Newbie looking for advice

[MrNice4u]

I am interested in some aspects of BDSM, but all of the books and such seem to focus on the more hardcore side. Things I personally have no interest in such as slavery, cuckolding, chains, humiliation, and so forth. What I am interested in, seems to be, submitting to face sitting, strap-on use, light/sensual dominance, and some bondage and blindfolding.

My question is two fold. Where can I find good introductory material for these "softer" forms? Also where can I find tips on broaching the subject to a partner I know will be hesitant?

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmm... have you been reading fiction, or books I would identify as reference material? While the whole cuckolding/chains/slavery thing is discussed, I have to say in 90% of the reading I've done, it hasn't been the primary focus. I'm not sure where people get the idea that things like face sitting, strap-on use, light/sensual dominance, and some bondage and blindfolding are "light" BDSM. (You aren't the first person I've seen to catagorize things like that.) Kink is kink, and everyone's kink is whatever works for them- it's not a contest of who is BDSMer.


The BDSM Library pinned at the top of the forum is a good resource, as are the following books:

When Someone You Love is Kinky

The New Bottoming Book

The New Topping book

The Loving Dominant

 

[MrNice4u]

Hmm... have you been reading fiction, or books I would identify as reference material? While the whole cuckolding/chains/slavery thing is discussed, I have to say in 90% of the reading I've done, it hasn't been the primary focus. I'm not sure where people get the idea that things like face sitting, strap-on use, light/sensual dominance, and some bondage and blindfolding are "light" BDSM. (You aren't the first person I've seen to catagorize things like that.) Kink is kink, and everyone's kink is whatever works for them- it's not a contest of who is BDSMer.


The BDSM Library pinned at the top of the forum is a good resource, as are the following books:

When Someone You Love is Kinky

The New Bottoming Book

The New Topping book

The Loving Dominant

First let me say thank you for the list.

Honestly I will admit more fiction at the moment. All of the summaries I have read on Amazon and such sites haven't seemed to adress the topics I'm interested in. I have been curious for a long time but lately it has been a real draw for me. So now I want to do the indepth research to figure out how to be fun and safe with it. Plus learn how to present it in a non threatening manner to my significant other. I want to make sure she understands it isn't a condition on our relationship and that it doesn't mean I don't love sex with her now.

Sorry if my refereing to certain interest as "softer" is offensive. It wasn't intended as such.

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh it was't offensive... I've just come across a few people lately who have said similar things, and I find it somewhat amusing.

I saw a personals ad (on a non-kink site), and the gentleman was looking for a "soft core" submissive- which he identified as a woman who accepted that he made all decisions (chose the resturaunt/etc), controlled all finances, had final say in everything, and her sexual focus should be on his pleasure. He identified those behaviours as "soft core" because his previous relationships had been with women who accepted all those things, but expected him to micromanage their lives. In his mind, a "hard core" submissive, was a woman incapable of even choosing which toothpaste to buy. (I emailed him and pointed out if his previous relationships were with women who were doormats, that didn't necessarily mean the women were submissives. )

I'm all about the research; learning stuff is fun. One thing to remember about reading erotica/fiction, is that it is *fantasy land*. There's a lot of stuff that get people hot and bothered, and a lot of it is BDSM related, but that doesn't mean everything you read is the realities of BDSM- make sense?

The first book I listed is a really good low key, non threatening "how to talk to him/her with the least likely freaking out scinerio" type book. A little rudimentary, but good. The New Bottoming Book is the first actual book about BDSM I'd ever read, and is a pretty good starting point, as is The New Topping Book. John Warren wrote The Loving Dominant, and is a very experienced, mindful BDSM author (IMO).

People in the BDSM forums at Lit tend to be very helpful, so if you have any questions or are curious about something, feel free to speak up.

 

[MrNice4u]

I definitely understand the "fantasy land" aspect of fiction. So I hardly expect it to mirror reality. However being in a conservative part of the country reference material isn't readily available at the library. Even the "sex shops" around here don't have much reference that isn't whips, chains, and 24/7 submission.

However, with all of that said, I think I'm going to buy "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" for me and her to read together. We have used toys, blinfolds, and mutual masturbation, and it seems like the least threatening way to introduce the idea of taking it further.

Thanks and I will keep my eye on the forum.

 

[Chicklet]

I think the main list for beginners has already been named, but the bottoming book is really good when you're starting out. i read it but i thought i was already far past the things it discussed. it's cheap though, and an easy read. so i recommend it.

 

[MrNice4u]

Thanks for the advice Chicklet.

Has anybody read either of these books:

How To Be A Dominant Diva
http://www.amazon.com/How-Dominant-...6321554?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175002627&sr=1-1

or

Mistress Manual: A Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
http://www.amazon.com/Mistress-Manu...6321554?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175003268&sr=1-1

 

[liberatedslave]

I think also that because you're not craving the humiliation in chains side of BDSM there's really no need to scare your SO with a big, sit down, "I want to be dominated" discussion. I believe that you can introduce quite a few of your tamer ideas and see how she responds and how much she enjoys having the upper hand.

May I ask why you feel sure that she'll be hesitant? Does she have any issues that need to be considered?

 

[liberatedslave]

Just saw your post on the new faces thread. Have you considered writing stories yourself? It might be a good way of explaining to your SO what you'd like and why you'd enjoy it. Stories can be so powerful. You could use two random characters to illustrate your point rather than put words into her mouth by writing about the two of you.

Just a thought.

 

[MrNice4u]

May I ask why you feel sure that she'll be hesitant? Does she have any issues that need to be considered?

I am sure she would be hesitant for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is that she is uncomfortable with giving anal play. A finger ocasionally is about all. She suprised me with a vibrator for that purpose, but she never used it. When I asked her why she said she thought I liked anal play more than being in her. She felt this way because I am more vocal during anal play. I tried to explain that it was because I was able to relax and just accept pleasure. I told her it had nothing to do with her. I told her over and over that I love her and sex with her is still the ultimate release because of our emotional connection. Overtime she has quit anal play all together. So I guess my reassurance wsn't enough.

The second is that as time has progressed it has become more and more about her. It has become almost entirely about foreplay untill she reaches her peak then I can enter. There is almost no recipricating of attention or affection during foreplay. The first couple of years we were together she was more than happy to explore things. However, now it feels like she becomes more conservative by the month.

 

[MrNice4u]

Just saw your post on the new faces thread. Have you considered writing stories yourself? It might be a good way of explaining to your SO what you'd like and why you'd enjoy it. Stories can be so powerful. You could use two random characters to illustrate your point rather than put words into her mouth by writing about the two of you.

Just a thought.

An original and great thought. Thank you.

 

[liberatedslave]

I am sure she would be hesitant for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is that she is uncomfortable with giving anal play. A finger ocasionally is about all. She suprised me with a vibrator for that purpose, but she never used it. When I asked her why she said she thought I liked anal play more than being in her. She felt this way because I am more vocal during anal play. I tried to explain that it was because I was able to relax and just accept pleasure. I told her it had nothing to do with her. I told her over and over that I love her and sex with her is still the ultimate release because of our emotional connection. Overtime she has quit anal play all together. So I guess my reassurance wsn't enough.

The second is that as time has progressed it has become more and more about her. It has become almost entirely about foreplay untill she reaches her peak then I can enter. There is almost no recipricating of attention or affection during foreplay. The first couple of years we were together she was more than happy to explore things. However, now it feels like she becomes more conservative by the month.

That's all such a shame. My Sir is more vocal when I give him oral for the same reason. He wants to explore anal play further but we haven't got around to it yet. Personally I see it as an extension of my service rather than a reversal of roles.

It does sound though that you're going to have to discuss things with your wife. You have been accomodating by giving lots of foreplay, especially if she doesn't reciprocate. She needs to know that your bond with her and ulimately your marriage is being eroded by her attitude to sex. Not as any kind of ultimatum but simply to convey that you are genuinely hurt by her sexual selfishness. I think men end up in an unwinnable situation in some marriages where if they do ask for more or better or different sex they feel so guilty by the time they're grudgingly accomodated that it means very little. Some women really cannot see how the health of a sex life mirrors that of the whole relationship.

If she really doesn't like anal play then maybe you'll have to accept that but it does sound to me like she needs to have the facts laid before her so that she can understand better why you need her to participate more and what she's risking in the longer term if she still chooses not to.

 

[Lydia_Trent]

hi good reference book list you got there, also I highly recommend, Akashas website and her "good girls guide to female domination"
http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html
personally I found her site the mot helpful in developing a sensual not prodomme style. Ok, she is a bit sadistic, but if you take that part away, I find her stuff highly informative. the training and stories are a bit more hard core, but the advice in the femdom section is priceless, IMHO.
good luck