Meeting the Domme, Dom, or sub of Your Dreams

[KimGordon67]

I want to drink wine with Kim.

I'll bring the wine if you bring the cheese & crackers.

 

[Lubufoo]

So, I've discovered over the years that it's not easy to find that kinky partner of your dreams. Every person has different likes or dislikes and of course their own lives get in the way too. So my question to all of you is what is the most difficult part of meeting that Domme, Dom, or sub of your dreams? Is it going up and introducing yourself, getting past the veil of online anonymity, finding a partner with your likes, getting the nerve up to attend a munch, or maybe even getting past your own stereotypes that might make up your preference. Whatever it is, what's the hardest part about getting out there to fulfill your own fantasies?

For me it seems to be age in the reverse of what has been talked about. People my age (young-ish) either haven't explored their own fantasies yet or are not open minded about the subject at all. I'm not sure of my feelings, all I know is a feminine and mature woman choosing me, I'm not sure what I wouldn't do to make her happy. And that scares me, but I'm more than willing to experiment. I am either working or relaxing at home at the moment. So I'm not really doing the best job of putting myself out there either. So what's the hardest part you ask? Probably just self advertising. I for some reason cannot put myself out there.

 

[Primalex]

My suspicion (and it's just a suspicion) is that the women are more inclined to be 'serious' about it.

x% of women who are stating that they are looking for a submissive relationship just want an interactive sex story to masturbate to and x is fucking big.

Do women have less issues finding someone than men do? Or the other way around?
*curtsies slightly*

How would we know?

For men it's like a big pile of chocolate Advent calendars without chocolate behind the doors. And no, no matter how much time and effort you invest before opening a door, there is no chocolate. There is not even a poem. There is just nothingness. Some doors have "Chocolate here!" with glitter and lights and you open them and there..is nothingness. Not even a "Haha, fuck you" written there; that's just echoing through your mind.

And you look at that pile of Advent calendars and wonder what you did that you deserve such a treatment and whether it's actually worth it to try to open the next door. On some days, you beg for something besides nothingness, your fingers shaking from the false prospect of chocolate behind the door, an illusion your mind gives you to make this all bearable. On some days you think you can increase the chance for chocolate by following some rituals. On other days, you are carelessly ripping doors open out of frustration - just one chocolate, even a kind you are not particularly fond of, would be enough to lift the spirit for the day. But this is not your fate. And you stare at all those open doors, laughing at you in your head - and you turn away humiliated.

 

[Farawyn]

x% of women who are stating that they are looking for a submissive relationship just want an interactive sex story to masturbate to and x is fucking big.




How would we know?

For men it's like a big pile of chocolate Advent calendars without chocolate behind the doors. And no, no matter how much time and effort you invest before opening a door, there is no chocolate. There is not even a poem. There is just nothingness. Some doors have "Chocolate here!" with glitter and lights and you open them and there..is nothingness. Not even a "Haha, fuck you" written there; that's just echoing through your mind.

And you look at that pile of Advent calendars and wonder what you did that you deserve such a treatment and whether it's actually worth it to try to open the next door. On some days, you beg for something besides nothingness, your fingers shaking from the false prospect of chocolate behind the door, an illusion your mind gives you to make this all bearable. On some days you think you can increase the chance for chocolate by following some rituals. On other days, you are carelessly ripping doors open out of frustration - just one chocolate, even a kind you are not particularly fond of, would be enough to lift the spirit for the day. But this is not your fate. And you stare at all those open doors, laughing at you in your head - and you turn away humiliated.

I'm an atheist and a diabetic.
Does not compute.

Are you saying no pussy is frustrating?

 

[ariel58]

Do women have less issues finding someone than men do? Or the other way around?
*curtsies slightly*

From a male perspective, it takes time and patience to find a compatible girl who wants similar things, and can be very frustrating.

But it’s worth it.

 

[Cakecups]

Now I have this craving for cheap advent calendar chocolate, that waxy kind


I think we have these preconceived notions of what we want, what we think we need or want and we let them cloud our judgement, we over analyze interactions and write people off too quickly because they aren't fulfilling some check list that doesn't even make sense. I don't want the "Dom of my dreams", I don't want someone to be what I want them to be, I want to learn and grow together. Messy non perfect relationships are great. Basically I don't think you can "find" the person of your dreams, I think you make the relationship that by working hard together.

I should clarify, I'm in an incredibly rewarding relationship. And what I like about it most isn't the kinks, it's the way we tackle life, the shared personality traits, humor, drive etc. it's not that he likes nipple clamps or orgasm control or doesn't like those things. It's the vanilla side of things that I'm attracted too most. The kinks come second and are awesome but I don't think they are the end all.

 

[cascadiabound]

Now I have this craving for cheap advent calendar chocolate, that waxy kind


I think we have these preconceived notions of what we want, what we think we need or want and we let them cloud our judgement, we over analyze interactions and write people off too quickly because they aren't fulfilling some check list that doesn't even make sense. I don't want the "Dom of my dreams", I don't want someone to be what I want them to be, I want to learn and grow together. Messy non perfect relationships are great. Basically I don't think you can "find" the person of your dreams, I think you make the relationship that by working hard together.

I should clarify, I'm in an incredibly rewarding relationship. And what I like about it most isn't the kinks, it's the way we tackle life, the shared personality traits, humor, drive etc. it's not that he likes nipple clamps or orgasm control or doesn't like those things. It's the vanilla side of things that I'm attracted too most. The kinks come second and are awesome but I don't think they are the end all.

I had a sudden craving for cheap Advent calendar chocolates too. Lol.

And Cakecups...I think the rest of your post is spot on. Messy relationships that two people work at...both growing and challenging each other seem to me to be the best. And your point about what happens in the "vanilla" moments being so important...you are exactly right.
*Standing ovation*

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm an atheist and a diabetic.
Does not compute.

Are you saying no pussy is frustrating?

Here's pretty much exactly that set to music. (Although they don't mention Advent calendars.)

 

[Primalex]

I think you make the relationship that by working hard together.
[..]

Same problem, differently worded. You need to find someone who wants to work on the current (semi-)relationship. How do you find that person? Back to the beginning.

 

[Cakecups]

Same problem, differently worded. You need to find someone who wants to work on the current (semi-)relationship. How do you find that person? Back to the beginning.

Very true, I noticed I was doing that, basic same problem worded differently but I was feeling posty and decided fuck it, and hit enter.

 

[Farawyn]

Very true, I noticed I was doing that, basic same problem worded differently but I was feeling posty and decided fuck it, and hit enter.

You're the sub of my dreams.

 

[Farawyn]

Same problem, differently worded. You need to find someone who wants to work on the current (semi-)relationship. How do you find that person? Back to the beginning.

I think she hit the nail on the head. It's the vanilla. The kink comes after. That's why Lit, and for others, Fet and other sites are so good.
It gets the kink out of the way.
We know, simply by being here, we are all sick fucks.
So, it's the camraderie and the laughs and the downtime and the messy bits that make it all.

 

[Farawyn]

...and that can hit you in an instant, or take time.
Keep opening the doors.
If you don't you will never know.

 

[Lord_Johnny]

I met my husband on another kink site. I actually met a bunch of really good guys among the not so good. I was stood up a lot. I met a lot of those married guys, too. At least we'd pick a good restaurant to have a drink so I could enjoy the place if I didn't enjoy the guy!! I remember a couple times going home in tears. But I really wanted a D/s relationship. I figured I would just keep plodding away.

I started out my "ad" in a pretty vanilla way -- I was clear that i wanted a relationship. That didn't stop the fakes but after a while, I could weed those out just by reading their messages. But I didn't lead with all my kinky interests. I figured I'd save that for later.

Eventually, it worked!! I agree with others that you need to treat it like you're NOT meeting the Dom, or "Him" or the One. You're just meeting a guy. Let your values, your interest, lead the way.

I spent far too much time thinking I'd met the Dom of my dreams because I let my pussy lead the way. I had several 2 - 3 month relationships I thought were IT. I even registered at the Slave Registry with one guy because, of course I was a slave after 2 months of intense kinky fuckery!!! I realized a month later I didn't really like the guy.

Keep at it. Have fun. Enjoy a little kink along the way, even if it doesn't work out. And good luck.

I realize that I'm joining the conversation pretty late, but this, I think, hits the nail on the head. Granted, I have a bit of the opposite problem. I have a hard time finding submissives that fit what I'm looking for. It has led me to have pretty straightforward personal ads. About the only thing I do that keeps it in the DOM/sub world is to post it in the BDSM threads.