Offering amateur reviews for short TG/CD stories.

[StillStunned]

When I'm proofing a story, I use the search function in my word processor and run searchs for "that", "then", "just" and other commonly overused words, and remove as many of them as I can.

Like I mentioned, I use these words like a backbeat to improve the rhythm of the text. They're a feature of my writing, not a bug.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Like I mentioned, I use these words like a backbeat to improve the rhythm of the text. They're a feature of my writing, not a bug.

You are using them, as AMD would say "purposefully", they are a chosen component of your style. But a lot of writers overuse them without realizing it.

 

[StillStunned]

You are using them, as AMD would say "purposefully", they a chosen component of your style. But a lot of writers overuse them without realizing it.

Dorothy Dunnett was a master of using these words. Things like this:

"What were you thinking?" she asked. Then: "The ship yesterday. You had news."

(Note: this is just an example of something she might write, not taken from any of her actual novels.)

The word "then" here pauses the story. The character stops, thinks, remembers, connects the dots. All in that one little word. It's so elegant. I've never been brave enough to take it this far, but I do use these pauses in the text to imply a break in the action or dialogue.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Dorothy Dunnett was a master of using these words. Things like this:

"What were you thinking?" she asked. Then: "The ship yesterday. You had news."

(Note: this is just an example of something she might write, not taken from any of her actual novels.)

The word "then" here pauses the story. The character stops, thinks, remembers, connects the dots. All in that one little word. It's so elegant. I've never been brave enough to take it this far, but I do use these pauses in the text to imply a break in the action or dialogue.

For me, that's a square wheel on a billy cart, it's clunky, not elegant. It reads like there's a word or two missing, to my eye.

 

[StillStunned]

For me, that's a square wheel on a billy cart, it's clunky, not elegant. It reads like there's a word or two missing, to my eye.

Well, she was knighted for her services to literature, so she probably knows more about it than you and I do. Pick up one of her historical novels - I recommend King Hereafter, which is based on the premise that Thorfinn, 11th century Earl of Orkney and King of Scotland, was the historical Macbeth. I promise, you'll be blown away.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Dorothy Dunnett was a master of using these words. Things like this:

"What were you thinking?" she asked. Then: "The ship yesterday. You had news."

(Note: this is just an example of something she might write, not taken from any of her actual novels.)

The word "then" here pauses the story. The character stops, thinks, remembers, connects the dots. All in that one little word. It's so elegant. I've never been brave enough to take it this far, but I do use these pauses in the text to imply a break in the action or dialogue.

This is a favourite technique of mine. The flow and rhythm of a story is always important, and most of all in dialogue. When we hear somebody speak, timing tells us a lot about what they mean and what they're thinking, especially when their thoughts are still whirring mid-sentence.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This story reads like a Trent Tarantino movie script

(Quentin Tarantino?)

 

[TheRedChamber]

(Quentin Tarantino?)

No, his younger, less talented brother. My story didn't have nearly enough feet fetishism in it to be a Quentin Tarantino original!

(Appreciate the comparison nevertheless)

 

[AlexBailey]

Someone in a PM asked why I haven’t posted anything new in years.

Besides what I’ve written here I’ve also done a couple of short stories to share with family and I’m working on a historical novel about a harrowing story of what happened to some relatives during the American Revolutionary War.

I’ve got details from old newspapers and some historical documents about a father and son from many generations back who were farmers who got caught up in a famous battle and were captured by British soldiers, escaped, were recaptured and escaped again, were assumed dead and had to reclaim their property which is now a famous historical site.

I’ve been having fun researching it. There are several books already written about the battle including mentions of my relatives but no books have been written specifically about what happened to them. I have delusions of it becoming a movie like ‘The Patriot’ some day.

The support here on lit got me interested in writing. Thanks everyone!

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I have a longer one, but you can look at just a chapter or two.

 

[AlexBailey]

I have a longer one, but you can look at just a chapter or two.

Hi. Sure, I'll check it out. If it's too long I'll just focus on where I can be constructive.

If your story is already posted just provide a link. If not you can send a portion to me in a PM, I'm not sure how long of a piece you can send that way but you can mark them as (1 of 3), (2 of 3), etc.I

Let me know if there are any particular points you'd like me to focus on.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Hi. Sure, I'll check it out. If it's too long I'll just focus on where I can be constructive.

If your story is already posted just provide a link. If not you can send a portion to me in a PM, I'm not sure how long of a piece you can send that way but you can mark them as (1 of 3), (2 of 3), etc.I

Let me know if there are any particular points you'd like me to focus on.

Thanks.

How about you have a look at one of these?

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-02

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-05

In Ch2, the fem MC is the usual fem self, in Ch5 she plays boy. You pick your poison.

Reading Ch1 (which is possibly the weakest -- and I mean to rewrite it) helps understanding who are the characters.

Or, see the blurb below.

The story is in the title: a young man, Evan, falls in love with Stella, a girl, a boy, and a man, that he finds in the company of his playboy father. Evan knows right away Stella is a slut. And not just any kind of slut, she's a slut of the most debauched kind, the kind that chases cock with abandon.

The story is ninety percent sex. Wild, kinky, endless sex. Exhibitionism is a major theme: the characters flash and have sex in full view of strangers again and again. Propriety is their least concern -- they like it messy and dirty. They engage in uncertain gender role play and tongue-in-cheek power dynamic play.

For Stella, it's all about having fun. For Evan, it's finding love and meaning. He would like nothing more than to have her as his girlfriend, and he does his best to get her.

 

[AlexBailey]

Falling for Dad’s Slut by @VerbalAbuse

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-02


This piece comes across as more of a jerk piece than a story. The main focus is on fucking, and if this is the only point it serves a very narrow audience.

My criticism is going to be about how to make it relatable to a broader audience who might be looking for something to become emotionally invested in. I will not be getting into the mechanics of the action or grammar except to say that it seems to improve with subsequent chapters. I invite others to comment on those aspects.


"The story is ninety percent sex" - this is true. I'm a very sexualized person but this was far beyond the stamina of my libido, it was a rough read for me. I did not connect well enough with the characters or the story to be drawn in. I read parts 1, 2, and 5, and listened to 3 and 4 on audio fast play. By not reading the entire series I may have missed out on parts of a wider plot arch that could have justified some of the awkwardness and filled in some blanks, but if so it did not come in time to keep my interest.

I don't doubt that there are readers who will enjoy every scene, but they must be getting turned on by some kink I don't feel. Honestly there are many erotic categories I'm not into, but whether or not I share the kink has no bearing on the literary quality.


I'm not sure who the intended audience is. It seems it would be a better fit for fetish than TG/CD, but that's not how Lit categories work. Fortunately the title and chapter descriptions do a fairly good job of representing the hardcore content.

The setting is a world where debauchery and sex are celebrated. The sex obsessed protagonist develops a fetish-based crush on a gender nonconforming "slut" whose mysterious neglected past is well outside of social norms.

I didn't connect with ‘Evan‘ the MC protagonist. We know he's interested in Stella but it seems to be entirely for use as a sex toy. The first person narration and internal dialogue has some exploration of the subject but a deeper connection isn’t really developed.

The character, Stella, is Evan's love interest. This is a very opaque character with hypersexualized social dysfunctions, yet in five chapters the narrative has given very little depth to this character.

-------------------------

"I'm a slut. I get my ass fucked."

"There must be more."

"There isn't. I'm a very boring person. A most unidimensional character."

-------------------


There were two info dumps for Stella's background that were delivered as solid blocks of monologue. Doing the exposition in two way dialogue could have helped develop the characters. The protagonist could be asking questions which would air his concerns and reveal personality traits while the 2nd character would reveal far more about their hangups and motivations. Five chapters in I still know very little about either of them.

Each line in a well written story should have a purpose and should move the plot, it should bring the characters closer or push them further away from their goals, otherwise it's just filling time while they aren't fucking.

Readers will be more inclined to connect with the characters:
* If they like them.
* If they see themselves in them.
* If the characters displays some internal struggle and are working towards a goal.
* If the reader can sympathize with the character.


I didn't like the characters, they didn’t display any socially redeeming qualities for me.

They were too far down the rabbit hole for me to relate to their kinks. They only displayed an unbearably extreme extension of sexual obsession.

Aside from wanting continuous sex I could not identify their goals. Yes Evan wanted a relationship with Stella but to what end? All he seemed to want was a sex toy.

My feeling for the characters is more pity than sympathy. There are opportunities in some scenes to develop sympathy for the characters but all of their needs are met. They have quirks but no struggles.


Another missed opportunity was that there could be more plot driving drama between Evan and his dad, but he was mostly a shallow but supportive character - not much to grab onto.

Small personal details could make the characters more relatable and add unique memorable touches. Struggles and goals can provide a basis for compelling conversation, each line can serve a purpose and be meaningful.

Again, I may be missing something here that other readers will connect with. To me this is like a porno that isn’t burdened with a plot, and while there is obviously a huge market for that it just isn’t my cup of tea.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Falling for Dad’s Slut by @VerbalAbuse

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-02


This piece comes across as more of a jerk piece than a story. The main focus is on fucking, and if this is the only point it serves a very narrow audience.

My criticism is going to be about how to make it relatable to a broader audience who might be looking for something to become emotionally invested in. I will not be getting into the mechanics of the action or grammar except to say that it seems to improve with subsequent chapters. I invite others to comment on those aspects.

"The story is ninety percent sex" - this is true. I'm a very sexualized person but this was far beyond the stamina of my libido, it was a rough read for me. I did not connect well enough with the characters or the story to be drawn in. I read parts 1, 2, and 5, and listened to 3 and 4 on audio fast play. By not reading the entire series I may have missed out on parts of a wider plot arch that could have justified some of the awkwardness and filled in some blanks, but if so it did not come in time to keep my interest.

I don't doubt that there are readers who will enjoy every scene, but they must be getting turned on by some kink I don't feel. Honestly there are many erotic categories I'm not into, but whether or not I share the kink has no bearing on the literary quality.



I'm not sure who the intended audience is. It seems it would be a better fit for fetish than TG/CD, but that's not how Lit categories work. Fortunately the title and chapter descriptions do a fairly good job of representing the hardcore content.

The setting is a world where debauchery and sex are celebrated. The sex obsessed protagonist develops a fetish-based crush on a gender nonconforming "slut" whose mysterious neglected past is well outside of social norms.

I didn't connect with ‘Evan‘ the MC protagonist. We know he's interested in Stella but it seems to be entirely for use as a sex toy. The first person narration and internal dialogue has some exploration of the subject but a deeper connection isn’t really developed.

The character, Stella, is Evan's love interest. This is a very opaque character with hypersexualized social dysfunctions, yet in five chapters the narrative has given very little depth to this character.

-------------------------

"I'm a slut. I get my ass fucked."

"There must be more."

"There isn't. I'm a very boring person. A most unidimensional character."

-------------------


There were two info dumps for Stella's background that were delivered as solid blocks of monologue. Doing the exposition in two way dialogue could have helped develop the characters. The protagonist could be asking questions which would air his concerns and reveal personality traits while the 2nd character would reveal far more about their hangups and motivations. Five chapters in I still know very little about either of them.

Each line in a well written story should have a purpose and should move the plot, it should bring the characters closer or push them further away from their goals, otherwise it's just filling time while they aren't fucking.

Readers will be more inclined to care about the characters:
* If they like them.
* If they see themselves in them.
* If the characters displays some internal struggle and are working towards a goal.
* If the reader can sympathize with the character.


I didn't like the characters, they didn’t display any socially redeeming qualities for me.

They were too far down the rabbit hole for me to relate to their kinks. They only displayed an unbearably extreme extension of sexual obsession.

Aside from wanting continuous sex I could not identify their goals. Yes Evan wanted a relationship with Stella but to what end? All he seemed to want was a sex toy.

My feeling for the characters is more pity than sympathy. There are opportunities in some scenes to develop sympathy for the characters but all of their needs are met. They have quirks but no struggles.


Another missed opportunity was that there could be more plot driving drama between Evan and his dad, but he was mostly a shallow but supportive character - not much to grab onto.

Small personal details could make the characters more relatable and add unique memorable touches. Struggles and goals can provide a basis for compelling conversation, each line can serve a purpose and be meaningful.

Again, I may be missing something here that other readers will connect with. To me this is like a porno that isn’t burdened with a plot and while there is obviously a huge market for that it just isn’t my cup of tea.

I don't think I have any major problem with your assessment. You're pretty spot on.

There's more than just sex, though. But at the same time, all is expressed through sex. I will have to own this critique.

This story is about characters and situations, not fast paced action.

Thanks!

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I'm just saying.

You have a novel-length story yourself. What is it about?

I've put a "blurb" in my series description, so that the readers don't waste their time with something that does not suit their fancy.

Too bad the long stories on lit don't have one.

 

[AlexBailey]

I'm just saying.

You have a novel-length story yourself. What is it about?

I've put a "blurb" in my series description, so that the readers don't waste their time with something that does not suit their fancy.

Too bad the long stories on lit don't have one.

I appreciated your beginning blurb. I did not come away feeling misled. I like blurbs. They’re like the back cover of a novel.

Each chapter of my novel has the same introduction where my intention is to forewarn rather than summarize. I’m letting readers know that it will have lots of twists and turns that may be trigger points for some people so they don’t get invested in a long piece that may be disturbing or might not be sex focused enough for some interests.

I would have liked to provide more of a description but I felt it was already getting bogged down by what I did include.


Now you've got me going back and thinking over it again;

---------------------

Hello!

This is part one of a full length novel in four parts. It's a gender-fluid, 'what if everything fell into place,' fantasy about self-discovery, coming out and coming of age. It explores pansexuality, cross-dressing and several fetishes -- especially for things like swimsuits and athletic-wear. Some parts have bondage and D/s themes. There are family dynamics and dysfunctions, social conflict and misconceived religious interventions. The enthusiasm and foolishness of youth is at play, and there is experimentation with drugs. Some characters are hostile and bring a touch of violence, and of course, there is a lot of kinky sexual adventure, often gilded with loving romance. All characters are 18+. Enjoy!

________________________

I like it. It does more than directly forewarn, it also makes connections with my target readers while deterring those who wouldn't like my style. If they're the kind who is turned off by "Hello!" they won't be into my writing anyway, let those curmudgeons go read something they will like.

The TG/CD is a diverse community with many social conflicts and trauma born triggers. I feel I'm being responsible by laying out these details so they don't hit someone who is struggling emotionally without a warning. Still within one part there is a particularly disturbing chapter where I provided a brief description with warning to skip to the next chapter where they can find a summary so they don't miss any of the plot. Many other authors think this is silly, I feel better by including it.



I think your piece could be upsetting to many in the TG/CD community for a variety of reasons, but I also think your title screens out the more sensitive readers. The title of my novel does that to some degree. Many TG folks are not into the term 't-girl' because they may feel it is objectivizing. My story has some objectification in it, so using that term in the title filters it out for those potential readers who are more sensitive while connecting the kink for those who relate. I connect with the term partly because I have been referred to that way and I like it. What kind of person would read a story called "A T-girl and a Tomboy"? I would. Your explicit title does the same for your potential readers.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I appreciated your beginning blurb. I did not come away feeling misled. I like blurbs. They’re like the back cover of a novel.

Each chapter of my novel has the same introduction where my intention is to forewarn rather than summarize. I’m letting readers know that it will have lots of twists and turns that may be trigger points for some people so they don’t get invested in a long piece that may be disturbing or might not be sex focused enough for some interests.

I would have liked to provide more of a description but I felt it was already getting bogged down by what I did include.


Now you've got me going back and thinking over it again;

---------------------

Hello!

This is part one of a full length novel in four parts. It's a gender-fluid, 'what if everything fell into place,' fantasy about self-discovery, coming out and coming of age. It explores pansexuality, cross-dressing and several fetishes -- especially for things like swimsuits and athletic-wear. Some parts have bondage and D/s themes. There are family dynamics and dysfunctions, social conflict and misconceived religious interventions. The enthusiasm and foolishness of youth is at play, and there is experimentation with drugs. Some characters are hostile and bring a touch of violence, and of course, there is a lot of kinky sexual adventure, often gilded with loving romance. All characters are 18+. Enjoy!

________________________

I like it. It does more than directly forewarn, it also makes connections with my target readers while deterring those who wouldn't like my style. If they're the kind who is turned off by "Hello!" they won't be into my writing anyway, let those curmudgeons go read something they will like.

The TG/CD is a diverse community with many social conflicts and trauma born triggers. I feel I'm being responsible by laying out these details so they don't hit someone who is struggling emotionally without a warning. Still within one part there is a particularly disturbing chapter where I provided a brief description with warning to skip to the next chapter where they can find a summary so they don't miss any of the plot. Many other authors think this is silly, I feel better by including it.



I think your piece could be upsetting to many in the TG/CD community for a variety of reasons, but I also think your title screens out the more sensitive readers. The title of my novel does that to some degree. Many TG folks are not into the term 't-girl' because they may feel it is objectivizing. My story has some objectification in it, so using that term in the title filters it out for those potential readers while connecting the kink for those who relate. What kind of person would read a story called "A T-girl and a Tomboy"? I would. Your explicit title does the same for your potential readers.

May I DM you?

 

[AlexBailey]

May I DM you?

Sure. Anyone is welcome to as long as they aren’t disrespectful.

 

[HotCosmo]

Hi, @HotCosmo,

I won't undertake to critique your writing as such, but I will tell you where I think the language doesn't sound like native English. I'll only look at the first few paragraphs, as I see already that your language does sound very foreign, although the meaning is always clear.

What if you present your MC as a non-native English speaker, and just let the reader deal with it, the way they would if they were chatting with you at a party?
'
See below to get a feel for how your voice departs from a native speakers. But, as I said, I don't think that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

AG31

Apologies to AlexBailey for maybe hijacking the thread. That's not my intention and I won't jump in if you're able to respond to a request.



"were each time more close to me." were closer to me each time

"I didn't doubt more about it." I didn't doubt about it anymore.

"He continued his closeness" He stayed close [to me].

"I fell to the ground again due to fear." I fell to the ground again in fear.

"His snouts become a human face " His snout became a human face (maybe snouts was just a typo?)

"and his paws into strong and muscular legs and arms." and his paws became strong and muscular legs and arms.

"a dart stuck in his neck" This isn't exactly "non native," but a more active word than "stuck" would work better.

I hope this gives you a sense for what you're dealing with. You have four chapters, I think, and it would take someone a little time. Like I said, you could just be up front in a forward. We're all able to handle non-native syntax.

Thank you very much. This help me a lot of. I'll use your comments to improve my writing

 

[AlexBailey]

Bump.

Still available for reviews both public and by PM. Private messages work best for unpublished works in progress.

Let me know if you’re looking for any specific feedback -

- is there a particular scene or action you’d like a second set of eyes on?
- do you want me to focus on what is working particularly well?


Without specific requests I’ll just focus on what comes to mind that I can be constructive on as I read your piece.

I welcome stories of queer romance too.