my name says it all

[curioselfs]

I would like to be spanked, but my husband of 20 years does not want to participate. Is there some way I could more strongly encourage him? We don't mess around we've been monogamous. But I am definitely curious. Any suggestions?

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Have you talked to him about why? We don't know your husband. And there are no magic tricks for getting someone to do what they don't want to do. (Have you tried offering to spank him first? Hypnosis? secret suggestions, while he's sleeping? Threatening divorce? Bringing out a weapon? Hope you know i'm kidding.)

There are all sorts of reasons a person can be reluctant, including that he's afraid he might enjoy it too much, or doesn't know about safe words and such. You can't change people of course, but some are willing to try if you make it safe and comfortable for them.

It would probably help if you posted more about what he's said, and for that matter, whether you are just curious or feeling a need.

 

[Never]

So when you say you're an elf, does that mean you're small or are you talking about your personality?

 

[curioselfs]

When I ask him he never has a direct answer. He did at one time though hit me out of anger. And I've tried to tell him this is different. (PS that was only one time and it was 15 years ago.) He probably just doesn't understand me even after 20 years. LOL Need VS. curious, I'm not sure. I just know I dream about getting spanked and get really turned on. Elf NO, not a little pixie type person, more personality. We definitely need a boost in our sex life it has gotten stale.

 

[angela146]

www.takeninhand.com

 

[miss_inquisitive]

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[curioselfs]

I'm smiling as I read your reply. Thanks I will keep trying!

 

[Phoenix Stone]

I can understand you very much. About a year and a half ago i was in the same positiom you are in now. After 15 years of marriage, sex was boring routine like. I explored and found what i wanted to try and had to be consistant in my begging to try it because the things i wanted went against His nature. He saw me as the mother of His kids and a lady...definitly not some sex crazed slut(His actual words) and by doing all the things i wanted He felt that He would be treating me as that slut. Its hard for a lot of men who have been brought up with the idea that wives need to be treated gentle in the bedroom. It took me a year of being consistant in my requests to get the sex i craved. Once He realized how excited i became and how much i actually was getting off by this, He began to create His own forms of sexual 'torture'. Don't loose hope.

Oh, g-d that sounds Great! (Got twinges just reading it.)

One warning though, it really helps if you have a clear idea of exactly what you want because experimenting, if you do it wrong like I did, can leave him feeling like he can't do anything right, when it's just that some experiments didn't happen to be your thing.

And my guy Hates begging. Finds it manipulative. No teasing either.

So I have to get in just the right calm, but distant mood, and be very light, matter-of-fact and brief. And unattached. (Sheesh, if you met him you'd never Dream he was so difficult. ) Urgh. Also, ya have to figure out what non-verbal signals to give. For instance, I thought that wiggling and showing great enthusiasm would get it across (he doesn't like much talking, either ), so to show I Didn't like something, I'd lie very still. Turned out that he LIkes that!
Hmm, moving away from something, just lead to him following and insisting. and Telling him how much I liked something lead to him doing it continuously, robotically and in a way that made it clear he was 'only following orders' blindly and boredly until I begged him to stop. Then I got jumped on for sounding upset or irritated. Or he'd say, sounding annoyed, "I thought you Liked that! You tell me to do something and i do it and then you decide you don't like it! Forget it! I know if you tell me you like something once, you won't like it the next time anyway, so why bother?"

Wow, this is a hijack, isn't it? Point is, some of it's in the delivery. Most of it is in knowing what you want. And don't keep trying in the Exact Same Way, please. It hasn't worked, but something else might. Writing letters? (My writing here, is as much to him as it is to you. He seems to take things differently that i write and can read when and if he feels like. Jeez, and I never know what he's going to be offended by and what he'll like. He may well LOVE the above paragraphs, or think they're funny. Oh, I'm sooo confused!... )

curioselfs, just for fun and while you're figuring out, there are both self-hypnosis tapes around this sort of thing, and do-it-yourselfer bdsm tapes that one of the Dommes on this board does. Waiting around for someone else is hard.



Ps. sorry for my tantrum on your thread.

 

[miss_inquisitive]

.....

 

[Phoenix Stone]

is this too much of a hijack? please tell me curioselfs, and i'll start new thread!

Just remember though, total communication is the key.

Hah! Just had to start with this one first. I Wish!! Minimal communication is the key, in my case. I LOVE to communicate. (Ad nauseaum, or any other way.... And I'm having to learn to keep it Brief and bottom-line.

"I want to try..." is how every new act is approached. The next day over coffee it is broken down into how each of us felt about it. What we liked or didn't like. Then we try it again with the modifications and if it is still met without the intended results it is nixed.

Starting exactly the same way, I'd get 'uh, hunh, don't tell me about it beforehand. Or during. Or after.' Finally figured out that I need to ask Immediately before (I think), in the small window of opportunity between bed entry and sex. The next day over coffee... I better 'shut the fuck up,' as rr would say. He makes me coffee, which he would prefer to enjoy in utter silence, with me nearby. (We Do have some dommish tendencies here.) I will know how he felt by whether he Did it or not, (generally with modifications, that will often take it away from what I wanted -- sounds like he's not Trying to cooperate, doesn't it? Lol. But I think he's really constitutionally incapable, in a sense. That independence thing. So even when he really tries, he probably won't 'get it' while trying. He's not Good at trying to do things Other People's way. As I've written in other places, he hates getting into blow-by-blow analysis, so to speak, and trying to do something again with modifications -- sheesh, forget about it! Don't know if it's more like herding cats, or mules that are Really Trying to Cooperate. And let's face it, I'm just not the good a teacher, I don't think. Man, I'm frustrated. Him, too.

Thank you. For a while though i was being chastised by some for trying to "top from the bottom".

Welcome.

There've been discussions about this topic. I know I'm one of these, and finally asked that people just think of me as a Domme who Insists on being treated as a sub in bed! Or as a switch who likes to switch back and forth mid-scene, or whatever keeps them from feeling so frustrated with me. The main advice on this seems to be, do whatever works for the two (or three or whatever) of you.
Wish to G-d I knew what that was in my case.

Sometimes I think it would be really obvious to someone else. Some Doms have told me to leave the poor guy alone. But the poor guy doesn't Want to be left alone.