Run After Or Run Away? (Desperate Need of Advice)

[Cattypuss]

Mac, for fuck's sake.

I've seen you pop up again and again on this board, always with the same tribulations. Yes, it seems different every time to you, but it's not different - believe me. It's just variations on the same theme.

Your problem is that you are a highly introspective worrier, who is trying to have the lifestyle of a carefree extrovert. And therein lies the rub.

Either fit your lifestyle to your character (stop doing drugs, stop drinking, develop a much slower-paced, more focussed and meaningful social life in a smaller circle), so that you can cope with your life without this constant procession of emotional/psychic traumas...

... or change your character so that you are outward-focussed, unthinking and carefree enough to cope with a social life that consists of one minor drama after another, all based on essentially shallow hookups (yes, really - one day you'll see how shallow they were) and substance-fuelled mood swings.

Of course the killer is that we can't change our character. Our character may develop and evolve, gradually, over the course of YEARS and DECADES, but essentially a self-obsessed natural introvert will always be a self-obsessed natural introvert.

So save yourself a lot of heartache, start getting yourself some chance of reward and satisfaction in your life - and stop living a life your personality can't cope with.

Seriously.

 

[SweetErika]

Mac, for fuck's sake.

I've seen you pop up again and again on this board, always with the same tribulations. Yes, it seems different every time to you, but it's not different - believe me. It's just variations on the same theme.

Your problem is that you are a highly introspective worrier, who is trying to have the lifestyle of a carefree extrovert. And therein lies the rub.

Either fit your lifestyle to your character (stop doing drugs, stop drinking, develop a much slower-paced, more focussed and meaningful social life in a smaller circle), so that you can cope with your life without this constant procession of emotional/psychic traumas...

... or change your character so that you are outward-focussed, unthinking and carefree enough to cope with a social life that consists of one minor drama after another, all based on essentially shallow hookups (yes, really - one day you'll see how shallow they were) and substance-fuelled mood swings.

Of course the killer is that we can't change our character. Our character may develop and evolve, gradually, over the course of YEARS and DECADES, but essentially a self-obsessed natural introvert will always be a self-obsessed natural introvert.

So save yourself a lot of heartache, start getting yourself some chance of reward and satisfaction in your life - and stop living a life your personality can't cope with.

Seriously.

Excellent--and very true--post, Cattypuss.

I'll also add that there really is no decision to be made here, Mac. You said yourself that you're not going to see this girl for a month or more, so the only thing you can do if you want to see what could happen is, well, wait and see what might happen when you see each other again. There's no point in worrying about it in the interim, especially since you have your own stuff you need to sort out at home and such.

And quit being so defensive. You (presumably) came here for help, to tap into the vast resource of our experiences and views. When you discount everyone's points with excuses and arguments, you appear ungrateful and pigheaded. It's fine to clarify when clarification is really needed, but otherwise, you'd benefit a hell of a lot more from just taking what people have to say in. Look for the things people could be right about, rather than automatically assuming they're wrong, or you're being misunderstood. The drug issue is a perfect example: OK, you're not an addict from what you say, but a lot of the stories of angst you tell include drugs, so maybe they are having a negative impact on your relationships in some way(s).

 

[Mac98]

Mac, for fuck's sake.

I've seen you pop up again and again on this board, always with the same tribulations. Yes, it seems different every time to you, but it's not different - believe me. It's just variations on the same theme.

Your problem is that you are a highly introspective worrier, who is trying to have the lifestyle of a carefree extrovert. And therein lies the rub.

Either fit your lifestyle to your character (stop doing drugs, stop drinking, develop a much slower-paced, more focussed and meaningful social life in a smaller circle), so that you can cope with your life without this constant procession of emotional/psychic traumas...

... or change your character so that you are outward-focussed, unthinking and carefree enough to cope with a social life that consists of one minor drama after another, all based on essentially shallow hookups (yes, really - one day you'll see how shallow they were) and substance-fuelled mood swings.

Of course the killer is that we can't change our character. Our character may develop and evolve, gradually, over the course of YEARS and DECADES, but essentially a self-obsessed natural introvert will always be a self-obsessed natural introvert.

So save yourself a lot of heartache, start getting yourself some chance of reward and satisfaction in your life - and stop living a life your personality can't cope with.

Seriously.

I don't mean to be dismissive because you do have it pretty down pat (I AM an introspective worrier trying to be a care-free extrovert) but I disagree that I would have to choose one or the other. Also, I'm not quite sure how this happens to be the major problem in this specific situation (I'm not saying there isn't a link, I'm just saying if there is, I fail to see it).

I don't wish to dive into my other personal issues at the moment. Only because I'd be highjacking my own thread. But right now I have a strong pulse inside me telling me I have to go out and meet new people and doing that makes me feel really good. It doesn't make my problems go away, but it gives me an escape rope to hold on to once in a while.

And finally I want everyone to know that I've made a conscious decision to quit all drugs as of last week. I don't have the intention of doing them anymore, at least not until I get my life back together. This includes marijuana.

Excellent--and very true--post, Cattypuss.

I'll also add that there really is no decision to be made here, Mac. You said yourself that you're not going to see this girl for a month or more, so the only thing you can do if you want to see what could happen is, well, wait and see what might happen when you see each other again. There's no point in worrying about it in the interim, especially since you have your own stuff you need to sort out at home and such.

And quit being so defensive. You (presumably) came here for help, to tap into the vast resource of our experiences and views. When you discount everyone's points with excuses and arguments, you appear ungrateful and pigheaded. It's fine to clarify when clarification is really needed, but otherwise, you'd benefit a hell of a lot more from just taking what people have to say in. Look for the things people could be right about, rather than automatically assuming they're wrong, or you're being misunderstood. The drug issue is a perfect example: OK, you're not an addict from what you say, but a lot of the stories of angst you tell include drugs, so maybe they are having a negative impact on your relationships in some way(s).

Actually, she agreed to spend the day in the old part of the city with me on Tuesday. She even agreed going just me and her. So I'll be seeing her in a week.

I agree that drugs have fucked with my mind before. I did abuse weed for an extended period of time then diminished significantly and have recently decided to give it up altogether.

Also, I don't mean to pigheaded. You guys give me advice based on what you know (from what I've told you and from what little you all know of me) and I, more often than not, will evaluate what's been said and for the sake of not having any mix up will correct you on where you're wrong.

Just because I correct people on one particular subject in their post doesn't mean I totally discard what they were essentially trying to say. It just means there are points I try to clarify. For example, like you say, Drugs. I feel it's important that I specify that I'm NOT a junky nor have I ever been. I haven't done any major drugs and I haven't done E more than 3 times in 3 months (it's been one month since I last rolled).

Some of you have brought to light the possibility that maybe this girl had a problem with the drugs. I'm not being stubborn and unresponsive when I tell you no, the drugs are not a problem with/for her. I'm just stating facts to help put that in the clear.

If I was so unresponsive, SweetErika, I wouldn't keep coming back here for help when I need it. I value the opinion of the people of HT (or HT Forum) and respect that the vast majority of you hold much more experience in these subjects than I do. I've always said that it has helped a lot and have always been very thankful for the advice.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

The first thing you do is pull your head out of your ass and get off the drugs so you can think straight. This woman is the least of you problems. The way you are now, you are never going to maintain a relationship with anybody.

Hey everbuddy!

I'm looking for a bit of older/mature advice (or a young female's opinion) on what exactly it is I should do in a sort of dilemma I've been mulling over in my head for a little while.

About 2 months ago, I invited a few friends to my cottage. My friend invited his best friend and we both clicked immediately. The whole car ride over we talked and connected almost instantly. She was spunky (and I like spunk!) and had this REALLY hot swagger about her...

That weekend, everyone did ecstacy (and by "everyone" I mean "all 4 of us") and needless to say, we were all over each other all weekend. We kept contact by facebook (she lives 90 minutes away) and I went down to see her and my friend the week after. We kept in touch and one thing lead to another and maybe 4 days after that 2nd weekend she starts texting me late at night. Both of us exchangeing very kind words. Then, she started saying she felt she was starting to fall for me and invited me over to her house for the week. I slept over but nothing happened. Well, we slept together and kissed... we pretty much did everything but "it". I'm not sure what happened, but by the end of the week, there was a huge misunderstanding (that I will spare you all the details of in order to make this already very long post a little shorter) and I had understood that she wanted to take a break because things were moving to fast... she also understood that same thing even though it's something neither of us wanted.

I went back home and we kept in touch a little less until a month ago (easter weekend) when I invited a bunch of people up to my cottage for an MDMA party (MDMA = ecstacy). There, we kind of reconnected and before popping, we both set the record straight. I let her know I had feelings for her and she admitted to it too. The weekend was epic and rarely have I tripped out so much in my life. However, I felt her a little distant throughout the weekend. At that moment, I blamed the drugs (for obvious reasons) but later felt that maybe she was having second thoughts.

The following Monday I crashed really hard. I lived through a nauseating MDMA crash (post-roll depression is what they call it). I was so mixed up in my head about where the two of us stood that that night I asked to talk to her by facebook (only means of communication other than text available to us). I asked her to tell me how she felt exactly toward me and she told me she had feelings for me but that she was scared. She has a tendency to fall quickly for someone and then lose interest shortly after and told me she didn't want to do that to me. She said she cared too much.

Let me say I take full responsibility for being the idiot to talk about something like that while we're both going through P-RD and on top of it we're discussing something important via internet... that's my fault!

I took it hard and tried to accept that she and I will never be. But the next day was brutal. I had a bunch of things spinning in my head and I failed to understand how only 2 weeks earlier she was falling for me and today we were both stuck in this fucked up limbo... so I texted her asking her if we could meet up and talk face to face about it soon. That I was having a hard time with all of it. However, asking that one question spawned another conversation... this time ending even more negatively. Long story short, she said she reconsidered her feelings for me but that she wanted us to be friends because I was very important to her.

Crushed, I let her know I couldn't do that... at least not yet (question of getting over her first) and told her I'd be deleting her off facebook and deleting her phone number... nothing personal. She didn't take it very well at all.

The following Thursday, a family incident happened and all this pretty much ended up at the back of my mind and lost priority in terms of importance in my life. This gave me time to think about it a little more logically and without my emotions getting in the way. So I got her number back and texted her that I'd accept being friends, the only condition being that we talk about all of this first. Face to face. She accepted and so, last week (or roughly 10 days ago) we met face to face and talked things through. She admitted that since the MDMA party she was really depressed and had trouble feeling anything but neutrality toward pretty much everyone and everything. She said she did want me in her life but that given everything that had happened between us, it was best to stay just friends.

I accepted this and the next day I left back home. Still very crushed, but at least I got the closure I needed.

We still keep in touch via Facebook. I told her to get some 5-HTP which is supposed to help a lot with PR-D (or depression in general) and so she's been taking it (so have I) for the past maybe 4 or 5 days. However, I spoke to her 2 days ago and she admitted that many songs we would listen to together she can't listen to anymore because it still reminds her of me (Hey Jude was our song... I was Jude loll. Bon Iver was another artist we listened to a lot). I sent her another song I thought she'd like and her response was "You have no right to do that to me . That's another song I won't be able to listen to without thinking of you."

My question is quite simple and I feel I already know the answer, but I still feel I could use some advice from people on the outside looking in.

See, a week ago I was doing all I could to let her go (to no avail, obviously). Today, however, I find myself asking myself:

Should I let things as they are and just get over it... or should I fight for what I want. I feel like there's still something between us that she seems to be fighting. I don't think I've ever connected with someone I've felt so strongly about before. Part of me feels like maybe this time, instead of just accepting, I should fight for her. But I'm not sure how much of this is denial or emotions and how much of it is passion.

I really like this girl. I really do. I'm just not sure if this is a lost cause or if I should persue her...


Again, I'm REALLY sorry for the ridiculously long post. I just wanted to add in as much detail as I could so you could all understand our brief history. Thanks a million for all advice.

Mac

 

[Mac98]

The first thing you do is pull your head out of your ass and get off the drugs so you can think straight. This woman is the least of you problems. The way you are now, you are never going to maintain a relationship with anybody.

See, THIS is what I mean.

Thank you for the advice, Nasty_Deeds, but had you taken the time to read some of the other posts, you'd know that I'm off the drugs and I've never really doven into them full-on.

Maybe in the future I just won't mention drugs or alcohol... as soon as I do I'm labeled as a junky...

 

[satindesire]

See, THIS is what I mean.

Thank you for the advice, Nasty_Deeds, but had you taken the time to read some of the other posts, you'd know that I'm off the drugs and I've never really doven into them full-on.

Maybe in the future I just won't mention drugs or alcohol... as soon as I do I'm labeled as a junky...

You've never been labeled as a junky.

But the people in here who are warning you that the drugs are interfering with your life even in small doses taken occasionally are right.

Drugs are not always a wholly positive force. This isn't an anti drug rant, this is FACT. Stop being defensive.

 

[Miles Long]

See, THIS is what I mean.

Thank you for the advice, Nasty_Deeds, but had you taken the time to read some of the other posts, you'd know that I'm off the drugs and I've never really doven into them full-on.

Maybe in the future I just won't mention drugs or alcohol... as soon as I do I'm labeled as a junky...

Call me a grammar nazi, but it's not doven. It's diveded.

 

[qrayze]

I did abuse weed for an extended period of time


I'm NOT a junky nor have I ever been

um...I'm confused???

 

[Noor]

Mac I am noticing that all your responses revolve around you, your feelings, and why your drug use is not a problem.

You have given us no feeling for what you like about this girl except sex and do drugs with, we have nothing to go on. She is kind of sounding like an object, though there must be more to her than that.

When you see her sober, hang with her a while and then just ask what you want to know. Prepare for the worse, and then you may be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Mac98]

um...I'm confused???

Wow! If a pot addict is concidered a junky I don't wanna know what a heroin addict is...

Mac I am noticing that all your responses revolve around you, your feelings, and why your drug use is not a problem.

You have given us no feeling for what you like about this girl except sex and do drugs with, we have nothing to go on. She is kind of sounding like an object, though there must be more to her than that.

When you see her sober, hang with her a while and then just ask what you want to know. Prepare for the worse, and then you may be pleasantly surprised.

Ummm... actually, I've never had sex with her... I've stated numerous times that nothing ever went beyond kissing and a little bit of touching. I've done drugs with her twice in my life... I've seen her more than twice. She's not some girl I hook up with solely when I'm high off my ass. I've been high with her a total of maybe 10 hours... (An MDMA high lasts about 3 to 6 hours)

I don't know what it is about her. She's funny, sweet, she's really pretty, she likes a lot of different kinds of music (not just the mainstream poppy bullcrap), she speaks english (rare in my parts), she cooks like a fucken goddess, she has the most beautiful voice (and I love a girl that can sing ), she plays the piano incredibly well, she's also a no-shit type of girl, she smells REALLY good (and I'm a sucker for a girl who smells good).

But most importantly... since the day I spoke to her (before I even met her face to face, I spoke to her on Facebook) I felt like I'd known her since a long time. I feel this connection with her that I've rarely or never felt with anyone before.

You've never been labeled as a junky.

But the people in here who are warning you that the drugs are interfering with your life even in small doses taken occasionally are right.

Drugs are not always a wholly positive force. This isn't an anti drug rant, this is FACT. Stop being defensive.

Well I'll agree to disagree with that. Drugs have brought both negative and positive things to my life. A more open mind and open heart and a new way of seeing things. It helped me grow a lot more as a person (even though I KNOW I'll probably get a lot of flack for saying that).

I agree, though, that abusing drugs has brought on very negative things to. This is why I've chosen to quit completely. And I'm not being defensive, shut up!

 

[qrayze]

And I'm not being defensive, shut up!

Here, this link will help you be able to understand properly what others are trying to say to you.

 

[Mac98]

Here, this link will help you be able to understand properly what others are trying to say to you.

a dictionary? Umm... thank you?

But the "I am not being defensive, shut up" was supposed to be a joke. Why on Earth would I actually react like that? Come on!

 

[Athalia]

Most of what I was going to say has already been said, and better, by others, but there's one thing in Mac's post that caught my eye:

She has a tendency to fall quickly for someone and then lose interest shortly after and told me she didn't want to do that to me. She said she cared too much.

You know, that's a distinct personality type ... the person who gets a rush simply from falling in love, and who seeks that feeling wherever she or he can. Relationships with this sort of person are usually doomed, because when the feeling subsides, it's not replaced by the feelings of admiration/respect/devotion/understanding that are the hallmarks of more enduring love. So the person, instead of cultivating relationships, simply goes from one person to the next in search of that rush of falling in love.

I give her some respect for being honest with you about that. But if she's indeed that sort of personality type, I wouldn't entertain much hope for a more permanent relationship. And if you do have a relationship with this woman, be advised that she will fall for others by and by, as surely as a non-recovered alcoholic will go on a bender from time to time.

 

[Mac98]

Most of what I was going to say has already been said, and better, by others, but there's one thing in Mac's post that caught my eye:



You know, that's a distinct personality type ... the person who gets a rush simply from falling in love, and who seeks that feeling wherever she or he can. Relationships with this sort of person are usually doomed, because when the feeling subsides, it's not replaced by the feelings of admiration/respect/devotion/understanding that are the hallmarks of more enduring love. So the person, instead of cultivating relationships, simply goes from one person to the next in search of that rush of falling in love.

I give her some respect for being honest with you about that. But if she's indeed that sort of personality type, I wouldn't entertain much hope for a more permanent relationship. And if you do have a relationship with this woman, be advised that she will fall for others by and by, as surely as a non-recovered alcoholic will go on a bender from time to time.

She still managed to stay with her ex-boyfriend for 3 years and was faithful the whole time... But I agree with the rest. It might be that. I don't know. In any case I think I'm gonna' give this one up and add it to the black book of failures...

 

[Mac98]

Oh and by the way...

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the insight and advice. Contrary to popular belief, I still greatly appreciate it.

She won't be coming down on Tuesday. She's going to pick up her new car. She said she'll still come down if she goes early enough but... I'm not feeling it on this one.

I think this is life telling me to let go.

Thanks again, everyone. Sorry if I seemed stubborn, unappreciative and/or defensive. It wasn't my intention.

Again. Thank you.

 

[qrayze]

Oh and by the way...

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the insight and advice. Contrary to popular belief, I still greatly appreciate it.

She won't be coming down on Tuesday. She's going to pick up her new car. She said she'll still come down if she goes early enough but... I'm not feeling it on this one.

I think this is life telling me to let go.

Thanks again, everyone. Sorry if I seemed stubborn, unappreciative and/or defensive. It wasn't my intention.

Again. Thank you.

*pinches your cheeks*

you're just so cute!

 

[Mac98]

*pinches your cheeks*

you're just so cute!

I try...