I feel for you pollyjean. My parents had a hard time dealing with it at first when I came out (not as bad as what you're describing though), but they learned to accept it over time and even be happy for me. I wouldn't try making ultimatums though, that doesn't sound like it would help in this situation. It's not something that you can force or rush, they have to decide for themselves whether or not they can deal with it. Just let them know that you love them and still want them to be a part of your life.
Parents not understanding.
- Thread starter pollyjean
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Bitchslapper said:
Hmm I didn't think that is where you were going. But trust me I was having a hard time the night I told them. And did not know how to tell them. Well it turned out that my mom noticed anyways and asked what is going on between us. So the love we have for each other is in our eyes and everyone who meets us can tell.
And besides the one and only rule I have in my life is I NEVER LIE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ANYONE WHO DOES.
I hope that one day I can also say it got better for me over time.
Bitchslapper
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I told you you weren't going to like my advice!
Your options are quite obvious here. You knew they weren't going to like it before you told them. So IMO your options were:
1. To tell them and if they couldn't deal with it, then it would be less stressful for all if you didn't have anything more to do with them (or whichever parent is not able to deal with it, and I think that's the father in this case, I'm not sure).
2. Or you could tell them, and you could put up with them anyway. But I really don't see what good that would do. There's nothing you can do or say that will make them any happier (or rather, any less unhappy).
3. Or you could not have told them and they'd figure it out anyway, or not. Either way, in that case you would be of the opinion that it's none of thier business. After all, you're an adult. You can do whatever you want in the bounds of the law. And it wouldn't be "living a lie" (which I must say is emotionally loaded and prejudicial wording), because you wouldn't care one way or the other. If they figured it out, fine. If they didn't, even better, because you wouldn't have to deal with it anyway. Another contigency that relates to this third option is to break off ties with them, then it would be of little consequence either way.
Now of course, none of that is any use to you, because you're beyond all that now. So since you're "out" to them, IMO your options are actually these:
1. As I said, you can tell them (or him) to fuck off if they/he can't deal with it (perhaps in more subtle language). But I don't think you'd be willing to do that. So...
2. You could just put up with thier (or his) comments and snickers and dirty looks or whatever they do. It would be nice if they could accept you for who you are and accept your SO and maybe even be friends with her...
But ours is certainly not a perfect world. And of course, the plain and simple truth is rarely plain and never simple, what goes around comes around, you can't have your cake and eat it too, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, kill two birds with one stone, Not complete is your training, Luke. If now face Vader you do, only suffering will your friends know...etc.
Your options are quite obvious here. You knew they weren't going to like it before you told them. So IMO your options were:
1. To tell them and if they couldn't deal with it, then it would be less stressful for all if you didn't have anything more to do with them (or whichever parent is not able to deal with it, and I think that's the father in this case, I'm not sure).
2. Or you could tell them, and you could put up with them anyway. But I really don't see what good that would do. There's nothing you can do or say that will make them any happier (or rather, any less unhappy).
3. Or you could not have told them and they'd figure it out anyway, or not. Either way, in that case you would be of the opinion that it's none of thier business. After all, you're an adult. You can do whatever you want in the bounds of the law. And it wouldn't be "living a lie" (which I must say is emotionally loaded and prejudicial wording), because you wouldn't care one way or the other. If they figured it out, fine. If they didn't, even better, because you wouldn't have to deal with it anyway. Another contigency that relates to this third option is to break off ties with them, then it would be of little consequence either way.
Now of course, none of that is any use to you, because you're beyond all that now. So since you're "out" to them, IMO your options are actually these:
1. As I said, you can tell them (or him) to fuck off if they/he can't deal with it (perhaps in more subtle language). But I don't think you'd be willing to do that. So...
2. You could just put up with thier (or his) comments and snickers and dirty looks or whatever they do. It would be nice if they could accept you for who you are and accept your SO and maybe even be friends with her...
But ours is certainly not a perfect world. And of course, the plain and simple truth is rarely plain and never simple, what goes around comes around, you can't have your cake and eat it too, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, kill two birds with one stone, Not complete is your training, Luke. If now face Vader you do, only suffering will your friends know...etc.
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Netzach
>semiotics?
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It's harsh but there are people who are never ever ever going to get it.
And the only way to find out is to wait and give them time. Accept that they may never get there.
Acceptance is a two-way street, I think. We all want to grow up and for our parents to be cheering on the sidelines of everything, happy and content and rah rahing for their princess....believe me, I wanted it too...
but part of growing up can be allowing them not to approve. Can be that critical moment of doing what makes you happy without that approval.
It's painful, it's difficult, but it defnines maturity for me. It's called having your own values. And as much as you have that right they have the same right. Unfortunate that the images some parents construct around how they want their kids to be overshadows reality sometimes....to me, that's immature, to hold onto what you want a child to be over loving who they are. Maybe he'll figure it out, maybe he'll continue to make what I think is the biggest mistake a parent could make...
but it's his to make.
I don't think you shouldn't have told them, I disagree there. If you thought they needed to know, they did, and it's a good brave choice to come out when you know the upshot of it may suck.
And it's sucking. And I hope they come to their senses, realize what they are cheating themselves of, and wise up.
And the only way to find out is to wait and give them time. Accept that they may never get there.
Acceptance is a two-way street, I think. We all want to grow up and for our parents to be cheering on the sidelines of everything, happy and content and rah rahing for their princess....believe me, I wanted it too...
but part of growing up can be allowing them not to approve. Can be that critical moment of doing what makes you happy without that approval.
It's painful, it's difficult, but it defnines maturity for me. It's called having your own values. And as much as you have that right they have the same right. Unfortunate that the images some parents construct around how they want their kids to be overshadows reality sometimes....to me, that's immature, to hold onto what you want a child to be over loving who they are. Maybe he'll figure it out, maybe he'll continue to make what I think is the biggest mistake a parent could make...
but it's his to make.
I don't think you shouldn't have told them, I disagree there. If you thought they needed to know, they did, and it's a good brave choice to come out when you know the upshot of it may suck.
And it's sucking. And I hope they come to their senses, realize what they are cheating themselves of, and wise up.
Bitchslapper
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Netzach said:
I agree with your post, but I would like to point out that what I said was an oversimplification of my opinion to get the ball rolling, and kind of a joke.
