My FF fantasy guilt is getting worse

[HungUpGirl]

I'm intrigued about the different emotional aspect you speak of, since I get such good emotional fulfillment from my relationship with hubby. We have a wonderful shared intimacy; otherwise I'd never been able to talk to him about all this.

At this point, I'm thinking more about the sex than having a full relationship with another female. But now I wonder if I could get past my guilt and found a true girl friend, might I end up compromising my relationship with hubby?

 

[SweetErika]

I'm intrigued about the different emotional aspect you speak of, since I get such good emotional fulfillment from my relationship with hubby. We have a wonderful shared intimacy; otherwise I'd never been able to talk to him about all this.

At this point, I'm thinking more about the sex than having a full relationship with another female. But now I wonder if I could get past my guilt and found a true girl friend, might I end up compromising my relationship with hubby?

That's what surprised me so much...I was and still am perfectly fufilled by my husband. We are so close, we've been through so much, we share absolutely everything. No relationship could ever hold a candle to what we have. Yet I think people have different roles in our lives...for example, some of your friends give you extra support and affection, right? Getting that from them doesn't mean your marriage is any less strong, you're replacing your husband, or you're less intimate. It's simply an extra. Sex might be an extra too, or it might fulfill a piece that your husband simply can't...that doesn't mean he's lacking in any way or your relationship's in trouble.

Could having another relationship compromise your marriage? Absolutely. However, if there's constant communication, everyone's on the same page, and you look at it as a supplement to an already great life, it can work. We're really blessed to have wonderful, supportive husbands and strong relationships, HungUpGirl. That's a good foundation to build on.

 

[Quint]

Directly from the PM, so, as you say, others might benefit too.

I came to terms with my bisexuality when I realized that my attraction to men versus my attraction to women manifested in different forms. I was and am attracted to strength in men, beauty in women. When I'm lustful and needing to feel possessed, I always fantasize about a man. But when I need to feel nurtured, cuddled, babied, my thoughts tend to conjure up a woman. Yours sounds much the opposite; I won't try to psychoanalyze that for you, but I suspect it's because you find your nurturing need met in your husband and the father of your children, whereas women represent more of an unknown, dangerous, primal sexuality.

What I'm trying to get at is that different needs are met in different ways. Just because you've eaten steak all your life, there is no reason to feel "I want something sweet, but I shouldn't eat a peach, I should eat steak." People are people. It's what you want from them and what you find in them that matters.

From one intellectual to another--I hope you find your peace. I find mine often comes when I stop thinking so damn much.

 

[assister49]

That's what surprised me so much...I was and still am perfectly fufilled by my husband. We are so close, we've been through so much, we share absolutely everything. No relationship could ever hold a candle to what we have. Yet I think people have different roles in our lives...for example, some of your friends give you extra support and affection, right? Getting that from them doesn't mean your marriage is any less strong, you're replacing your husband, or you're less intimate. It's simply an extra. Sex might be an extra too, or it might fulfill a piece that your husband simply can't...that doesn't mean he's lacking in any way or your relationship's in trouble.

Could having another relationship compromise your marriage? Absolutely. However, if there's constant communication, everyone's on the same page, and you look at it as a supplement to an already great life, it can work. We're really blessed to have wonderful, supportive husbands and strong relationships, HungUpGirl. That's a good foundation to build on.

This is such wonderful wisdom, Erika – I have a strong relationship with my husband too, and would not want to ever do anything to lose the intimacy and connection with him. I have a male friend who I have grown close to. I have fantasies of sex with my friend, of which I shared with my husband. My husband is very open to this, telling me that love is exponentially grown by sharing it with many – and that I can love many yet not take away from the love that he and I share. My husband knows my friend and encourages me, yet somehow I can not get past the guilt or feeling that it would be wrong of me to have sex with another – although I don’t have such trouble with continuing an intimate, platonic relationship with him.

This is something we have been working on, and I don’t know what will come of all this. As someone mentioned earlier, I also have the trouble of thinking that if I go out and have sex with someone outside our marriage, then I must give permission to my husband to do so also. This is very hard for me to resolve. Some times I feel like I have put forth a double standard where I can have the freedom, but my husband can’t. My belief up to now has been that a monogamous relationship is required in a marriage. While academically I can understand all these arguments, emotionally I have trouble changing what is ingrained in my core.

Great discussion – I think is it equally applicable to same and opposite sex relationships.
Thanks.

 

[SweetErika]

This is such wonderful wisdom, Erika – I have a strong relationship with my husband too, and would not want to ever do anything to lose the intimacy and connection with him. I have a male friend who I have grown close to. I have fantasies of sex with my friend, of which I shared with my husband. My husband is very open to this, telling me that love is exponentially grown by sharing it with many – and that I can love many yet not take away from the love that he and I share. My husband knows my friend and encourages me, yet somehow I can not get past the guilt or feeling that it would be wrong of me to have sex with another – although I don’t have such trouble with continuing an intimate, platonic relationship with him.

This is something we have been working on, and I don’t know what will come of all this. As someone mentioned earlier, I also have the trouble of thinking that if I go out and have sex with someone outside our marriage, then I must give permission to my husband to do so also. This is very hard for me to resolve. Some times I feel like I have put forth a double standard where I can have the freedom, but my husband can’t. My belief up to now has been that a monogamous relationship is required in a marriage. While academically I can understand all these arguments, emotionally I have trouble changing what is ingrained in my core.

Great discussion – I think is it equally applicable to same and opposite sex relationships.
Thanks.

I was getting ready to say it's not the same at all, but you're absolutely right in saying it's equally applicable. For us, and I'm sure a lot of other couples, same sex non-monogamy is easier and less threatening to deal with (deep down my husband believes no penis=no threat). I really admire couples that challenge traditional beliefs in a healthy way though, and I wish you the best of luck in doing so!

 

[HungUpGirl]

I'm really just a long time lurker, but when I got the courage to post a thread I found you all to be great help. Thank you all, especially to those who corresponded with me via PMs.

Almost every thread I've followed about someone's personal situation seemed to die out without any resolution being revealed. I can understand that many situations are stalemates so there is no "news", except that there is "no news"... But in my case, things have changed and I want to reward you helpful people by telling you the next chapter of my story.

I've looked at lots of psychological materials in the last months, including several good references given to me right here. I've done a lot of research and am talking with a counselor. One "revelation" I've had after looking at things concerns an incident in my past I'd almost forgotten.

Maybe a year before my folks broke up, a woman came to live with us as a housekeeper/nanny. Eventually my father started an affair with the women, and they took up together with my mother's knowledge and encouragement.

While it seemed a good solution to the three of them for transitioning from the marriage, I was greatly upset. I finally confronted my parents, telling them that it should stop. Shortly after that, my father and the woman moved out. And that directly added to guilt and responsibility I felt for causing my parent's breakup.

You can see another connection, I hope. Mother, Father, and the woman all agreed together for Father and the woman to enter a sexual relationship. There wasn't any "cheating" or "sneaking around", unless you count their trying to be discrete in front of us kids; they had permission, even the understanding that Father's allegiance would eventually transfer to the woman. And since the affair directly preceded my father leaving, I understand why even the idea of a "non-cheating" extramarital relationship really scares me.

So, what will happen next? I can't say. But I'm further along the road dealing with my issues and closer (I hope) to being able to explore with a woman. Thank you all again for the kindness you have shown me.

PS: I'm fascinated by a theory about how we choose our mates so that we can revisit childhood issues, and the problems we have dealing with these mates when we find that we can't vicariously fix our childhood problems through them. PM me if you'd like details.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm really just a long time lurker, but when I got the courage to post a thread I found you all to be great help. Thank you all, especially to those who corresponded with me via PMs.

Almost every thread I've followed about someone's personal situation seemed to die out without any resolution being revealed. I can understand that many situations are stalemates so there is no "news", except that there is "no news"... But in my case, things have changed and I want to reward you helpful people by telling you the next chapter of my story.

I've looked at lots of psychological materials in the last months, including several good references given to me right here. I've done a lot of research and am talking with a counselor. One "revelation" I've had after looking at things concerns an incident in my past I'd almost forgotten.

Maybe a year before my folks broke up, a woman came to live with us as a housekeeper/nanny. Eventually my father started an affair with the women, and they took up together with my mother's knowledge and encouragement.

While it seemed a good solution to the three of them for transitioning from the marriage, I was greatly upset. I finally confronted my parents, telling them that it should stop. Shortly after that, my father and the woman moved out. And that directly added to guilt and responsibility I felt for causing my parent's breakup.

You can see another connection, I hope. Mother, Father, and the woman all agreed together for Father and the woman to enter a sexual relationship. There wasn't any "cheating" or "sneaking around", unless you count their trying to be discrete in front of us kids; they had permission, even the understanding that Father's allegiance would eventually transfer to the woman. And since the affair directly preceded my father leaving, I understand why even the idea of a "non-cheating" extramarital relationship really scares me.

So, what will happen next? I can't say. But I'm further along the road dealing with my issues and closer (I hope) to being able to explore with a woman. Thank you all again for the kindness you have shown me.

PS: I'm fascinated by a theory about how we choose our mates so that we can revisit childhood issues, and the problems we have dealing with these mates when we find that we can't vicariously fix our childhood problems through them. PM me if you'd like details.

Good for you! Thank you for the update, and I'm glad to hear you've figured so much out and hopefully you're more at peace with your past, present, and future.