My Demon

[faeruun]

its my first time posting any poetry, so any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback of any sort would be much appreciated, thanks in advance ; )


A succubus straight from hell
her voice weaving a seductive spell
this dark haired beauty with lustful eyes
caused saints to question their holy ties

She popped into my life and held me sway
and from that point on i would have gladly been her slave
Long dark hair and a pretty face
a body experienced and definitely not chaste

This gorgeous creation of hell
a nymphomaniac who suited my needs so well
eyes of ebony and skin of alabaster
with a cold heart made of plaster

this beautiful creature
was my most favored teacher
with a cruel twist she went to fulfill anothers wish
leaving me shattered and broken with naught but a token

this gorgeous creature so dark and fel
is nothing more than imagination, to myself i tell
deep down in my heart i know one thing is true
even if the woman i knew is not the demon of my dreams
I shall find her someday and learn what lust truly means.



Hope you liked it!

 

[faeruun]

bump, i know there are people with opinions out there!

 

[Liar]

Well hi there.

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, but the truth is, I don't have much intelligent to say. Your poem is a poem that explicitly spells out a lot about what you feel, but doesn't really make me feel anything. Dunno what to do about that. Perhaps you need to tell this with less exagerrated words, (unless of sourse she actually WAS a succubus from hell) and find something concrete that other than you can recognize and relate to.

And another thing, more technical: Are you making a rhyming couplet poem or not? Because sometimes, your lines does not rhyme, and when they do, it often mess up the natural flow of mere grammar, because you have been forced to apply a rhyme.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I would agree with Liar, and take it a step further. One way to really alienate yourself from genuine critique from other poets is to use rhymed couplets that don't have a fixed or organized meter. Most of us see that technique as WAY too easy - it's kinda cheating.

Allow me to recommend a favorite resource - Babette Deutch's Poetry Handbook. She'll tell you all about meter, and about the kind of forms you can use when writing and how to use them skilfully.

The more you learn about your craft, the better a poet you'll be. You wouldn't expect to become a painter if you didn't know about colors and types of paint, or what sort of brushes and canvas were available, right?

good luck,

bijou

 

[faeruun]

Thank you for the information, im pretty new to poetry so i just wrote something i felt strongly about, and tried to make it rhyme. Is there an online resource that you would recommend? Its going to be awhile before im able to get to a bookstore but i would like to work on improving between now and then.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Thank you for the information, im pretty new to poetry so i just wrote something i felt strongly about, and tried to make it rhyme. Is there an online resource that you would recommend? Its going to be awhile before im able to get to a bookstore but i would like to work on improving between now and then.

This very site has some extraordinary resources. I'll leave it to those who know their way around better than I to tell you what's available.

bijou

 

[champagne1982]

Thank you for the information, im pretty new to poetry so i just wrote something i felt strongly about, and tried to make it rhyme. Is there an online resource that you would recommend? Its going to be awhile before im able to get to a bookstore but i would like to work on improving between now and then.

Hi faeruun,

This thread Sticky: Poets: Please Read (Welcome, Info, Useful Links, Awards) right near the top of the forum index, has a number of posts that are superb online resources, not just for poetry, but authorship and publishing as well.

with a cruel twist she went to fulfill anothers wish

You know, if you say this with a Sean Connery accent you get: "wish a crull twish swent a full fill another swish" ... sorry, it seems kinda funny to me.

I turned my daemon poem into an epic... Temptation's Dance

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Hi faeruun,

You know, if you say this with a Sean Connery accent you get: "wish a crull twish swent a full fill another swish" ... sorry, it seems kinda funny to me.

I turned my daemon poem into an epic... Temptation's Dance

Champagne, you CRACK me UP!

bijou

 

[champagne1982]

Champagne, you CRACK me UP!

bijou

Be careful! You don't want the nymph to discover the Evil Most-High And Vaunted Vizier has a weak spot ...

<< handing you a bathrobe for your exposed rear

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Be careful! You don't want the nymph to discover the Evil Most-High And Vaunted Vizier has a weak spot ...

<< handing you a bathrobe for your exposed rear

We must stop this threadjacking. C'mon over to the mtvm thread and let's discuss my weak spots - of which the nymph is one. I won't even make you use iambic pentameter.

bijou

 

[Eluard]

its my first time posting any poetry, so any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback of any sort would be much appreciated, thanks in advance ; )


A succubus straight from hell
her voice weaving a seductive spell
this dark haired beauty with lustful eyes
caused saints to question their holy ties

She popped into my life and held me sway
and from that point on i would have gladly been her slave
Long dark hair and a pretty face
a body experienced and definitely not chaste

This gorgeous creation of hell
a nymphomaniac who suited my needs so well
eyes of ebony and skin of alabaster
with a cold heart made of plaster

this beautiful creature
was my most favored teacher
with a cruel twist she went to fulfill anothers wish
leaving me shattered and broken with naught but a token

this gorgeous creature so dark and fel
is nothing more than imagination, to myself i tell
deep down in my heart i know one thing is true
even if the woman i knew is not the demon of my dreams
I shall find her someday and learn what lust truly means.



Hope you liked it!

I agree with the other posters here, and don't have much to add. But I did want to say that your love/lust comes through well in the poem and there is also a sincerity to it that is belied by the artificiality of the rhymes that you've chosen.

Like many poets that choose a classical form you are required to use awkward, archaic-sounding grammer to squeeze the thought into the lines with the right length. And yet you also want to use a certain amount of modern vernacular to keep it relevant to your life. The trouble is that these two can rarely ever be made to work successfully. Pretty much everyone who tries this fails to some degree or other. You have failed much less badly than many who try this. And that is a compliment to you.

The first two stanzas are fine, but here is how I personally would tweak them.

A succubus straight from hell
her voice weaving a seductive spell
this dark haired beauty with lustful eyes
caused saints to question their holy ties

She entered my life and held me in sway
from that day on I gladly would have been her slave
Long dark hair and pretty face
a body experienced and definitely not chaste

(I'd like to do something with that last line but can't think of anything minimal.)

This gets rid of 'popped' which was awful in this context.

I think you mean she held you in sway, not sway.

The sixth line was too long, and it is too far from the metre that you've established. I shortened it, but kept the meaning.

The rest of your stanzas all begin with 'This' and you are forced to become very repetitive, without having any ingenuity as to how make the thought more sophisticated. I suspect you need to lose a stanza, to make the rest work.

Anyhow, hopes this helps as a beginning. She sounds like my kind a gal!

 

[faeruun]

Thank you all very much for the feedback i really appreciate it : )

She sounds like my kind a gal!

That was part of my problem, she was everyones kind a gal. lol oh well, live and learn.