One Hint on Maintaining a Relationship...Others, Anyone?

[jacktar48]

Let's talk about sex, baby. Candace Cameron Bure was adamant about not dressing too sexily on Dancing With the Stars last season -- but that doesn't mean she's not sexual. Quite the opposite, in fact. In an interview with The Doctors' Dr. Rachael Ross this week, the Full House alum hinted that she and her husband of 18 years, former NHL player Valeri Bure, have a very active sex life.

"We have to schedule time together. But the other part is making sure that we stay connected sexually," the actress, 38, said of how they keep the romance alive even with three kids underfoot. "That's a very fulfilling part of a marriage. When you're happy sexually, it kinda just balances the rest of the stuff out. You're not so mad at each other, you're not nitpicking at the little things."

(Another one of Bure's relationship strategies, as detailed in her book, Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose, is to take on a submissive role in her marriage. "It is meekness, it is not weakness," she previously explained on HuffPost Live. "It is strength under control, it is bridled strength.")

I bet they're connected frequently...

At least whenever he hasn't had the crap beat out him so much he can't move.

As for the "submissive" part...I guess if that works for her, it's her business. But she is pumping a book here, and maybe she figures that's what most potential readers want to hear.

That wouldn't be terribly appealing to me. But as she hints, there is steel under that velvet exterior, and if keeping that beneath the surface works for both of them, good for them.

I suspect that behind closed doors he enjoys having her take charge sometimes, using his body for her own pleasure before giving him everything he wants.

 

[unregistered]

 

[jacktar48]

Is the hint "mutually satisfying sex" or power exchange? The former is good advice for all couples (and a struggle for many); the latter only works for some.

Not sure. I think there are two hints.

1) Do it frequently, even if you have to schedule it

2) Don't flaunt your power. You know you have it and so does he, so massage his delicate ego by letting him pretend he's in charge.

I like #1. #2, not so much. I suppose it could be gratifying in public situations if he's into the macho thing. But in private, why fake it?

 

[NotHisLady]

It works for them (so far anyway.)
IMO there isn't any such thing as a one-size-fits-all model for a relationship.
Going in knowing what the other person's expectations are is the best bet but even those things change with time. How you weather that is an individual thing. No one can tell you how to do it. Some people do others don't.
Trying to copy what worked for one may be a disaster for someone else. You have to find your own path.

 

[liveforlust]

It works for them (so far anyway.)
IMO there isn't any such thing as a one-size-fits-all model for a relationship.
Going in knowing what the other person's expectations are is the best bet but even those things change with time. How you weather that is an individual thing. No one can tell you how to do it. Some people do others don't.
Trying to copy what worked for one may be a disaster for someone else. You have to find your own path.

True. Everybody wants a quick fix to everything whether it's a diet or exercise program or sex. Everybody is different and you can't just be successful by copying what somebody else does.

Still, working at keeping a relationship alive takes too people wanting t keep the relationship alive. When one or both just decide to sit back and take things for granted, then it all starts sliding down hill. When you start getting TOO comfortable, then it leads to boredom.

 

[LWulf]

I don't see a problem with defaulting to one person as the decision maker. That doesn't mean that nobody listens to the other person, it just means when crunch time comes, instead of "nitpicking at the little things" that you move together like a team.

She says "it's about meekness, not weakness" which to me describes that she isn't a cow being led around. She is intelligent and, to me, that means if time allows, they discuss possibilities and opinions are shared, but eventually it comes down to one person making the decisions. She defaults to her husband. Opposed to this, you could flip a coin or argue until one of the two turns blue, and the other is decided as the victor.

I think basically what Candace is saying is what kills a relationship is indecision and in place of that, ANY default decision maker is better than none. The petty bickering about whose decision is better isn't worth while (note: during crunch time).

 

[StrayKat]

She defaults to her husband. Opposed to this, you could flip a coin or argue until one of the two turns blue, and the other is decided as the victor.

There is that "talk like two adults and make decisions that benefit your relationship together" option you somehow didnt think of too

 

[LWulf]

There is that "talk like two adults and make decisions that benefit your relationship together" option you somehow didnt think of too

I DID say if time allows, discussions likely happen. However, "talking like adults" works when the opinions are similar. When they are diametrically opposed opinions, rarely does the discussion end soon and equitably.

In such an instance, you are allocated to arguing until one turns blue in the face, you flip a coin, or accept that one person will make the decision. Having a plan of who that person is in advance, to me, is better than flipping a coin to decide whose turn it is this time.

 

[Domesticity]

The whole submissive wife thing is VERY big in fundamental Christianity. She's being a good Christian wife by saying that she is submissive. Now rhe real question is, "what does that mean to her?"

 

[NotHisLady]

I DID say if time allows, discussions likely happen. However, "talking like adults" works when the opinions are similar. When they are diametrically opposed opinions, rarely does the discussion end soon and equitably.

In such an instance, you are allocated to arguing until one turns blue in the face, you flip a coin, or accept that one person will make the decision. Having a plan of who that person is in advance, to me, is better than flipping a coin to decide whose turn it is this time.

Ideally, at that point the person who is most knowledgeable in the particular situation would take the lead.
If we have a problem with our insurance for example I'm getting on the phone to solve it. That's my strength so there's no reason to question who leads. I'm going to get it done.
If we're lost in an unfamiliar city I read the map and he takes what I say as suggestions. We sort it out together.
If we have wreck he's taking care of everything including me because he's stronger and better under that sort of stress.

Knowing each other's strengths is better than relegating everything to one person even when that person may be less capable.
IMO

 

[StrayKat]

I DID say if time allows, discussions likely happen. However, "talking like adults" works when the opinions are similar. When they are diametrically opposed opinions, rarely does the discussion end soon and equitably.

In such an instance, you are allocated to arguing until one turns blue in the face, you flip a coin, or accept that one person will make the decision. Having a plan of who that person is in advance, to me, is better than flipping a coin to decide whose turn it is this time.

You are talking about kindergarten not marriage. Mature people who want the best for their relationship find time to discuss and a way to make compromises even when their opinions differ. Because the goal is the same.

I have been married twice, 29 years all together. The situation you are describing never happened. Neither am I submissive neither was any of my husbands. And we had different opinions plenty of times. Talking like adults works no matter, when there are you know...... adults involved.

 

[LWulf]

Ideally, at that point the person who is most knowledgeable in the particular situation would take the lead.
If we have a problem with our insurance for example I'm getting on the phone to solve it. That's my strength so there's no reason to question who leads. I'm going to get it done.
If we're lost in an unfamiliar city I read the map and he takes what I say as suggestions. We sort it out together.
If we have wreck he's taking care of everything including me because he's stronger and better under that sort of stress.

Knowing each other's strengths is better than relegating everything to one person even when that person may be less capable.
IMO

Okay, that insurance issue isn't specifically a DECISION making issue and I'd concur. But let's make it into one. Let's say there is no clear cut choice of choosing between two insurance companies. Let's say one offers better deductibles but the other has better monthly payments (this is probably a piss poor example but that's besides the point). All things being equal, who makes the decision?
"I like A" Is there a benefit? No.
"I like B" Is there a benefit? No.
Someone HAS to make a decision and the rest is just petty bickering.

The map/driving issue is and I'm going to focus on that. How many people are driving? One usually, yes? That means the driver makes the final decision in spite of what the map reader might say.

This is all I am talking about and what I believe Candace is talking about. Who is in the driver's seat by default making decisions when a snap decision HAS to be made.

 

[jacktar48]

The whole submissive wife thing is VERY big in fundamental Christianity. She's being a good Christian wife by saying that she is submissive. Now rhe real question is, "what does that mean to her?"

That's what I was guessing too. I don't know what it means to her, but I guess it works for them.

Personally I am not a Christian, and I don't want a submissive wife.

I'm a traditionalist Kituwah Cherokee, in as much as I can be one in this society, and as a part of that way of being alive in this world (I hesitate to call it a "religion" as such) I believe women are supposed to be the head of household. Men have other functions. So submissive women, when it comes to household matters, make me uneasy.

It's not my place to advocate this lifestyle for anyone else. I know it's not considered "normal" in this society. I'm just offering a different point of view.

It works for me. That's all I need to know.

 

[NotHisLady]

Okay, that insurance issue isn't specifically a DECISION making issue and I'd concur. But let's make it into one. Let's say there is no clear cut choice of choosing between two insurance companies. Let's say one offers better deductibles but the other has better monthly payments (this is probably a piss poor example but that's besides the point). All things being equal, who makes the decision?
"I like A" Is there a benefit? No.
"I like B" Is there a benefit? No.
Someone HAS to make a decision and the rest is just petty bickering.

The map/driving issue is and I'm going to focus on that. How many people are driving? One usually, yes? That means the driver makes the final decision in spite of what the map reader might say.

This is all I am talking about and what I believe Candace is talking about. Who is in the driver's seat by default making decisions when a snap decision HAS to be made.

You would be wrong on both counts.
I have said "we're taking this one for xyz reasons" and that has not been questioned where some things--banks, insurance, etc are concerned. Those things are my strength and I know how to talk around the BS, get the better info and find the better deal.
I've said "turn left here" and he's turned left. Other times I've said "we need to take this exit" and been told that it was the next one. That stuff is 50/50 because often it takes both of us to sort it out.
He picks places to eat, has an uncanny knack for it. Places I would hesitate to even sit down in turn out to have the most amazing food. When he says this is it, this is it. No questions from me.
There are dozens of examples of things that each of us excel at but it's recognizing who should lead not defaulting to one or the other in every situation that makes the most sense.
Where snap judgments have to be made it isn't the 'leader' it's the one more able that makes them.

I don't claim a perfect relationship--far far from it. This part though? This part works and has for a very long time.

 

[LWulf]

I've said "turn left here" and he's turned left. Other times I've said "we need to take this exit" and been told that it was the next one. That stuff is 50/50 because often it takes both of us to sort it out.

You missed my point. You tell him your opinion to turn. He makes the decision to turn or not. He weighs what you say, but ultimately he makes the decision of which way to go.
Who is right or not is immaterial.

You don't drive down the road with both in the drivers seat. You don't drive down the road with neither in the driver's seat. One person has to be in the driver's seat. Do you fault the person in the driver's seat for the decisions they made? If you want an argument, sure.

Let me reinforce what I have said which is what I believe Candace is talking about; when there is no clear cut answer on a decision to be made, ONE person has to make the decisions by default. It's best to have that nailed down in advance.

 

[NotHisLady]

You missed my point. You tell him your opinion to turn. He makes the decision to turn or not. He weighs what you say, but ultimately he makes the decision of which way to go.
Who is right or not is immaterial.

You don't drive down the road with both in the drivers seat. You don't drive down the road with neither in the driver's seat. One person has to be in the driver's seat. Do you fault the person in the driver's seat for the decisions they made? If you want an argument, sure.

Let me reinforce what I have said which is what I believe Candace is talking about; when there is no clear cut answer on a decision to be made, ONE person has to make the decisions by default. It's best to have that nailed down in advance.

you're focusing on the one thing that I made an example of a 50/50 decision
yes there are times I decide and he turns or not based on my judgement alone but there are other times that he has a clear plan and follows it. Sometimes it's "tell me where to turn" other times "I got this"
That wasn't the point.
The point was that where decision making can't be shared it's better to default to the person better equipped to deal with the situation at hand rather than some designated hitter who may or may not be the best choice at the moment.
What the celebrity meant or didn't mean had nothing to do with it. I was talking about my own personal view of relationship dynamics and the idea of one leader in all circumstances.
If I had to guess the celebrity probably said what some publicist decided her fans would like best anyway.

 

[jacktar48]

Ummm...I was kind of hoping we could all just offer hints on small or large things that help a relationship work...what makes you happy; what you believe makes your partner happy...

Could we possibly do that without arguing?

(Hint: there are NO wrong answers. Personal preferences only, OK? )

 

[Eilan]

Meh. I don't take sex advice from fundie Christians. I won't listen to Kirk Cameron's anti-science bullshit, either.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Ummm...I was kind of hoping we could all just offer hints on small or large things that help a relationship work...what makes you happy; what you believe makes your partner happy...

Could we possibly do that without arguing?

(Hint: there are NO wrong answers. Personal preferences only, OK? )

Some of mine:

- Do not rely on stereotypes and generalisations to tell you how your relationship should work. I'm talking "Mars and Venus", horoscopes, strangers on Literotica full of relationship advice, all that stuff. Even if what they're saying is good as a generalisation, there's no guarantee that it's true for your specific situation.

Doesn't mean you have to ignore those sources altogether, but don't take them as gospel - stop and think about whether what they say actually matches your experience. So when I read what John Gray has to say about how men and women like to solve problems, and think about the women in my life, I can see it's bullshit and I'm best off ignoring it.

Your #1 source of info on what your partner wants should be your partner.

- Don't expect your partner to be telepathic.

- From one of the few self-help books that I do find useful ("Five Languages of Love"): understand that not everybody expresses or looks for love in the same ways. Try to find out how your partner prefers you to express love, and if you're feeling unloved stop and consider whether they might be showing love through a different channel that you're not paying attention to. (For example: you're waiting to hear them say "I love you" and they're expressing it by cooking your favourite dinner and brushing your hair.)

- Really, telepathy doesn't work.

 

[LadyVer]

That's what I was guessing too. I don't know what it means to her, but I guess it works for them.

Personally I am not a Christian, and I don't want a submissive wife.

I'm a traditionalist Kituwah Cherokee, in as much as I can be one in this society, and as a part of that way of being alive in this world (I hesitate to call it a "religion" as such) I believe women are supposed to be the head of household. Men have other functions. So submissive women, when it comes to household matters, make me uneasy.

It's not my place to advocate this lifestyle for anyone else. I know it's not considered "normal" in this society. I'm just offering a different point of view.

It works for me. That's all I need to know.

Out of curiosity, what are the "other functions" men have in a traditional Kituwah Cherokee relationship?

 

[jacktar48]

Meh. I don't take sex advice from fundie Christians. I won't listen to Kirk Cameron's anti-science bullshit, either.

Oh. I think now I see.

I had never seen either of these people before, and now I'm kind of sorry I saw that picture. I didn't know she was...like that.

Now some comments I had ignored make sense.

One or both of these people may be running for political office next. Guess which party?

But at least she says it's OK to enjoy sex, even at times when you aren't trying to become pregnant.

So let's just make this about what normal people think is helpful in their relationships, shall we?

 

[jacktar48]

Some of mine:

- Do not rely on stereotypes and generalisations to tell you how your relationship should work. I'm talking "Mars and Venus", horoscopes, strangers on Literotica full of relationship advice, all that stuff. Even if what they're saying is good as a generalisation, there's no guarantee that it's true for your specific situation.

Doesn't mean you have to ignore those sources altogether, but don't take them as gospel - stop and thinkabout whether what they say actually matches your experience. So when I read what John Gray has to say about how men and women like to solve problems, and think about the women in my life, I can see it's bullshit and I'm best off ignoring it.

Your #1 source of info on what your partner wants should be your partner.

- Don't expect your partner to be telepathic.

- From one of the few self-help books that I do find useful ("Five Languages of Love"): understand that not everybody expresses or looks for love in the same ways. Try to find out how your partner prefers you to express love, and if you're feeling unloved stop and consider whether they might be showing love through a different channel that you're not paying attention to. (For example: you're waiting to hear them say "I love you" and they're expressing it by cooking your favourite dinner and brushing your hair.)

- Really, telepathy doesn't work.

Just what I was looking for! Thanks.

And I whole-heartedly agree with you.

 

[jacktar48]

Out of curiosity, what are the "other functions" men have in a traditional Kituwah Cherokee relationship?

Well, if anyone needs killing, the men are generally expected to take care of that.

Although with women like my cousin Darlene, sometimes they take care of that sort of thing themselves too.

Other things:

Heavy work that requires more brawn than brains.

Providing meat as needed. (No pun intended, but yeah; that too.)

Home and village defense.

Construction.

Teaching the nephews how to behave.

Fishing.

Male ceremonial functions; preservation of traditional lore.

Story-telling.

Making the women feel loved and appreciated.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Seriously? She can't possibly understand relationships because she maintains a fundamentalist christian viewpoint?

meanwhile, on the boards, it's hot to see women crawling on their knees with fake tails tucked into their backsides.

this place never ceases to amaze me.

 

[jacktar48]

Seriously? She can't possibly understand relationships because she maintains a fundamentalist christian viewpoint?

meanwhile, on the boards, it's hot to see women crawling on their knees with fake tails tucked into their backsides.

this place never ceases to amaze me.

Sigh.

I am willing to assume that she knows what works for her.

But I'm also aware that, as a fundamentalist, she is prone to trying to force her "values" on everyone else, even if she doesn't practice what she preaches.

Did everyone but me know all the details about this couple? I don't watch TV, and if I did, I certainly would not watch "Dancing With the Stars." So that's why I was ignorant enough to look at the picture and the headline and think it might be fun to collect some input from other people.

Sigh.