Not traditional infidelity

[aubergene]

A few years ago my s/o met another couple and became very good friends. A flirtation developed between myself and the woman in the other couple. My s/o and I fantasized and also had serious conversations about the potential for exploring a sexual relationship between myself and the other woman. A while back both our s/o's were out of town with work, and she came over for dinner and we wound up downing a few bottles of wine. About 3 am we decided to hop in the shower, which led to full blown sex between the two of us. Now, the kicker: my s/o knew what we were doing because I had been texting him and he had given me the ok. I have no idea what, if anything she told her s/o before the event occurred. After words I think she and I were both fairly convinced that we were happy leaving it at that, and not pursuing this side of things any further. Now my s/o is struggling with the situation. We both realize it was a huge drunken mistake, and that we both carry responsibility for what happened, but he cannot get it out of his head. He is not angry with me, just the situation. How do I help him deal with this? We have never had to deal with infidelity before, and are both comfortable with the knowledge that it will probably not happen ever again, I just hate to see him so tormented by his thoughts!

 

[peterbrazen]

It seems to me

If your s/o knew what was going on and what would happen then he is partly to blame. He knows that and it bothers him as well.

The second thing is you knew that he wanted you to enjoy her and you WANTED to enjoy her.

You need to have a conversation about what happened and talk it out. You have to know that if you two are to continue as a couple then certain rules need to be laid down.

One rule is no more playing with others. The after feelings can ruin a relationship permanently.

Two, you become faithful to each other. You are for him and he is for you.

I am not perfect but believe, for you two, that a serious chat is in order.

Good Luck!

 

[aubergene]

If your s/o knew what was going on and what would happen then he is partly to blame. He knows that and it bothers him as well.

The second thing is you knew that he wanted you to enjoy her and you WANTED to enjoy her.

You need to have a conversation about what happened and talk it out. You have to know that if you two are to continue as a couple then certain rules need to be laid down.

One rule is no more playing with others. The after feelings can ruin a relationship permanently.

Two, you become faithful to each other. You are for him and he is for you.

I am nor perfect but believe, for you two, that a serious chat is in order.

Good Luck!

We have had that conversation, and are in agreement on our decisions. It just pops into his head, and he is really struggling with it. He knows that the sexual experience was nothing compared to what we have, and I have done my best to assure him. We both acknowledge our roles and everything you said has pretty much mirrored what we have done. How do I erase this from his mind?! It hurts him so much!

 

[SweetErika]

You can't erase it from his mind. And, honestly, it's not your job to do that, or even try.

He needs to figure out why your mutual decision to explore your feelings for someone else has upset him so much and how he can move forward. All you can do is continue to communicate, support him in working through his issues and stick to the rules you've agreed upon.

Do you know why this is so upsetting to him, or what his true thoughts and feelings behind it are? Or why you feel like it was infidelity, even though it sounds like it was something he completely supported you in? It doesn't sound like it's a simple case of "buyer's remorse," but rather an issue with some meat behind it.

How long ago did the sex happen?

 

[warrior queen]

We have had that conversation, and are in agreement on our decisions. It just pops into his head, and he is really struggling with it. He knows that the sexual experience was nothing compared to what we have, and I have done my best to assure him. We both acknowledge our roles and everything you said has pretty much mirrored what we have done. How do I erase this from his mind?! It hurts him so much!

you can never 'erase' it.
but you can work together to make it a far less damaging incident.
talk, talk, talk.
and time.
the rebuilding of trust between you both will take time.
don't neglect yourself here - by having his agreement to do this, and then later having it essentially withdrawn (because of his dilemma), you too have had a betrayal of trust.
make sure you discuss his issues as well as your own.

good luck

 

[SkAoUt]

The way i read it is that you didn't discuss this enough with your s/o. When entering into these situations you need to discuss it to death in and HONEST manner. Its easy to lie about the little things to please your s/o. "No, it think thats hot." Where as you are actually unsure. Better to voice those concerns at the git go. Because it sounds like he was trying to please you and now he can't wrap his head around it.

Still, I've been in a similar situ. My former girlfriend slept with a dude she was super hot for while we were in a long distance relationship. She had regrets but I was ok with it. We didn't do it again because of her discomfort. Maybe she liked it too much and it freaked her out. Or she felt guilty. I don't know. Anyhow I have a difficult time being threatened by the idea of two women sleeping together.

 

[aubergene]

A big part of it is the jealousy, and to be fair to both of us we never imagined we would feel this horrible after! No one can anticipate how something will turn out, and there isn't any mainstream advice about how to deal with this particular relationship hiccup! Thanks for all your insights though, it is helping me to realise that I need to give him more time, and we cannot just ignore this!

 

[aubergene]

We had discussed this for years, and it gradually escalated from us flirting to this. Even now, he admitts it is exiting to him, and he jokes that he wishes we had been there. He just needs more time to process, I think. I don't know!

 

[lindahotstuff]

It's not infidelity if he knew. Sex outside a relationship is not so much about the sex, but the dishonesty, you were honest so you should feel no guilt. Your partner was turned on at the time, he is the one being dishonest, and he needs to deal with it, he can't change the rules retrospectively.
This is why having sex with other people is always better when your partner is with you, that's why people have 3sums and 4sums, to experiment sexually whilst including, not excluding your s/o. Next time, get him to join you.

 

[SweetErika]

A big part of it is the jealousy, and to be fair to both of us we never imagined we would feel this horrible after! No one can anticipate how something will turn out, and there isn't any mainstream advice about how to deal with this particular relationship hiccup! Thanks for all your insights though, it is helping me to realise that I need to give him more time, and we cannot just ignore this!

Does he know why he's jealous?

Does he have trouble letting go of other stuff?

You can fix his feelings, but for your part, it might help if you look at it as, 'We tried something, it didn't turn out as we thought it would, and now I'm going to move on with safeguards for preventing the same thing from happening again.'

 

[ReadyOne]

A few years ago my s/o met another couple and became very good friends. A flirtation developed between myself and the woman in the other couple. My s/o and I fantasized and also had serious conversations about the potential for exploring a sexual relationship between myself and the other woman.
{snip}

I believe the issue here isn't cheating; you and your spouse talked it and you texted? for permission when the occasion arose.

The problem hubby probably has is the FF thing, and accepting your bi-sexuality.

 

[Cathleen]

My best advice would be talk with each other when you're relaxed and can spend some time on it, not that you talk about it incessantly, more like a lazy Sunday morning reading the paper kind of relaxed time.

Ask him questions or even pose your thoughts "Could it be 'X' that is part of it...?" Time and gentleness with each other might be the most helpful. You can't tell him why it's bothering him though, but you can help by offering your time and love.

 

[silverwhisper]

aubergene, how recently did this occur?

my wife is bi and she periodically plays with our friend a, who's married to p and is also bi. p and i both explicitly understand the situation and the ladies have our standing approval to pursue it when they like, with the understanding that neither of the men will ever be involved.

so i guess my question is: is your SO concerned whether the other man knows what's happened? and to be honest, i'm a little surprised that you don't know for yourself what happened, esp if you're very good friends with that other couple.

ed

 

[BossySon21a]

A few years ago my s/o met another couple and became very good friends. A flirtation developed between myself and the woman in the other couple. My s/o and I fantasized and also had serious conversations about the potential for exploring a sexual relationship between myself and the other woman. A while back both our s/o's were out of town with work, and she came over for dinner and we wound up downing a few bottles of wine. About 3 am we decided to hop in the shower, which led to full blown sex between the two of us. Now, the kicker: my s/o knew what we were doing because I had been texting him and he had given me the ok. I have no idea what, if anything she told her s/o before the event occurred. After words I think she and I were both fairly convinced that we were happy leaving it at that, and not pursuing this side of things any further. Now my s/o is struggling with the situation. We both realize it was a huge drunken mistake, and that we both carry responsibility for what happened, but he cannot get it out of his head. He is not angry with me, just the situation. How do I help him deal with this? We have never had to deal with infidelity before, and are both comfortable with the knowledge that it will probably not happen ever again,

His head may be comfortable with that, but his gut-level reaction may well not be. Just because you know something intellectually doesn’t mean that deep, deep down you really fully believe it.

I just hate to see him so tormented by his thoughts!

It just pops into his head, and he is really struggling with it. He knows that the sexual experience was nothing compared to what we have, and I have done my best to assure him. We both acknowledge our roles and everything you said has pretty much mirrored what we have done. How do I erase this from his mind?! It hurts him so much!

You can’t erase it. Not ever. No matter what. That’s the hell of it. You and he have to deal with it, you can’t wish it away no matter how much you might wish otherwise.

By the way, he doesn’t really know that what you two did was ‘nothing’ compared to what you and he have. You can assure of him of it, but in the end he has to take your word for it. He can’t really know for sure that you aren’t just trying to make him feel better, or humoring him, and there’s nothing you can do to change that, either, in the end either he can make himself believe it or he can’t. Imagine for a moment that he was with someone else, male or female, when you weren't there, and was telling you that it was nothing, it didn't compare to what you have. You might believe him, or want to, but wouldn't part of you wonder if he meant it? If part of him was still thinking about that other person when he was with you?

The way i read it is that you didn't discuss this enough with your s/o. When entering into these situations you need to discuss it to death in and HONEST manner. Its easy to lie about the little things to please your s/o. "No, it think thats hot." Where as you are actually unsure. Better to voice those concerns at the git go. Because it sounds like he was trying to please you and now he can't wrap his head around it.

That could be the case. It’s certainly a possibility, but it’s also quite possible that he found the fantasy of you and her exciting, but discovered that the reality was another kettle of fish.

A big part of it is the jealousy, and to be fair to both of us we never imagined we would feel this horrible after! No one can anticipate how something will turn out, and there isn't any mainstream advice about how to deal with this particular relationship hiccup! Thanks for all your insights though, it is helping me to realise that I need to give him more time, and we cannot just ignore this!

You don’t have a ‘relationship hiccup’, you’ve got what has the potential to be a big, big problem. You say he’s hurting, that’s not something to take lightly. And yes, he gave permission, which both means he’s partly responsible for whatever pain he feels, and probably makes the pain worse.

He’s probably full of questions he may not dare ask. For example, when you texted him, if he had said ‘no’, would you have done it anyway? Does he think you might would have done it anyway if he had said no? If he had said no, what would your reaction have been afterward? Was he afraid you’d be angry if he said ‘no’?

We had discussed this for years, and it gradually escalated from us flirting to this. Even now, he admitts it is exiting to him, and he jokes that he wishes we had been there. He just needs more time to process, I think. I don't know!

Fantasy is one thing, reality is quite another. Note that the reality, when it came, brought pain. That’s a sign that you should probably think very seriously about going to a purely monogamous relationship. No matter how hot the fantasy, it’s clear that you two do aren’t comfortable with the reality.

You don't have a relationship hiccup, you've discovered something important about yourselves. In theory, he may find the idea of you with another woman, or another man for that matter, exciting. The fantasy was exciting...but reality is not fantasy.

It may well be that he's simply not wired to share you. Some people (I'm actually tempted to say most people) are not ever going to be comfortable with sharing their SO/spouse. It may be that he's internalized the 'standard' view of relationships so deeply that no matter what his head thinks, his gut says 'NO!' It may be, as somebody pointed out, that he's ambivalent about same-sex relations in reality.

Remember, in a fantasy it's not threatening. It's all safely contained in your heads and when it's over, everything's back the way it started. But your action with your friend was real. He can't make it go away afterward, and if he's jealous or feels threatened or disturbed morally or whatever's going on, he's stuck with it.

He gave permission, but he probably wishes he had not. One thing you should ask him, "WHY did he give permission?" Was it because he was OK with it, or because he thought it was something he had to do to please you? If it's the later, that's a big difference. I'm not saying it was either, but it is a difference.

Now that you've actually done it, too, he may be wondering if you want to do it again, even if you say you don't. He might feel threatened, wondering if someday he might lose you because you prefer females, or because you aren't satisfied with him.

Even if he knows in his head that isn't the case, his gut-level instinct may be to be afraid, to wonder 'what if’. It’s real now, there’s a third person involved and he can’t control her the way he can control the fantasy figure’s he’s imagined you with. She could be a threat to your relationship in the way the fantasy isn’t. And she has an SO too, you said, he’s a factor in the whole equation too.

He gave permission, so he knows he has to live with this. He may not even know why it hurts to think about it, but clearly it does hurt. That’s the salient fact. It may be that what really hurts, what burns him, is the fact of the activity, he may wish desperately that he could go back and say ‘no’.

One thing, you should absolutely not do any more ‘experimenting’ with third parties as long as you don’t know what the problem is, and you might be wise to restrict all future experimenting to the two of you alone. Some fantasies are best left fantasies. Also, you didn’t make a ‘drunken mistake’. You knew what the possibilities were, you and he had talked about it before, the alcohol may have lowered your inhibitions but it didn’t cause this. You and he made choices that put you where you are now, and where you go will be determined by your further choices.

Learn from this, and remember what you learn, whether you stay together or not. I wish you well.