Q: tips to avoid predators while searching for a Dom?

[2ServeWoman]

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. What I will say is from a personal standpoint the difference between D/s dynamics and harmful predation is consent. If that (predation/prey) is a play dynamic that works for the individuals playing together I can see how one might equate the two. However, I feel like where consent is missing it becomes abuse and otherwise less than “street smart” submissive might find themselves abused and manipulated into things that lack the necessary foundations of safe, sane, and consensual play.

Sometimes through stupidity & desperation, over wantoness & your intense hunger for use can get you into a situation where letting your libido control your stupid & allowing a stranger too much power/control “NEVER” let someone secure you helpless until trust is developed & prevent a torn testicle & intense bruising that didn’t start to fade for 3 weeks!

Although I so miss meeting a woman & she’s as into my nipple pain as I - has me lift my tshirt giving access to them . . . . . So much more craving intense humiliation and select pain that I miss s ouch! I’m older, a born that loves pleasing & amusing a woman in enjoyable & fun ways - it’s all about her!

 

[LaPetitePapillion]

So i am new to BDSM in terms of actively seeking out others who also enjoy it but not so new that I haven’t been researching this off and on for years. I even attended a munch but it didn’t feel, welcoming or safe (can explain later if it’s necessary)

So I switched tactics to find someone online though not necessarily through personals. More like if it came up in the natural progression of conversation I’d feel it out.
Recently met a Litster who identified as a Dom and we talked a bit and I really appreciated their style and what they liked I liked. It was nice until it wasn’t. I wanted to discuss limits. They wanted nudes. I wanted to discuss a natural progression, they demanded absolute submission immediately…and nudes. I was told I had an attitude, but the reality was…I don’t know this person and while I liked their style I’ve read enough and spoken to enough people to recognize they maybe aren’t a Dom and just really want to have sex with women with a lot of pain involved (which I wasn’t adverse too but you know consent is sexy) having an attitude isn’t in my nature. I don’t identify with being a Brat and was genuinely wanting to be a good sub for this person but it didn’t feel right in my gut.

So how do you find a real Dom, when your local community isn’t very welcoming/safe?

It was frustrating to find someone who had a good deal of things I liked but lacked…idk training themselves? Basic manners lol (read: a willingness to build trust and establish rules)

I’m probably saying all this wrong (and I am admittedly a very shy anxious person so even posting this feels like a big step out of my comfort zone but closed mouths don’t get fed) where do you suggest new subs go to find compatible, safe Doms? Are there other threads already talking about this?

Any guidance is greatly appreciated.

Being submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have power or boundaries. The second a “Master” crosses your level of comfort, they have violated the trust pact.

Trust is earned and shouldn’t be easily given away.

What sub could trust a Master who doesn’t respect their “NO”? Would you take that from a non-dominant? It’s that easy. Set boundaries for yourself that shows yourself respect.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The second a “Master” crosses your level of comfort, they have violated the trust pact.

While I do agree with what you write about
having boundaries, being clear about them and making sure they are respected, I think this here is an impossibly high standard to hold people to.
Over time, I think both partners are bound to overstep that line once in a while, in any relationship worth it’s salt.
Even more so in BDSM, where, at least in my experience, part of the fun is exploring the borderlands of that comfort zone.

What sub could trust a Master who doesn’t respect their “NO”?

This is an example where I think there is a difference from a non-dominant in that there are times with your chosen dominant partner when NO doesn’t stop it, hence the safeword. If you mean before they are a chosen partner, I totally agree though.

I think some people do have the idea that submissive means accepting any asinine behaviour from people who call themselves dominant, but I also think there is an attitude these days (now I totally feel like an old ”kids these days”-lady) of ”one strike and you’re out” and to me, that is unreasonable in the other direction.
I mean, who can offer 24/7 perfection?

What is very interesting though, is how someone handles it when they hit that boundary or even overstep a a bit and make their partner uncomfortable and what measures do they take, to not get it wrong where it really matters and isn’t just about discomfort.

 

[LaPetitePapillion]

While I do agree with what you write about
having boundaries, being clear about them and making sure they are respected, I think this here is an impossibly high standard to hold people to.

I mean boundaries in this way- she first meets someone and doesn’t know them. They ask, demand, request …she doesn’t feel right but did it anyway. ~~~Have boundaries for how you deal with these dudes. They could be anyone.

Over time, I think both partners are bound to overstep that line once in a while, in any relationship worth it’s salt.

Key word- over time. My whole point and hers, (if I’m wrong my bad), was dealing with demands before they even start. All good if you like to jump in but she seemed to want something else.

Even more so in BDSM, where, at least in my experience, part of the fun is exploring the borderlands of that comfort zone.



This is an example where I think there is a difference from a non-dominant in that there are times with your chosen dominant partner when NO doesn’t stop it, hence the safeword.

If you mean before they are a chosen partner, I totally agree though.

My reply was in context. Don’t feel affronted that others offered different advice after you. Especially if it is direct and to the point.

I think some people do have the idea that submissive means accepting any asinine behaviour from people who call themselves dominant, but I also think there is an attitude these days (now I totally feel like an old ”kids these days”-lady) of ”one strike and you’re out” and to me, that is unreasonable in the other direction.
I mean, who can offer 24/7 perfection?

My experience is different than yours then. I’ve dealt with guys in Snap, webcam sites, Insta, etc who expect their demands to be instantly answered. The more you deal with this, the easier it is to cut through creepy guys who don’t give a damn about anyone’s needs and will say/do anything for a nut.
Time is precious and I don’t feel obligated to give mine to just any randos selfishness or BS. More sophisticated guys play the long game, true, but they eventually show their real face.

What is very interesting though, is how someone handles it when they hit that boundary or even overstep a a bit and make their partner uncomfortable and what measures do they take, to not get it wrong where it really matters and isn’t just about discomfort.

That relationship hasn’t been established with a no named/faced stranger.

Like I said: trust is earned and shouldn’t be easily given.

On one hand, its nothing and no harm, no foul; on the other, it could seriously hurt you. Psychos and abusers are attracted to easy pickings activities cuz they target victims. I’m telling her to set boundaries about what she will allow a random dude do/say.
Love yourself, respect yourself more than some douche scumbag you don’t know from Adam.

But thanks for your hitting me up with those corrections tho.

 

[IrisAlthea]

My reply was in context. Don’t feel affronted that others offered different advice after you. Especially if it is direct and to the point.

I mean boundaries in this way- she first meets someone and doesn’t know them. They ask, demand, request …she doesn’t feel right but did it anyway. ~~~Have boundaries for how you deal with these dudes. They could be anyone.

We seem to agree about that then.

Don’t feel affronted that others offered different advice after you

I feel totally unaffronted and hope you do too.

My experience is different than yours then. I’ve dealt with guys in Snap, webcam sites, Insta, etc who expect their demands to be instantly answered. The more you deal with this, the easier it is to cut through creepy guys who don’t give a damn about anyone’s needs and will say/do anything for a nut.
Time is precious and I don’t feel obligated to give mine to just any randos selfishness or BS. More sophisticated guys play the long game, true, but they eventually show their real face.

Yes, I think that difference is probably behind a lot of the ”one strike thing”.
I totally get not giving random people who approach you out of the blue any time or attention. ”I saw that you had a vaguely female sounding user name and now I’m interested in x, y and z with you”, is kind of the online version of phone sales people.

I understood MrsPassion as having met the person she had problems with, in a context where she was actively looking for someone though and to me that makes a difference.
As I understood it from later posts though, it was more than just being a bit out of comfort zone in her case, so I was talking more in general in my last post.

That relationship hasn’t been established with a no named/faced stranger.

A random ”wanna chat?”/”this is a pic of my dick”/”get on your knees”? No, certainly not.
If it is someone I decided I might be interested in getting to know though, I’d observe and make notes before deciding. That is a very limited amount of people though, so I guess it is very much about where in the process you make the big sorting out and that in turn depends on your own situation of course.

But yeah, do be careful with things that could seriously harm you.

 

[MrsPassion]

Hi!

Just wanted to pop back on here and say thanks to everyone who has shared. When I intially posted I was still a bit disappointed/confused etc. while I’m a sweetheart by nature I’m also pretty friggin tough so while I came out of the scenario relatively unscathed and boundaries firmly in tact, I was acutely aware of not knowing who to turn too or ask for pointers and so my initial post came from wanting to be brave with a bit of vulnerability in case others were going through something similar and folks here did not disappoint with wisdom and grace and understanding. While people have differing opinions it’s been so helpful to hear them, and the ways in which people have remained civil, even while opposing viewpoints were held, it’s been a thread of great learning and food for thought. You are all such lovely people and so knowledgeable. So thank you for the answers, discourse and willingness to share!

(Also sorry to those who may have tagged me and I’ve been slow to respond if at all. I get really busy )

 

[SilverVeil]

Hi MrsPassion. I recently had an experience eerily similar to yours. I met someone through a singles dating site and it turned into something no good quickly. But I was so afraid to lose that connection I allowed his abuse and degradation of me to continue. When I finally found the backbone to say "no, this is not right" to him, he ghosted me after throwing a temper tantrum complete with name calling and threats. I was feeling very alone and unsafe, he knows where I live and I live sorta alone.
I came back to Literotica after many years absent and posted what happened and as I knew, I immediately received support and for lack of a better term "online after care" from several community members. A few on my post and a few in DM's.
Literotica had always been a safe place for me.

I've been talking to someone about the situation and what I am looking for in a D/s relationship and the compassion, understanding and guidance He offered shows me being bullied into submitting is not what I want or need. I want to submit to a Dom. I need guidance as I explore what I've longed for my whole life.

I am meeting Him in person very soon. And remembering Safe, Sane and Consensual first and foremost. My biggest mistake prior.

I hope you have found what you are seeking. Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't feel so alone now.

 

[silky52]

Hi MrsPassion. I recently had an experience eerily similar to yours. I met someone through a singles dating site and it turned into something no good quickly. But I was so afraid to lose that connection I allowed his abuse and degradation of me to continue. When I finally found the backbone to say "no, this is not right" to him, he ghosted me after throwing a temper tantrum complete with name calling and threats. I was feeling very alone and unsafe, he knows where I live and I live sorta alone.
I came back to Literotica after many years absent and posted what happened and as I knew, I immediately received support and for lack of a better term "online after care" from several community members. A few on my post and a few in DM's.
Literotica had always been a safe place for me.

I've been talking to someone about the situation and what I am looking for in a D/s relationship and the compassion, understanding and guidance He offered shows me being bullied into submitting is not what I want or need. I want to submit to a Dom. I need guidance as I explore what I've longed for my whole life.

I am meeting Him in person very soon. And remembering Safe, Sane and Consensual first and foremost. My biggest mistake prior.

I hope you have found what you are seeking. Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't feel so alone now.

I thinkyou guys are so brave!

 

[MrsPassion]

Oof, you ever come back to a thread of yours and just cringe at what you didn’t know then. *shudders*

When I wrote this in February, I was some time removed said person and was still reeling and can honestly say all the advice I got here was so helpful. The weeks after this I got my butt in gear and active locally and I’ve learned a lot and experienced a lot more and have just fundamentally changed in how I approach submission. And thank goodness for that! I was actually talking about this thread earlier on another and how what I didn’t know at the time about myself and what I wanted or was okay with had landed me in uncomfortable situations, specifically this one

I came back to Literotica after many years absent and posted what happened and as I knew, I immediately received support and for lack of a better term "online after care" from several community members. A few on my post and a few in DM's.
Literotica had always been a safe place for me.

I’m so glad you got the support you needed! This thread was admittedly my first lengthy post on Lit I knew no one and had no clue what to expect and was not disappointed by how kind and gracious everyone was. Even months after I posted (and stopped checking the thread ) so I’m happy you found it and didn’t feel alone I think feeling alone is what drove me to post in the first place. And if I hadn’t I never would have been encouraged to find my local group, online community, and go explore safely! It sounds like you found someone who understands your needs and is equipped to take care of you, so I’m wishing you the best of luck in your upcoming meeting! I hope it’s a great experience for you!

 

[SilverVeil]

wishing you the best of luck in your upcoming meeting! I hope it's a great experience for you!

Thank you! I am so anxious with all the emotions crashing over me! But I will trust my Sir with his experience to guide me into a safe encounter our first time meeting.

 

[Unravelx]

(old post, I know, but a good one)

It's really tough when, like you say, sometimes even bad things feel good.

I think the only advice for online is to just spend some time connecting as friends / flirtsters (pretty sure I just made up this word). Research what red flags look like and watch for them. Then act based on those, instead of your gut.

If someone wants to do anything D/s without discussing limits that's the start of a red flag, if they don't want to discuss it at all or say it's not your place to define limits then it's a massive red flag. Leave immediately.

Initiating a scene or dynamic with no prior discussion, E.g. telling you what to do, treating you like they own you. That's a red flag. Tell them so and if you don't get an immediate apology and good follow-up conversation, leave.

It's less fun than just doing what feels good, and you will have to turn down some potential fun, but if you don't guard yourself, you're opening yourself up to who knows what.

 

[MrsPassion]

(Lol it is an old post but I’m happy folks still contribute.)

It's really tough when, like you say, sometimes even bad things feel good.

This. Exactly this. I think often times people forget to give themselves a little grace. We don’t always make good choices, or consistently operate with our well being as our highest priority. We are inherently flawed creatures and sometimes bad things do feel good.

After a point though I feel It’s a personal responsibility to acknowledge that indulging will be harmful to us, and accepting the natural consequences that come along with choosing to continue to indulge (there’s a lot of grey area here that I acknowledge so I’m only speaking from my personal experience and where I was with the person who inspired my initial post)

I think the only advice for online is to just spend some time connecting as friends / flirtsters (pretty sure I just made up this word). Research what red flags look like and watch for them. Then act based on those, instead of your gut.

I think a hard part of establishing and maintaining an online dynamic is anyone can be anyone on the internet and charisma isn’t something that diminishes because someone is behind a screen. If someone is convincing pretending to be a thoughtful partner they will wind up hurting someone. I think the best way submissives can keep themselves safe while seeking online dynamics is have community with other submissives and Dominants. People they can talk to and discuss how they are feeling and what they are experiencing with people who aren’t high on endorphins and can maintain objectivity. I’m really thankful for the friends and mentors I have.

It's less fun than just doing what feels good, and you will have to turn down some potential fun, but if you don't guard yourself, you're opening yourself up to who knows what.

Learning to be patient and treat D/s dynamics like any other relationship is probably the hardest part. But it’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever been given. If I wouldn’t allow the behavior in any other relationship, why on earth would I allow in a D/s dynamic? That’s a North Star for me when getting to know people. And yeah, it usually means less fun is had but I come out of those scenarios, safe and undismayed.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

(Lol it is an old post but I’m happy folks still contribute.)


This. Exactly this. I think often times people forget to give themselves a little grace. We don’t always make good choices, or consistently operate with our well being as our highest priority. We are inherently flawed creatures and sometimes bad things do feel good.

After a point though I feel It’s a personal responsibility to acknowledge that indulging will be harmful to us, and accepting the natural consequences that come along with choosing to continue to indulge (there’s a lot of grey area here that I acknowledge so I’m only speaking from my personal experience and where I was with the person who inspired my initial post)


I think a hard part of establishing and maintaining an online dynamic is anyone can be anyone on the internet and charisma isn’t something that diminishes because someone is behind a screen. If someone is convincing pretending to be a thoughtful partner they will wind up hurting someone. I think the best way submissives can keep themselves safe while seeking online dynamics is have community with other submissives and Dominants. People they can talk to and discuss how they are feeling and what they are experiencing with people who aren’t high on endorphins and can maintain objectivity. I’m really thankful for the friends and mentors I have.

Learning to be patient and treat D/s dynamics like any other relationship is probably the hardest part. But it’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever been given. If I wouldn’t allow the behavior in any other relationship, why on earth would I allow in a D/s dynamic? That’s a North Star for me when getting to know people. And yeah, it usually means less fun is had but I come out of those scenarios, safe and undismayed.

This is really good, the self care and responsibility is key.

It also gives the other person important data to work from in the hope that they’re not an a-hole.

 

[MrsPassion]

It also gives the other person important data to work from in the hope that they’re not an a-hole.

That might be generous on behalf assholes, but I like the altruism

 

[MrsPassion]

It sounds like you already know how to avoid the dodgy ones, based on your gut instinct and your previous experience. And I'm so sorry that that has been negative for you.

I avoid the irl bdsm community too. It doesn't feel particularly safe for me either. Instead, I chat to people online and find out what they're about, long before meeting would ever be considered. In some ways, it is easier to get to know someone who isn't actively seeking a sub. Rather to just connect with someone and find out their likes and desires, vanilla or kink. You'd be amazed how many regular people turn out to be closet Doms, and bloody good ones at that!

I have had four long term Doms over the years, and all were just seeking a connection. The kink came later.

Going forward, my advice would be to avoid anyone with 'dom' or 'dominant' in their username (they tend to be like the person you have described) and instead look at people's interests and get to know them. I know it's a long winded way, but I would say the rewards would be worth it.

Good luck in your search.

Aww thank you so much for that! This post is months and months old and I have since had a lot of different experiences. Including becoming active with my local community and making friends and mentors with Dominants and submissives around me. It’s been an awesome journey and I don’t approach being submissive the same way I did last year! Thank you so much for your contribution, I know it will be helpful to subs here on Lit

 

[Dapperguy]

Buy a cattle prod, and use it!