachother. It's crazy.

 

[crazyboy2006]

I have some issues with this. I had this when I was a kid:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/ears/central_auditory.html

I became a "behaviour problem" because the noise drove me nuts so I would act out in other ways. LOL. When it was finally dealt with and diagnosed.. the teachers sent me to the library to work where it was quiet.

I'm older now and it's still an issue. My worst job was when I had to work in a busy office with cubicles so you hear everyone else's noise and the sounds just bounce off eachother. It's crazy.

No, I think you're misunderstanding. Normal, room-level noises aren't a problem. It's things like concerts, trains, planes, etc. that are too loud for my ears.

Your problem seems different... as if the low constant noise is annoying.

 

[WaitWhatt]

No, I think you're misunderstanding. Normal, room-level noises aren't a problem. It's things like concerts, trains, planes, etc. that are too loud for my ears.

Your problem seems different... as if the low constant noise is annoying.

Ah ok. Sorry about that. I understand what you mean now.