I have been married for over 4 years now and together even longer. I am needing something more out of sex. We have a great relationship and overall great sex. I really get off on the idea of harder sex, role playing, and the like. I completely trust my husband and do t know how to communicate this to him. I have told him this is what I would like sometimes, I have sent him explicit e-mails, I have even bought toys and point blank laid them out and have gotten nothing. I do not want to push him to do something he isn't comfortable with, but I am severely lacking g something g I need behind closed doors. Any suggestions??
Need some advice concerning bdsm
- Thread starter Amarey
- Start date
well no pms on..so I'll just ask a few questions. You've told him outright what you wanted? Did you ask him how he feels about your wants? I know some people are not comfortable Domming their significant other, or are just not interested in kink. Hence you have to ask what does it mean to him for him to do these things to you, it could be a mental block ie, it degrades you, feels like he's disrespecting you, hurting you, many things which might go adgainst his moral upbringing..
I know so little about the situation that I don't want to give bad advice
Frankly if my g/f came up to me and said whip Me..."I'll go how hard can you take it"
But everyone is different.
I know so little about the situation that I don't want to give bad advice
Frankly if my g/f came up to me and said whip Me..."I'll go how hard can you take it"
But everyone is different.
Well, we have had sexual ezperiences with a few other couples, nothing major. He has explored some of his own fantasies, and we have talked about mine. I try to ask him how can I fulfill his fantasies, what would he like me to do that is out of the "norm everyday sex" ...thinking if I start the process he might reciprocate. I don't think its too kinky, or that he is afraid of hurting me....I honestly am beginning to feel very put out. I have tried to talk it out with him, but I just get the same response. He has tried a time or two to get a little more "into" it, but then starts to ask me question after question, or if he is hurting me, blah, blah, blah. I have had patience with this and tried to express reassurance to him. I have told him the safe word rule, and talked about how to start out. This is where the emails come in. I ha e explicitally and specifically told him what I want him to do, I have even sent video links showing similar things, to build ideas and comfort of boundaries for his own knowledge. This has gotten me no response. Not even an acknowledgement or attempt in the past 2 weeks. Our sex life is not lacking otherwise, he is usually a giving lover, but I am over feeling unsatisfied when I do as much as possible to fulfill him. I feel as if this sounds harsh, and I don't mean it like that. I just don't know where to go from here and am beginning to feel like .....well, I don't know. :-/
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Amarey,
It can be hard to get past some things. Like being taught not to hit women. I know the way I was taught you don't hit girls from as far back as I remember. It can be hard for someone to understand, why a woman would want to be manhandled, spanked and generally treated roughly in the bedroom. Especially if this is the first time that it has been requested. He may have been taught that women are to be respected, not treated like a piece of meat. I know I was, but I was also raised in a household where sex was never discussed, so it became far more interesting than it might have been. If you can try to remember what he has told you about growing up, that might help, and his parent's relationship, I know it can be hard to think of parents as fully functioning human beings, but keep your eyes open. The question that popped into my head, are you the one who comes onto him, or vice versa.
America is the country of hangups when it comes to the human body and sex in general.
It can be hard to get past some things. Like being taught not to hit women. I know the way I was taught you don't hit girls from as far back as I remember. It can be hard for someone to understand, why a woman would want to be manhandled, spanked and generally treated roughly in the bedroom. Especially if this is the first time that it has been requested. He may have been taught that women are to be respected, not treated like a piece of meat. I know I was, but I was also raised in a household where sex was never discussed, so it became far more interesting than it might have been. If you can try to remember what he has told you about growing up, that might help, and his parent's relationship, I know it can be hard to think of parents as fully functioning human beings, but keep your eyes open. The question that popped into my head, are you the one who comes onto him, or vice versa.
America is the country of hangups when it comes to the human body and sex in general.
Thisansthat2632
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2011
- Posts
- 237
2 Things to consider:
Never ever speak in absolutes.....ie, I did this so you do that, he never has, etc..because he may have in his own mind already "dominated" you to what he feels is a satisfacory degree. Or he may not be capable or may not even understand. I know you've shared that you have tried to explain it but it's all in your delivery and poor delivery could or may make him feel inadequate or under performing.
The sale starts when the customer says no....if he hasn't told you no than you haven't scared him off the subject. If he tells you no work on your pitch. (how many men have failed to recieve the holy grail of sex because they said, "babe I want to fuck that girl, let's have a threesome". As opposed to, "you are so sexy, would you ever let me watch you with another woman? I have so many fantasies about you, about watching how amazing you look when you orgasm and some at how sexy it would be to see another woman do that to you. I don't even want to be involved just sit and watch you get pleased.) If she has half a brain she knows the two sentences are the same, but can at least appreciate the compliment of the latter and not feel inadequate.
Bottom line, your selling, he's buying...figure out a way to make it worth his while...not by just fulfilling his fantasies in a quid pro quo but how fulfilling yours would be advantageous to him, even outside the bedroom.
Ideas...
Take him to a club, let him see exactly what you want done with others doing it you two just watching. Reach your hand over grab his cock and say "there is nothing I wouldn't do for you just to have you do that to me once"
Sit down and show him the video while you're sitting next to him. I for one have found that being shown the video with her hand on me and her saying "do that to me", makes me more sure that's what she wants than getting it in my email. (men get in a lot of trouble at times for assuming our lady will act like the woman in the video)
Next time your in bed, before you get into intercourse but after your naked or during foreplay. Have him do one thing. Not all of them, just one..like pull your hair, or smack your face or ass. Let him see how much it turns you on.
I learned this the hard way.....I never new how badly she wanted me to literally gag her with my dick. I was always being very kind and polite and always let her set the depth....one day we were in a 69 I was on top and I felt two things simoultaniously. One a new tighter sensation around my cock head that sort of popped through and I lost it and cam down her throat and second a total wave of pussy juice onto my mouth. She had a massaive orgasm harder than I!d ever seen her have, right into my mouth, simply because she felt dominated and abusedby me. Ironically, she did it by herself by removing her hand and pushing her head forward when I was concentrating in her pussy...
Beyond those points don't get frustrated remember if your happy in your marriage have faith, life is a marathon not a sprint. If you are not happy and or you need this now take the action you need.
All comments contained within are opinion and basedon personal experience. I am not a medical professional with expertise focused on sex.....(though I've tried to put in the same amount of study
Good luck!
Never ever speak in absolutes.....ie, I did this so you do that, he never has, etc..because he may have in his own mind already "dominated" you to what he feels is a satisfacory degree. Or he may not be capable or may not even understand. I know you've shared that you have tried to explain it but it's all in your delivery and poor delivery could or may make him feel inadequate or under performing.
The sale starts when the customer says no....if he hasn't told you no than you haven't scared him off the subject. If he tells you no work on your pitch. (how many men have failed to recieve the holy grail of sex because they said, "babe I want to fuck that girl, let's have a threesome". As opposed to, "you are so sexy, would you ever let me watch you with another woman? I have so many fantasies about you, about watching how amazing you look when you orgasm and some at how sexy it would be to see another woman do that to you. I don't even want to be involved just sit and watch you get pleased.) If she has half a brain she knows the two sentences are the same, but can at least appreciate the compliment of the latter and not feel inadequate.
Bottom line, your selling, he's buying...figure out a way to make it worth his while...not by just fulfilling his fantasies in a quid pro quo but how fulfilling yours would be advantageous to him, even outside the bedroom.
Ideas...
Take him to a club, let him see exactly what you want done with others doing it you two just watching. Reach your hand over grab his cock and say "there is nothing I wouldn't do for you just to have you do that to me once"
Sit down and show him the video while you're sitting next to him. I for one have found that being shown the video with her hand on me and her saying "do that to me", makes me more sure that's what she wants than getting it in my email. (men get in a lot of trouble at times for assuming our lady will act like the woman in the video)
Next time your in bed, before you get into intercourse but after your naked or during foreplay. Have him do one thing. Not all of them, just one..like pull your hair, or smack your face or ass. Let him see how much it turns you on.
I learned this the hard way.....I never new how badly she wanted me to literally gag her with my dick. I was always being very kind and polite and always let her set the depth....one day we were in a 69 I was on top and I felt two things simoultaniously. One a new tighter sensation around my cock head that sort of popped through and I lost it and cam down her throat and second a total wave of pussy juice onto my mouth. She had a massaive orgasm harder than I!d ever seen her have, right into my mouth, simply because she felt dominated and abusedby me. Ironically, she did it by herself by removing her hand and pushing her head forward when I was concentrating in her pussy...
Beyond those points don't get frustrated remember if your happy in your marriage have faith, life is a marathon not a sprint. If you are not happy and or you need this now take the action you need.
All comments contained within are opinion and basedon personal experience. I am not a medical professional with expertise focused on sex.....(though I've tried to put in the same amount of study
Good luck!
DVS
A ghost from your dreams
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2002
- Posts
- 11,416
If you've given him ideas, emails and even put out toys for him, it doesn't sound promising to me that he's interested.
If you haven't already, you should sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Spell it out to him, in terms he would understand. If he has questions, answer them so he understands. Don't use BDSM terms he isn't familiar with. Explain this is something you desire for your sexual satisfaction. You are not a pervert. You might be surprised how many of your friends have similar relationships, but don't say anything about it. Sex lives are intended to be kept behind closed doors.
Like you said, don't demand anything from him, because if he doesn't want to do it, demanding will only alienate him more. But if he cares for you, I'd think he would at least give it an attempt. Some people don't know they even enjoy this kind of sexual stimulation unless they experience it real time.
But you should introduce him to things slowly. As him what his thoughts are and if he has certain things he just can't see himself doing. There might be things he's willing to try but other things he could be repulsed by. If he thinks you only want things he can't see himself doing, he's not going to budge. But if you can maybe show him there are lighter aspects of BDSM that you would also enjoy, maybe he is more willing to try them.
Don't rush him and don't force him. When he does something you enjoy, always encourage him with how much he satisfies your needs. You may not get everything you hope for, but you might get some. I'd think that the more he understands how much you desire something, he might find he enjoys giving it to you. It takes time for some people to filter this stuff through their minds. Some men have an especially difficult time hurting someone they love, even when they ask for it. Men are taught from an early age to never EVER do that.
Also, keep in mind that if he doesn't have this dominant trait in him, he won't be able to fulfill your needs to the extent someone who has that trait in them would. You can teach some things, but if the desire isn't there, all the teaching will only do so much. Also, if there is no desire, he will only be doing it to satisfy you, not getting much satisfaction from it, himself.
You might ask this question in the BDSM talk forum. There are quite a few regulars there who might have more ideas to try. And in the course of your attempts, may make suggestions on what you might try.
You might also check out sexuality.org for more information on how to explain your desires to him. In the search window, you can input BDSM, etc. to find out more info on different things. It's a very good web site that has many, many different areas of sexual relations. Good luck.
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Primalex
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Posts
- 6,248
You are an idiot.
Maybe he is a man because he does not do the things other people want but does the things he want - and if this does not include BDSM, then this is completely fine. He has no obligation to cater for the kinks of other people.
Thank you all so much. This has helped me understand the position he may be coming from a little more. I am willing to go slow and take a step at a time. These are great ideas!
I talked with him just a little last night and he told me that he just doesn't like the idea of "slapping around his wife". I think he partly has a misconception of my desires, even though I feel I was specific without setting exact scenarios. I do not want a hard core beating, I want to be dominated with some physical play as well. Its more the control / relinquishing control and authority that truly gets me off. I am in control of my life and am a busy, focused woman...sometimes I want to feel helpless under the correct circumstances within my marriage, partner etc. I believe he has heard the term BDSM and most people automatically think the hard-core, harshest things when that term is said. That isn't the only scenario capable of fitting into that category.
I will try the other forum for opinions as well. I appreciate your ideas and thoughts. I now have a better idea of maybe how to approach the subject. Thanks!
I talked with him just a little last night and he told me that he just doesn't like the idea of "slapping around his wife". I think he partly has a misconception of my desires, even though I feel I was specific without setting exact scenarios. I do not want a hard core beating, I want to be dominated with some physical play as well. Its more the control / relinquishing control and authority that truly gets me off. I am in control of my life and am a busy, focused woman...sometimes I want to feel helpless under the correct circumstances within my marriage, partner etc. I believe he has heard the term BDSM and most people automatically think the hard-core, harshest things when that term is said. That isn't the only scenario capable of fitting into that category.
I will try the other forum for opinions as well. I appreciate your ideas and thoughts. I now have a better idea of maybe how to approach the subject. Thanks!
Amarey,
In reading your last post, and the ones above it, I have an idea, has nothing to do with getting slapped around, or beaten. When the two of you have a free weekend or just a day off, treat him like the king of the castle. Put his favorite movie/tv/sports event on, and serve him much like a waitress or maid, you can even dress the part if you wish. I don't know if any straight men can resist their wife in a french maid's outfit. Address him as Sir, kneel next to him, lay your head on his thigh. Tell him you have no opinion for the weekend, and all the decisions are his, including what to do with you. Try that, and that may be a safer first step.
In reading your last post, and the ones above it, I have an idea, has nothing to do with getting slapped around, or beaten. When the two of you have a free weekend or just a day off, treat him like the king of the castle. Put his favorite movie/tv/sports event on, and serve him much like a waitress or maid, you can even dress the part if you wish. I don't know if any straight men can resist their wife in a french maid's outfit. Address him as Sir, kneel next to him, lay your head on his thigh. Tell him you have no opinion for the weekend, and all the decisions are his, including what to do with you. Try that, and that may be a safer first step.
babydollie
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2011
- Posts
- 89
well......I can only give you my own experience, but it might help. I brought my husband of 16 years into the lifestyle and for someone who has no idea what that means it is challenging. My husband too was one who was taught never to mistreat a woman in anyway especially growing up with a single Mother who's life revolved around her children.
I too did the emails and the constant "planting seeds" which is what you are doing but like any seed it needs time to ferment and grow into his own idea. So do not give up and have enough self control to let the "seeds" ferment and grow roots!....and then be careful what you ask for you just might get it!........good luck and pm if you want more support through this transformational time......
I too did the emails and the constant "planting seeds" which is what you are doing but like any seed it needs time to ferment and grow into his own idea. So do not give up and have enough self control to let the "seeds" ferment and grow roots!....and then be careful what you ask for you just might get it!........good luck and pm if you want more support through this transformational time......
