More theological musings

[Isabella Thorne]

IN THE BEGINNING

After 3 weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's things, Eve? he asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God", she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets, breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It's three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real problem." reported Eve.

"That's a fair comment" replied God. "But it's my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals - what, six, so I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away."

With this God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God came again to visit Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic" she replied "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you.

Now, let me see.....Where did I leave that useless boob?"

 

[insideShiraz]

Sounds more like Lilith...

Why do they say the Perfect woman iz 3 feet tall with a flat head to rest your Beer on?

 

[Isolde]

LOL..that was great! I loved it!

 

[FlamingoBlue]

From what I've heard, you put your....

"useless boobs" (guys) to some pretty good use.


blue

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Good joke. Here's one:

John rushes to Calgary with a ladder to rescue Jesus from the cross.

John: I'm here, Lord. I'll remove the nails. First the right hand, then the left hand...

Jesus: (as he falls forward) The feet! The feet!

[Edited by Dixon Carter Lee on 03-14-2001 at 10:39 AM]

 

[insideShiraz]

Peter Joke...

Peter sneaks out of his house built into the wall of Jerusalem, and makes his way up to Golgotha to save Jesus somehow. How could Peter the Rock deny knowing his Saviour three times the way he did? It was tearing him apart...

After inching his way to the foot of the cross, He said to himself,"Lord, give me a sign"...Just then, Jesus looked up and cried out,"Peter!"...

Peter dashed out of the crowd yelling,"I'm coming Lord! Give me the strength of Sampson!"

But a Roman guard intercepted him, cut off his arm and threw him back in the crowd. Jesus looked up and cried out,"Peter!"...

Peter ran out of the crowd yelling,"Coming Lord!"...

But the guard grabbed him again, cut off his other arm, and threw Peter back into the crowd...

Jesus cried out,"Peter!"...Peter rushed out of the crowd and had his leg cut off...

"Peter!"...Off came his other leg, where upon, the Roman guard tossed Peter's limbless body to the foot of the cross...

"Yes Lord", Peter moaned...

Jesus looked up and said,"Peter, I can see your house from here"...

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

JESUS: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

(Giant rock hits the prostitute, killing her.)

JESUS: Mom, sometimes you just piss me off...

 

[insideShiraz]

Joke I made up Az a Kid...

Wut was the Greatest Business Transaction in the Bible?

When Pharoh's Daughter drew a Major Prophet from the Banks of the Nile...

 

[insideShiraz]

That was a great telling...

I've never heard that Pinnochio story that way! lol

 

[bluntforcemama]

I like that version MUCH better.... maybe I'll name my first born Lillith... she's so much more down to earth... none of that flitty stuff that Eve does.... And I'll bet anyone ten bucks that Lillith was an IMP!

 

[Ezzy]

I have always wondered...

Good joke. Here's one:

John rushes to Calgary with a ladder to rescue Jesus from the cross.

John: I'm here, Lord. I'll remove the nails. First the right hand, then the left hand...

Jesus: (as he falls forward) The feet! The feet!

[Edited by Dixon Carter Lee on 03-14-2001 at 10:39 AM]

About the people from Calgary, thanks for the details.





EZ

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Oh lord won't you buy me a Mercedez Benz

Oh lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz.
My friends all drive porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends.
So oh lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz

Oh lord won't you buy me a color TV.
Dialing for dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until 3.
So oh lord won't you buy me a color TV.

Oh lord won't you buy me a night on the town.
I'm counting on you lord, please don't let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round.
Oh lord won't you buy me a night on the town.

Oh lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends.
So oh lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz

~Janis Joplin~

 

[Ally C]

They're all good but ...

... I liked the 'Greatest Business Transaction' one the best. Thanks insideShiraz.

One more:

Jesus walks into a hotel and lays a box of nails on the counter. The receptionist looks up and says "Can I help you sir?" Jesus replies "Yeah, could you put me up for the night?"

 

[Isabella Thorne]

THE GIFT OF LIFE

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces andtricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give
you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years?

No way, man! Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

And that is why in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the
best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks.

And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people.
________________
oh i must be very innocent and naive because i have never heard of Jesus jokes before ... wow they are funny .... but what's this about Calgary? i don't get that part, eh? seriously ...

 

[Mortto56]

Hey there Isabella!

You know I have been called a useless boob before!(LMAO)

 

[Ambrosious]

A man was trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"

And God said, "In a minute."

 

[Ally C]

Ambrosius

I'm not good with figures, but with the interest rates on that penny over a million years ... well, that guys gonna be rich one day.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Do not read this Jesus Joke if you are offended by Jesus Jokes

Q: What were the last words Jesus heard before he was crucified?

A: Cross your legs, we only have 3 nails.
_________________________________
ohhhhhh hello Morty luv ... how's that bratwurst doing?

what's that blue dear? you want to play with my boobies again .... well ok ... jeez the things a girl has to do around here ... lol

 

[Mortto56]

Well Isabella,My Bratwurst is doing just fine.

Now come here!...I have a nice Blunt for you to suck on!hehehe!(saying that in my best boyish grin)

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Bad to the Bone

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

He called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God that yes it is bad on Earth. In fact, 95% of the people are bad and only 5% are good. He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

He called on another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned, she told him that yes, the Earth was in decline. Only 5% of the people were good and the other 95% were bad.

God said this was not good.

He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help keep them going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?













You didn't get the e-mail either, eh?

 

[Ally C]

I got it ...

... but I deleted it before I had read it. I thought it was SPAM ... closer inspection reveals it was in fact St Peter's Angelic Mail. The subject was "I Love You", which kinda had the alarm bells sounding too.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Sister Margaret

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell.He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
________________
Wake up Maggie
I think I've got something to say to you
~Rod Stewart~

 

[Juspar Emvan]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

 

[Juspar Emvan]

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
* religion
* royalty
* sex
* mystery

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

 

[willywanker]

Three nuns were killed in a car wreck. Upon reaching the pearly gates, they were certian they would be shown right in. But St. Peter told them first they would each have to answer a question concerning the Bible. They all got very nervous and start to try to remember all that they had learn going thru convent school.

The first nun stepped up th the gate and St Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man on earth?" "Oh, thats an easy one " replied the nun, "It was Adam"
The bells tolled, the horns blew and the gates opened up and she walked in.

The second nun stepped up to the gate and St Peter asked her, "What was the name of the first woman on earth?" "Oh, thats and easy one" she said. "Her name was Eve." The bells tolled, the horns blew and the gates opened wide and she walked on in.

The third nun bu now felt a little more comfortable that she could answer her question. She stepped forward and St. Peter asked "What were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam?" "Oh, thats a hard one" said the nun and the bells tolled, the horns blew, and the gates swung open wide.