My first two poetry submissions - longing for feedback

[verseandworse2]

My first two erotic poems have just been published on Literotica. https://www.literotica.com/p/lovers-quarrel-a-hinglish-poem
and https://www.literotica.com/p/limericks-1-indian-metro-cities.

It happened within two days of submission. Quite stunned!

I'm from India and the first one uses a lot of Hindi words (hopefully to comic effect). No doubt, those familiar with both English and Hindi languages would appreciate it more. But I have included a very detailed glossary for non Hindi speakers (which I guess would be 99 percent of Literotica readers

The second one is entirely in English.

Those who get put off by poetry need not worry - both poems are entirely in verse, and both tell stories (only one in the first, but 6 mini-stories in the second). There is very little in them that is 'poetic' (in the sense of being lyrical or obscure), except for rhyme and meter (which I have paid great attention to, and managed most of the time, though not always ). The metre varies - iambic, dactyl, anapest, - but with inner consistency.

WOULD LOVE SOME FEEDBACK!

 

[THBGato]

Interesting. I like the blending of languages. The first was too humourous for my taste; in the UK now "serious" poetry is often free verse or plays with broken metre and slant rhymes. As a result, I can't help but find poems with heavy reliance on metre and rhythm somwhat childish, reminiscent of a nursery rhyme. Now that's on me as a reader, no reflection on your skill. It's also about cultural context. I know very little about poetry from India (some Tagore, that's about it) but perhaps there is more emphasis on the rhythm of words there?

 

[verseandworse2]

Thanks so much for your prompt feedback.

I wanted to revive the traditional form of verse and metre, just a whim of mine . Free verse is very much used in India in modern poetry in all languages, but I felt the traditional form is much more of a challenge - sticking to the metre in particular (rather than mere rhyming of the last word of each line, which is tough but not all that tough), instead of breaking it or playing around with it. I also feel that sticking to rhyme and meter makes a poem more accessible to the non poetry reading public. Free verse became popular because poets increasingly found rhyme and metre an impediment/hurdle to expressing complex imagery, lyricism, etc. But for light hearted stuff like the poems I submitted, rhyme and metre impose discipline.

I wonder if you are familiar with the novel "The Golden Gate" by Vikram Seth. The entire 300-odd pages, which tell a complete, complex story of love and loss (set in California, hence 'Golden Gate') comprise sonnets (14 line paragraphs) and every single line not only uses iambic pentameter, but also gets the traditional sonnet rhyming pattern right - ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. Extraordinary achievement! I was greatly inspired by it. (I'm currently working on a naughty short story trying to emulate that - I fear I've taken up too much of a challenge )

 

[verseandworse2]

Sorry, wrote the reply from memory and got a few things wrong. Checked with Wikipedia and am correcting them Vikram Seth's novel is written in iambic tetrameter (4 feet, 8-9 syllables) not iambic pentameter . Also, he did not use the traditional sonnet rhyming pattern I mentioned, but the one Pushkin employed in Eugene Onegin: AbAbCCddEffEgg. My apologies.

 

[THBGato]

No, I've not read it. I loved "A suitable boy" and "An equal music". I might try to get hold of a copy.

Patience Agbabi has a Crown of Sonnets in her collection "Bloodshot Monochrome" which is really impressive. She doesn't stick to the metre though.

 

[verseandworse2]

Patience Agbabi - will look her up and read, definitely.

Ah, you've read both those books! Yes, "Golden Gate" too is worth reading, but it is more of a literary feat than an engaging novel, actually . "Suitable Boy" is over 1,000 pages and what a detailed picture of 1950s India it presents! The guy is supremely talented

I was just reading your submissions too!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I think rhyme and silliness are a match made in heaven. Add in even halfway decent meter and it's a happy menage a trois. Funny limericks about sex are a staple in my part of the world. I don't know if they are in northern India as well. You have added to the canon! At least as far as I'm concerned. If you've not heard this classic, perhaps you'll enjoy. It is not my work and the author's name is not known to me.

There once was a man from Bel Aire
who was fucking his love on the stair.
When the bannister broke,
he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in midair!

Such a gentleman. I do hope they landed on something soft, maybe a big sofa.

 

[verseandworse2]

Superb! Yes, that's it. That's my idea of a top class limerick! That's the standard I want to reach, long way off, I know!

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Superb! Yes, that's it. That's my idea of a top class limerick! That's the standard I want to reach, long way off, I know!

Aw, don't be so hard on yourself! The perfect is the enemy of the good enough and the damn good. Reach for an ideal but be proud of coming close or even being in the same area. If I listened to that inner voice that says don't write unless it's perfect, no one will find it good enough, I would never write! And it took me years to get to the point where I'm even willing to share my writing with anyone unless forced to. You have more skill and confidence than you give yourself credit for.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

And I'm impressed when anyone can find anything even resembling a rhyme for Hyderabad. I am not brave enough to try rhyming Hyderabad!

 

[verseandworse2]

Aw, don't be so hard on yourself! The perfect is the enemy of the good enough and the damn good. Reach for an ideal but be proud of coming close or even being in the same area. If I listened to that inner voice that says don't write unless it's perfect, no one will find it good enough, I would never write! And it took me years to get to the point where I'm even willing to share my writing with anyone unless forced to. You have more skill and confidence than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you, thank you so much for the encouragement!

 

[verseandworse2]

And I'm impressed when anyone can find anything even resembling a rhyme for Hyderabad. I am not brave enough to try rhyming Hyderabad!

Thanks again! Actually "Bengaluru" was tougher, took me much more time, and was not very satisfying either. "Bangalore" would have been so much easier to rhyme. Regional chauvinism in India has led to so many globally known city names being changed... politicians want to eradicate the colonial imprint and bring back the original name of centuries ago...

 

[verseandworse2]

I have had a couple of more submissions published and would love responses to them. Again, they are poems (Erotic Poetry section), but not 'poetic' at all, except that I've stuck to old fashioned verse and metre.

https://www.literotica.com/p/mary-mary-quite-contrary-7
https://www.literotica.com/p/limericks-2-smaller-indian-cities

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

They’re such fun and so sex positive. Makes me feel good reading them.

 

[verseandworse2]

Oh Kitty, if it is not a problem, please copy paste your above line of appreciation in the comments section of one of the poems. If available publicly, it could help to draw more readers. Thanks a ton in anticipation.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

One delicious helping of copypasta comment coming right up!

 

[verseandworse2]

One more collection of limericks published - Limericks (4), India's West - extending the India sex tour in verse into the countries bordering India's west. Hope folks out there like it. Comments and ratings not just welcome, but being actively sought - hence this thread