not sure how many words

[wildsweetone]

fall

I will not fall
the leather holds
wrists and rope

suspended, an artful toy
I will stay. I lean in
to the shocks, joyful

although
you shake my spine
and the bridge sways
and topples
I am embraced

I will not fall
though I collapse
to destruction, though you play
with my revival,
hanging here
a standing feast, a muscled howl
with no escape, I will not fall.

Built for me, the leather holds
in careful strength, to fit
like jewelry, like a cradle
with delicacy round
the bone, and though you fall
upon me like a lion on a lamb
still I will hang as lush as fruit
and only drop into your hand.

Though my legs are water
and my arms are ghosts,
you hold me firm
and though I take
the force of you against my sail of spine
I will not fall

i loved reading this out loud, even recorded it sounds great. i wonder if there are too many 'though's...?

if you post it in the STC thread, chances are some others might offer their thoughts too.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

i loved reading this out loud, even recorded it sounds great. i wonder if there are too many 'though's...?

if you post it in the STC thread, chances are some others might offer their thoughts too.

I think I write a lot of things to be read aloud. I've been considering that lately. Thanks for your thoughts!

Yeah, I didn't know if posting it in there would be okay. I didn't want to mess up the STC thread with my various drafts. This is only one of a couple I'm working on for that, but so far this is the closest to Not Being Total Crap, so I'm at least banging on it. Who knows, the angels might help me with a brand new thing at the last minute and then I can just let this one rest for a while.

all suggestions are mighty welcome. grazi.

bj

 

[Angeline]

fall

I will not fall
[no period after "fall," no cap on "the" in the following line--is that what you want or is the poem still pre final punctuation?]
the leather holds
wrists and rope

suspended, an artful toy
[period after "toy"?]
I will stay. I lean in
to the shocks, joyful

although
you shake my spine
and the bridge sways
and topples
[period after "topple"?]
I am embraced

I will not fall
though I collapse
to destruction, though you play
[I'd take out "to destruction" or replace it with something that doesn't suggest finality--the poem seems about strength to me and the ability to withstand destruction]
with my revival,
hanging here
[comma after "here"?]
a standing feast, a muscled howl
with no escape, I will not fall.

Built for me, the leather holds
in careful strength, to fit
["with careful strength"?]
like jewelry, like a cradle
[maybe "like jewelry or a cradle" so the images don't fight each other or you could be more specific and say "like a necklace or..." "like bracelets or..." ]
with delicacy round
the bone, and though you fall
upon me like a lion on a lamb
still I will hang as lush as fruit
and only drop into your hand.
[These last five or six lines are wonderful; great images, great strength]

Though my legs are water
and my arms are ghosts,
you hold me firm
and though I take
the force of you against my sail of spine
I will not fall

I read this four times and it's good. I nitpicked about punctuation and suggested a few alternative wordings that occurred to me, but aside from the punctuation I didn't see anything that seems to need fixing. I like that it can be read as erotic or non-erotic. And I love the last strophe. The "thoughs" didn't slow my read down at all. There are metaphors you could add (bridges and/or cat's cradle, for example), but not because it needs more, imo.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I read this four times and it's good. I nitpicked about punctuation and suggested a few alternative wordings that occurred to me, but aside from the punctuation I didn't see anything that seems to need fixing. I like that it can be read as erotic or non-erotic. And I love the last strophe. The "thoughs" didn't slow my read down at all. There are metaphors you could add (bridges and/or cat's cradle, for example), but not because it needs more, imo.

Those suggestions are quite helpful. I was really at sea still about where the lines needed to divide, where the sentences should end, and even the verse divisions. It's that detailing that I can muddle over for weeks, and that's why these challenges are so good for me. They make me commit to decisions. I like your suggestions about punctuation; they make a lot of sense.

It already seems like this piece is going somewhere completely new as it interacts with people. The origin point is long and boring so I won't go into that, but to read it as a statement of strength is actually a new read for me, and I'm going to think long and hard about that.

At the risk of interfering with how the piece is presenting itself, as opposed to how I saw it initially, I will say that my idea was that "I will not fall" had to do more with trust than with strength: my knees are out, I can't stand at all, but the bonds hold fast because they're strong and tailored for me, and I trust them, and I trust the one who put me into them to catch me when I collapse.

But I like your interpretation just as much and maybe if I read it from that angle it will inform how I edit. Per WSO, I am taking a very close look at all the "though"s; if they hiccup for someone I need to check them over, for sure. I do tend to be redundant sometimes.

thank you thank you
bijou

 

[Tathagata]

,,,,,

 

[Tathagata]

,,,,,

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Syndra Lynn]

they glance
askance
as your lips move
involuntary
in repetitions
of unspeakable things
that play on the marquee
behind your forehead

This is truly brilliant! But, I expected nothing less.

Hi Tath. i've missed ya.

Syn

 

[Tathagata]

This is truly brilliant! But, I expected nothing less.

Hi Tath. i've missed ya.

Syn

hardly brilliant , but I'm glad you like it


Hi Sis
Nice to see you here
I've missed you also

 

[wildsweetone]

it hurts to watch
the blossoms rip away
from the tree, hurts to watch
them careen across the garden
up and away, lifted on a westerly
that will not bring them back.

the few petals that are left
are bruised, as if someone
wants to thrash them with so much pain
that their release will be blessed
relief.

they expose the fruit, still green
and small, uninteresting to birds
and bees. those budding fruits
thrive on the harshness
that is October, will survive the rampage
of wind and rain and sun and come
December will be tiny morsels of joy

a Christmas gift for feathered friends
a blessing of feng shui decorating
the edge of the garden deck.

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Mooning

The Sun is gone
His light remains
the full moon to embrace

Cloaked in His love
Her face is bright
I draw Her down to join Her

We dance together
in moonlight streams
Our laughter fills the night

The air is chilled
my spirit soars
and spirals to the sky

Energy rising
Tempo builds
crescendo of our power

A sudden stop
the spell is cast
Full Moon at the witching hour

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[eagleyez]

reverb mandolins over
haybails orange and red in
northbound starboard with
quarry waves up above road right,
sumac crimson sprouting in
waterchatches and crotches, while
wailers rattle windows,
smoke turns silver
and guitar feedback
cracks lightening-
heavy left ahead.

slide 12th fret
beauty two lane
sweet singing
remains constant
in otherwise shifting color,
greet the grey
the fringes are charcoal.

 

[sophieloves]

boredom drives the dog to chew
the rawhide bone till gristle all
wet with sputum -

he'll gag and more than once
but the bored dog will still chew,
occasionally thump his tail

 

[eagleyez]

Its as if the songs
Battle the din of saws and hammers,
And coal operations provide the underground,
Homemade macaroni box percussion rides
Ashcan bass drums,

The maintenance man he commutes in
a metal flaked big rig, his towny ride,
since the sex offender got rode off and
we wonder-

we wonder on
blue gray mornings-sparrow migrators and local crow dancers, we with
sweets and steam,
and the songs shift into
vibrato chords and harmonic waybacks,
the sense of America
of leaky wells and mines n firestorms
as the songs
rise above the din of the hammers and the saws.

voices in deep reverb
low pitched with melody.

 

[Syndra Lynn]

uninspired

i feel my poetry
flowing

away from me

like life's blood gushing
from my open vein

draining me

leaving my pen
poetryless

inspiration used to come
in threads

but i can't seam
to reach those
now

 

[Tzara]

And Now!! The Son of Medusa!!
Filmed in Glorious VestalVison!!

The guy was bald, so he wore
all the snakes in his mouth.

These kept his figure slim
for the eager serpents would eat

whatever food he tried to chew,
and their dripping venom

just stimulated bile
severe even for a politician

fashioned from colored clay,
animated by Harryhausen.

How odd how that stop action
made him seem so like alive.

So like alive. So like alive.

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[sophieloves]

such a contemplative piece to read - i enjoyed its quietude, its thoughtfulness

 

[sophieloves]

leaving my pen
poetryless

that phrase really caught my eye

 

[Tathagata]

.....

 

[tungtied2u]

Last week's visit to the local coffee spot
was guileless, to survey the pastries
purchase and depart, head home to sample
share with my family. No so today

I am selfish, know exactly the sweet
I wish to sink my teeth into. The barrista,
Incan tattoo embellishing her forearm,
peaks out from beneath her bangs,

her eyebrows beat a Morse code,
but I cannot decipher meaning or intent
and eyebrow arch implications
are camouflaged behind long blond strands,

eyes sparkle as she leans forward and asks
should she leave room for cream, without hint
of smirk or lilt of tone to lead me to presume
her meaning is nothing more than professional

I am resigned to Splenda, sink into my chair
curl my tongue around raspberry filling
and close my eyes, where the mystery
of ancient Mexico waits to be unraveled

 

[Tathagata]

Last week's visit to the local coffee spot
was guileless, to survey the pastries
purchase and depart, head home to sample
share with my family. No so today

I am selfish, know exactly the sweet
I wish to sink my teeth into. The barrista,
Incan tattoo embellishing her forearm,
peaks out from beneath her bangs,

her eyebrows beat a Morse code,
but I cannot decipher meaning or intent
and eyebrow arch implications
are camouflaged behind long blond strands,

eyes sparkle as she leans forward and asks
should she leave room for cream, without hint
of smirk or lilt of tone to lead me to presume
her meaning is nothing more than professional

I am resigned to Splenda, sink into my chair
curl my tongue around raspberry filling
and close my eyes, where the mystery
of ancient Mexico waits to be unraveled

been there

how about a play on the word " splenda"
" she leads me to a place of splenda"
or
" I am left with her filling and her splenda"

just a thought
taint easy being a lecherous old man is it?

 

[tungtied2u]

been there

how about a play on the word " splenda"
" she leads me to a place of splenda"
or
" I am left with her filling and her splenda"

just a thought
taint easy being a lecherous old man is it?

It's a good year to be
in Beantown, sportsmania is blessed
years of tears in beers, and been there
seen that"ellegies, replaced with "My God,
how'd he catch that?' soliloquies

If only my own history could be
so easily overhauled by living
just a bit longer, pumping in new blood
revising my approach (and oh, yes,
spending a few million dollars),

but I digress, blessings are meant
to be relished in the moment,
like a Brat between 2 warm buns,
savored slowly all the way down

let's leave the nightmares
for another day.