Masochistic Desires?

[popcorn2721]

I am wondering when the masochists on this board found their desires for pain to be manifested?

I never really thought of myself as a prescribed masochist (although I absolutely love kink) but have realized lately that I am in fact a being who enjoys the sensation of pain. When I was younger I used to do odd things like putting things in my ass that "weren't supposed to go" (getting off on stretching), running my penis under scalding water to see how long I "could take it", whipping myself with chains across the shoulders and looking at the red marks and other things to cause pain (never did the cutting thing though). I guess as an adult I came to understand that I like kink in my sex, still doing the anal stretching thing and really love getting my nipples and cock yanked and abused. Until a few weeks ago, I really just lumped that stuff under my "kink" umbrella and accepted it as it is. Im a bit of a tough guy, so I guess it takes a lot to hurt me (crushed finger, sports injury's and such).

The moment that made me take a real look at whats winding my gears came to me a several weeks ago. I have had trouble with ear infections from impacted wisdom teeth for a while. I am not a fan of the dentist (I was hurt real good as a child, and am obsessed with taking care of my teeth) so until this point I just muscled through it. This time though it was bad. The pain would come in attacks, lasting about 15 to 20 minutes and leave me feeling rather exhausted. It seems the worst ones, and I cannot figure for the life of me why, had the effect of creating a rock hard erection and my nipples standing erect, like my physical body was ready to fuck. Mentally I was just kinda zoning out, and doing my meditation to get through the pain.
This really blew my mind made me think about the things I had endured over the years and I realized that this pattern wasn't new for me but actually something that I did to gain some comfort for what I was going through. To give some examples, when I crushed my hand and times when I am sick, I have found myself aroused and would seek to "get off" so I could rest better afterward.

Im kinda coming to terms with it and am wondering if anyone else is getting off on the cocktails of endorphins that the body uses to get past pain as well.

 

[popcorn2721]

no comments?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm... thinking about this, trying to remember. I think you've offered an extraordinary insight, personally.

 

[laceNlthrgrrl]

I have to admit, most injury/illness pain doesn't get me aroused, but if the endorphins kick in it can be sufficiently similar to a bit of subspace. Mostly I'm too relieved that the edge is off to notice much more. (I'm clumsy, it happens more often than I'd care to admit.)

However, now that you mention it, there have been times when the desire to get off to get myself settled have happened; not always conveniently, though.

 

[punkreader]

You do have some great insight into it. I...For me, it was recent, and something of a shock. I've got a number of conditions that cause me a lot of chronic pain, and it's widespread and often extreme (in the realm of muscles that don't stop contracting and daily spontaneous dislocations - usually of my shoulders, hips, and vertebra, but also my fingers, toes, other bones in my feet, my jaw, even my pelvis for heaven's sake was once partially dislocated - every joint in my body can dislocate with no apparent trigger). The fact that the pain is constant, and is never completely gone means that I'm used to being in pain, and it doesn't really bother me until it ramps up when I'm sick. Injuries, while especially dangerous for me, aren't very painful.

I recently (a few months ago, actually) discovered after burning myself in the shower, that the pain from the burn didn't bother me at all, and instead I felt aroused and content. I found this confusing, so I tried some things (I've never cut myself, however): walking into things (which I do constantly anyway), first-degree burns, and the like. All of it felt...good, and I felt better afterwards. And that's when I connected the dots. Suddenly, a lot of the things I do when upset or irritated made sense: I would always, in some way, inflict pain on myself - through constriction, hitting something far harder than my hand repeatedly, hyperextension of my shoulders (which is rather painful...), or scratching until I bled. I was unknowingly calming myself down. And I figured something else out: what, for me, is the distinguishing factor between "good" pain and "bad" pain, is pressure. I'm also hypersensitive to touch thanks to a sensory processing dysfunction, and pressure has always felt good and calming even without pain. But when I'm in pain, and there's pressure applied to the area, or some part of my body, I become extremely aroused, and have to get off to get rid of it and often nod off. Without pressure, it's still painful and irritating. But mostly irritating.

That doesn't mean though that I enjoy all types of pain - my chronic widespread pain, muscle spasms, and dislocations are still extremely painful and are one of the causes of my constant exhaustion. I don't enjoy having to put my shoulders back, but I do. Once my threshold is reached, it just veers into "hurt" and not "pleasure" - I can, when I'm in pain, force it down if I meditate (even two minutes will do the trick) - it's how I manage to get through the day sometimes without passing out (from pain and exhaustion). But I'll like lasting pain, as well, and if I've got a wound somewhere, I'll often touch it to feel the pain (and jolt of pleasure) - but if it refuses to heal, as it often does thanks to a collagen deficiency, it simply adds to my pile of "bad" pain. I think that it's also the release of cortisol, a stress hormone, that influences what I (and likely others) interpret as "good" and " bad" pain - my body constantly makes it, since I'm in constant pain that does stress me out, so I think I'm more likely to notice any change in the normal pain levels, and more likely to cater to the pleasurable ones as a kind of escape...

But my body is a strange one, so I'm likely a more extreme case than many. I do enjoy my bumps, bruises, and falls more now, though.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Punkreader, yes! maybe it's the nerve endings in your skin-- they can override the deeper pain receptors. And damn that's awful. I cannot imagine living in such an extreme condition.

There was a time when I suffered from anesthesia-- I couldn't feel much sensation on my skin. (I never could tell if this was a genuine condition or my imagination, and I mentioned it to a few doctors who sort of shrugged their shoulders-- it was the seventies after all, and they shrugged at a lot of things that they now take seriously) It took a slap to activate the deeper receptors. I craved it-- being hit, on my back and shoulders, ass, legs, face. I could feel it.

Also, I know that a sense of fatigue gets me feeling extra horny.

 

[punkreader]

Thank you. For most other people with the condition, while they have the same symptoms, it's not as bad as my incarnation - I, according to doctors at NIH, have "one of the most extreme cases we've ever seen." I'm involved in a longitudinal study there following people with my condition (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome).

I've also got a lot of other stuff piled on top of it that others don't, so my case is "extreme" in a lot of ways - although, granted that doctors once said I would be blind, deaf, mute, mentally retarded, unable to walk, and be unable to recognize people, I think I've done pretty damn well. Although walking's a bit difficult at times, and I can't walk in a straight line to save my life - I'm getting a wheelchair soon for self-propelled transit at college, and am looking forward to that. Because passing out from standing up too long is a bad thing in the middle of a museum (my legs just gave out that time, but I do lose conciousness at times, due to really bad circulation). I jokingly call them "Victorian fainting spells." And I have what is according to doctors an extraordinary tolerance for pain, which is good and bad. Good in that I can take a lot before I complain, bad in that if I'm pain, I don't say anything because I'm aware I can take it, and possibly faciliatate worsening whatever it is. I made a cursory and very abbreviated list here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=354668&page=5#112

I call myself the "medical basket case" - and I can make "disabled-people" jokes (about myself)!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

When I was younger I used to do odd things like putting things in my ass that "weren't supposed to go" (getting off on stretching), running my penis under scalding water to see how long I "could take it"

Those were my first experiences with pain as well, only swap out vagina, for ass and penis.

I've often thought about what it might feel like to try and channel unfun pain like a toothache or broken leg into sexy pain as a coping mechanism, however I've not experienced anything like that of late to try it out.

The closest I come these days is pushing myself really hard at the gym, and then sitting in the car sobbing afterwards, because emotionally, I feel exactly the same as I do after a solid beating. Damned endorphins. Heh.

 

[seela]

I've often thought about what it might feel like to try and channel unfun pain like a toothache or broken leg into sexy pain as a coping mechanism, however I've not experienced anything like that of late to try it out.

I've never tried it on my own, but I've been slapped across the face and had my hair pulled to oblivion when I had tooth ache. It was an interesting mix of sensations, as the aching tooth multiplied the sensations of having my face slapped or maybe the face slapping intensified the pain from my aching tooth. He really got off of it, when he realized what was happening. It certainly helped me push through the night before going to dentist. I'm not a masochist, well only emotionally, so the pain wasn't really sexy pain for me. It was distractive enough, though, so it worked.

I'm hypermobile big time, like punkreader, and I've noticed, I tend to flex my shoulders when I'm stressed. It's really not a good thing, as they've been both operated to keep them from dislocating all the time, so I try to behave and not do it, but it really does take a lot of concentration at times. There's something soothing about pain to me, but I don't get off of it and I don't crave it in a sexy way.

 

[popcorn2721]

I'm... thinking about this, trying to remember. I think you've offered an extraordinary insight, personally.

Thanks Stella, Im still trying to wrap my head around this. I think the baffling part is this behavior has been present throughout my entire life, and Im just now realizing it for what it is. Even when I got in trouble (receiving corporal punishment as a kid) I remember that sensation. Going to the chiropractor, my doctor tells me "I can tell you like the pain" when being hooked onto the tens unit. I am still trying to figure out what to do with this discovery.

Punkreader, thank you for your post. I can only imagine the pain you have to endure.

Mrs. Popcorn and I have a rubber flogger which we got tried (she swung it until her arm was sore), and I discovered it didnt really produce any kind of sensation at all for me, at least.
So, I guess my next question is who is doing what to feed the need for pain, is it self inflicted or are you getting help?

 

[punkreader]

Thanks Stella, Im still trying to wrap my head around this. I think the baffling part is this behavior has been present throughout my entire life, and Im just now realizing it for what it is. Even when I got in trouble (receiving corporal punishment as a kid) I remember that sensation. Going to the chiropractor, my doctor tells me "I can tell you like the pain" when being hooked onto the tens unit. I am still trying to figure out what to do with this discovery.

Punkreader, thank you for your post. I can only imagine the pain you have to endure.

Mrs. Popcorn and I have a rubber flogger which we got tried (she swung it until her arm was sore), and I discovered it didnt really produce any kind of sensation at all for me, at least. So, I guess my next question is who is doing what to feed the need for pain, is it self inflicted or are you getting help?

It's nothing, really. It struck me as interesting, this thread, and it feels...good to be able to share with people who just might understand, even if they only understand a small part of it. If someone even tries to understand, it is an effort much appreciated, by whomever that person may come in contact with that has something needing understanding. That...was a horribly confusing sentence! My apologies...

I appreciate your sympathy/empathy. That's how it is for most people - I'm actually pretty quiet about my pain and conditions and how they affect me, in real life. For me, it's just how things are, and that's that; I see no use in asking "why me?", in complaining, in going off on a diatribe to gain attention or sympathy, in wallowing in self-pity. It won't change anything, and there are those who have it far worse than I - I'm (very) grateful to be mobile, and to be able to be largely independent - I know that some other Lit. forum users (and many other people all over the world) aren't, and I can understand just how frustrating that is....At least, based on how irritated I get when people try to do things for me that I'd rather do on my own, like make my bed - which sometimes does give me trouble - although I'm no longer afraid to ask for help when I need it with a task. Most of the time. Sometimes, I still am so afraid of (often imagined) bad responses that I won't ask - but that's a different beast altogether, and is something I'm actively working on under an umbrella of other, trauma-based issues that have only some to do with my disabilities. I might make a spinoff thread about that, as I can see I've gone off on a tangent...

Anyway, back to what I was trying to say! Basically, I see no use in complaining because I know that many others have far more difficult situations than I do, and my older cousin (who is a quadriplegic secondary to [caused by or preceded by] a brain tumor - he is ventilator-dependent, and is in a care facility. He's bed-bound, and can no longer speak like you and I do, as he has no teeth. He can still communicate, with facial expressions, lip movements, and sounds, like raspberries, but he can't really express himself to the extent I'm sure he often wants to. His body really doesn't work, and is failing after 25 years, far longer than anyone predicted he would live, and much longer than many others like him. He has it far worse than I do, and I never hear him complain or feel sorry for himself. I'm aware that he's depressed, and is getting tired of living in his body, but he has those moments in private with his extremely devoted dad. He's otherwise optimistic, funny, and always looks for the good in life and in people. And he's always raring to go, when he isn't sick (and he can fall seriously ill or something can go wrong almost literally at the drop of a hat). I admire him greatly, as I do his dad for his devotion and just how much he loves his son, and for the challenges that he's overcome. My cousin is the reason why I am typically quiet about my body, and my challenges. Although I do know that I have a right to complain sometimes - I don't do it often enough, I'm told.

To answer your next question, mine is self-inflicted or comes about as a result of my medical conditions. The kind that usually is "good" pain is self-inflicted (very mildly - I try to be very careful with my body), in the ways already described, along with the temporary bumps, bruises, cuts, and scrapes I acquire as a result of my clumsiness (which is influenced by some of my medical things, along with fatigue.) If it's the chronic pain, or is caused somehow by a condition (like the fact that I constantly twist and strain my ankles and feet, or the spasticity-aided spontaneous dislocations/subluxations (partial dislocations - what I typically deal with), then it just sucks, no pleasure whatever. As of now (not sure about in future), I'd feel comfortable only if I were the one doing it, as I know my body (and its exact limits) best - as it is, I feel comfortable with only a select few people doing any sort of manipulation or hands-on help with stretching, physical therapy, and readjustment; my mom, my old physical therapist (who is a lovely person, she has had MS for decades, and still runs her own practice out of her home - she's an absolute ray of sunshine), my orthopedic surgeon (who wrote/co-authored what is considered the definitive textbook on cerebral palsy - focusing on children - and caring for those who have it), my best friend (who I sometimes had to ask to help me on a bad day), and myself.

----

I'm hypermobile big time, like punkreader, and I've noticed, I tend to flex my shoulders when I'm stressed. It's really not a good thing, as they've been both operated to keep them from dislocating all the time, so I try to behave and not do it, but it really does take a lot of concentration at times. There's something soothing about pain to me, but I don't get off of it and I don't crave it in a sexy way.

Hypermobility - the one thing it's good for is scaring the crap out of people, although I definitely get what you're saying about how destructive it (and its results) are to the joints. My left foot is deforming (after being corrected in infancy, with improper treatment and withholding of supportive gear) again, my big toe is misaligned thanks to what is, to oversimplify a bit, a very large bunion at the base of the first metatarsal. The stupid thing causes pain, and makes walking more difficult than it already is, as I walk on it when not wearing my correcitve (done right this time!) shoe inserts. My foot is also turning inward at the ankle (also corrected in infancy), and other bones are deforming. Essentially, my feet don't roll through a stride, and instead roll sideways, the left especially. When I'm not wearing those inserts, I'm walking on the interior side of my left foot. Corrective surgery is likely imminent at this point... Whenever I have it, which is likely not going to be any time soon, I'll be very glad.

I have a hard time not hyperextending my joints, too, out of habit. My elbows are the most frequent offenders, doing it when I sit and lean on my arms or when I try and hold my arms "straight" (read: which they can't do). I don't notice, and have asked other people to tell me when I'm doing it.

 

[neci]

i've played with pain since i hit puberty. it started out as a way to see if i could feel anything at all. progressed from there.

 

[seela]

I have a hard time not hyperextending my joints, too, out of habit. My elbows are the most frequent offenders, doing it when I sit and lean on my arms or when I try and hold my arms "straight" (read: which they can't do). I don't notice, and have asked other people to tell me when I'm doing it.

Ah, my elbows, freaking people out since 1984. Unfortunately(?) their hyperextention doesn't hurt, so I it's a habit I haven't been able to get rid off.

Sorry for the hijack, popcorn2721.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I can easily point to many times in my early childhood that I found pain to be a fascination that was transfixing. That said, how that eventually transversed into sexual cravings for me is far more complicated and muddled.

 

[popcorn2721]

I can easily point to many times in my early childhood that I found pain to be a fascination that was transfixing. That said, how that eventually transversed into sexual cravings for me is far more complicated and muddled.

I think this is where Im at now, trying to figure out where Im going with this discovery.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think this is where Im at now, trying to figure out where Im going with this discovery.

A kind of intellectual masturbation...

It is fascinating though, isn't it? However, I think it might be as simple as:

Your lifelong experience with pain has led to a very efficient, sensitised endorphin reaction.

You, like so many other folk, are sexual when you get the chance

it's no surprise that your body has put two and two together-- your pain reactions can be sexualised, so they are.

Hell, look at the wild and wacky list of things people inadvertently sexualise-- feet in stockings... for one friend of mine, the sight of blue poly rope gets her hot. She cant be trusted in a hardware store.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

..........

 

[txblush]

Those were my first experiences with pain as well, only swap out vagina, for ass and penis.

I've often thought about what it might feel like to try and channel unfun pain like a toothache or broken leg into sexy pain as a coping mechanism, however I've not experienced anything like that of late to try it out.

The closest I come these days is pushing myself really hard at the gym, and then sitting in the car sobbing afterwards, because emotionally, I feel exactly the same as I do after a solid beating. Damned endorphins. Heh.

I had the same experience with a trainer I worked with at the gym. I loved the fact that while working out my body until it failed that the pent up emotions also were released with a good cry. However, I couldn't quite make it to my car before the waterworks turned on.

 

[punkreader]

Ah, my elbows, freaking people out since 1984. Unfortunately(?) their hyperextention doesn't hurt, so I it's a habit I haven't been able to get rid off.

Sorry for the hijack, popcorn2721.

My neck and hands really freak people out: I can make my ear parallel to my shoulder (which I no longer do, because I found out I could tear open my carotid and kill myself accidentally...), and I can do all of the things seen here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers-Danlos_syndrome (in the picture) with my fingers - I once dislocated my fingers in an attempt to calm myself - I was slightly drunk... I'm...not doing that again.

Agreed, Seela: I apologize for the highjack, popcorn2721.

I'm also working to become more comfortable with this part of myself, although I get the feeling it sounds here like I'm there already - I'm not. Not at all - it still makes me feel very uncomfortable, and awkward, and when I think about my chronic pain and the masochism, I just go, "Wait...what? How...where does it fit in?" It's something I'm struggling to accept as I'm going into my senior year, and evaluating colleges - along with confronting my mortality for what feels like the hundreth time, and being forced to really evaluate how my disabilities and medical conditions will impact my future and my dreams. It has me a bit depressed right now, likely nursed by end-of-the-schoolyear-fatigue.

I'm honestly not sure where it started for me, or what started it. Six years of domestic abuse (physical, emotional, and verbal) certainly didn't - it was utterly terrifying, and chronic pain isn't sexy at all... Perhaps it's because my body is explicitly used to being in pain, 24/7, that the masochism developed, as an extra coping mechanism? I really don't know... To be honest, not being in pain and discomfort freaks me out in a big way (which I've experienced on post-surgery morphine). I'll use the Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale (link: http://www1.us.elsevierhealth.com/FACES/graphics/wong_faces0-10alt.gif) 1-10 as a guide to elaborate: my baseline pain level is 2, my usual level (barring any other circumstances such as weather, menstrual cyle, or illness) is anywhere between 4 and 6, and my worst is around 8 or a bit higher.

Having said that, I'm tuned-in to my body, and can usually quickly tell when something's wrong, where it is, and what may have caused it. I largely treat most of it myself, with help from my mom and doctors. My body, my brain, is accustomed to pain - I've lived with it all my life - and so being entirely pain and discomfort-free sends up a big red flag that screams something's really wrong, and it whatever it is needs fixing and needs it now. The pain does get extreme sometimes, and I've finally gotten on a medication to help manage it, which has done quite a bit in helping - but I don't want it to go away entirely.

I've got a question of my own that I'd like to ask, related to masochism, but I'll start a new thread for it.

 

[radepor]

Not sure. I thought I knew but. not sure

I loved putting extraordinarily large things in my behind when I was 20 or less.

I love it now decades later but I don't often do it.

Instead, I often stuff large object in my urethra (?male vagina?). Have crushed/punctured/burned and othewise abuse nipples and generally wreaked havoc.

I'm not certain when I turned on myself and/or turned-on myself.

Wonderfull question. Wish I had answers.

I am wondering when the masochists on this board found their desires for pain to be manifested?

I never really thought of myself as a prescribed masochist (although I absolutely love kink) but have realized lately that I am in fact a being who enjoys the sensation of pain. When I was younger I used to do odd things like putting things in my ass that "weren't supposed to go" (getting off on stretching), running my penis under scalding water to see how long I "could take it", whipping myself with chains across the shoulders and looking at the red marks and other things to cause pain (never did the cutting thing though). I guess as an adult I came to understand that I like kink in my sex, still doing the anal stretching thing and really love getting my nipples and cock yanked and abused. Until a few weeks ago, I really just lumped that stuff under my "kink" umbrella and accepted it as it is. Im a bit of a tough guy, so I guess it takes a lot to hurt me (crushed finger, sports injury's and such).

The moment that made me take a real look at whats winding my gears came to me a several weeks ago. I have had trouble with ear infections from impacted wisdom teeth for a while. I am not a fan of the dentist (I was hurt real good as a child, and am obsessed with taking care of my teeth) so until this point I just muscled through it. This time though it was bad. The pain would come in attacks, lasting about 15 to 20 minutes and leave me feeling rather exhausted. It seems the worst ones, and I cannot figure for the life of me why, had the effect of creating a rock hard erection and my nipples standing erect, like my physical body was ready to fuck. Mentally I was just kinda zoning out, and doing my meditation to get through the pain.
This really blew my mind made me think about the things I had endured over the years and I realized that this pattern wasn't new for me but actually something that I did to gain some comfort for what I was going through. To give some examples, when I crushed my hand and times when I am sick, I have found myself aroused and would seek to "get off" so I could rest better afterward.

Im kinda coming to terms with it and am wondering if anyone else is getting off on the cocktails of endorphins that the body uses to get past pain as well.