Really confused about myself???

[Betticus]

I am looking to get feedback and opinions on a matter that has me very confused.

I went up to Denver on Saturday night for the Vampires Ball to go see one of my favorite bands, the Genitorturers. I was pretty much minding my own business and watching the show, I had a great spot on a raised area with a railing in front of me so I had an unobstructed view. I chatted with a blonde girl for a few minutes between bands for a bit then she moved off and a brunette girl slipped into her place. She and I talked for a bit, flirted but something turned in that conversation. She showed me a tat on the nape of her neck and I asked her what it meant to her. She told me that it was the mark of her previous master which threw me off just a little bit. After that she was really flirting and throwing the signals. I mean she practically was screaming "I need a new master". I have no experience in this area and I told her that I was only there to see the show. She was a little disappointed but I really would hate to try to take on something like this and fuck up by not knowing what was going on and add to that the fact that I might be moving out of state soon I wouldn't want to start something then have to break it off.

That isn't my source of confusion though but it was the final catalyst. I was wondering several things. Why did she approach me with this and nobody else. She stayed with me for the whole show. I have also been having trouble sleeping now and the idea of dominance like that is invading my thoughts quite a bit when I'm not busy. It is like since I'm thinking about the whole situation things, personality quirks and events from my past seem to be clicking into place. I've always only felt comfortable with people when I have the sense of control even if it is only in my ability to walk away from a situation I can't control. When I was younger I would avoid fighting if I could because I would get lost in the moment and get a huge almost addicting rush of power with being in total physical dominance of the other person and it would be even better if I could make them capitulate through psychological control. Add to it that I've always been taught from childhood that this is just wrong and deviant.

I think strongly that I may have the type of dominant personality that is drawing me into this lifestyle, even if it may be the shallow end of the pool. Even during sex in the past I've always reserved myself quite a bit with partners but I suppose that the point is that it was something I had to think about.

So my questions would be something like wanting to know how you knew you were a dominant or from a sub's perspective why did this girl approach me in the first place. I'm sure that it's different for everyone. I'm still trying to overcome the childhood christian brainwashing on sexuality so I'm may be dealing with some denial but it seems that this is starting to just feel right. I can't explain it.

If you need to ask questions or need more information don't hesitate but any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[FungiUg]

Okay, here's my perspective. You will of course get different view points from other people. Just so you know that they are wrong and I am right.

A Dom/me is an expression of an alpha personality. And alpha personalities are actually not that hard to spot, especially in crowds. It's all in the way you hold your body, your head, make eye contact and so on. Alpha personalities tend to, er, dominate the space around them.

If you do some people watching, you can often quickly apply labels to people. That person there walking with his head down, never making eye contact, is definately not an alpha. That person striding down the footpath, looking everyone in the eye, and generally having people move aside for her... is. And that girl skipping down the road has probably just had sex... but that's not important right now.

Anyway, someone who is submissive is attracted to Dominants. And so they will, sometimes without even realising what they are doing, gravitate towards alphas. They seek power.

If you are having dreams now of being dominant, the chances are that you ARE an alpha, and have a latent urge to dominate. Yay! A fortuitous discovery, but of course, one that you need to decide whether you wish to follow up on.

Make sense?

 

[ammre]

i cna't answer your question but i wanted rto reply about stuff anyway

1) i think it's cool that there's a thread on coming into dominance... most of the time i see submissives wanting doms or people trying to figure out their submissivness... if you find yourself happy in the end as a Dominant than hurray for you!

2) genotorterers... man i don't know much about them really but i know that they don't treat their performers that well sometimes.. one of the kids i know did a suspension for one of their shows and besides money that he charged for doing it they barely gave him any support.

3) fungiug: so THAT'S why it's hard for me to find a Dom... I don't think i ever really walk "submissive like" when i'm out. damnit.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It was your shaved head. That shows up on the old domdar like the broad side of a barn.

 

[Betticus]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll hit up the library and other posts and look for more info. I don't believe it will be something that I dream about, it feels more like something that is just coming out. After talking to some people and my chick dom buddy they pointed out that I have been doing dominant style activity for such a long time that I don't even notice it. Or Alpha behaviour if you prefer. I may have just been supressing it around people for some reason I haven't quite figured out yet.

I wouldn't mind hearing from other people with more dominant personalities about how they first realized that they had this phychological trait.

 

[SwtSouthrnSub]

.

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

I believe that she may have approached you maybe not through conscious thought - sometimes messages we send and receive are decoded in our subconscious, our brain filters out the noise from all of the other messages around us and hones in on one aspect that is obvious to the mind.

I also believe that the reason you were not shocked about what happened was because the instinct has always been there, but sometimes rationality makes us push ideas away from consideration. Look upon your meeting as a gentle wake up call, if you are an alpha, then a lot of things will be making sense about your past, but I feel it may be confusing because all these memories come flooding back at once.

Go with the flow.......... and if your decision is affirmative.....

Come look for me!

I know I may not been of much help, but these are my thoughts anyway!

BBB x.

 

[Betticus]

Something else I failed to mention was that she was there with some friends of hers, a married couple. The blonde girl I was chatting with before the brunette slipped in and started talking with me. I chatted with the blonde for about twenty minutes or so. I noticed the wedding ring so I was polite and didn't flirt with her. But when the brunette went to the restroom for a bit between bands I overheard the blonde arguing with her husband behind me and the only thing I clearly could make out was her saying to her husband "It's her decision". The rest was too low and I wasn't trying to eavesdrop so I dismissed it until later.

I think that the couple was aware of her intentions and that the blonde friend was checking me out a little. Also, there was a woman hitting on my like mad that I didn't like at all and was trying to get the fuck away from me. The cute brunette did me the favor of putting herself inbetween me and the other chick. That woman was really pissing me off with her behaviour. I didn't flinch when she told me about her previous master but at the time I didn't even know what that meant beyond some kind of B/d type thing. Not until I came here and started to read up on it.

When she mentioned not having a master it did make me feel a little protective/possesive though I'm not too sure why.

And BBB, it did end up bringing up a lot of things from the past that I had never considered from this point of view. As it is now more and more things are still working their way into my consciousness.

 

[Poussin]

.....

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Ok, I wasn't going to get into this, as I'm such a subbie type and Hate to disagree with doms, especially FungiUp. Oh, who am I kidding -- I Love to disagree with doms -- especially FungiUp -- just haven't been in the mood for an argument lately.
Anyway, it has never appeared to be as simple and straightforward as the alpha = dom/me, other=sub argument. (Nor the Man=dom, woman=sub one.) There are lots of ways to be/express domness or subness from what I've seen on here anyway. Plenty of alpha guys I've known were straight vanilla. Even rigid, boring vanilla (depending again, on what you mean by alpha, I suppose.) Are you going to argue that they were vanilla doms? I suppose you could.
And plenty of subbie women I've met, while they might not go for dommehood, would be completely disinterested in anything of b, d, s or m. I can't read their minds of course, but neither can you.

Got to go now, but want to comment later on Betticus' confusion. (Be forewarned! )

 

[NCShin]

This is kind of getting off the original topic at hand...but I don't agree with the Alpha male thing either.

Firstly the alpha male in a group changes based on who is there.

If you have 5 guys, John, Jack, Joe, James, and Josh, Josh could be the alpha male, if Josh isn't around, then James becomes the alpha male. This would go on down the line.

I do not think that his status within a group decides if he is dominant with a woman, or into D/s at all. Just like that high level executive can come home and want to be a little girl and serve his partner, so can an Alpha male.

 

[abbey_kyle]

I'm gonna toss in my two cents and add that I think it depends on who you are with. I have been pretty dominant in all my relationships--ever--until the current relationship I am in. I perfectly melted when the three of us got together and I had no problem lowering myself into sub role.

I am aware that this makes me a switch. But I think there is just something in each of us that people we are around may or may not pull out. There was obviously something that you were giving off that night. I say stop questioning where it comes from or why and explore the possibility that things are most likely going to get very interesting or you in the upcoming months.

Revel in the fact that you are not tied to ignorance by avoiding or ignoring. I applaud you for considering that there are always several options out there besides the "traditional".

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Just gonna say how does it matter whether you were giving something off that night, or whether she said that to every guy in the place and it had nothing to do with you?
The important point, seems to me -- rather than whether she was clairavoyant or you were giving out vibes or anything down that road -- was how you Responded to her and to that evening. It seems to have made you think. It seems to have moved you, pushed buttons, etc. THAT's what matters, isn't it? How you're feeling about the possibility?

Hello and welcome. To Confusion City, along with several of us, and to a very nice board (if I may be so bold as a relative newbie), along with the rest.




(feel free to make profligate use of smilies in the future -- it's a board requirement -- along with posting in green to signify your confused status. )

 

[kitty4ever]

I have to disagree with the alpha equalling being Dom/me material. I'm fiery, stubborn, headstrong and take-charge type in planning gatherings, work, etc. I am, though, submissive in the bedroom. I love having a man take charge and bend me to his will. My outside the bedroom personality does intimidate some men, although I'm told I'm too cute at times. It's always been like that.

The man who has fascinated me is definately a stronger alpha personality than I am. He makes me feel all tingly inside. He's a man who makes me want to submit. He knows that I am a submissive. He's never identified himself as a Dom, but in talking, he's admitted that he loves BDSM play. I can see it inside him, and he already adores me, and if I let it continue, he wants to please me. So, I've shown him this site and some other informational sites. He is becoming interested in it, and acknowledges how he's often done parts of it.

If you say that you've participated in parts, then obviously it does interest you. She saw a part in you that interested her. Maybe she saw the potential, and felt that taking the chance to get to know you better. As a sub, we are all attracted to different attributes in a possible Dom/me. Not all subs are attracted to the same thing. If it is something that you choose to pursue, stay open-minded and enjoy. If you don't, there is nothing wrong with that decision as well.

I wish you the best as you begin this journey of discovery.

 

[Esclava]

Congratulations, Betticus!

I am glad to see you seeking answers to questions that boggle the mind of most. Self discovery and awareness are two things I, personally, don't think anyone pays enough attention to.

I have to agree with amre, though. I, too, have an alpha personality (most of the time, I use my eyes to challenge people to speak when we pass). If a Dom/me is looking for distinct "submissive" qualities when we meet, they will be either disappointed or uninterested. I do not walk, talk, stand, or act submissively. But that is who I am and I cannot change it. Perhaps that is why I remain alone in r/l.

I will continue to visit this thread because it speaks to me as well. To be sure, a firey, passionate spirit seems in direct conflict with a submissive nature. I have sampled "Switch-hood" - and it tasted very good! However, I must do some research into the same feelings you are dealing with as well.

Take care and good luck!

Esclava

 

[Betticus]

It's still settling in but I'm am so much more aware of things that are going on around me in social settings now. I am noticing the changes in body language in people when I go by, some people get more defensive (males) and women react a little differently too. Even some that I've been friends with for a while.

All that aside I feel a lot more in control of myself and my own life as well even to the point that it's becoming much easier to assert positive control over things that I've had problems with in the past. I quit drinking, smoke a whole lot less, dropped ten pounds so far. It's kind of odd that a simple psychological change can end up being such a dramatic thing.

After doing some reading of the posted or linked literature I'm getting a better understanding of the psyche behind D/s and it's definately helping me to get a grip on everything and letting me stay pretty casual about it all. I can see that it would be easy to become an asshole with an ego trip but I'm keeping everything in perspective and just seeing where it's going right now. Basically I'm absorbing it into my personality and trying to keep it healthy for me and everyone around me.

Thanks for the feedback and opinions, you all have insights into things that I've never even considered.

 

[kitty4ever]

All that aside I feel a lot more in control of myself and my own life as well even to the point that it's becoming much easier to assert positive control over things that I've had problems with in the past. I quit drinking, smoke a whole lot less, dropped ten pounds so far. It's kind of odd that a simple psychological change can end up being such a dramatic thing.

I'm so glad to hear things are going so well for you.

 

[Betticus]

Thanks. It's going to be interesting to see where this will end up.

 

[kitty4ever]

Enjoy the journey.

 

[Esclava]

You WILL keep us posted, won't you, Betticus?

Those of us treading the same footsteps gladly welcome your insight and the lessons I am sure you will learn along the way.

At least, I will. Take care,

Esclava

 

[AvaAdore]

It was your shaved head. That shows up on the old domdar like the broad side of a barn.

oh, how true this is...

 

[Betticus]

oh, how true this is...

It can't be just the shaved head. And not everyone looks okay with a shaved head, I saw a few bald guys in the bar last week that definately weren't pulling it off. They just had funny looking heads and they definately lacked the self confidence to make anything work.

I have noticed a huge difference between alpha type people and people who are trying to fake it.

The Alphas are very confident. The ones that fake it tend to be trying to hard at being assholes and don't seem to know the difference.

 

[Esclava]

<snip>I have noticed a huge difference between alpha type people and people who are trying to fake it.

The Alphas are very confident. The ones that fake it tend to be trying to hard at being assholes and don't seem to know the difference.

I agree, Betticus, being Alpha is, to a large degree, about the self-confidence one has in oneself. Alpha behavior CAN be faked, but IMO, the fake is only believed by the naive or unknowledgeable. The fake may be believed for a time, but eventually they will do or say something to prove they are faking their Alpha behavior.

I takes a strong alpha to dominate me. Again, IMHO, REAL Alpha dominance is distinguished by the complete humility and submission it asks you to give.......and you do!

Esclava

 

[Betticus]

I notice that a lot of people will lean on you and try to leach off of you for some kind of emotional support.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It can't be just the shaved head. And not everyone looks okay with a shaved head, I saw a few bald guys in the bar last week that definately weren't pulling it off. They just had funny looking heads and they definately lacked the self confidence to make anything work.

I have noticed a huge difference between alpha type people and people who are trying to fake it.

The Alphas are very confident. The ones that fake it tend to be trying to hard at being assholes and don't seem to know the difference.

Yeah, there are books to be written about the "ways men go bald".

I've been noticing a lot of guys with shaved heads who lack the requisite hard man look. They look like lightbulbs filled with skim milk. At one time, IMHO, the shaved head was a righteous way to go bald. Now, there's even a Seinfeld mocking it. It's the new combover, IMHO.

The new way to go bald can be best be thought of as "tanned, fit, bald Colonel". Think Army officer, bald, middleaged but a hard man, with strong tan hairy wrists and a large chronometer. A virile, manly, non-vain, bald, short-haired---but not shaven--- way to go bald.