More jokes for your enjoyment!

[Shylady]

Thanks to thumbs2_ca *muah* you are too funny!


Sexual Harrasment

I thought working for myself would be
great, but it's not. Tomorrow, I have
to fire myself for sexually harassing
myself. But it's my own fault --
I warned myself, but I just wouldn't stop.



Biker Wannabe

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She
knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your
biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed
to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The
little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there"
and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady
says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever
been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked
up
by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my
nipples

 

[Pokerman]

Thanks to thumbs2_ca *muah* you are too funny!


Sexual Harrasment

I thought working for myself would be
great, but it's not. Tomorrow, I have
to fire myself for sexually harassing
myself. But it's my own fault --
I warned myself, but I just wouldn't stop.

Giving credit where credit is due....that was the Rumination of the Day from the Top 5 list the other day. (http://www.topfive.com)

 

[goodgirl79]

funny stuff

LOL! Thanks, I needed a laugh

 

[goodgirl79]

only fair...

Since you all always seem to cheer me up...some humor for you from me...enjoy

goodgirl


Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.'

Sharon Stone
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My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's
reading.'

Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

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'Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.'

Tiger Woods.
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'Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive
scrotum!"'

Patricia Arquette

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'Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.'

Rev. Jesse Jackson

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'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.'

Jack Nicholson

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'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.'

Barbara Bush

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'Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.'

Robin Williams

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'Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.'
Roseanne

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'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
Billy Crystal
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'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front
of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas,
of course men are just grateful.'

Robert De Niro

------------------------------------------------------------

In the last couple of weeks I have seen these ads for Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough
attention to women's breasts?'
Hugh Grant

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'There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?'

Dustin Hoffman

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'When the sun comes up, I have morals again.'
Elizabeth Taylor

-----------------------------------------------------------
'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house.'
Rod Stewart

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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only

enough blood to run one at a time.'

Robin Williams

 

[Asendin]

How Much For A Blow Job

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

 

[goodgirl79]

NICE!!!!

No offense Gentlemen..I'd submit some women bashing jokes too, to be politically correct and all...but I don't have any
goodgirl


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you > can
tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor:
a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something:
suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 400 years. Even in
biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check
books.

14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means
you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 

[shyybabe]

Dead Cat Test

Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test,
a true story:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move,"
said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."