Merelan
Lady's Love
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2000
- Posts
- 10,812
I took a long hot soak and then a quick chilly shower to wake up. I hadn't meant to soak that long. But it felt good just to float. Float, that's all I had been doing since he died. Just floating through things.
I checked the clock. One already. I decided better get dressed and set the table, though, maybe we would eat on the back porch. It depended on how chilly it was. The fall evenings were upon us. And though it had a beautiful view of the hills, it could get nippy. The dinding room had a full glass door that offered the view too, so, maybe better there.
I wrapped a denim skirt around me, smiling. They were out of style now, but I loved them, and who cared. I pulled on a cream cardigan and buttoned it up, one further then normal. He was my pastor after all.
Though young, and handsome. Dedicated to his calling. But boring sometimes. So afraid to let go and give the congragation what for. They deserved it, the spiteful things. But again, I didn't want him to get that fake evangelical atittude either. Oh well. He was new here, and trying to prove himself. I liked him, liked what he had to say. When he left the written sermon and went off on a tangent, using his own heart to speak, he captured me. he would learn.
I looked in the mirror again. Not bad for a thirty something lady. I needed to firm up though, I was letting myself go. But, what was thr point. Who would notice, who would care. My head hung as I thought about the men I came in contact with. Very limited this life was. I longed to go out and be with people. Yet, they never knew what to say. If I laughed too loud I was betraying his memory. If I smiled at a man, they thought I was cheating on his love for me. It wasn't fair. Besides, they were all enraptured by the sweet young things with enhanced breasts and puffy lips. Great, now I was being catty. What kind of a cruel God would leave me like this. There was a conversation starter with Pastor. No. I would be a good little girl, and behave.
I stayed barefoot, hating the thought of getting too stiff and formal. Setting the table I used my special dishes and even brought in a few leaves and twigs from outside. i dried them and artistically arranged them in the center, using a couple candles that looked like birch bark as the focal point.
I pulled the roast out and moved the vegetables over to the serving bowl. Letting the roast settle. I whipped up the gravy and tossed the salad. Looking around I thought of dessert. Would he want something? Checking the freezer I was dismayed. I had finished off the ice cream a couple days ago, and hadn't done any baking in awhile. The cold from the freezer hardened my nipples. Dessert, I could give him dessert. Shut that thought out Nadia. Right now.
I lit a few more candles, checked the bathroom for fresh washcloths and then settled on the couch with the book from earlier. Tense. I was too tense.
I poured a glass of wine and returned to the couch. There. I wasn't allowed to get up till he rang the bell. That would keep me from fussing too much.
I checked the clock. One already. I decided better get dressed and set the table, though, maybe we would eat on the back porch. It depended on how chilly it was. The fall evenings were upon us. And though it had a beautiful view of the hills, it could get nippy. The dinding room had a full glass door that offered the view too, so, maybe better there.
I wrapped a denim skirt around me, smiling. They were out of style now, but I loved them, and who cared. I pulled on a cream cardigan and buttoned it up, one further then normal. He was my pastor after all.
Though young, and handsome. Dedicated to his calling. But boring sometimes. So afraid to let go and give the congragation what for. They deserved it, the spiteful things. But again, I didn't want him to get that fake evangelical atittude either. Oh well. He was new here, and trying to prove himself. I liked him, liked what he had to say. When he left the written sermon and went off on a tangent, using his own heart to speak, he captured me. he would learn.
I looked in the mirror again. Not bad for a thirty something lady. I needed to firm up though, I was letting myself go. But, what was thr point. Who would notice, who would care. My head hung as I thought about the men I came in contact with. Very limited this life was. I longed to go out and be with people. Yet, they never knew what to say. If I laughed too loud I was betraying his memory. If I smiled at a man, they thought I was cheating on his love for me. It wasn't fair. Besides, they were all enraptured by the sweet young things with enhanced breasts and puffy lips. Great, now I was being catty. What kind of a cruel God would leave me like this. There was a conversation starter with Pastor. No. I would be a good little girl, and behave.
I stayed barefoot, hating the thought of getting too stiff and formal. Setting the table I used my special dishes and even brought in a few leaves and twigs from outside. i dried them and artistically arranged them in the center, using a couple candles that looked like birch bark as the focal point.
I pulled the roast out and moved the vegetables over to the serving bowl. Letting the roast settle. I whipped up the gravy and tossed the salad. Looking around I thought of dessert. Would he want something? Checking the freezer I was dismayed. I had finished off the ice cream a couple days ago, and hadn't done any baking in awhile. The cold from the freezer hardened my nipples. Dessert, I could give him dessert. Shut that thought out Nadia. Right now.
I lit a few more candles, checked the bathroom for fresh washcloths and then settled on the couch with the book from earlier. Tense. I was too tense.
I poured a glass of wine and returned to the couch. There. I wasn't allowed to get up till he rang the bell. That would keep me from fussing too much.
