open ended relationship/ threesome advice

[grnclover]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years now and are looking to add a little spice to our relationship. I am bisexual and very attracted to women and wanted to experiment some with them and suggested threesomes as something new we could do but he suggested a complete open ended relationship where he can have sex with other women and I can do as I wish as well.
After thinking about it, I became very confused because I am not usually a jealous person ,but the thought of him going and having sex without me involved at all really upset me. The ringer is having another woman in OUR relationship would not bother me at all. If she was there to please both of us and us to please her, then if they were to go do their own thing without me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.
For him, the open ended suggestion was mostly just because he misses the original "chase" of a relationship, the wondering "will she let me do this", how will she react if I put this there" etc. Things he knows my answer to... We decided that through the threesome we could both get what we want without me being uncomfortable and are going to try this out...

What I was wanting advice and answers on was-
How to find women willing to have threesomes who are at least a bit caring (we don't have many friends)?

Any help with figuring out why I am ok with the threesomes but not his version of open ended sex (maybe people's own stories could help because I'm truly confused as to why it bothers me so much)?

How does it feel to share your man or woman (both perspectives I suppose)?

Let me know your input please and also, sorry for writing so much I just wanted to give the full situation so my questions made more sense.

 

[SweetErika]

Are you talking about a threesome in the sense that the three of you just have no-strings-attached sex together once or infrequently?

Or, are you looking for an ongoing relationship with the other woman, at least on the basis that you enjoy doing things together outside of the bedroom, that includes sex? Perhaps something that could develop into a caring relationship between the three of you (a triad)?

 

[Mindyvixen]

The only place I can think of where you could find another woman is a swingers club. There are couples and singles of both sexes there. You are ok with the 3somes and not the open ended sex because you are the one willing to do something to please him(have another woman join in). You are not ok about him going and having sex with whoever he wants because you are not there and are no part of it. You are willing to give him the threesome and that is still not good enough for him..he still wants to sleep around..if you are not comfortable with that(I don't blame you), then call it quits with him. Why even try and please him..doesn't sound like he is trying to please you...

 

[grnclover]

More of a triad I presume. Something where there is caring but boundaries between our relationship (mine and his) and the threesome relationship. I would not mind a new add in that is there quite a bit.

He will not sleep with another girl without my permission and does look to please me it's just this is a fantasy of his- having the chase again? To other guys feel like they miss this once they have been with someone for a while?

Thanks for the responses

 

[Bandit58]

A couple of threads you might find interesting:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=564562

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=565028

What I was wanting advice and answers on was-
How to find women willing to have threesomes who are at least a bit caring (we don't have many friends)?

We found a lovely lady on a personals site but we had to do a LOT of searching to find her. Be prepared for timewasters, guys pretending to be women, and fakes.

Any help with figuring out why I am ok with the threesomes but not his version of open ended sex (maybe people's own stories could help because I'm truly confused as to why it bothers me so much)?

I'm guessing, but it's probably insecurity. You have to be very secure in your relationship before you even think about bringing in a third party. If he goes off and does his own thing without you, it's like a form of cheating (even though you know about it, you don't know the other woman....maybe he'll decide he likes her better than you....yes we women get funny thoughts sometimes!

How does it feel to share your man or woman (both perspectives I suppose)?

He is perfectly fine with me having my one on one with my female friend - he even drops me off at her place When we have a threesome with our other friend, I love him and me pleasuring her together (and so does she lol). He doesn't have penetrative sex with her just oral (him to her) and fingering. He also loves watching us females together. I know she doesn't want him for herself, or to move in with us (there's no room for a third here anyway). We see it as an extension of our sex life, it's not every week or even every month.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. I know that if I ever start becoming uncomfortable with anything, that it will cease immediately. Our primary relationship is much more important than a bit of on the side sexual fun.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for clarifying. As you can imagine, a sex threesome and a triad relationship are two very different things.

For him, the open ended suggestion was mostly just because he misses the original "chase" of a relationship, the wondering "will she let me do this", how will she react if I put this there" etc. Things he knows my answer to... We decided that through the threesome we could both get what we want without me being uncomfortable and are going to try this out...

I'm curious as to why he doesn't seem to see a thrill in pursuing another woman together. All of the "new relationship energy" (good feelings, excitement, lust, etc.) is still there, and he'll certainly get to experience a different woman's responses and characteristics in a threesome.

How to find women willing to have threesomes who are at least a bit caring (we don't have many friends)?

That's a tough one. I'd say define what you want and can offer while being flexible (especially on physical characteristics, age, her relationship status, etc. - you've got to be willing to negotiate) and then look for sex-positive people locally and through online personals. You have A LOT of competition, and there aren't a lot of women who are willing to enter something like this, so you really need to put yourselves out there and give potential mates a picture (an attractive AND honest picture!) of what you can offer them. Put yourselves in their shoes and ask the tough questions - why do they want YOU specifically, as opposed to another couple?

Swinging can be a good place to start IF you're okay with sex alone, the health issue and being flexible (e.g. having another guy there, just the guys watch the girls, etc.). There aren't a ton of single females in swinging, and those who are there are highly sought after by other couples, so you have to be open. But, yeah, it can be a good place to find other people who are into easy sex, and perhaps friendship, with emotional boundaries.

For more flexible boundaries (e.g. respect, but some kind of emotional connection), you might look into polyamory people and groups in your area. Google is your friend.

You're going to have to invest time and effort, no matter what route you take. Prepare for that, and to be very patient. It's better to find the right person than the easiest person.

Any help with figuring out why I am ok with the threesomes but not his version of open ended sex (maybe people's own stories could help because I'm truly confused as to why it bothers me so much)?

Probably for the same reason I am right now: fear of the unknown. When you're all together or involved in the relationship, you know what she's like, ideally have mutual trust and respect and can see what's going on so you can object or get out if you don't like it. In separate relationships, you may not know the other person well, and/or may be afraid they'll effectively "run off" together behind your back. You can't keep an eye on the level of intimacy that's developing, and may be left sitting at home wondering what's going on while he's off fucking or on dates with other women.

Some can handle it, others can't. My husband doesn't have a problem with me having another relationship, but I'm just not there yet in regards to him doing the same. For me, a lot of it has to do with self-esteem and insecurity issues, so that may be something to look into.


Your posts scare me a bit because I see that you want to define emotional boundaries, but it doesn't seem like you realize that's a nearly impossible goal. Once people open themselves up to feelings being involved, those feelings can, and often do, progress into deep intimacy and love. In a triad, one of you may have a deeper connection or attraction with the other woman, which may leave the other feeling slighted and left out and jealous.

I don't mean to discourage you, but these are all things you need to think and talk carefully about. Discuss the worst-case scenarios in depth and how you'll handle them. What will you do if he gets the other woman pregnant, one of you falls in love with her, or she tries to sabotage your relationship, or one of you becomes jealous and destructive?

That said, it can be better than you ever imagined and closing yourself off to emotion definitely limits the possibilities. It's a balance of risk and reward, comfort and going out on a limb, thinking and feeling. Discussing the good and bad possibilities will reveal a lot and give you much more to explore and discuss. You have to be honest about the strength of your relationship and make sure it's as solid as possible before you venture into nonmonogamy. If you don't, it's not fair to bring another person into it in ANY capacity.

 

[grnclover]

thanks for all the advice... It helps, I'm going to think on this more and talk more to him before we go any further. I'll let you know how it turns out