New Romance Story

[IrishSmile]

Suprise suprise everyone,
I posted a new story, and it's actually my first. There's no sex in the first chapter, but if I get enough positive feedback and comments, I'll continue and eventually get to the really good stuff. So I'd love some comments and votes! Even if it sucks, please let me know! Thanks.

Here's the link!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=377345

Hope everyone enjoys it. At least somewhat!

 

[CWatson]

Hmm. I like it. It could go somewhere.

Some minor comments about pacing and flow: The frequent cuts-between with the lines are very jarring to me. Every time you have one, it forces The Reader to stop, pull back and reassess; it kills the suspension-of-disbelief. Obviously you then want as few of them as possible, and I think some of them could be removed without damaging the story at all. I'm particularly thinking of that one lone paragraph from Aidan's POV which could be very easily folded into his next chunk. The paragraph in question comes after Willow's line:

> "Yes...maybe he's an illiterate idiot?" Her friend joked. "Or better yet, gay?"


Also, Lilian's monologue starting with this line:

> "I hate this!" She burst. "I hate my parents, I hate this life! Everyone thinks I'm (etc)

could likewise be handled a tad more gracefully. The dialogue works, the plot-dump works, but we don't believe it yet. Sure, she says these things, but that doesn't mean they're true. So you need to let us readers see for ourselves. Ideally you'd handle that in your first big paragraph back at the beginning, by having Lili walk through her everyday life instead of you (the narrator) just describing it; likewise you could back it up by having Lili imagine her loveless, sexless, lifeless marriage to the much-maligned Dave. Show, don't tell. It's all very well to inform us that Lili's life is boring and isolated, but the simple fact is that we don't believe anything we don't see with our own eyes, and we haven't seen her life yet. We need some concrete details.


Finally, you don't need a section from Olivia's POV. I mean, yeah, you could have it, but it would (again) be more graceful to remain in Aidan's POV and have Olivia just elbow him in the ribs. That is, unless you mean for Olivia to be a major player in the story, at which point I would actually suggest giving her another chunk before this, so that we know she's going to be important.

Anyhow. If this is your first story, then... well, good heavens! Keep writing! These comments are minor--and furthermore, Lili and Aidan are sympathetic and interesting enough to smooth over them. While the story could be better, it is also just fine exactly the way it is. You've got the gift. Don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

[AmeliaT]

Very good, I hope to read the next chapter soon

 

[RaLaWrites]

The constant switching between POV's throws me off. I was a huge culprit of doing that and I didn't even bother to put the lines in between like you did.

If you really want to do that, either write one half of the story in Lilian's POV and the other in Aidan's. Or, what I think is a better idea, write one Chapter in Lilian's POV and the next in Aidan's, next in Lilian's, etc.

I agree with the others. It is a very good story and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

By the way, Lilian Donovan is such a catchy name.