Opinions Please-BF is asexual

[silvermoon_]

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[Shadow Thief]

While it hasn't been nearly as long for me, I know how you feel. Why do those of us with raging sex drives always end up with someone with little or none?

I've got problems of my own right now, but if you need to vent to someone, I'm only a PM away.

 

[koalabear]

time to move on............

 

[brandylyn1973]

try to communicate, but if that doesn;t work... perhaps separate for a time absence makes heart grow fonder they say..

 

[gregy70]

i agree

 

[LadyAria]

Dump BF. Move south. Fuck me.

 

[brandylyn1973]

Dump BF. Move south. Fuck me.

that'd work too

 

[LadyAria]

that'd work too

I try.

I'm good with a strap-on. She'd get a full service guarantee.

 

[BradBigBrain]

I agree it's time to move on. 4 days would be too much for me. 4 months would be out of the question. 4 years is unfathomable.

 

[PhDinSB]

it seems that everyone thinks the answer is obvious. good for you for keeping at it for so long, but he's being a selfish prick (i guess the pun is intended)...move on...this can only lead to infidelity on your part and that's not good for everyone involved.

 

[iciclely]

He cant expect you to be without any form of affection just because he has no sex drive that is just selfish, either move on or get yourself a good vibrator! Good luck

 

[wally2450]

I would give him a timeline to seek some professional psychological/medical help and if not, consider moving on.

 

[Shadow Thief]

Not to hijack the thread or change the subject, but I wanted to thank Silvermoon for talking to me. Sorry it ended up being me talking most of the time, when you have things on your mind too.

I'm feeling a little better than I was, but still hurting quite a bit. Hopefully next time we chat, I'll be in a better mood.

 

[silvermoon_]

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[silvermoon_]

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[silvermoon_]

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[silvermoon_]

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[Azuldrgon]

First of all, Silvermoon, i am sorry you are goin through this. I can only imagine how hard it is and how you must feel.

That being said, I think the best idea is to search within yourself to discover what is more important for you in order for you to be happy. You two seems to share the same interests and everything. This might be exactly what makes you happy.
But then there is the lack of sex. In any marriage, sex is not just a pleasurable experience, but also an expectation. Part of me thinks that maybe he is as asexual as you say although a littler part tells me that there may be something medically wrong or psychologically. Maybe there was some sort of sexually related trauma or something.
I wish you luck because like most things in life, there is no easy answer to this.

 

[silvermoon_]

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[Azuldrgon]

To PhDinSB, wally , icicley, brandylyn, koalabear, gregy70 and others who'll pop up while writing this..

Thank you. You guys are all right. Something's gotta give!

The real question is will this be a deal breaker?

I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex again, but I know you have needs and he has the best chance to fulfill them.

What are the other qualities that make him a good fit for you? Do they outweigh the downside of his lack of desire?
Again, no easy answers. Hugs!!

 

[blondboy]

It's a very difficult question - my wife is like your bf, no sex drive but I know a lot of it is to do with her upbringing and depression -

However, I love her and I wouldn't leave her if she broke her arm, so I wouldn't leave her just because something else was dsyfunctional when it is outside her control -

I just try and cope - she would not/could not tolerate an open relationship so I just have to manage as best I can - not easy with my sex drive.......

We have gone 2 years without any sex although we have tried, somewhat unsuccessfully this year - I'm so used to being told to stop that i have trouble maintaining my erection with her although at any other time it refuses to go down!!

Thank God for porn + PM's and being able to masturbate for hours before I cum - she goes to sleep early LOL

 

[silvermoon_]

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[PertPerth]

Oh you poor thing, Silvermoon.
I definitely think that a friendship is so important in a relationship - don't lose him just because he has no sex drive.

He needs to know that you NEED sex, you NEED to be touched, kissed and wanted by him. He might not get horny or want sex, but I'd like to think that he still want you to be happy. You could try to make sex dates (perhaps once a week) with him. The only problem is that he's got to WANT to please you. If he feels too pressured to perform - don't push him. Just enjoy the kisses and being naked together. It might be enough, and it's certainly better than nothing or losing someone you love.

I hope you can work things out.

 

[AboutFace]

It's one thing if it were your husband and there were children to consider. I think that I would let him know how I felt - that I couldn't live without sex. Let him know that you are friends, and would remain so - but that you need either a sexual/intimate relationship with him or someone else. If he can't do that, he really has left you no choice but to pack up and leave. It won't be easy, but you can't live forever being personally unhappy.

(personally - I couldn't live 4 years)

Good luck!

 

[SimpleGifts]

I'm with AF...there's no shame in loving him. There's no shame in feeling that he's the best thing that's happened to you so far. The operative term there is "so far." Right now, you are settling for a relationship that is great but doesn't give you everything, and in doing so foreclosing on even the opportunity to find something that gives you everything. That's a huge opportunity cost.

Even if you break up with him, you can still love him, maybe he can find a way to be part of your life. But clearly, you are to some extent a sexual being (unlike him) and denying yourself sex is denying that part of your nature...and therefore, you can look forward to a lifetime of being dissatisfied because you can't be all that you are. Imagine living the rest of your life that way, and then looking back and knowing that you will never experience what you wanted and missed.

The alternative is, you can look for a "complete" relationship and it's true, you may never find it...but at least you will have given it your best shot, and probably met some worthwhile people along the way, rather than knowing that you were too afraid to even try.

Unless there is some huge obligation or commitment that cannot be broken...let him find someone who will be happy with an asexual mate. You're not happy with him being asexual and you're not happy with yourself being asexual...so if you stay with him, you BOTH lose out. Where's the sense in that?

Whatever you decide, good luck and bon courage.

SG