Naoko's news, views and shoes thread

[Handley_Page]

Duplicate entry

 

[oggbashan]

Oh Naoko,
You are a real star.
I presume a "professional fee" has several zeros before the full stop ?

The fee ought to be large enough to alter Naoko's tax return. Knowing the organisation, that is unlikely.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Anyway - update on The C Word. Thank you so much all for your support in here. I mean, if a group of smut writers think that's bad, how bad can it be! (What would be the collective noun for a group of smut writers? Surely there must be a thread around here somewhere proposing some good names.)

The VC passed the hot potato to some strategic head of strategy. This Brain of Britain replied to me to say, "Oh no, he didn't mean ... what he thought I thought he meant. He meant 'The C Word' as in cancer."

Oh! Well that's okay then!

 

[Handley_Page]

Collective noun for smut writers ?
How about a "Pen" ?

 

[Hypoxia]

Collective noun for smut writers ?
How about a "Pen" ?

"A splort of smutsters" works better IMHO.

 

[Handley_Page]

"A splort of smutsters" works better IMHO.

A splash of smut ?

 

[NaokoSmith]

Great names for collective smut writer nouns! A 'pen' - very good.
'Splort' has a certain picturesque quality to it, and I like 'splash' as well.


Feeling a bit low today, as I have had a tummy bug for two days. However the sun is shining and I have finally been able to have a cup of tea

BTW, Kingswoman has a new story posted. If I had still been doing my Advent Calendar, I could have said: The wise men came bearing gifts, but you will come when Kingswoman bares all

Well, she doesn't quite bare all but it is called 'a tale of two stocking shockers', so there might be a bit of leg in it
https://www.literotica.com/s/carry-on-dating

 

[oggbashan]

Kingswoman's audio link is still broken but I can imagine.

The story is great.

 

[TxRad]

Kingswoman's audio link is still broken but I can imagine.

The story is great.

It's working for me. The audio link also.

 

[Handley_Page]

And it's an amusing tale.
It's like over-hearing a conversation between two women.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Kingswoman will very much appreciate your kind comments about her story.


Well, guys it has been a yoyo couple of days - up and down like one of those rides at Alton Towers (which the Fella tried to take Piglet on but after only one she was reduced to screaming heebie jeebies; I still have an excellent photo, though, of her wailing and waving her arms about after experimentally strapping herself into the trial seat for another one of them - only to find she really couldn't get out on her own - she has never quite forgiven me for taking a photo instead of rushing to rescue her).

I must say a big Thank You to a couple of people on here, who have been extremely and intelligently supportive through a bloody rough patch in the Smith household.

I have had a think, and I have thunk that I should focus on me for now. I have suggested Piglet go to the Fella's for an extra night this weekend so I can get my marking out of the way, top off this Himalayan mountain range of ironing, clean the kitchen floor and then I can start next week feeling like my life is my own again. I am going to make sure I go to the gym twice a week and get a good swim in, and have my hair cut for the first time in a year.


I have got off (ho ho!) to a good start, to continue the Kingswoman theme, by managing to finally hook a hot date!

It is acksherly very difficult to find anything decent on these dating sites. There are the ones who say they are saphiophiles, but only want to find some woman slightly less clever than them so they can feel even cleverer. There was one 'sapiophile', I'm not sure what he was looking for. And there was one bloke looking for a 'long-tern' relationship - perhaps with a fellow twitcher.

My method is to cruise through looking at profiles and occasionally adding one to my 'Favourites' list. The profilee usually at least looks back at my profile and sometimes he messages me, we chat for a little bit, he asks some innocuous question, realises I have got a brain the size of a planet and scampers hurriedly off.

But if anyone asks to meet me, I always go along, no matter how unlikely they seem because you never know.

So-o-o, I spotted this one guy, we chatted for a bit and then he suggested we meet up. I proposed a couple of wine bars not too far away, saying that there was a curious lack of good pubs near my house. But he googled the area I live in (which I'd told him) and managed to find the pub five minutes' walk away just round the corner LOL.

The forecast was for pouring rain. I managed to buy a very fetching umbrella - so fetching that at one point I feared the weather was going to dry up and I felt quite disappointed. Luckily the rain started up again, and I was able to do the five minutes walk to the pub, in my classic navy court shoes and cashmere coat, and sheltered under my fetching navy stripe umbrella.

My vis-a-vis hasn't got any kind of degree, he just finished school and then went straight into whatever he went into, and now he does some sort of builder-y thing on houses he owns. He had promised to scrub up for the occasion, so he was wearing a clean shirt and his best jeans. He asked me what outfit I would have on, so I said I would wear pin stripes to demonstrate how serious a person I am and sent him a picture of my pin-striped knicker and bra set.


Y'know, of course I would like to find someone who could appreciate the iambic pentameter of Homer's Iliad or, to be locally appropriate, the cynghanedd in Gerard Manley Hopkins's poems. But what I really want to avoid is some smartarse who is just dating me to show off that he is smarter than me, not to enjoy talking about these things. A very acceptable alternative is someone who just says: "You are out of my league, and I like you."

An exceedingly acceptable alternative is someone up for friendly benefits, who was a rugby international (especially a not very famous pretentious one), who keeps himself pretty fit still and who likes a bit of banter.

I correctly figured that if he didn't run off terrified when I sent him a picture of my knickers and bra, he would be at least worth meeting for a friendly pint and a chat about Scotland's chances in the Calcutta Cup match.

He told me, he met a couple of women off this dating site whom he didn't even get off with, as he didn't feel that attracted to them, but he stayed friendly with them and is always going round fixing up their houses for them! I don't know if I dare let him near my house, he would never get away again - there are so many half-doors hanging off hinges which I didn't quite manage to screw back into place. Yup, there sure is a lot of screwing that a man like that could help me with round here.

<snerk>

(And although I tried very hard to buy a round, he absolutely refused to let me! I said I would meet him up for dinner, but he better choose where we should go - I don't want to bankrupt him already. He had asked me earlier if I like wine It was after a short conversation on the topic of wines that he said: "You are out of my league!" and we just laughed and said: "So what.")

 

[Handley_Page]

Kingswoman will very much appreciate your kind comments about her story.


Y'know, of course I would like to find someone who could appreciate the iambic pentameter of Homer's Iliad or, to be locally appropriate, the cynghanedd in Gerard Manley Hopkins's poems. But what I really want to avoid is some smartarse who is just dating me to show off that he is smarter than me, not to enjoy talking about these things. A very acceptable alternative is someone who just says: "You are out of my league, and I like you."

You know, I never have managed to suss "iambic pentameter"; even looking it up (a metric foot or five?? WTF?).
My versions of the books of Homer are Penguin Classics, translated by EV Reu. Yes, they are quite old now (1960s), but they are in relatively modern prose, not poetry [I don't understand the desire to re-write the poem!], and if Homer has a character saying "rubbish", the translator says so rather than trying to find a more recent way of saying "Hercos Ondonthon" (please forgive the spelling): ('Oh what words pour over the fence of your teeth').

 

[JackLuis]

Cheers all.

I had a laugh today at the AH. I spotted an article yesterday about The Obama's scoring a $60 Million deal for their tell all books about their White House years.

Figuring that the Politics Board would fail to appreciate the magnitude of the article, I posted it on the AH, to show that writing can pay well.

This morning I found it had been moved to the Politics Board!

Apparently the AH minions must have recoiled at the idea that a politician could be a writer? Or perhaps they feared that you all would rush out to sell your stuff rather than post it for free? Silly Minions!

Dr. Smith, I hope you don't dissuade your Builder Bob friend just because he has no degree. He may have other attributes that you find attractive, like stamina, from all the heavy lifting. He could probably rescrew all you loose doors for you and you could teach him about wine and whiskeys.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Hullo dahlinks, I am making a brief comeback as I have had such a surreal day I have had to come on here and share it with you all.

Firstly, I am really sorry I haven't been able to find time to come on here and post naughty flirting messages. The fact is ... I have been busy going out and flirting in real life with actual men!

I'm afraid that lovely ex-Wales International with the skills at screwing stood me up for our second date! but nil desperandum, I went back on the dating site and picked up an unlikely man to go for pancakes with and then this other very promising guy messaged me.

I did meet him, and he is nice 'n all - but for various reasons I think not a keeper.

Meanwhile that ex-Wales International screwing artiste airily texted me to ask how many Scots I thought would be selected for the Lions team like he had never stood me up for a second date at all He knew perfectly well it was me he was texting, as he put kisses on the end of the text - which let's face it, he is not likely to do for one of his rugby pals, is he.

I was going to ignore him, but I remembered that he is good at screwing ... I mean DIY and that I have a lot of cupboard doors which need putting back on, so I explained that I had met somebody else and was seeing how it worked out. He was very kind and said I am a lovely sexy woman and he wished me good luck

 

[NaokoSmith]

Surreal event # 1 - my Dad's parcel

Yes, the mad Dad strikes again! He said something the other day about having sent a parcel, but it would not be delivered til after Easter as Royal Mail don't deliver on Saturdays. I just thought How typical, he can't even get a chocolate egg to me on time. But it was much much worse than that

It was a very heavy parcel, and as I lugged it up the stairs, I wished he had sent me the money he spent on the postage instead of the parcel.

When I opened it, I saw a punnet of supermarket strawberries which had spilt all over the rest of the contents. Having spent the whole of the Easter weekend sitting in an overheated postal depot, they were completely rotten of course.

There was a crab - I don't mean a tin, it was vacuum-packed in its shell. There was a pack of breaded king prawns with chilli sauce. Also a supermarket packet of BBQ pork ribs. For Easter

A bottle of cheap white wine - who in their right minds would pay the postage on such a thing? Some cheap cling-film packed cheeses which had also gone rotten.

I wasn't expecting it, I thought it was just going to be ordinary chocolate, so I'm afraid I burst into tears. I was really shocked to open up a box and see all these rotten strawberries rolling around in this other wasted food.

I phoned my sister and she was deeply sympathetic and we agreed that he is not at all sane. I expect we will laugh about it one day hahaha. Like we do about the empty biscuit tin he sent for Christmas - no, not quite empty, it did have some crumbs still in the bottom of it to show that once there had been biscuits in it.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Surreal event # 2 - the online Faculty meeting

To make up for the last story, this is an absolute cracker! I promise I have not made this up - this is a completely true bona fide story, every word of it.

I have been very busy marking today. At one point I was hoping to go out to the coast and see that guy I have met who probably won't be a keeper. (Although he does have an Audi TT ... but life is not all about driving down the coast on Bank Holiday Monday for ice cream sundaes in a silver convertible, is it.) Then the parcel arrived and I wasn't really in the mood any more so I just put out some laundry and tried to focus on my marking.

I remembered that the Dean of Faculty had written round to say there would be a meeting tonight at which he would run through the university's new New new strategy for making a mess of all our work. I was cross that we got such short notice, and it had to be in the evening - why not in the daytime like normal people? Oh of course, because the senior management are all vampires and would crumble to dust if any sunshine fell on them

I did want to hear about the new New new strategy so I logged in dutifully. There were quite a few of us, we didn't use the microphone, just typed our point-y questions in the chat box, while the Dean cleverly avoided answering like a vampire evading stakes.

About three quarters of the way through the meeting, someone logged in who not only switched on his microphone but his webcam too. He didn't actually say anything just sat there clogging up the microphone (for some reason we were only allowed one speaker at a time - but no matter, we were politely using the chat box).

Then this background noise started up. A woman screamed that she was fed up of it and he must do it in the office. Someone started swearing. We all typed: "Can't someone turn X's microphone off? He is causing background noise." The Dean of Faculty said: Sorry, for some reason he did not have moderator options and couldn't turn X's microphone off. He said he would try to carry on talking. The swearing was drowning out his not-particularly-well-informed comments on the new New new strategy. Then the orgasmic moaning started up! We all realised that our colleague X was watching porn while logged in on his webcam and microphone to the Faculty meeting with the Dean presenting the new New new university strategy! The orgasmic moans rose to a scream, and completely drowned out the Dean of Faculty who was still trying to tell us something about enhanced digital learning facilities!

Irony of ironies, we were just commenting how much better we found face to face learning facilities and that we hoped these would not be entirely replaced by online meetings in the new New new strategy.

I couldn't bear it any more and left at that point, weak with laughter and indignation.

 

[TxRad]

All I can do besides grin is to say there is never a dull moment around you. That and it is very good to see you. Well, more or less see you since you're only here in type.

 

[Handley_Page]

It would be hard to invent something like that.
Write it and you'd be laughed at.

 

[stickygirl]

I say pants on fire, but Naoko's pants were always hot
Hello one and all
Has anyone written a decent pastiche in Jane Austen style? Could you point me in that direction?

 

[MagicaPractica]

I really must stop in more often, the stories are quite something. Was thinking I hadn't seen Naoki in some time.

 

[Handley_Page]

I really must stop in more often, the stories are quite something. Was thinking I hadn't seen Naoki in some time.

To be honest, you'd be hard pushed to see anything funnier at time.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Alive and Kicking!

I say pants on fire, but Naoko's pants were always hot
...
Has anyone written a decent pastiche in Jane Austen style? Could you point me in that direction?

Well, I do like to iron my knickers before I put them on - ah the feel of the hot crisp cotton gusset on your ... butt.

Jane, there are at least two recent pastiches, one of which I think was going to be made into a film: Pride, Prejudice and Zombies, and Sense, Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Then there is the tv series Lost in Austen. I'm sure there must be lots of others?

I have just popped in to show you all that I am alive and kicking and to tell a book-ish story which I know Ogg will particularly enjoy.

As Father's Day approaches here in the UK, I suggested a couple of books to Piglet which she might like to get for the Fella. She decided on Be Like the Fox, a new biography of Machiavelli. (No, no, the Fella will be very thrilled with it. When I tried to persuade him to write a present list for Christmas after his granny gave him a duster one year, and he expressed a little disappointment, he said that anyone who knew him should realise that what he wanted was Machiavelli's Discourses on Livy )

I ordered the book express, to make sure, and it showed up very promptly the next day. But! oh dear. The pages weren't foxed however one of them was dog-eared!

The Fella is in high good fettle at the moment. I phoned him the other evening, and he was calling me 'sweetie' and saying his home was mine, and such like things. I said: "Well, since you are clearly on your fourth pint, I will let you go back to your mates and carry on." He said in great surprise: "How did you know?!!"

I can actually tell to a half how much he has consumed just from a short telephone conversation, LOL.

Sorry no lurid tales of hijinks on the dating scene at the moment as I have been up to my eyeballs in marking. Well ... up to balls of some sort Actually, I had to turn down a couple of dates! including one who had a vintage Harley Davidson. When he messaged me to say 'Hi' (or some other excellent pastiche of Jane Austen such as guys on dating sites affect), and I looked at his profile and saw it, I replied: 'Softail, I see.' He was very impressed, but I don't know if I should reveal that I only know so much about motorbikes because I researched them for a filthy dirty story I wrote - do you think he might take against me if he found out I write explicit stories about sex on the back of motorbikes? <snerk>

 

[TxRad]

Hello there. I was wondering when you would surface again. Very nice legs and shoes, I must say. I'm wondering what else you had on. From the bug-eyed look on that cats face, I'd say nothing. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part.

You did research on sex on a motorcycle and you didn't call me?

It is good to have you visit. You are missed.

 

[Handley_Page]

Sorry no lurid tales of hijinks on the dating scene at the moment as I have been up to my eyeballs in marking. Well ... up to balls of some sort Actually, I had to turn down a couple of dates! including one who had a vintage Harley Davidson. When he messaged me to say 'Hi' (or some other excellent pastiche of Jane Austen such as guys on dating sites affect), and I looked at his profile and saw it, I replied: 'Softail, I see.' He was very impressed, but I don't know if I should reveal that I only know so much about motorbikes because I researched them for a filthy dirty story I wrote - do you think he might take against me if he found out I write explicit stories about sex on the back of motorbikes? <snerk>

How nice to hear from you again, Duchess.

 

[curl4ever]

Glad to hear you're alive and kicking!