Polyamory - Unknown outcome

[Frosty7781]

Hi everyone, I (M) started out my relationship with my current partner (F) as a poly V dynamic. My partner being the hinge. Well things went sideways and it ended up just being the hinge and I. We had discussed poly is not a good fit for us at that time. Fast-forward (3yrs) to present and my partner has begun a "friendship" that is looking more and more like she'll be asking to re-open our relationship. This has brought up a lot of mixed feelings and somewhat frustrated with how this came about. I'm an understanding person so I'm seeing how things play out but will be in for more heart ache and then have to make some difficult choices. It's a little scary to think about entering into the dating world again if it comes to that. We'll see how this goes.

 

[Imakewetspots]

I have always been fascinated by the poly dynamic and how it plays out in real life.

As a guy, I guess I love the idea of being allowed to develop new relationships when you meet someone you have amazing chemistry with but I also recognize there’s a little bit of possessiveness and jealousy in me. Not a lot, but enough that I could see myself stewing once in a while when some other guy was getting in my way. But I’d have to remind myself it goes both ways.

I guess from my perspective, it takes special personalities to make a poly relationship work well. At least that’s how it appears to me from the outside.

 

[Frosty7781]

I have always been fascinated by the poly dynamic and how it plays out in real life.

As a guy, I guess I love the idea of being allowed to develop new relationships when you meet someone you have amazing chemistry with but I also recognize there’s a little bit of possessiveness and jealousy in me. Not a lot, but enough that I could see myself stewing once in a while when some other guy was getting in my way. But I’d have to remind myself it goes both ways.

I guess from my perspective, it takes special personalities to make a poly relationship work well. At least that’s how it appears to me from the outside.

I've been doing the whole reading the books and articles about polyamory. Trying to familiarize myself better. There's certain aspects even if not engaging in polyamory that can be helpful to the monogamous person. Jealousy is a big thing as a monogamous person is brought up to think their partner is there for all their needs. When a partner does something without there partner we can sometimes have feelings that maybe we aren't not fulfilling enough for the other person. However our partners come to a relationship with a different perspective that we fall in love with. Those differences sometimes get stifled as we make choices one example is that we don't have the time for this now because our partner is has other obligations. It can be balanced in monogamy but for myself I didn't really have a understanding of this until looking into polyamory. The ideals about polyamory helped me to focus more on my own needs so that I am able to represent them to my partner and then make choices. There is discomfort but like in any relationship type being able to have discussions about it is so important and for us to look into a potential root within ourselves as many of us out there have unresolved issues we have been unable to confront.

 

[Imakewetspots]

That all makes perfect sense.

I know we are each a product of our sum life experiences and at the age of 55, I have more experiences behind me than in front of me. I like to think I am pretty good at looking at myself critically and examining aspects of myself I want to change. If my wife suddenly approached me with this idea, it would excite me in many ways but I’d also have to spend some time reconditioning myself to process everything differently.

I could be mistaken but it seems to me the younger generation will adapt and/or embrace the poly world better because they don’t have a lifetime of habits and social pressures to unpack.

 

[MsK2021]

Jealousy, or disagreement, doesn't have to be negative as long as it's not toxic.​

It could even intensify the erotic feelings between the partners. It could be used for exploring and exercising or making adjustments on how our minds want to deal with it. or it could be a challenge for the relationship(s) to penetrate into a deeper level. One may discover something never thought about before. ​

Of course, one could fall from the walk on the tight rope, but it's ultimately still up to the individual to decide whether to stand up or what to think.​

 

[Frosty7781]

I think it's valid for older generations as well to deconstruct all those built up viewpoints that can be toxic. Understandable that the ingrained programming we have is that much harder to work on but everything takes work

My partner talks about how she feels excitement about the idea of me having another person to be affectionate with while also having feelings that can be described as abandonment. I have similar thoughts as well. Her potential new partner while working together was extremely interested in her. She would come home talking and being excited about all the cool things that was talked about. Now after changing jobs she hardly hears from this guy and I feel sad for her and annoyed with that other guy. All the while also fearing that I would be abandoned as she was so excited about him. It's a strong emotion that I feared would be the end of me. I was able to ride through it (journaling and listening to music (singing/screaming along) are my go to) and have a deep conversation with my partner afterwards. She's still not where that potential relationship will lead but I'm less concerned about that and just enjoying being present with her.

 

[MsK2021]

I think it's valid for older generations as well to deconstruct all those built up viewpoints that can be toxic. Understandable that the ingrained programming we have is that much harder to work on but everything takes work

We frequently hear people say “ I changed my mind”. So the mind can be changed ! It can be changed from being unhappy to being happy. It can be changed as easy as the way you switch the light switch. How? Just change it by what you think.....sounds funny and trivial? Be dead serious. Example: when one feels sorry for oneself, just think of other people who are in a worse situation. Just the mere thought of it could make one feel more fortunate than others are (in the sublime sense).

And you've found out our minds had been programmed. It must be tough if anybody tries to “deconstruct all those built up viewpoints“ in the collective mind, but each individual person is free to manage one's own mind and have a decent inner life facing the chaos on the outside.

Do I sound funny?
welcome

 

[Frosty7781]

Definitely agree with you, we all are very much capable of change. You sound very knowledgeable, maybe I'm missing the reference.

I've found that the book "Anxious person guide to non-monogamy" by Lola Phoenix to be very helpful to address some of my current issues I've been confronted with in my relationship.

 

[Frosty7781]

If things do end up going in the direction of opening up. This isn't necessarily how I would have liked it to start but when in life does anything actually goes as you imagined it. I tore myself up over the passed few weeks trying to figure out what will happen. Dealing with abandonment issues and a variety of other fears. I've talked to my partner on multiple occasions and I've come away thinking that I'm afraid and that if it Is have to make a difficult decision that I may not be able to do it. In those discussions with my partner it was a means of enacting control over my emotions rather than to feel them. As if I was afraid they would destroy me. All this being said if she wants to open up our relationship then I'll agree. The rest in unknown and that's ok, because one thing has held true during all of this is that my partner and I have been able to talk and figure out the big stuff. Whatever happens, we will figure out what works and what doesn't.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

If things do end up going in the direction of opening up. This isn't necessarily how I would have liked it to start but when in life does anything actually goes as you imagined it. I tore myself up over the passed few weeks trying to figure out what will happen. Dealing with abandonment issues and a variety of other fears. I've talked to my partner on multiple occasions and I've come away thinking that I'm afraid and that if it Is have to make a difficult decision that I may not be able to do it. In those discussions with my partner it was a means of enacting control over my emotions rather than to feel them. As if I was afraid they would destroy me. All this being said if she wants to open up our relationship then I'll agree. The rest in unknown and that's ok, because one thing has held true during all of this is that my partner and I have been able to talk and figure out the big stuff. Whatever happens, we will figure out what works and what doesn't.

Well it sounds like you have a great relationship with your partner.
My advice is to feel your emotions as they are what you are feeling in the moment. You can control your actions though, but be honest with yourself and feel the emotion.
We often overact so like you have been doing, don't decide anything right away, take the time and communicate. I am the queen of over reacting myself, so I have to be in control of my reactions and "mull" it over.

Look at it (opening the relationship) as just like going out to a movie. It's entertainment, feels good to get out and enjoy yourself, movies make you feel emotions. But when the movie is over you go home and return to life again, but hopefully happier that you had a good time while out.

 

[Frosty7781]

Well it sounds like you have a great relationship with your partner.
My advice is to feel your emotions as they are what you are feeling in the moment. You can control your actions though, but be honest with yourself and feel the emotion.
We often overact so like you have been doing, don't decide anything right away, take the time and communicate. I am the queen of over reacting myself, so I have to be in control of my reactions and "mull" it over.

Look at it (opening the relationship) as just like going out to a movie. It's entertainment, feels good to get out and enjoy yourself, movies make you feel emotions. But when the movie is over you go home and return to life again, but hopefully happier that you had a good time while out.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

It is difficult to feel your feelings at times, especially when they can come on so strong. This journey still continues and I was less affected by my partners latest interaction with this other guy. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. We'll see. Basically took the information as it was presented to me and felt the emotion. After some time my partner and I talked about this. Mostly she is still trying to figure out if this guy is going to be worth any more effort.

You have an interesting thought regarding how to envision opening up the relationship. Haven't heard it mentioned like that and in someways it is very refreshing. Thank you for this insight.

This is going to be one interesting New Year.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

It is difficult to feel your feelings at times, especially when they can come on so strong. This journey still continues and I was less affected by my partners latest interaction with this other guy. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. We'll see. Basically took the information as it was presented to me and felt the emotion. After some time my partner and I talked about this. Mostly she is still trying to figure out if this guy is going to be worth any more effort.

You have an interesting thought regarding how to envision opening up the relationship. Haven't heard it mentioned like that and in someways it is very refreshing. Thank you for this insight.

This is going to be one interesting New Year.

Well the older I get I see things differently, my perspective has changed I guess. And maybe it's good and maybe it's bad...time will tell.
Good luck!

 

[Frosty7781]

It's been awhile since I've added to this since there hadn't been any significant changes to my relationship. That kinda changed over the weekend. My partner has finally acknowledged that what she has going on is more than a friend only relationship. That it's deeper and more connected. We had a hard and difficult conversation around all of this. She also acknowledged that she is poly and could not just not be poly. I agreed that we both knew she was poly from the beginning and that it was a matter of time. It's not ideal the timing the situation etc. We are moving towards opening up. Delving deeper into the various books, podcasts, etc and will both be doing therapy with poly friendly therapists as well. There will be a lot of work ahead for both of us. Checking in with each other. Trying to make sure that we are communicating as best as we can. I don't plan on jumping right into dating any time soon. Knowing it is an option relieves some of the weirdness and strain that was there. Both extremely nervous and excited for the future.

 

[Britva415]

So, she has already gone beyond “just friends” with this other person, and didn’t say so until after the fact?

What else will she do without involving you in the decision, later?

Honestly, this situation sounds to me like she’s going to do whatever she wants with or without your blessing, and you can put up with it or bail out. It also sounds like you only want to open the relationship so that you don’t have to end it.

Is it worth it?

 

[Frosty7781]

So, she has already gone beyond “just friends” with this other person, and didn’t say so until after the fact?

What else will she do without involving you in the decision, later?

Honestly, this situation sounds to me like she’s going to do whatever she wants with or without your blessing, and you can put up with it or bail out. It also sounds like you only want to open the relationship so that you don’t have to end it.

Is it worth

 

[Frosty7781]

Those are valid questions.



My partner relayed what she was feeling and experiencing I think in the most honest way that she could at the time. She believed that things could be maintained as a friendship rather than anything more. I raised my concerns that this was not going to end up working. As we see above in the previous posts that yes indeed things would not be be able to stay friends.



One of the biggest questions I have is when do we start thinking of a friendship as something more...



I think at some point in time she will have more freedom to do things that will not be dependent on having to come to a decision with me. There are obvious things that given our situation dictate how much time can be given outside our home and relationship and health concerns/safety.



I am willing to open for myself as well. There are certain aspects of my life that I have not fully explored. My preference however would have been to wait until our finances and other obligations in life were more in order.



Thank you for your response.