"My ex used to..."

[Iwant2havefun]

i really appreciate the LIT threads, and have learned a lot about others and about myself. Thanks to all for your contributions.

i especially like to read about people's personal experiences, and things that are exciting to me, even though i may not have previously tried it. "Pegging", milking, threesomes, wife-swapping, etc.

i notice in many posts, people make references to the amazing sexual activity with their "ex", as in wife, husband, BF or GF. i wonder how many times the kink or activity the poster is asking about was a contributing factor to the split.

So, my question is.....has your ex become your ex because of something that happened in or out of the bedroom, or something you needed so badly you needed to seek it out with someone else?

 

[HampshireBoy]

Interesting question.

With my ex-wife it was more that we had grown apart in so many ways and fallen out of love. She was never as keen on sex as myself and, having fallen out of love, she was even less willing to have sex with me or try things.

At least one ex girlfriend called time on the relationship because I wasn't in to the same things, she wanted to explore water sports and I only felt comfortable going so far. She also fantasised about all sorts of group sex activities and TBH some of those fantasies (involving rape etc) did nothing for me, so when she started talking about trying it for real I was little uncomfortable.

Another relationship I think our sexual incompatibility contributed to the split, but mostly I think other relationships it was reasons outside of the "bedroom".

 

[KatieDoes]

I’ve never ended a relationship for the sole reason of less than stellar sex.


I’ve ended relationships because of character issues such as selfishness or arrogance that also appeared in the bedroom and made for bad sex.

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Nice one, I am looking forward to read the answers of others to expand my view.

I myself can´t really see a connection between relationship endings and the erotic aspects of my life.

I can imagine things like that when one is deeply into a specific kink, or if the sexual side of ones personality paramounts everything (like a long postponed comming out etc.). But as I am a boring hetero only guy with a preference for vanilla stuff and girlfriend sex, the reasons for splitting up (from my side or hers) laid solely on the question of character fit, mutual expectations, different life plans, and stuff like that.

Now I´m married for 20 years and can´t imagine a breakup for erotic reasons, no matter how it works out in bed. I think sexuality is important to install a relationship, but the longer it runs, sexuality becames replaced by other aspects. I am totally okay with this development.

It would be different if I had to choose a new partner today. During the "testing" phase I would be much more picky about the sexual fit than I have been earlier in my life. But I guess this just depends on age and experience and also applies for other aspects.

 

[IrisAlthea]

i really appreciate the LIT threads, and have learned a lot about others and about myself. Thanks to all for your contributions.

i especially like to read about people's personal experiences, and things that are exciting to me, even though i may not have previously tried it. "Pegging", milking, threesomes, wife-swapping, etc.

i notice in many posts, people make references to the amazing sexual activity with their "ex", as in wife, husband, BF or GF. i wonder how many times the kink or activity the poster is asking about was a contributing factor to the split.

So, my question is.....has your ex become your ex because of something that happened in or out of the bedroom, or something you needed so badly you needed to seek it out with someone else?

No, I have never broken up with anyone because of a sexual experiences or wanting for something sexual. Don’t think I’ve been dumped for reasons like that either.
I do however have rosy memories of sex with past partners. The soso everyday memories have kind of faded and the wow-times are still fondly remembered.
I think that is what you are seeing sometimes when people talk about hot experiences with the ex.
In other cases, I think people have an adventureous phase in the last phase of a dying relationship - kind of a last try or just a might-as-well. That might be another part of it.

 

[Iwant2havefun]

Very thoughtful responses here, thank you. i also agree that "character flaws" and other personality-related issues would naturally lead to less-than stellar sexual activity, so one could say the personality conflict is really what lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

i was thinking more "causation," where the activity had a direct impact on the relationship, because that's what happened to me. i was dating a girl for about two months who came home from work early and found me masturbating while wearing a pair of her panties. i had stayed over at her house the night before, and she went to work in the morning while i slept in because i wasn't working until later that night.

When she walked into the bedroom and saw me, she freaked out. i tried to cover up, but it was pretty clear what was going on. She pulled the comforter off the bed and saw me wearing pink boy shorts, with a full erection (that went soft pretty quickly : )

Some might argue it was a "lack of trust" because i went into her underwear drawer without her permission (which is understandable, if i'm being honest.) But she never raised that. She said it "grossed" her out. She questioned my sexuality (which is definitely hetero) and then made some rude comments about my lack of masculinity. It was a bit traumatic, honestly.

i left the house, and it was the last time i saw her in person. i tried calling/texting multiple times, but she ignored me, so that was the end.

i've come to terms with this being her issue (although again, i do understand "violating her privacy" by going into her drawer.) Ultimately i've determined she was very naive, uninformed, and narrow-minded. Had she taken the time to discuss this issue, rather than jumping to conclusions and verbally berating me, we may have been able to explore some things together.

i am definitely better off now, and have grown from the experience. That was about three years ago. but "my kink" was most definitely the cause of her becoming "my ex." (she told me to keep the panties, BTW, and they got quite the workout in the years since "the incident.")

 

[Just2Kinky]

She is my ex because my willingness to go along with just about ANY scenario didn't seem to be a factor in her deciding to go outside of our established boundaries with others. Honesty issues lead to trust issues.

 

[JenniferSimms]

My last bf just got meaner and meaner. Not abusive in a physical way, but cutting and nasty, calling me names when I did something he didn't like. The sex was good so that was probably why we stayed together for as long as we did, but I finally got fed up and said goodbye. I don't think he cared.

 

[HampshireBoy]

Very thoughtful responses here, thank you. i also agree that "character flaws" and other personality-related issues would naturally lead to less-than stellar sexual activity, so one could say the personality conflict is really what lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

i was thinking more "causation," where the activity had a direct impact on the relationship, because that's what happened to me. i was dating a girl for about two months who came home from work early and found me masturbating while wearing a pair of her panties. i had stayed over at her house the night before, and she went to work in the morning while i slept in because i wasn't working until later that night.

When she walked into the bedroom and saw me, she freaked out. i tried to cover up, but it was pretty clear what was going on. She pulled the comforter off the bed and saw me wearing pink boy shorts, with a full erection (that went soft pretty quickly : )

Some might argue it was a "lack of trust" because i went into her underwear drawer without her permission (which is understandable, if i'm being honest.) But she never raised that. She said it "grossed" her out. She questioned my sexuality (which is definitely hetero) and then made some rude comments about my lack of masculinity. It was a bit traumatic, honestly.

i left the house, and it was the last time i saw her in person. i tried calling/texting multiple times, but she ignored me, so that was the end.

i've come to terms with this being her issue (although again, i do understand "violating her privacy" by going into her drawer.) Ultimately i've determined she was very naive, uninformed, and narrow-minded. Had she taken the time to discuss this issue, rather than jumping to conclusions and verbally berating me, we may have been able to explore some things together.

i am definitely better off now, and have grown from the experience. That was about three years ago. but "my kink" was most definitely the cause of her becoming "my ex." (she told me to keep the panties, BTW, and they got quite the workout in the years since "the incident.")

I can see that the experience was traumatic for you both, as you say perhaps she was a bit naive in not knowing that this doesn't mean you are gay or not masculine. I guess there are quite a few of us that keep private some aspects from other other halves, either because we like that prvacy or because we don't think they would approve or would freak.

My frst wife freaked when I bought us his and hers lacy G-strings then a few weeks suggested wearing them. She also used to give me a pair of her worn knickers to take with me when I travelled on business, after at first freaking when she found out that I had taken a pair without asking her. Sometimes it just takes some time for people to get their heads round it.

 

[N2outdoors]

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[Iwant2havefun]

I think my desires to share my wife with other men was definitely a factor in her divorcing me. It was definitely an obsession of mine. I found sex with her to be extremely boring. She made no sound during sex and really just didn’t seem to be into it like I was. Search was very important to me and I thrive on pleasing the women I was with. Her lack of emotion during sex is a large part of why I wanted to see her with others. I always wondered if she would react the same way with other people. Like so many men, it was the thought of seeing her William very well hung man that intrigued me the most. In her eyes, I couldn’t love her if I wanted her to have sex with other men. We never had any disagreements about this being a fantasy. And she never really expressed her dislike of this fantasy until she told me she wanted a divorce. However, I found out very quickly but she was having an affair with a coworker. I really don’t know how much My fantasies impacted her decision. I think it was just much easier for her to put the fall on me then to acknowledge her own responsibility. However, I do believe that my fantasy did play a role in our decision to have an affair.

Thank you for being so honest. I imagine this was an incredibly difficult period for you, especially after finding she was involved with a co-worker. Knowing that being completely honest with her....discussing sharing her with others...and knowing that what you thought would bring you closer together may have actually driven you apart....must be a burden.

It's pretty amazing to me, and the reason I started the thread. If you truly love someone, shouldn't you be able to share your most intimate thoughts and desires, without fear of retribution or denial? I KNOW I've been with women I know would never understand, appreciate, or entertain my "kinks". Is that a reason to immediately break-up, or do you give it time to digest and acclimate?

i have a woman in my life know that i'm in love with, and I THINK she'd be receptive to some of my kinks, but i'm fearful of raising it because it seems the stakes are too high. We have an amazing relationship right now, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. And i'm actually conflicted about that, because I sound like a hypocrite. "shouldn't someone you're in love with appreciate who you are?"

I think I'll play it day by day, look for the opportunity to introduce some of my interests, and hope for the best. Life is interesting, and we need to open and explore. Thanks to all for your candor...it's really helpful and inspiring.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Thank you for being so honest. I imagine this was an incredibly difficult period for you, especially after finding she was involved with a co-worker. Knowing that being completely honest with her....discussing sharing her with others...and knowing that what you thought would bring you closer together may have actually driven you apart....must be a burden.

It's pretty amazing to me, and the reason I started the thread. If you truly love someone, shouldn't you be able to share your most intimate thoughts and desires, without fear of retribution or denial? I KNOW I've been with women I know would never understand, appreciate, or entertain my "kinks". Is that a reason to immediately break-up, or do you give it time to digest and acclimate?

i have a woman in my life know that i'm in love with, and I THINK she'd be receptive to some of my kinks, but i'm fearful of raising it because it seems the stakes are too high. We have an amazing relationship right now, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. And i'm actually conflicted about that, because I sound like a hypocrite. "shouldn't someone you're in love with appreciate who you are?"

I think I'll play it day by day, look for the opportunity to introduce some of my interests, and hope for the best. Life is interesting, and we need to open and explore. Thanks to all for your candor...it's really helpful and inspiring.

I think it’s better to talk about your kinks early on in the relationship. I know so many people who are in unhappy because they are afraid of what their partner would say if the brought up their kinks.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I think it’s better to talk about your kinks early on in the relationship. I know so many people who are in unhappy because they are afraid of what their partner would say if the brought up their kinks.

I think that is a fair point, though in a long relationship people may not even be aware of their kink themselves at the start. As we learn more about ourselves and experience life new ideas and desires can form.

When I met my first wife we were both in our early twenties and in many ways quite naive.

 

[EdwardsOtherSide]

My ex struggled with her taste for kink (rope bunny, anal, submissive) and reconciling her appetite with her self-image during the day.
She had a job that placed her in a position of authority over a lot of very macho men, and problems with her misogynistic bosses created a conflict of what turned her on, and how she "had to be" during the day.

She also had issues with feeling some sort of weird moral guilt over any pleasure (even very vanilla sex).

But she had grown up in a family of passive-aggressive, manipulative substance abusers.

 

[wicked woman]

i have a woman in my life know that i'm in love with, and I THINK she'd be receptive to some of my kinks, but i'm fearful of raising it because it seems the stakes are too high. We have an amazing relationship right now, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. And i'm actually conflicted about that, because I sound like a hypocrite. "shouldn't someone you're in love with appreciate who you are?"

Since you already know that everyone won't be receptive to your kink, it might help you have a successful relationship to disclose your kink to romantic potentials before either of you get overly emotionally involved. I know that I'd be pissed if you waited until I was in love with you to broach the topic.

As for your original question. Generally no. The most adventurous, kinky relationship I had was the best sexually. We broke up for non-sexual reasons. I did, however, have a relationship end because the sex was really poor and then eventually non-existent. I knew it was poor before we moved in together. Even asked myself if that was a hard limit for me. I decided that it wasn't a hard limit. I was wrong. It permeated every part of our relationship.

 

[Erosfan]

I think it’s better to talk about your kinks early on in the relationship. I know so many people who are in unhappy because they are afraid of what their partner would say if the brought up their kinks.

Very good point.
My late wife (not an ex) and I got together late in our lives. Being mature and in love, we were able to talk about and do most anything we dreamed up.
She told me she didn't have any fantasies. I, on the other hand, have plenty. We discussed all of my fantasies and she was keen to listen and discuss them with me.
She made some of my fantasies become realities. These times were much better than my fantasies and such a thrill.

She, teasingly called me her slut. In all our talks she learned I would do anything she wanted, any time, anywhere. I have exhibitionist tendencies.
She used my fantasies and our talks to push me to my limits. She was always in control and new just when to pull back before we got in trouble. She was an amazing woman and we had a lot of fun in our too short time together.

 

[HampshireBoy]

The most adventurous, kinky relationship I had was the best sexually. We broke up for non-sexual reasons.

Like you, the "best" and most adventurous relationship I ever had broke up for non-sexual reasons. Because we trusted each other I don't think that there was anything that couldn't be raised, even though there might be things that one of us were not willing to try or comfortable with. The "problem" was that though we liked each other and got on well, neither of us was in love and to be perfectly honest after a few days together I think we both wanted to go and do something else. Perhaps, in the end, sex was all we had?

So, in this case, I have very happy memories of things we did and might even fantasise about doing them again or trying different things with that lady but in reality I am far happier and in love with my wife. The slight issue is that my wife is more vanilla and has lost a bit of interest in sex post menopause and that is perhaps why I sometmes fantasise. But I have no intention to re-start things with this lady or look for an alternative, fantasy is enough, because in every other aspect my life with my wife is wonderful.

 

[Just2Kinky]

i really appreciate the LIT threads, and have learned a lot about others and about myself. Thanks to all for your contributions.

i especially like to read about people's personal experiences, and things that are exciting to me, even though i may not have previously tried it. "Pegging", milking, threesomes, wife-swapping, etc.

i notice in many posts, people make references to the amazing sexual activity with their "ex", as in wife, husband, BF or GF. i wonder how many times the kink or activity the poster is asking about was a contributing factor to the split.

So, my question is.....has your ex become your ex because of something that happened in or out of the bedroom, or something you needed so badly you needed to seek it out with someone else?

In my case, she is my ex because in spite of having a very adventurous sex life that included very liberal doses of whatever we both agreed to, including other partners together and separate, the BIG deal was our agreement that both partners needed to agree to ANY extra marital play.... eventually, she stopped honoring that.

 

[N2outdoors]

I think it’s better to talk about your kinks early on in the relationship. I know so many people who are in unhappy because they are afraid of what their partner would say if the brought up their kinks.

Delete

 

[TheWhiteBull]

I have been with my wife since I was 17 and she was my first. I did cheat on her twice, but I wouldn’t count them as exes. They were extremely short lived affairs that just ran their natural courses. Our marriage is generally strong now, the cheating happened much earlier in the marriage when I was young and dumb.

That being said, sexuality has almost been a cause of us ending things several times, mostly from my end. My wife is much more vanilla than me and it has been difficult for me to grow within a restrictive sex life. It has gotten a little better over the years, particularly when she came off of birth control and her sex drive ramped up. But it’s still just crumbs compared to the variety of experiences I desire. I’ve almost ended things at several points and while there were other, large issues at play the sexual differences certainly up there with them on my end.

 

[AloneTooLong]

break-up

Husband #1 had an 'emotional' affair with a co-worker and then wanted for us to 'swap' with the couple. That might have worked if I was at all attracted to her husband (I wasn't). I then went on to have an affair of my own. We divorced. He married again, a co-worker but not the one he was having the 'emotional' affair with.

I married again (husband #2) who was great in bed, but psychologically abusive; nine years later I finally divorced him.

Deciding I was terrible at selecting a husband I 'played the field' for a couple of year and then met the 10 yrs younger guy I married. 29 years later he died of cancer-he was good in bed, but pretty much vanilla but great at keeping me happy - I miss him.

Had about a 5 yr relationship with a (recently) divorced guy but later on his ex-wife decided she wanted him back (for financial reasons) so I ended that (and he really wasn't that great of a lover).

Thus I am single, unattached, and a 'senior' citizen with limited options at this point in my life; I suspect sex of any kind will never happen again.

 

[Lady2020]

I had an ex who used to go down to the basement to make a fucking machine. Didn't bother me. Thought it was more interesting than anything else. As far as I know he never got to the point where he actually tried it out on anyone.

It's been my experience that relationships end because there isn't enough sex, that my exes couldn't come out and say I'm mad at you, here's why, and there will be no sex until you do what I want. No, I was left floundering around trying to figure out what in the hell happened.

 

[RoperTrace]

. .

 

[Erosfan]

This is a wonderful story in my opinion. I'm glad you got to experience the time with your late wife.

Thank you.
We had an amazing run and I have many memories to carry with me.

 

[Roughscrewu]

My ex used to like to suck my Cock while I was driving.