Marriage for the sake of kids

[KimGordon67]

I think that this is an amazing statement! The end comes down to everyone doing what they feel is right for them and their children. I don’t judge anyone for the decisions that they make to stay or go (my parents were divorced and for the most part I turned out pretty good - okay no comments on that statement from any of you ). The problem I see with this discussion is people often offhandedly judge ME for staying in a marriage that I’m not super happy in (or that is even really a marriage at all these days but more of a coparenting roommate situation). The remark “you deserve to be happy too” is one I’ve heard sooo many times. And it’s not that I think myself a martyr...I’m just not unhappy enough to change things so drastically in my kids lives. Is it the right decision? Who knows? Will my kids one day blame my staying in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling on some failing of their own? Probably. But they’d blame me divorcing on it too...

My point is, judging people for the decisions they make with all of the knowledge they have is never okay. We each need to do what we can to survive and hope that in the end we send smart and semi well adjusted kids out into the world to make their own mistakes and learn from them.



Pretty much this is my whole thought process as well...and until something changes? I always have my little naughty corner of the Internet here at LIT

I think part of the problem is that we end to assess the situations of others through our own 'lens' (for want of a better word), and based on our own experiences, and often on our own moral parameters. For me, getting married was never likely to be a 'forever' thing, and we were aware of that going in - nothing we said to each other when we got married implied 'forever'. Some people might say that suggested a lack of commitment ... but by the time we got married, we'd already had a kid and bought a house together, which for me were much larger indicators of committing to something. And I can quite categorically say I'll love my (now ex) husband 'for ever' ... but the 'type' of love has changed.

Also, I guess when we decided we didn't want to be together any more, we were, and still are, very committed to continuing to be a family. We still spend birthdays and Christmas together, and we all spend time together at other points as well - I stayed at my ex's house for a couple of nights just the other week because we were going to see a band together. When my ex is having arguments with our kid, he'll often call me and put me on speaker phone so I can contribute to whatever argument they're having.

We never really thought about the fact that we were distinguishing between us as a couple - which finished - and all of us a family - which is still very strong. But maybe if people were able to do that a bit more, it would be easier for some people? Possibly it's helped here by the legal situation - when couples separate here, the only ongoing financial responsibility is for the child. We don't have alimony. And, as I discovered (sort of to my surprise), you can do everything without getting lawyers involved. We just divided up the money and the stuff, we considered the wellbeing of each other as well as ourselves, I pay an amount of child support that we both agreed was reasonable, and we revisit the financial situation ever now and then to make sure it's still equitable.

So I don't think us breaking up suggested a 'lack of commitment' either - it was a full year between making the decision and the final act of selling the house, and that length of time was mostly about making sure we started our separate households the best we could. There was actually a huge level of commitment to making sure each of us was OK (financially and otherwise) and that we were setting up a post-separation situation that would work well for our child - basically, we just put his happiness and wellbeing at the centre of everything, and all the decisions we made flowed from that.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Well, I packed up my then 6 and 10 year old boys and moved from my beloved NC to Texas....

If that gives y'all any indication of my take on it...


But, that said, we needed to leave. The alternative could have easily ended in my kids fatherless and me rocking an orange outfit.


Whatever one decides to do when stuck in a "bad marriage", as long as they own it, it's nobody's business but their's and their spouses..

I can see how a father would be hesitant to leave because of his children, because, unless the mother is strung out or crazy, she still has a better chance of getting custody.
(Just FACTS). If fighting over who gets the kids is part of your divorce, you probably ought not split up.

If you're openly fighting or your kids are picking up that you're unhappy, you're teaching them that it's acceptable behavior. Divorce would probably be your best bet.


I don't know, it's all rather subjective and almost entirely dependent on multiple unique variables.

And God knows what else...

So as divisive the topic is, it's universally relatable.

 

[Dribble]

I gave up everything to be in my kids daily lives. I lived just down the street. Then last year my ex had a brain aneurism leaving her very disabled. No court would stop me from taking my kids. But that wouldnt make it right. My ex didnt ask to have verbal capabilities of a 5yr old along w the other issues. She can't work...and I cant afford two places. So I moved into the basement.

Weird thing happened...the behavior of my youngest straightened right up. She started doing well in school again. Her anger is under control. I used to think it didnt matter I was right down the street. In my family's case...I was wrong. No, I am not happy...but my kids are. They are worth it.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I gave up everything to be in my kids daily lives. I lived just down the street. Then last year my ex had a brain aneurism leaving her very disabled. No court would stop me from taking my kids. But that wouldnt make it right. My ex didnt ask to have verbal capabilities of a 5yr old along w the other issues. She can't work...and I cant afford two places. So I moved into the basement.

Weird thing happened...the behavior of my youngest straightened right up. She started doing well in school again. Her anger is under control. I used to think it didnt matter I was right down the street. In my family's case...I was wrong. No, I am not happy...but my kids are. They are worth it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your ex, but what a great dad you are. And yes, they are absolutely worth it.

 

[rustysprings]

I'm here for my son and I'm not happy. I'm the stay at home parent and literally do the heavy lifting while my wife brings home bacon. Our son has special needs, who requires more attention then a "normal kid." He relies on my wife and I for a lot of his daily needs. What keeps me here is the unknown of what will happen to him. Will his progression forward slow down and start to regress. Will he have a reduction of services that we have now. Will his mom shut down and he gets lost. I would have to make sure the new place is accessible, I would have to find a job with opposite hours than hers. Daycare isn't an option, that has it's own set of issues.
Like any little boy, he's a momma's boy. He will push her buttons faster than anything and I will have to step in as a referee. Once I was gone for an hour, when I got back they were both in tears and at each others throat. He probably wanted something, mom said no, he started pushing buttons and mom would know enough to shut her mouth and walk away. She has to have the last word. Sometimes I feel like I can't go out for fear of coming back home to them fighting. I'm the disciplinarian because I can deal with him in a more adult way. I don't need to win an argument with an 8 year old.
Relationships should be for the most part a two way street. My relationship is mostly a one way street, I don't feel like an equal partner anymore. My, "Why am I here?", moment was in the middle of the grocery store justifying why I want a $4 jar of crunchy peanut butter. For 3 or 4 minutes I'm standing there trying to convince her to buy this jar of peanut butter before I thought to myself, "What am I doing?" I finally said okay I don't need the crunchy peanut butter, but all day it that was a sore spot for her that she kept bring up, couldn't let go of it.
I know my shit stinks, I got my flaws, I acknowledge that. At the end of the day it should be a team effort and not one person doing all the heavy lifting as it were.
I'll keep putting my son first, doing whatever I have to do for him, even if I have to put my wants and needs on the back burner.
Thank you for letting me voice my thoughts in a safe place.

Keep smiling.

 

[Gelista]

I'm here for my son and I'm not happy. I'm the stay at home parent and literally do the heavy lifting while my wife brings home bacon. Our son has special needs, who requires more attention then a "normal kid." He relies on my wife and I for a lot of his daily needs. What keeps me here is the unknown of what will happen to him. Will his progression forward slow down and start to regress. Will he have a reduction of services that we have now. Will his mom shut down and he gets lost. I would have to make sure the new place is accessible, I would have to find a job with opposite hours than hers. Daycare isn't an option, that has it's own set of issues.
Like any little boy, he's a momma's boy. He will push her buttons faster than anything and I will have to step in as a referee. Once I was gone for an hour, when I got back they were both in tears and at each others throat. He probably wanted something, mom said no, he started pushing buttons and mom would know enough to shut her mouth and walk away. She has to have the last word. Sometimes I feel like I can't go out for fear of coming back home to them fighting. I'm the disciplinarian because I can deal with him in a more adult way. I don't need to win an argument with an 8 year old.
Relationships should be for the most part a two way street. My relationship is mostly a one way street, I don't feel like an equal partner anymore. My, "Why am I here?", moment was in the middle of the grocery store justifying why I want a $4 jar of crunchy peanut butter. For 3 or 4 minutes I'm standing there trying to convince her to buy this jar of peanut butter before I thought to myself, "What am I doing?" I finally said okay I don't need the crunchy peanut butter, but all day it that was a sore spot for her that she kept bring up, couldn't let go of it.
I know my shit stinks, I got my flaws, I acknowledge that. At the end of the day it should be a team effort and not one person doing all the heavy lifting as it were.
I'll keep putting my son first, doing whatever I have to do for him, even if I have to put my wants and needs on the back burner.
Thank you for letting me voice my thoughts in a safe place.

Keep smiling.

Feel free to vent anytime!

 

[rustysprings]

Feel free to vent anytime!

Thank you.
95% of the time I can keep everything in check, keep things in perspective. The last 3 or 4 days that 5% is getting to me. I could easily go off the deep end and pull the pin. I know life has its ups and downs and I realize I'm in a down period. Hopefully in another 3 or 4 days I'll be back to the status quo.
In the meantime, keep on rocking that rocking beat.

 

[Dudeqwe]

First - interesting (and I’m sure will be divisive) thread...

Second - what UgliestSon said is the exact reason. It works both ways. I’ve been to the point that I was ready to leave and then husband would come home and my kids’ faces would light up that dad was home. How is it okay for me to take that from them because I may not be 100% happy?

However, I think if there is conflict in the house then things need to be re-evaluated. Husband and I are not fighting and he’s an amazing father (though daughter thinks a little too much in her business but she’s a teenager ). Sometime I think things would be easier if he was an asshole that I fought with so I could justify leaving. But that’s not the case. He still makes me laugh daily and I know I can rely on him, but there’s nothing beyond that.

A few years ago I had a “five-year plan” because that was how long it was until my youngest graduated from high school. I started doing things like getting a full time job and paying off our debt preparing for the day that I would leave...now we are down to two years and I’m not sure it will happen...

My point is that it’s not always a black and white he/she is a terrible person and I have to get away. Sometimes there’s so much more behind a decision to stay in a marriage...

I know this is an old post, but I’m in this situation and @lacandy i sooooo agree with this.

 

[Liberia]

I'm here for my son and I'm not happy. I'm the stay at home parent and literally do the heavy lifting while my wife brings home bacon. Our son has special needs, who requires more attention then a "normal kid." He relies on my wife and I for a lot of his daily needs. What keeps me here is the unknown of what will happen to him. Will his progression forward slow down and start to regress. Will he have a reduction of services that we have now. Will his mom shut down and he gets lost. I would have to make sure the new place is accessible, I would have to find a job with opposite hours than hers. Daycare isn't an option, that has it's own set of issues.
Like any little boy, he's a momma's boy. He will push her buttons faster than anything and I will have to step in as a referee. Once I was gone for an hour, when I got back they were both in tears and at each others throat. He probably wanted something, mom said no, he started pushing buttons and mom would know enough to shut her mouth and walk away. She has to have the last word. Sometimes I feel like I can't go out for fear of coming back home to them fighting. I'm the disciplinarian because I can deal with him in a more adult way. I don't need to win an argument with an 8 year old.
Relationships should be for the most part a two way street. My relationship is mostly a one way street, I don't feel like an equal partner anymore. My, "Why am I here?", moment was in the middle of the grocery store justifying why I want a $4 jar of crunchy peanut butter. For 3 or 4 minutes I'm standing there trying to convince her to buy this jar of peanut butter before I thought to myself, "What am I doing?" I finally said okay I don't need the crunchy peanut butter, but all day it that was a sore spot for her that she kept bring up, couldn't let go of it.
I know my shit stinks, I got my flaws, I acknowledge that. At the end of the day it should be a team effort and not one person doing all the heavy lifting as it were.
I'll keep putting my son first, doing whatever I have to do for him, even if I have to put my wants and needs on the back burner.
Thank you for letting me voice my thoughts in a safe place.

Keep smiling.

Hugs!