NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

[Isabella Thorne]

Tickle Tickle

Happy Belated Birthday Ticklish Girl ... hope it was a good one, dear ...

oh yea MM ... i think dozens of different versions are in circulation now ... wow ... they are multiplying like wabbits ...
______________________
oh and I want to change it to:
*hands an ice cold Blue to Purple*

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Thank you. I had a great time. Got some nice gifts -- books, CDs. And then I bought some new "toys" for myself. So it was a very happy birthday.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

I just received this urgent memo today and have already forwarded it to Queen Elizabeth:

TO: United Kingdom

FROM: The United States of America

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

2. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

3. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

4. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

5. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

6. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
_________________________
Rule, Britannia, rule the waves
Britons never will be slaves.

[Edited by Isabella Thorne on 11-22-2000 at 08:18 AM]

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Election Poetry Madness

In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse. But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?

Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
'Tis a mess here,' we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."

Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.

Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?

Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.

Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O' Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won.

Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry, "'Tis mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.

Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card

I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.

Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Which leaves the problem:
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

HAH!
*G* Recived this in MY mailbox, Concerning the election
"If none of you have realized, My Secret government operatives have MADE this happen, So that, In a Few Weeks when the time is Ripe, We Will take over the United States Government, And afterwords, Canada, Britian, The Middle East (YES ALL OF IT!) a good part of russia, And Mexico, All who resist will die, And all Who Follow will be given high places of power.

Resistance Is Futile,
The Borg Administration"

Now, I want to know, WHO ON EARTH IS THIS SICK AND STUPID!? I mean, COMON PEOPLE...(Not that i'd disagree to britian taking over, hell they've done a better job when it comes to government than WE Have.) BUT NOT CANADA!! NEVER CANADA! I AM ASSUMING COMMAND OF THE US ARMY! WE WILL CRUSH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Am i scaring anyone yet??)

 

[Juliangel]

Hey Bella on the memo to the Queen where did #'s 2, 3 and 6 go?

 

[Expertise]

Bring the noise Roland.

With enemies like you who needs friends.

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Actually, I wanted to See who would agree with me. *LMAO*

But if you Insist....
*Bombs canada to holy hell*

 

[Expertise]

Bombs instead of bagel guns.

Nice to see the meds are kickin' in Roland.

Maybe you have improved but for now I will reserve judgement.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Hey Bella on the memo to the Queen where did #'s 2, 3 and 6 go?

oooops .... sometimes I am just too damn blonde, Juliangel ... I fixed it now ... lol

 

[Juliangel]

Hey Bella on the memo to the Queen where did #'s 2, 3 and 6 go?

oooops .... sometimes I am just too damn blonde, Juliangel ... I fixed it now ... lol

No problem..... just didn't want anyone to say it was typical of the education system in the states.