Need insight from a guy's perspective

[LazuLine90]

Hi all, im 35F married, got a stable job. Hubby is 33M working from home. I'm horny most of the time. I keep asking my guy to have sex with me but he keeps declining. He's definitely not cheating but he is not in the mood. Most of the time he likes to feel me up but never progress to proper fucking which leaves me frustrated. He fuck me well when he's had a drink but most of the time it's either my hand or my trusty dildos. We've been married for almost 10yrs. He says it because he doesn't feel like having sex most of the time, just no libido at all. He's young, he still finds me attractive but it makes me very frustrated.

 

[EasyGuy1025]

Hi all, im 35F married, got a stable job. Hubby is 33M working from home. I'm horny most of the time. I keep asking my guy to have sex with me but he keeps declining. He's definitely not cheating but he is not in the mood. Most of the time he likes to feel me up but never progress to proper fucking which leaves me frustrated. He fuck me well when he's had a drink but most of the time it's either my hand or my trusty dildos. We've been married for almost 10yrs. He says it because he doesn't feel like having sex most of the time, just no libido at all. He's young, he still finds me attractive but it makes me very frustrated.

It could be any number of things. Since I don’t know him or you, I’ll list all possibilities I can think of. Are you making yourself to accessible to him? Some guys like the seduction aspect. Maybe by asking him all the time, he feels pressured and isn’t sure that he is up to the task. Maybe he’s suffering from some kind of ED, and doesn’t know how to share it. Could he be tired, or possibly developing a health problem? Is a drinking problem a possibility?
A question I have is when did this behavior start? How was your sex life before? Has anything changed?

 

[LazuLine90]

It could be any number of things. Since I don’t know him or you, I’ll list all possibilities I can think of. Are you making yourself to accessible to him? Some guys like the seduction aspect. Maybe by asking him all the time, he feels pressured and isn’t sure that he is up to the task. Maybe he’s suffering from some kind of ED, and doesn’t know how to share it. Could he be tired, or possibly developing a health problem? Is a drinking problem a possibility?
A question I have is when did this behavior start? How was your sex life before? Has anything changed?

Hmmn that actually makes sense. I think he feels a bit pressured whenever I ask. But it makes me feel bad when I do it with my dildos and he finds out. Do i continue with that?
Before, he's the one who initiates it. There's no health problems, I asked him if he's struggling to get it up or like ED but he straight up denies it. He says he's just not in the mood.

 

[paulworcsuk]

Have you tried discussing fantasies etc

Maybe role play a little ?

 

[LazuLine90]

Have you tried discussing fantasies etc

Maybe role play a little ?

I did. He finds it weird. He said he's embarrassed on doing role play with me despite encouraging him loads of time but he loves watching porn sometimes.

I feel like I'm becoming a needy slut

 

[paulworcsuk]

I did. He finds it weird. He said he's embarrassed on doing role play with me despite encouraging him loads of time but he loves watching porn sometimes.

I feel like I'm becoming a needy slut

don’t feel needy!

We all desire affection and love from our partners

Perhaps suggest going out for diner , flirt a little but when you get home don’t mention sex - make him crave it instead

 

[Wonderer67]

Hmmn that actually makes sense. I think he feels a bit pressured whenever I ask. But it makes me feel bad when I do it with my dildos and he finds out. Do i continue with that?
Before, he's the one who initiates it. There's no health problems, I asked him if he's struggling to get it up or like ED but he straight up denies it. He says he's just not in the mood.

Could be hormones… low testosterone?? Has he had a routine check up recently?

Stress at work??

Could be a number of things.

 

[LazuLine90]

Could be hormones… low testosterone?? Has he had a routine check up recently?

Stress at work??

Could be a number of things.

I think so too. As usual he denies them. Reassures me that nothings wrong with him. Just not in the mood. Then we do it but its subpar than what i expect. Which leads me to think i pressured him into doing it.

 

[LazuLine90]

don’t feel needy!

We all desire affection and love from our partners

Perhaps suggest going out for diner , flirt a little but when you get home don’t mention sex - make him crave it instead

I've done that. I even bought sexy lingerie, it made him curious. Felt me up but doesn't end in sex. Do men have this phase?

 

[paulworcsuk]

I've done that. I even bought sexy lingerie, it made him curious. Felt me up but doesn't end in sex. Do men have this phase?

I’ve not experienced any such phase, but I guess we all differ

Like others say, it could be stress or anxiety - don’t push too hard and tell him you love him

 

[firefox27eros]

Hmmn that actually makes sense. I think he feels a bit pressured whenever I ask.

Does he have lots of stress in his work or thinking to much for the future? Do you have kids? Are you planning a family?

But it makes me feel bad when I do it with my dildos and he finds out.

Did he mention his feeling your masturbation?

Do i continue with that?

Masturbation? Definitely yes.

Before, he's the one who initiates it.

When did it start and how does the sex pattern changed/decreased?

There's no health problems.

Maybe not obvious or he also doesn't know it.
Is he fit, does he do regular gym work, heavy lifting?
Did he gain weight/fat?
Does he sleep at least 7 hours regularly?
Does he sleep well?

I asked him if he's struggling to get it up or like ED but he straight up denies it.

Does he have morning wood?

He says he's just not in the mood.

Does he change from mental point of view? Depression? Lack of energy, exhausted?

 

[Wonderer67]

I think so too. As usual he denies them. Reassures me that nothings wrong with him. Just not in the mood. Then we do it but its subpar than what i expect. Which leads me to think i pressured him into doing it.

have you gone a layer deeper and asked him why?

You can share how it make you feel. (Not to put pressure on him but just being honest)

 

[Wonderer67]

I've done that. I even bought sexy lingerie, it made him curious. Felt me up but doesn't end in sex. Do men have this phase?

I did, tbh. Stress of work, kids…

She was dealing w the same too. It does happen, but intimacy you’re such a big part of a relationship, you don’t wanna see it go away completely.

 

[HordHolm]

Some other things to consider (that might not be so comfortable)...

Does he use porn? If so, does he use it a lot? (and remember, you may not know if he does). If he uses porn a lot, could there be an addiction issue.

And worse... sorry, but could he be cheating?

Alternatively there could, as others have mentioned, health or work issues. Have you been able to have a holiday recently? Is he able to have time off work? Does he sleep well? Does he have a good diet? Does he drink much, or take any other substances? All these are possibilities.

 

[LazuLine90]

Does he have lots of stress in his work or thinking to much for the future? Do you have kids? Are you planning a family?

Did he mention his feeling your masturbation?

Masturbation? Definitely yes.

When did it start and how does the sex pattern changed/decreased?

Maybe not obvious or he also doesn't know it.
Is he fit, does he do regular gym work, heavy lifting?
Did he gain weight/fat?
Does he sleep at least 7 hours regularly?
Does he sleep well?

Does he have morning wood?

Does he change from mental point of view? Depression? Lack of energy, exhausted?

Hmmmn you've got really great points there. When i think about it, he becomes like this for few months then a few weeks of horny phase. He did gain weight which he said makes it difficult to keep up with sex that's why i do it for him instead. The moment i take control of the rhythm he cums quickly. So obviously leaves me unsatisfied.

 

[LazuLine90]

I did, tbh. Stress of work, kids…

She was dealing w the same too. It does happen, but intimacy you’re such a big part of a relationship, you don’t wanna see it go away completely.

Yes, that's my concern. Our love language is acts of service and touch. I kiss him all the time, whisper naughty things to him, feel him up even in public just to get a reaction. Spice things up. Its just lonely when your man is not up to fuck you when you're serving it to him

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Easy guy had a pretty good summary of my first thoughts. Are you coming on to him while he is working ? Also, pleases dont get upset, have you changed anything ? The way you dress,act, weight ? I try and evaluate myself before I judge others.
So yes don't come on to him as much. Make him want you. Maybe flirt with other guys when your out with him ( be careful here) and don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself. If he says anything remind him it's better than the alternative.

 

[firefox27eros]

Hmmmn you've got really great points there.

Happy to help!

He did gain weight which he said makes it difficult to keep up with sex that's why i do it for him instead.

Gaining weight and don't sleep enough and well cause drop on testosterone and that definitely kills the mood and sex drive.

The moment i take control of the rhythm he cums quickly. So obviously leaves me unsatisfied.

If he really cares about you and he knows he can't satisfy you it also a pressure on him and frustration.

 

[LazuLine90]

Easy guy had a pretty good summary of my first thoughts. Are you coming on to him while he is working ? Also, pleases dont get upset, have you changed anything ? The way you dress,act, weight ? I try and evaluate myself before I judge others.
So yes don't come on to him as much. Make him want you. Maybe flirt with other guys when your out with him ( be careful here) and don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself. If he says anything remind him it's better than the alternative.

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

 

[LazuLine90]

Happy to help!

Gaining weight and don't sleep enough and well cause drop on testosterone and that definitely kills the mood and sex drive.

If he really cares about you and he knows he can't satisfy you it also a pressure on him and frustration.

Yeah that leaves me in a limbo of frustration. I am always trying to understand him and being cautious of his feeling and manhood but there's also a limit to my sanity.

 

[verseandworse2]

I feel there are non sexual issues involved. Ae you doing better than him professionally? Are you indifferent/hostile to his parents/siblings? It could be a host of reasons.

 

[EasyGuy1025]

Hmmn that actually makes sense. I think he feels a bit pressured whenever I ask. But it makes me feel bad when I do it with my dildos and he finds out. Do i continue with that?
Before, he's the one who initiates it. There's no health problems, I asked him if he's struggling to get it up or like ED but he straight up denies it. He says he's just not in the mood.

I can actually relate. In my mid 20’s I had a GF who always wanted to have sex. She was a stripper, and would come home from working very turned on. She was beautiful and I was very attracted to her. And yet I found myself becoming less interested in having sex with her. At the time I didn’t understand what my problem was. It was only later that I realized that I got off on getting her in the mood. Getting her to “succumb to my charms” so to speak. It made me feel manly. With her coming on to me all the time, I almost felt like I could potentially be any guy she happened to be dating. I felt like a tool, just another sex toy. Which is completely unfair to her, but was still the reality. Something else that backs this theory up is this: sometimes in the middle of the night I would wake up and she would be sleeping. I would get excited gently removing her underwear while she was still asleep. Then I would start touching her until she started to moan. Then we would have incredible sex.
I will also say that you should NEVER feel bad about satisfying your own sexual urges.

 

[EasyGuy1025]

I did. He finds it weird. He said he's embarrassed on doing role play with me despite encouraging him loads of time but he loves watching porn sometimes.

I feel like I'm becoming a needy slut

Don’t you EVER feel bad about having sexual needs. That doesn’t make you a “slut”. That way of thinking has to go. You seem to be trying everything to get him interested. The fact that you’re here, asking us about it makes me think that you a good person and an EXCELLENT partner. IMO he is lucky to have you. My best guess is he doesn’t fully understand his lack of interest either, the same way I didn’t when something similar happened to me.

 

[LostHorizon]

Most of the reasons I have come up with are already mentioned. There are a number of different reasons a guy might struggle with his libido.

One thing I didn’t see in the comments is medications. There are so many different meds out there for so many different things that can impact sex drive. That combined with substances such as alcohol can be a reason.

I have experienced this myself as well as talked about it with friends. Anti anxiety and anti depressants in particular can course loss of libido which is ironic since loss of libido can cause both those issues.

if this was already mentioned and I missed it my apologies. Good luck!

 

[william1965]

Hmmmn you've got really great points there. When i think about it, he becomes like this for few months then a few weeks of horny phase. He did gain weight which he said makes it difficult to keep up with sex that's why i do it for him instead. The moment i take control of the rhythm he cums quickly. So obviously leaves me unsatisfied.

Sounds like hormone issues?