My Second Story: Thin Walls

[NDorado]

Okay, I've posted my second story. It's called "Thin Walls" and I welcome any feedback you might have. Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=323161

The constructive feedback some of you gave me for my last story was really helpful and I hope I've improved a bit since my last effort.

If you get a chance to read it, I'd love to hear what you liked about it and what I need to work on in the future.

Thanks in advance!

 

[mjl2010]

Well, um. They almost had sex and he sort of got off. As far as how it's written goes, pretty good. Nothing jumped out at me and I read it easily from start to finish.

Maybe you spent a few more words than necessary on his cheating girlfriend and their breakup. All in all though, I thought it pretty good. No serious criticism from me.

MJL

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Overall, I thought it was a good story...and original. Well done!

 

[jomar]

Hi NDorado. I thought I'd weigh in.

I like the sneaky opening, but if they are carrying a mattress, how can they rub up against each other?

Why would he lose his other friends and acquaintances? Needs more explanation.

Anyway, aside from these quibbles you have a nice writing style and I enjoyed the way you let the back story drip out instead of dumping it out all at once.

I thought your story was fun and well written.

By the way, I'm pretty new at critiquing, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

 

[NDorado]

Maybe you spent a few more words than necessary on his cheating girlfriend and their breakup. I
MJL

Thanks, MJL. You're right. I need to find a better way to build characterization and backstory without making the exposition slow down the plot.

 

[NDorado]

Overall, I thought it was a good story...and original. Well done!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

 

[NDorado]

Hi NDorado. I thought I'd weigh in. .

Thanks for all your feedback, Jomar.

I like the sneaky opening, but if they are carrying a mattress, how can they rub up against each other? .

Yeah, I was worried that might not come across right. I tried to be cute and sneaky with that opening, to get the rerader to think that the brother and sister were doing it right from the beginning to set the tone for what was coming later, and then reveal that they were just dragging a heavy mattress. I pictured the scene in my head that they were both on one side of the mattress trying to squeeze it through the door.

Why would he lose his other friends and acquaintances? Needs more explanation.

His friends knew about this girlfriend's affair with his roommate and never told him about it. So Eddie decided never to speak to any of them again.

Anyway, aside from these quibbles you have a nice writing style and I enjoyed the way you let the back story drip out instead of dumping it out all at once.

I thought your story was fun and well written.

By the way, I'm pretty new at critiquing, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Your "quibbles" are very valid. Thanks very much for taking the time to read my story and sharing your thoughts with me. Hopefully my future stories will entertain you just as much.

 

[yukonnights]

Just an opinion from another beginner, but I liked your story and thought that it was well executed.

I understood your intent in describing the abandonment "you" felt by your so-called friends. Thought you could have spent a bit more time on that though, which would have made it more understandable.

Also would have enjoyed more development of the emotions both sis & "you" were feeling when you realized this was more than a game. So many possible paths you could have taken as they moved from "game" to...

In general, I think this was a believable scene. Not sure if you wanted to do more, but you could have stretched this out and taken a deeper look at the underlying attraction.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Loved it!

Now, given I was tipped off that this was, perhaps Incest Light, like mine, it was obvious to me that the opening scene was not sex, but sounded as though it was. I can't honestly tell you if I'd have figured that out with no knowledge of the story.

I thought the history was a little "telly"...I would have been fine going back in time with you, and have you paint the scene of him catching roommate and girlfriend in the act...

The scene with them on the bed was great...funny, cute, awkward, hot, then tender...you got all of them...

The ending was deliciously ambiguous...

Nicely done, looking forward to reading more!

 

[NDorado]

Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. I hope I can take all the great advice to heart in future stories.

 

[Varian P]

Hello, welcome, etc., etc.

I'm impressed--you've written an incest story that's pretty believable, and rather endearing.

I agree with some of what others have said; the narrative dwelled too long, I think, on the various and sometimes dry repercussions of the cheating and break-up. To my mind, you don't need to go into little details about the shared bank account and jeopardized job. This isn't some random woman, where you need to justify the connection--they're brother and sister. Her putting up the deposit on his new place doesn't do much to alter our perception of this relationship. Her helping him move and the way they interact tells us they're not estranged or even cold siblings.

On the other hand, I felt like you skimmed the dissolution of all his friendships because of the breakup. Like Jomar, I had some difficulty with the idea that this guy no longer has any friends. I feel like I just need a little more--either a suggestion that he had only a couple close friends, anyway, and feels betrayed by them, or something to get me past my difficulty believing that no one from a larger social circle would have set him straight on what was going on. One way to get past this would be to suggest that he didn't really have any true friendships, and the breakup made him see this reality.

Moving on from substance to style... Your prose is fluid and at times quiet effective. My strongest suggestion is to step back, re-read, and edit to make sure that every word, every image, every phrase a) really makes sense, and b) is working for the story as effectively and efficiently as possible.

As examples of how you could tighten up the prose, here are a few weak points

"That's it," he said, his voice barely audible with the physical effort they were both exerting.

That bold phrase is both somewhat redundant and rather empty. Words like strain and struggle are more immediate and visceral. So, something like this conveys more sensual imagery/feeling:

"That's it," he grunted, just audible as he flexed and strained.

Kate seemed to gasp for air, her cheeks flushing with sweat...

Do cheeks really flush with sweat? Flushing is reddening due to blood vessel dilation, I think? Maybe:

Kate seemed to gasp for air, her cheeks flushed and beaded with sweat...

Finally, they reached their destination and dropped their heavy load on the bed frame of Eddie's new studio apartment.

To me, that bolded phrase makes it sound like his apartment comes with a bed frame, like it's the foundation of a house, or something.

All those kinds of little things erode the impact of your narrative. A little care in cleaning them up/careful selection of words and phrases will make the story a lot stronger.

As I mentioned earlier, the substance of the story is pretty nifty. I very much appreciate that it's not the typical bit of incest stroke--there's some subtlety, some complexity here that's actually in touch with how human beings really interact. It's fairly believable, and quite sweet.

Good job.

-Varian

 

[nlh_nhp]

Usually not my kind of thing but I did find this quite enjoyable.

 

[NDorado]

I'm impressed--you've written an incest story that's pretty believable, and rather endearing.

Thank you so much, Varian. I hope I can manage to make the other stories in my head just as believable and well received.

And thanks for the detailed feedback. All your comments are spot on, and I'll take them to heart for my future writing.

 

[NDorado]

Usually not my kind of thing but I did find this quite enjoyable.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I don't know why I find the incest taboo so compelling, but I do, and when it comes to erotica that seems to be "my thing." I know it's not everybody's cup of tea, but I really try to make an effort to make my characters someone believable and the circumstances not too farfetched. Hopefully you'll enjoy my other stories too.

 

[EveAnna]

I'm another who doesn't usually read the incest stories but I've enjoyed both of yours.

Your style of writing really pulled me in, the characters were believable and the story, for me, really flowed.

I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

 

[ninefe2dg]

I must admit...

...I kinda dig the incest stories. I liked Thin Walls better than Private Place, not to say I didn't like the latter. I think it was the interaction and the tension it created in Thin Walls that I thought was very well done. Hope to see more of that in the subsequent chapters!

Unlike Thin Walls I pretty much knew where Private Place was headed (masturbation, she'd join along, the picture would include her), but that's OK, too!

Re your post on my thread, yeah, "Sasha" was a bit of a one time thing, but yes, with a few minor changes, I could make it a series...have some other things brewing at the moment I'd want to finish first!

Well done, looking forward to more

 

[jomar]

You're welcome. I look forward to more from you.

 

[NDorado]

I'm another who doesn't usually read the incest stories but I've enjoyed both of yours.

Your style of writing really pulled me in, the characters were believable and the story, for me, really flowed.

I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Thanks, EveAnna. It means a lot to me to know that you enjoyed my story even though you don't particularly like the genre. I hope I can keep it up and learn from everyone's terrific feedback and suggestions.

 

[NDorado]

...I kinda dig the incest stories. I liked Thin Walls better than Private Place, not to say I didn't like the latter. I think it was the interaction and the tension it created in Thin Walls that I thought was very well done. Hope to see more of that in the subsequent chapters!

I really hadn't planned to write a sequel to "Thin Walls." I always pictured it as one of my stand-alone stories. But it's been so well received that I may have to reconsider my original plans and see if I can come up with a believable way to continue the story. I do love the characters. We'll see.

"Mix It Up" right now is my only story that wrote with the obvious intent to continue the plot in future chapters. Although I do have some more serial stories in my head.

"Thin Walls" has been so well received that I'm a little scared as I think about what to write next. I hope I don't bomb and ruin everyone's expectations! I have a bunch of story ideas in my head. I hope I pick the right one to be my next project.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. This is a great community!

 

[NDorado]

You're welcome. I look forward to more from you.

I hope I don't let you down!