My first story just got published, I would love some feedback!

[PennyThompson]

Hello everyone! I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer! I would love to get some feedback on my first-ever erotic story.

Penny's Physical Exam
A college first-year with unique anatomy goes to the doctor for a check-up, leading to a sexy encounter and a unique job opportunity.

My goal is to write a collection of short connected stories that are sexy and silly and not entirely realistic, and that play with futanari fantasy content while hopefully avoiding some of the more problematic tropes of the genre that I'm not a big fan of. I'm already working on some more stories with these characters, and I think my style is improving, but I could use some outside perspectives!

I would especially appreciate feedback on length and pacing, characterization and dialog, style and descriptions.

 

[Poetdontknowit]

That was a great story! That kind of subject matter isn't my typical read, but, it was very arousing. Great work!

 

[PennyThompson]

That kind of subject matter isn't my typical read, but, it was very arousing.

You know, that's a pretty nice compliment, thank you!

 

[Poetdontknowit]

Most welcome. Keep it up. I look forward to reading more. Erotica is all about descriptions, situations, visuals, that conjure up an image in the mind. Your descriptions were perfect. And perfect descriptions in erotica... welp... arousal for the reader. I applaud your efforts.

 

[PennyThompson]

Just a quick bump, because my second story is also now published! I was inspired and immediately started writing it as soon as I had finished my first, and it was published surprisingly quickly.

Penny's First Client
A college first-year begins her internship with a sex therapist, and uses her generous gifts to help an older woman achieve her first orgasm.

I would love to get feedback, including suggestions or ideas for improvement!

 

[Nightscream89]

I really like the story, normally Futa isn't really my cup of tea, but I am intrigued by your story. Very well written.

Makes me wonder how her school life will be... And if she will get a roommate in her dormroom.
Because with her pheromones, sharing a room with another girl...

 

[verseandworse2]

Hello everyone! I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer! I would love to get some feedback on my first-ever erotic story.

Penny's Physical Exam
A college first-year with unique anatomy goes to the doctor for a check-up, leading to a sexy encounter and a unique job opportunity.

My goal is to write a collection of short connected stories that are sexy and silly and not entirely realistic, and that play with futanari fantasy content while hopefully avoiding some of the more problematic tropes of the genre that I'm not a big fan of. I'm already working on some more stories with these characters, and I think my style is improving, but I could use some outside perspectives!

This was very well done. 'Dickgirls' are not a subject I'm somewhat repelled by, but you very successfully subverted the usual cliche of the super confident dickgirl going around, almost attacking and raping women. Penny is an extremely believable character, uncomfortable with her sexual situation, not at all revelling in it. Even her gyno carried credibility. It all happened so naturally. Also the detailed descriptions of the clinic, with its seedy, rundown air, barely getting any business, was very impressive. As for the characters, one could visualize each of them clearly. Great start! I'm going to repeat this as a comment at the end of your story too.

 

[GeTee]

This isn't a story I would have normally read, I don't really get turned on by futanari or mature themes and that plays a big part into someone liking the story, whether it is there thing or not.

That said, it was well written and edited. The story was well thought out, didn't feel incredibly rushed or forced, felt plausibly real (for the genre), and you used the right amount of description.

Sometimes a story has too much description to where it is burdensome to the reader and makes it hard to stay engaged and sometimes a story has too little description where I have no idea what the characters look like other than everyone has huge boobs, butts, and penises. Your story had the right amount where it wasn't too much, but it had enough to where I could visualize the scenery, characters, and acts that you were describing.

Overall, well done, I think people who enjoy these genres would enjoy your story!

I do have one of the smallest nitpicks, and it is incredibly small. But, most doctor's offices have stopped using latex gloves due to allergies and use nitrile now. The only reason I say this is because my wife goes into anaphylactic shock from latex and so this stood out to me. This probably wouldn't affect a single other reader.

 

[PennyThompson]

This isn't a story I would have normally read, I don't really get turned on by futanari or mature themes and that plays a big part into someone liking the story, whether it is there thing or not.

That said, it was well written and edited. The story was well thought out, didn't feel incredibly rushed or forced, felt plausibly real (for the genre), and you used the right amount of description.

Sometimes a story has too much description to where it is burdensome to the reader and makes it hard to stay engaged and sometimes a story has too little description where I have no idea what the characters look like other than everyone has huge boobs, butts, and penises. Your story had the right amount where it wasn't too much, but it had enough to where I could visualize the scenery, characters, and acts that you were describing.

Overall, well done, I think people who enjoy these genres would enjoy your story!

I do have one of the smallest nitpicks, and it is incredibly small. But, most doctor's offices have stopped using latex gloves due to allergies and use nitrile now. The only reason I say this is because my wife goes into anaphylactic shock from latex and so this stood out to me. This probably wouldn't affect a single other reader.

That is extremely helpful, thank you! I love getting comments from people who aren't genre fans, because their perspective tends to be more objective.

What a great catch on the latex thing, I actually really appreciate that kind of detail! I've been trying to do more research into those little specific elements of things I'm not personally an expert in, so this is helpful. Eventually I may go back and do a revision to my first couple of stories, that will definitely be one of the updates!

 

[Mike130]

I just finished reading the first and second stories and I thought it was some of the most imaginative and erotic writing I’ve ever read. I’m a straight male, but bi-curious and get really turned on by looking at some of the beautiful trans women that appear on some of the threads. I’m not sexually attracted to men, but a cock in itself seems very sensuous. So Feminine trans beauties with large cocks are very appealing. A futanari takes that to another level.

So the Penny stories are extremely erotic to me. Curious to know what prompted you to pursue this genre (I’m definitely not complaining).

The only issue I have, and it’s because you are a talented writer and I’m drawn in by the story: When is Penny going to fuck and actually cum inside the ethically challenged Dr Grace?

The sexual tension is killing me!

 

[eyerhymes]

In terms of style I noticed three main things:

1. Repetition and redundancy. I pulled a few examples but it's something to keep an eye on in general:

The receptionist led Penny down the hallway. The door to the left had a placard reading "Therapy," the door to the right had a placard reading "Exam."

The receptionist opened the door to the exam room and motioned Penny to enter.

It was a fairly standard examination room.

A big metal exam table took up most of the room.

"The door to the left had a placard reading...the door to the right had a placard reading" is probably always going to be too repetitive unless we're going for a specific effect that just went over my head.

This (or lots of other reformulations) would be more jaunty for that line alone:

The door to the left had a placard reading "Therapy," the right, "Exam."

But actually it's bigger than that because we hint or directly point out that it's an exam room three times (and more later actually).

Something like this gives all the same information without repeating yourself, and with the added benefit of forcing the reader to orient a few things on their own, which leads to a more engaging experience:

The receptionist led Penny down the hallway. The door to the left had a placard reading "Therapy."

She opened the door to the right and motioned Penny to enter.

A big metal exam table took up most of the room.

We can infer from the exam table that it's an exam room without explicitly stating it.

Here, we have dialogue and then immediately explain it, which feels unnecessary:

"Here's a hospital gown for you to wear." She pointed to a blue cloth gown folded neatly on the examination table.

Instead, for example:

"Here you go," she pointed to a blue cloth hospital gown folded neatly on the table.

We use the exact line "mop of frizzy red curls" twice, and if that's not enough, explicitly refer to her red hair at least a dozen more times. Ditto for "perky breasts." The second time is so unlikely to add anything. If you establish that a character's hair is red, you can just say "hair" in the future and the reader will not expect it to have changed colors.

In general we can probably solve the need to description dump about characters up front, as well as the need to make later scenes more descriptive by just saving up all those little traits from the initial description and then doling them out only when they become necessary.

Which connects to:

2. Trust the reader:

"You need to chill out, Nine!" Penny hissed at her cock. She had given it the nickname when she started watching porn as a teenager, and realized that she was bigger than most male porn stars"

The line right before this described Penny getting hard. The readers will be able to infer where "You need to chill out, Nine" was directed. They will be very likely to get the joke without further explanation. Even if they are confused, they'll definitely figure it out when we get to the explicit bits and once again describe how big she is, even that she has measured herself to be nine inches.

At a certain point we're just dragging the reader along by the hand. It's more fun to let people figure some things out on their own.

3. Tonal Inconsistency:

The piece is obviously lighthearted and fun--I thought we set that up perfectly with the Chappell Roan lyrics at the start--we reach a point of utter slapstick with characters running across hallways naked, spraying semen on unsuspecting intruders, might as well lean into that all the way. Rather than subtle nods to insecurity, have her barricade herself in bathroom and refuse to be seen. Rather than the doc quibbling about professionalism, have her proposition Penny right off the bat. Have penny put her on blast for being such a horndog. (I don't mean literally do these exact things, obviously make the characters that you want to make, but in terms of the tone and the absurdity of this scene, you could turn their personalities up to 11)

The characters were all trying to "act normal" in a scene that could hardly be interpreted that way by anyone.

Slightly connected to that, there were some story elements that stuck out to me, in particular ordering:

Felt like all of the characters lacked agency. Penny just stammering through the procedure, the Doc just couldn't help herself but to make Penny come and then to masturbate in front of her.

We have this subplot about the Doc's intimacy problems, but it isn't broached until after she's already "solved" it. This might have actually informed some of the character's behavior and given motivation and a goal and an obstacle to the scene if it had been established and supported beforehand.

Some particular things that I really enjoyed:

Shifting the earphone off to Eaves-drop was so relatable.

Loved the specificity of this dialogue:

The doctor leaned in. "There are a whole spectrum of intersex variations, and they present in different ways developmentally. Chromosomal differences, sensitivity or insensitivity to different hormones, chimerism, mosaicism... it seems you were tested for known variations as a child, and none were confirmed. So, what is the presentation of your genitals?"

In general the dialogue with the doctor felt really natural and well crafted. Clearly a lot of thought went into how to approach that scene.

The writing itself flowed really well start to finish. It was breezy and fun to read through. I think the absurdity overall was a blast.

I know this is way more critical than cheerleading, that's not because I think the story is bad by any means, I just lean towards critical editing. I do mean it all to be geniune and well-intentioned. Obviously trust yourself and your own taste, and best of luck in your continued writing!

 

[Lucien_Al]

Hello everyone! I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer! I would love to get some feedback on my first-ever erotic story.

Penny's Physical Exam
A college first-year with unique anatomy goes to the doctor for a check-up, leading to a sexy encounter and a unique job opportunity.

My goal is to write a collection of short connected stories that are sexy and silly and not entirely realistic, and that play with futanari fantasy content while hopefully avoiding some of the more problematic tropes of the genre that I'm not a big fan of. I'm already working on some more stories with these characters, and I think my style is improving, but I could use some outside perspectives!

I would especially appreciate feedback on length and pacing, characterization and dialog, style and descriptions.

Absolutely loved it. Cant wait to read the next one.

 

[PennyThompson]

In terms of style I noticed three main things:

1. Repetition and redundancy. I pulled a few examples but it's something to keep an eye on in general:



"The door to the left had a placard reading...the door to the right had a placard reading" is probably always going to be too repetitive unless we're going for a specific effect that just went over my head.

This (or lots of other reformulations) would be more jaunty for that line alone:



But actually it's bigger than that because we hint or directly point out that it's an exam room three times (and more later actually).

Something like this gives all the same information without repeating yourself, and with the added benefit of forcing the reader to orient a few things on their own, which leads to a more engaging experience:



We can infer from the exam table that it's an exam room without explicitly stating it.

Here, we have dialogue and then immediately explain it, which feels unnecessary:



Instead, for example:



We use the exact line "mop of frizzy red curls" twice, and if that's not enough, explicitly refer to her red hair at least a dozen more times. Ditto for "perky breasts." The second time is so unlikely to add anything. If you establish that a character's hair is red, you can just say "hair" in the future and the reader will not expect it to have changed colors.

In general we can probably solve the need to description dump about characters up front, as well as the need to make later scenes more descriptive by just saving up all those little traits from the initial description and then doling them out only when they become necessary.

Which connects to:

2. Trust the reader:



The line right before this described Penny getting hard. The readers will be able to infer where "You need to chill out, Nine" was directed. They will be very likely to get the joke without further explanation. Even if they are confused, they'll definitely figure it out when we get to the explicit bits and once again describe how big she is, even that she has measured herself to be nine inches.

At a certain point we're just dragging the reader along by the hand. It's more fun to let people figure some things out on their own.

3. Tonal Inconsistency:

The piece is obviously lighthearted and fun--I thought we set that up perfectly with the Chappell Roan lyrics at the start--we reach a point of utter slapstick with characters running across hallways naked, spraying semen on unsuspecting intruders, might as well lean into that all the way. Rather than subtle nods to insecurity, have her barricade herself in bathroom and refuse to be seen. Rather than the doc quibbling about professionalism, have her proposition Penny right off the bat. Have penny put her on blast for being such a horndog. (I don't mean literally do these exact things, obviously make the characters that you want to make, but in terms of the tone and the absurdity of this scene, you could turn their personalities up to 11)

The characters were all trying to "act normal" in a scene that could hardly be interpreted that way by anyone.

Slightly connected to that, there were some story elements that stuck out to me, in particular ordering:

Felt like all of the characters lacked agency. Penny just stammering through the procedure, the Doc just couldn't help herself but to make Penny come and then to masturbate in front of her.

We have this subplot about the Doc's intimacy problems, but it isn't broached until after she's already "solved" it. This might have actually informed some of the character's behavior and given motivation and a goal and an obstacle to the scene if it had been established and supported beforehand.

Some particular things that I really enjoyed:

Shifting the earphone off to Eaves-drop was so relatable.

Loved the specificity of this dialogue:



In general the dialogue with the doctor felt really natural and well crafted. Clearly a lot of thought went into how to approach that scene.

The writing itself flowed really well start to finish. It was breezy and fun to read through. I think the absurdity overall was a blast.

I know this is way more critical than cheerleading, that's not because I think the story is bad by any means, I just lean towards critical editing. I do mean it all to be geniune and well-intentioned. Obviously trust yourself and your own taste, and best of luck in your continued writing!

This is good stuff, and I accept every one of those points

I definitely have a tendency to latch onto a word or phrase and then find myself re-using it, something to work on!

I really like your point about trusting the reader, it feels so hard to strike the right balance, but I need to push myself on that more!

And fair criticism about the lack of agency in this first one, it started more with the scenario and less with the character's natural reactions, I think that's something I've improved on in the following stories!

Thanks for the constructive criticism, this is extremely helpful!

 

[PennyThompson]

I just finished reading the first and second stories and I thought it was some of the most imaginative and erotic writing I’ve ever read. I’m a straight male, but bi-curious and get really turned on by looking at some of the beautiful trans women that appear on some of the threads. I’m not sexually attracted to men, but a cock in itself seems very sensuous. So Feminine trans beauties with large cocks are very appealing. A futanari takes that to another level.

So the Penny stories are extremely erotic to me. Curious to know what prompted you to pursue this genre (I’m definitely not complaining).

The only issue I have, and it’s because you are a talented writer and I’m drawn in by the story: When is Penny going to fuck and actually cum inside the ethically challenged Dr Grace?

The sexual tension is killing me!

You might be interested to know that Chapter Three is now published

 

[Bigbobnc]

You might be interested to know that Chapter Three is now published

That is amazing, it’s very authentic and believable

 

[TheWritingGroup]

We use the exact line "mop of frizzy red curls" twice, and if that's not enough, explicitly refer to her red hair at least a dozen more times. Ditto for "perky breasts." The second time is so unlikely to add anything. If you establish that a character's hair is red, you can just say "hair" in the future and the reader will not expect it to have changed colors.

One trick you could use, if you wanted to reinforce the red hair bit after a long (multi-page) pause, would be to have another character see the redhead and recognize who it is. "I saw a red mop bouncing up and down in his lap, and knew it was Penny that was blowing him." (I know you aren't doing third person, but that's what occurred to me.)

-Rocco

 

[Mike130]

You might be interested to know that Chapter Three is now published

Just read it, wow! Penny is such a versatile character and although I’ve never really thought about it, would be the ultimate sexual fantasy partner. I can’t wait to see where this goes! I’m still hoping though that the good (bad) doctor gets a proper fucking. Of course the roommate seems to be in need of some cock also. So many directions this can go…
As always, very well written.

 

[PennyThompson]

Just read it, wow! Penny is such a versatile character and although I’ve never really thought about it, would be the ultimate sexual fantasy partner. I can’t wait to see where this goes! I’m still hoping though that the good (bad) doctor gets a proper fucking. Of course the roommate seems to be in need of some cock also. So many directions this can go…
As always, very well written.

Yes, my problem is that I have too many notes of potential stories and scenes with Penny and friends! But I don't want to just make an endless "girl of the week" parade without any character development, so I'm trying my best to pace things out!

The challenge I've set for myself is to try and write episodic stories that are short, partly self-contained, and enjoyable as bite-sized snacks, but to still propel an emotionally satisfying story arc over time.

It's something that some of my favorite TV series manage to do, but jeeze it's not easy, haha!

 

[Nightscream89]

Yes, my problem is that I have too many notes of potential stories and scenes with Penny and friends! But I don't want to just make an endless "girl of the week" parade without any character development, so I'm trying my best to pace things out!

The challenge I've set for myself is to try and write episodic stories that are short, partly self-contained, and enjoyable as bite-sized snacks, but to still propel an emotionally satisfying story arc over time.

It's something that some of my favorite TV series manage to do, but jeeze it's not easy, haha!

I don't know if this helps but I have a document where I've listed characters with short descriptions. When I need a character or whatever in my series, I check if any one of them fits what I need. If in the story I add details to the character, I will note them down in the document as well.
If none of the characters fit, I will create a new one and add that character to the document.

This way I can easily have characters return instead of writing a new character for every little thing. It also helps me to change "A random girl standing by the door." to "Lisa is standing by the door."
For me this helps with creating the world and to show that the characters are real and aren't just there whenever the MC has sex with them if that makes sense?

My document atm has 23 characters (7 men, 16 women), still not used all of them though. (I used 14 so far I think and introducing 3 more in the chapter I'm writing atm.)

Another example, let's say you have a chapter and theres a party, it could help to look at the list and think "Who would be at the party?" then briefly mention them or use them as the focus point of the chapter. My own personal rule is, "Don't create a new character if the storyline fits an already existing one."

 

[PennyThompson]

I don't know if this helps but I have a document where I've listed characters with short descriptions. When I need a character or whatever in my series, I check if any one of them fits what I need. If in the story I add details to the character, I will note them down in the document as well.
If none of the characters fit, I will create a new one and add that character to the document.

This way I can easily have characters return instead of writing a new character for every little thing. It also helps me to change "A random girl standing by the door." to "Lisa is standing by the door."
For me this helps with creating the world and to show that the characters are real and aren't just there whenever the MC has sex with them if that makes sense?

My document atm has 23 characters (7 men, 16 women), still not used all of them though. (I used 14 so far I think and introducing 3 more in the chapter I'm writing atm.)

Another example, let's say you have a chapter and theres a party, it could help to look at the list and think "Who would be at the party?" then briefly mention them or use them as the focus point of the chapter. My own personal rule is, "Don't create a new character if the storyline fits an already existing one."

Now that's a good idea! I need to get organized, my google drive is just a wreck of notes and half-written chapters

 

[Mike130]

Yes, my problem is that I have too many notes of potential stories and scenes with Penny and friends! But I don't want to just make an endless "girl of the week" parade without any character development, so I'm trying my best to pace things out!

The challenge I've set for myself is to try and write episodic stories that are short, partly self-contained, and enjoyable as bite-sized snacks, but to still propel an emotionally satisfying story arc over time.

It's something that some of my favorite TV series manage to do, but jeeze it's not easy, haha!

You have so many options. For some reason, that first chapter got to me. I felt bad for Dr Grace, she seemed… unfulfilled. Kind of a cliffhanger. But hopefully it will come to fruition with Penny’s job at the sex clinic. Seems the doctor’s desires will overcome any ethical barriers she has left. I love the doctor’s character!
The roommate also hopefully will be developed further. So much sexual potential with her voluptuous body.

As I’ve mentioned before, you’re really a very talented writer, and if you’re thinking of self publishing, you should go onto Amazon and pick up a few of John Locke’s ebooks. They’re sexy, humorous and immensely entertaining. He has several genres, the Dany Rippa, Dr Gideon Box series stand out. But what also May be of interest to you is he wrote an ebook on self publishing.

Anyway, looking forward with anticipation for Penny’s further adventures.

 

[Bigbobnc]

Now that's a good idea! I need to get organized, my google drive is just a wreck of notes and half-written chapters

Now that’s a google drive I’d love to explore

 

[Tweedledude]

Keep writing Penny. Your very good at it.