One for you guy's...

[behindthewheel]

100 men were questioned about blow jobs, the answers are;

5%.......liked the feeling
5%.......liked watching it
90%.....liked the peace and quite!

 

[DLL]

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

 

[WantonWitch]

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because they think we care.

 

[DLL]

What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?

Nothing. They have never met.

 

[WantonWitch]

3 advantages of getting a £50 note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.

 

[Essa]

Cats are small women in fur coats ...

* Cats do what they want, when they want.
* They rarely listen to you.
* They're totally unpredictable.
* They whine when they are not happy.
* When you want to play they want to be left alone.
* When you want to be alone, they want to play.
* They expect you to cater to their every whim.
* They're moody.
* They leave their hair everywhere.
* They drive you nuts.

Conclusion:

Cats are small women in fur coats.

 

[WantonWitch]

Blonde inventions


The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

 

[Essa]

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are ? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to do that," replied the husband, "but the problem is -- she won't allow me"

 

[WantonWitch]

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

 

[Essa]

Q. My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
sister.

A. Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from
being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not
get Mum involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go
with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook
him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

 

[WantonWitch]

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

 

[Essa]

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

A whine and cheese party

 

[WantonWitch]

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

This is ridiculous......


Mainly women posting in a thread for women bashing jokes

 

[Essa]

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist




We have to help the guys along...they don't seem to know any

 

[WantonWitch]

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


It's cos not one of them will ask where to find the jokes pages

 

[Essa]

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


It's cos not one of them will ask where to find the jokes pages

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?

A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop your load in it



Well to be fair, there's not that many pages of them, they can be hard to find

 

[WantonWitch]

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong!




Rofl... well the views keep going up... who's reading them I wonder ?

 

[Essa]

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong!




Rofl... well the views keep going up... who's reading them I wonder ?

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."




Probably me and you

 

[WantonWitch]

We don't show cos we post lol


A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

[Essa]

We don't show cos we post lol


A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"

She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

True... never thought of it like that

I gotta go the boys are back to ruin my day, I've had so much fun and I ain't touched me vodka yet

Take care

 

[DwayneDibley]

Tut tut, all the sexism!

In an attempt to keep the men's end up I've got a riposte to a joke Witchy left in the ladies thread!

You refer to the various 'toys' men have, and anything that takes 6 'C' batteries...

What about those 'toys' that take two 'AA' batteries that vibrate that women are rather fond of?

 

[Essa]

Tut tut, all the sexism!

In an attempt to keep the men's end up I've got a riposte to a joke Witchy left in the ladies thread!

You refer to the various 'toys' men have, and anything that takes 6 'C' batteries...

What about those 'toys' that take two 'AA' batteries that vibrate that women are rather fond of?

They're lifesavers

 

[wally2450]

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have
a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my
own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black." The girl says, "I was down on my
luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There
was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has
slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out. The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little
bastard was gonna bark."

 

[wally2450]

This man knows his math. He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so!!

 

[Essa]

What do blondes and turtles have in common?


When they are on their backs they are screwed.