NSA vs Looking for long term (can you do both?)
- Thread starter spunkyE
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Jezebelle10
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Hi Jen
Hugs and lots of them.
It's a really tough situation and one I've been in, so completely understand.
The trouble is, these sites aren't really ideal for LTR. I'm not saying they don't happen but they're pretty rare.
It's not something you'll want to hear but to be honest a proper dating site is your best avenue, well, that and getting out into the real world and believe me, I also know how scary that is.
You run your own business, so you already have it in you to know exactly what you want and the where-withall to go and get it, so just use some of that energy and get out there.
Most importantly, just doing something that you enjoy, (apart from sex lol), that'll make you laugh and smile and be with other people because then you're doing it for you and no-one else.
As for NSA, sure, go for it but only because you need that particular itch scratched, not because it'll help you get over him...because I doubt that it will.
Does this help? Probably not but I do wish the very best for you and keep my fingers crossed you get everything (or as near as possible) you heart desires.
Hugs and lots of them.
It's a really tough situation and one I've been in, so completely understand.
The trouble is, these sites aren't really ideal for LTR. I'm not saying they don't happen but they're pretty rare.
It's not something you'll want to hear but to be honest a proper dating site is your best avenue, well, that and getting out into the real world and believe me, I also know how scary that is.
You run your own business, so you already have it in you to know exactly what you want and the where-withall to go and get it, so just use some of that energy and get out there.
Most importantly, just doing something that you enjoy, (apart from sex lol), that'll make you laugh and smile and be with other people because then you're doing it for you and no-one else.
As for NSA, sure, go for it but only because you need that particular itch scratched, not because it'll help you get over him...because I doubt that it will.
Does this help? Probably not but I do wish the very best for you and keep my fingers crossed you get everything (or as near as possible) you heart desires.
Jezebelle10
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I guess i should have said i am on a lot of match making sites. i'm on eharmoney and match.com i'm not having much luck on any of those sites though. I either get guys that are wayyyyyy wayyyyyy older or some scarey ones............lol The ones I think i are cool enough i never get replies or right about when i think there might be a date they stop emailing.
and in real life if i think the guy is someone i'm interested in i dont' have the guts.
I know in my head what i need to do. just cant' get myself to do it.
thanks for the advise. it just seems when one thing is bad in your life everything else is more of a drag.
jen
Bother and sorry re: my suggestion about regular dating sites.
& yes, I really do know how these things can impact on other aspects of your life. I really wish there was something I could say/suggest but suspect it's the old chestnut of "give it time", that and get to a gym or something and beat the crap out of a punch bag...works for me lol.
Hang on in there.
coastal-boy
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You ask, "but what if this is the real thing?" In my opinion, this is not the real thing. Why? Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation. I wish I had kinder words to say. But sometimes, the truth is kinder in the long run.
How do you get over him? You are...one day at a time. Would you have asked such questions as you asked here even 6 months ago? You know the truth in your head, but you want not to believe it in your heart.
Life is so much more than a moment...it is happeneing around us all the time. Yet, when we find ourselves in a down time, do we see the life that is happening around us? No. Go outside and look at the first flower you see. Seriously, get down on your knees and really look at it. Smell it. See how it moves in the breeze. Now bring your eyes up...what more do you see? This is how we move on. We replace the hurt with life that is happening around us.
How do you get over him? You are...one day at a time. Would you have asked such questions as you asked here even 6 months ago? You know the truth in your head, but you want not to believe it in your heart.
Life is so much more than a moment...it is happeneing around us all the time. Yet, when we find ourselves in a down time, do we see the life that is happening around us? No. Go outside and look at the first flower you see. Seriously, get down on your knees and really look at it. Smell it. See how it moves in the breeze. Now bring your eyes up...what more do you see? This is how we move on. We replace the hurt with life that is happening around us.
innocentscribbles
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You do deserve better, you deserve much better. I don't know you and can promise you that much. He clearly is not the right one because if he was, he would feel what you do. Clearly he doesn't. That does not mean anything is wrong with either one of you, it just means it wasn't meant to be.
Married friends that get pissed at you because you won't sleep with them are not friends. You deserve better than to make yourself into an animated blowup doll for married or 'taken' men. It sounds as if you're in a very vulnerable place right now, and the very last thing you should open yourself up to is the potential for falling for some married guy. Imagine that heartbreak.
Who says you can't have it all? None of us are Angelina Jolie, because there's only one of her. Be yourself. Do what you like to do. Dress how you like to dress, wear your hair and makeup however you like. Someone else in another thread (satin maybe?) mentioned that shy people put far too much stock in what others think, and that's the biggest problem; that was some of the wisest advice I've heard. Stop worrying about what others think about you, because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
As for picking someone, you may be putting too much pressure on yourself and your potential dates. If you go into Date #1 measuring him up as potential husband material, you're going to be disappointed and you're going to send 99% of men running out the kitchen door of the restaurant. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, just go out with the intention of having a good time. Maybe it'll work out and maybe it won't, but if you go into it with no other plan but to enjoy an evening, I can pretty much promise you those dates get much easier to face and it becomes much easier (on you) to get over the scary and overwhelming burden of selecting who you want to go out with on Friday night.
Like coastal-boy said, you are. Time dulls those wounds. Just try (and I know it's hard) to keep in mind that you two entered into that FWB arrangement and he didn't break the rules. You can't be upset with him, necessarily, that he stuck to the plan. Hurt? Sure. But as was said before, it just wasn't meant to be. Whether or not he hooked up with a local girl just because she's local is his concern, not yours.
That's the smart way to go. Here's the thing. You're waiting for some fantastic specimen of masculinity to come along and sweep you off your feet. I say that because most of us do at some point, and it sounds like you're there.
The thing with us shy girls (I can be shy IRL, too) is that we sometimes come across as bitchy. Sometimes, we come across as aloof and disinterested. And sometimes, that can be very off-putting to guys. Why can't you ask someone out if you're interested? He may think you're not interested because you're shy and have kept that shy-girl distance, so he may be oblivious to your interest. Sometimes, shy girls think we're throwing blatant signals, too, when in reality it's barely noticeable. Couple that with the fact that some guys need bull horns and strobe lights to notice anything, and you may just be missing an opportunity with someone that could be open to the idea of a date with you.
Is it a scary thought to ask a guy out? Sure, but guys face that same fear regularly because that's the socially-accepted norm. The worst that could happen is that he'll say "no" and you'll feel a little awkward. Well, darlin', you're feeling a little awkward now, so what's a little more? And he might just say "yes." (And if he does, just go for fun, not to measure him for his wedding-day tux!)
satindesire
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Yes, Scrib, I believe it was me that said shy people put too much stock into what other people are thinking.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Shyness is 99% Narcissism, and I say this from a person who used to be so painfully shy that I was practically friendless in school. We are not important enough to be noticed, overanalyzed and reacted to. No one is looking at us under a microscope because in all reality, we're just another face in the crowd...not that interesting.
Once you realize this, you'll understand that it's okay to not be perfect because "THEY" aren't expecting us to be. And rejection isn't going to make the sun explode or the universe end, nor will it be the end of our self-esteem. Rejection means NOTHING, it just means you weren't supposed to be with the person you asked out. Move on, no big deal! ^_^
I strongly suggest you do NOT sleep with anyone until you get your head back straight. Sex can be, obviously, something that makes you attached to the person you're sleeping with, and unless YOU are healthy first, you cannot expect to have a healthy relationship.
And yes, sexual compatibility is important in relationships, but having sex too early in the dating process can ruin your chance of making the relationship work. Trust me, decent guys WILL hang around and wait to sleep with you because they're interested in YOU, not your vagina. Good sex isn't something that happens overnight, either. Good sex can be taught, so "try before you buy" isn't a healthy dating process, it'll end up connecting you to people you don't need to be connected to, and lame guys who are only after your sex aren't emotionally safe people to be connected to.
Dating isn't merely a process you go through to find a husband, it's also something you do for fun, for company, and to learn about yourself and what you're looking for in said future husband. So, if you go through the dating process focused like a LAZERBEEM! towards marriage, the guys you're dating will pick up on this and run faster than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs. So really, you're looking for a happy medium. You want to be looking for a serious relationship, not sex with no emotions, and not marriage. That kind of comfortable compromise is something guys can easily deal with, because many times, they're wanting a serious relationship too!
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Shyness is 99% Narcissism, and I say this from a person who used to be so painfully shy that I was practically friendless in school. We are not important enough to be noticed, overanalyzed and reacted to. No one is looking at us under a microscope because in all reality, we're just another face in the crowd...not that interesting.
Once you realize this, you'll understand that it's okay to not be perfect because "THEY" aren't expecting us to be. And rejection isn't going to make the sun explode or the universe end, nor will it be the end of our self-esteem. Rejection means NOTHING, it just means you weren't supposed to be with the person you asked out. Move on, no big deal! ^_^
I strongly suggest you do NOT sleep with anyone until you get your head back straight. Sex can be, obviously, something that makes you attached to the person you're sleeping with, and unless YOU are healthy first, you cannot expect to have a healthy relationship.
And yes, sexual compatibility is important in relationships, but having sex too early in the dating process can ruin your chance of making the relationship work. Trust me, decent guys WILL hang around and wait to sleep with you because they're interested in YOU, not your vagina. Good sex isn't something that happens overnight, either. Good sex can be taught, so "try before you buy" isn't a healthy dating process, it'll end up connecting you to people you don't need to be connected to, and lame guys who are only after your sex aren't emotionally safe people to be connected to.
Dating isn't merely a process you go through to find a husband, it's also something you do for fun, for company, and to learn about yourself and what you're looking for in said future husband. So, if you go through the dating process focused like a LAZERBEEM! towards marriage, the guys you're dating will pick up on this and run faster than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs. So really, you're looking for a happy medium. You want to be looking for a serious relationship, not sex with no emotions, and not marriage. That kind of comfortable compromise is something guys can easily deal with, because many times, they're wanting a serious relationship too!
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nfrrdscnnr1
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tough
That's tough!! The pain drips out of your post and makes me sad for you having to go through it.
Sad to say, there isn't much you can do to "get over it" but to do the grieving and feel the loss. That will take time. Most likely, the more you can let the pain occupy you, the faster it will lose it's sharpness. That's not true for everyone, perhaps but for most. Tears are your friends. Think of them as liquid feelings and letting them flow ought to help.
A LONG time ago, a counselor told a bunch of us that sexual congress is very likely to create a bond between the partners whether they "want" that to happen or not. I'll not try to defend that but there seem to be quite a few FWB deals that are not left at arms length. That would mean that the advice you've gotten here to not use casual sex to avoid the grief is sound and I agree.
It may well be that the toughest part of all of this is dealing with the feeling or thought that you are not a whole person if you do not have an intimate in your life. THAT notion is not only wrong, but mis-guided as well. Along that same line, do not hesitate to see a counselor or therapist if you have a notion it might help because the grief is so burdensome or not going away.
That's tough!! The pain drips out of your post and makes me sad for you having to go through it.
Sad to say, there isn't much you can do to "get over it" but to do the grieving and feel the loss. That will take time. Most likely, the more you can let the pain occupy you, the faster it will lose it's sharpness. That's not true for everyone, perhaps but for most. Tears are your friends. Think of them as liquid feelings and letting them flow ought to help.
A LONG time ago, a counselor told a bunch of us that sexual congress is very likely to create a bond between the partners whether they "want" that to happen or not. I'll not try to defend that but there seem to be quite a few FWB deals that are not left at arms length. That would mean that the advice you've gotten here to not use casual sex to avoid the grief is sound and I agree.
It may well be that the toughest part of all of this is dealing with the feeling or thought that you are not a whole person if you do not have an intimate in your life. THAT notion is not only wrong, but mis-guided as well. Along that same line, do not hesitate to see a counselor or therapist if you have a notion it might help because the grief is so burdensome or not going away.
From an older guy's veiwpoint ..... I had to 'get over' a LT marriage breakdown that left me very confused - angry, scared, bewildered and very depressed, even clinically; yet still emotionally 'connected' to her, even if she had moved on. I was fortunate to meet someone who suggested that I could benefit from some self analysis, something that could provide me with 'tools' to help me re-build my self confidence.
I am so grateful that I had the guts to attend a HAI - Human Awareness Inst. - weekend workshop. That 1st w/shop opened my eyes to what the rest of my life could be - and it also showed me how I could take responsibility for my own happiness.
HAI has been around since the late '60's. It is global now & the workshops are held in USA, Canada, EU & Australia. Nearest location for you might be East coast ( nr Boston), Mid west (west MI) or Toronto Canada. W/shops are not expensive & include all meals & accomodation.
You can tap into the HAI background at .... www.hai.org ...
Do PM me if you would like to know more. Over the last 4 years I have now done 5 of the 8 workshops & learn more about myself & life in general (especially relationships!) each time I participate in a very full w/end.
There are solutions out there; trick is to pick the right one that will work for you!
Good Luck Jen - as others have said, you deserve better & I hope you find some positive answers .... and soon!
M.
I am so grateful that I had the guts to attend a HAI - Human Awareness Inst. - weekend workshop. That 1st w/shop opened my eyes to what the rest of my life could be - and it also showed me how I could take responsibility for my own happiness.
HAI has been around since the late '60's. It is global now & the workshops are held in USA, Canada, EU & Australia. Nearest location for you might be East coast ( nr Boston), Mid west (west MI) or Toronto Canada. W/shops are not expensive & include all meals & accomodation.
You can tap into the HAI background at .... www.hai.org ...
Do PM me if you would like to know more. Over the last 4 years I have now done 5 of the 8 workshops & learn more about myself & life in general (especially relationships!) each time I participate in a very full w/end.
There are solutions out there; trick is to pick the right one that will work for you!
Good Luck Jen - as others have said, you deserve better & I hope you find some positive answers .... and soon!
M.
spunkyE
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thanks for the responses.
i guess i'm just going to have to wait it out. i think therapists are quacks. did that as a kid when i was trying to deal with shyness and the icky feelings i had about being so short. unless a therapist is you and have walked in your shoes i dont' think they are worth the money.
for the person who said something about shyness and how people think we are cold or witchy. i find that a lot. i cringe a lot when in public because of my height.
someone else said what's the worse that can happen. they say no. in my experience they can do a lot worse. they can belittle you and really crush your ego worse than it is.
i'm not that young and like i said my friends say i'm picky. i thought because i'm having such a problem getting over it it was more maybe "it"
or it might be the fact i've always been the one who ends things quickly. if i don't like you you won't get past two dates.
oh well. thanks for the responses. keep them coming if you will think they will help................i think i might just go back into denial and do some good day dreaming about what i would like to happen.................lol i know pathetic but entertaining...........lol
i do see the the overwhelming opinion is no NSA. i'll take it into account if the situation arises.
i guess i'm just going to have to wait it out. i think therapists are quacks. did that as a kid when i was trying to deal with shyness and the icky feelings i had about being so short. unless a therapist is you and have walked in your shoes i dont' think they are worth the money.
for the person who said something about shyness and how people think we are cold or witchy. i find that a lot. i cringe a lot when in public because of my height.
someone else said what's the worse that can happen. they say no. in my experience they can do a lot worse. they can belittle you and really crush your ego worse than it is.
i'm not that young and like i said my friends say i'm picky. i thought because i'm having such a problem getting over it it was more maybe "it"
or it might be the fact i've always been the one who ends things quickly. if i don't like you you won't get past two dates.
oh well. thanks for the responses. keep them coming if you will think they will help................i think i might just go back into denial and do some good day dreaming about what i would like to happen.................lol i know pathetic but entertaining...........lol
i do see the the overwhelming opinion is no NSA. i'll take it into account if the situation arises.
toshiskitten
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Ok. this might be a long post because I feel I need to put a little background into it.
What my problem seems to be is three years ago i met a really great guy on Lit. We cybered for almost three years with one hot weekend. I do not have a lot of "real" life experience but being on lit i've cybered with a lot of people.
We agreed in the beginning to just be friends and fuckbuddies.
Well somewhere along the line I broke the rules and started to develop feelings. Problem because we are 5 hours away from each other. i own my own business and work a full time job so me moving would never work.
I never said anything to him until we start planning a summer sexcation. In the middle he found himself a gf that was local. i truly believed he was with her just because she was there. I didn't handle it well. I've poured my heart out. He has ignored me. basically he has said it was just about the sex. however, for 2.5 years almost every day we were on yahoo chatting. to me he was one of my best friends. I sent a really long email and he never responded. I deleted him from facebook and really am trying to get over him. I mean he never responded. he sends me joke emails like nothing has happened. i send some just because i think i'm a martyr and i want him to know i'm thinking about him.
I'm an educated women. My head says get over it. I have tried. I just cant' seem too.
I keep thinking that maybe I need to find some NSA sex and i'll get over him that it's because i don't have the experience and i'm obsessed. but what if this is the real thing?
I can get NSA with a number of guys but they are all married or have gfs. I dont' want that. I think i deserve better, but maybe I should?
This is the dilemma. I want it all. Marriage, babies, forever after stuff. My friends say I'm picky. I agree and i'm shy and afraid to get hurt because i'm not angela jolie or even 10% as beautiful. Yes I have an bad ego problem......lol I've just been hurt alot of time. So me just picking someone is tough. I dont' do bars. I can be very outgoing once you know me.
How do I get over him? Is NSA with married or single or taken guys the answer? It seems I never find the single. I don't just want a hook up. i'd have to know the guy a little bit before NSA because of safety concerns. I am a true believer in investigate before you date type things........lol
This is really making me nuts. I think about the last guy all the time and i've pissed a few married friends off when i refuse to meet them for NSA
Is there a way to reconcile the two? Is there a way to get over this other guy?
I'm sure there is more I could say. Do not even know if any of this makes sense.
Any kind words of help out there. I don't need pm's of i'll NSA with you. That's not what i'm looking for. I'm looking for some words of wisdom to help me because it's been 3 months and my life is hell due to this!
Spunkyeeyore (jen)
I seriously feel for you because I had something like this happen to me except he went on a "business trip" and came back married. The only thing I can say is that you time will heal your wounds. Yeah that sounds corny and when I was told that I told the person to fuck off but it's true. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you like you need to be treated.
I don't think sleeping with married or taken guys will help because it may take you longer to get rid of your pain.
infinity706
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I don't know. I have a fuck buddy that prefers married guys. I'm kind of a special exception despite not actually being married. The idea is that they offer the affection and sex, but they have to go home and don't try to control her. Seriously, some people like to have more freedom than others.
toshiskitten
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I don't know. I just think that messing around with married people is just asking for trouble but to each his own.
coquettish
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I couldn't do the whole NSA thing in the past. Because NSA wasn't what I really wanted, it was what I wanted to want, if that makes sense. Now that I have been married, divorced and fucked over, I am much happier to use men for sex. NSA can work, but not when it's a stop gap for "I really want a relationship but..."
little_kid
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I too have wasted lot years in N.S.A,cybering and doing long-term romantic relationship online.
I would say only one thing, find someone real, get married and settle down.
otherwise, no matter you chat with 20 guys and fuck with 50 married men, at the end of the day you'll be all alone.
you can't win over that best-friend guy back. Because if he loves someone else, let him be happy with her. He might come back but only for having N.S.A. sex with you. so just forget him. its not movie ok.
I would say only one thing, find someone real, get married and settle down.
otherwise, no matter you chat with 20 guys and fuck with 50 married men, at the end of the day you'll be all alone.
you can't win over that best-friend guy back. Because if he loves someone else, let him be happy with her. He might come back but only for having N.S.A. sex with you. so just forget him. its not movie ok.
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ucleebo
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You will get through this!
I see a clue here. Could the reason you seem to get way older men be that your profiles show you value maturity in a partner? There are plenty of younger mature men who would love to be with a gal like you - but you've probably been too busy to look in the right places. Try taking an adult ed course or two, or joining a coed book club, or some such. ....Just a thought.
Take it from a guy waaay older than you: you have too much to offer the right man to cry over past mistakes very long. It's hackneyed advice, and it's on this thread everywhere: time heals. Take your time, get into a good exercise program (also advised elsewhere) to work out your frustrations, and you will persevere. Best of luck to you - you deserve it!
I see a clue here. Could the reason you seem to get way older men be that your profiles show you value maturity in a partner? There are plenty of younger mature men who would love to be with a gal like you - but you've probably been too busy to look in the right places. Try taking an adult ed course or two, or joining a coed book club, or some such. ....Just a thought.
Take it from a guy waaay older than you: you have too much to offer the right man to cry over past mistakes very long. It's hackneyed advice, and it's on this thread everywhere: time heals. Take your time, get into a good exercise program (also advised elsewhere) to work out your frustrations, and you will persevere. Best of luck to you - you deserve it!
Nysalesman37
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hi there
Honestly, I feel waht you are really looking for is NSA, with affection, respect and dignity. The feeling of being wanted, and not the feeling of being used.
Its challenging, but as long as you are clear of what you want, I do not think its difficult. Knowing you as little as I do...you are a strong educated woman..and I believ you should have already made up your mind by now.....
Honestly, I feel waht you are really looking for is NSA, with affection, respect and dignity. The feeling of being wanted, and not the feeling of being used.
Its challenging, but as long as you are clear of what you want, I do not think its difficult. Knowing you as little as I do...you are a strong educated woman..and I believ you should have already made up your mind by now.....
qrayze
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yes, very true, even sex with single guys can prolong your pain if you are not over your "friend"
after my husband left me, I went wild with the NSA crap. My emotions were yo-yo-ing up and down, it was awful...the pregnancy scares, the std scares. after a while, I realized it wasn't helping me heal, so I wen't "celibate"; no cyber, no sex, no internet r'ships, no dating. I focused on finding out who I was and what exactly it was that "I" wanted. I needed to know so I could have the power to say no to what wasn't healthy.
I know I'm over my ex, just thinking about him makes me queasy, but what I'm still dealing with are feelings of rejection and worthlessness. I am dating somebody, but I'm still physically celibate (not hard since he lives halfway around the world, lol). He's a great guy and he doesn't seem to have any of the qualities that I don't want. My biggest thing right now is trying not to self-sabotage this relationship because I have trust issues, lol.
NSA may seem like a great way to start off a relationship, but that's only in fairy tales and movies. There always one person of the two who only wants sex and nothing more. Sounds like what you had was FWB, not NSA.
Again, determine what you really want from a lover and pursue that kind of relationship. And, hey, older isn't so bad; I'm 26 and my bf is 45. ^_^
