Safewords - assigned or selected?

[subfem1963]

I got to choose my own safeword. Not had to use it yet. But its still early days for me. So nice to know I have it there if I ever feel the need to use it. Which I'm sure i will further down the line.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I very much believe in saying what i mean, and meaning what i say. So, that said, i always keep my "safeword" as "stop." if i say stop, i want things to stop right away. if i say no, i mean no. i want to know that the words coming out of my mouth are taken seriously. and i don't think i would ever be able to switch to a safeword after the emphasis i put in my "no."

Those work for people who don't have Rape scene Fantasies. Just saying is all.

The whole reason to have a safeword came from such types of scenes where no, stop and the like could be used but not really meant.

 

[myinnerslut]

Those work for people who don't have Rape scene Fantasies. Just saying is all.

The whole reason to have a safeword came from such types of scenes where no, stop and the like could be used but not really meant.

agreed. the reason having a safeword is so important for me is becuase im mulitorgasmic and tend to loose control of my language when im cumming very hard or for a prolonged period of time. yes/no, up/down, fast/slow.. they all get mixed up. so my Sir will ignore any of my "no's" untill i actually use my safeword.

 

[DomRick]

I am with the majority of those here in that Yellow and Red are the two that I've ever assigned to an inexperienced submissive. With some more experienced ones, it's either the above colors or a number scale. No and Stop have never been mentioned, probably for the reasons previously mentioned in the above post. Good discussion though and it's nice to see so many on the same page.

 

[satin_coals]

hey shanky .. that's a *very* mild AV for you

 

[Shankara20]

hey shanky .. that's a *very* mild AV for you

saveing up for a big "show" later....

 

[satin_coals]

saveing up for a big "show" later....

sarah and I look forward to it

 

[esclave_PP]

Safewords - assigned or selected?

As Top (or choose your word) do you choose the safeword you want used or does your bottom (or choose your word) select the safeword they will use?

As bottom, do you feel safer with a word you have selected, or with a word assigned to you?

Or is it a cooperated decision.

My bias is that in times of danger/ high stress/ panic a bottom will related to a word they choose better then risking the chance of becoming disoriented and have to search for the assigned word.

What do you all think?

Well, my safeword is Cumkwat (or however that is spelled...argh). It's so weird that I remember it. It was assigned to me by Master. When I am gagged, we have hand signals. If I am bound and gagged, he watches carefully. I haven't had to use it yet, however I like to push myself, but if danger was/is eminant, I would use it. I don't feel safer either way if assigned or not, it is just a safety precaution.

 

[Shankara20]

Well, my safeword is Cumkwat (or however that is spelled...argh). It's so weird that I remember it. It was assigned to me by Master. When I am gagged, we have hand signals. If I am bound and gagged, he watches carefully. I haven't had to use it yet, however I like to push myself, but if danger was/is eminant, I would use it. I don't feel safer either way if assigned or not, it is just a safety precaution.

Thank you - it helps to hear from someone that is using an assigned safeword. I believe you are using kumquat - the little orange colored fruit. Right? I like that word.

 

[esclave_PP]

Yes, that's it! Thank you. I hate when I spell words incorrectly. Out of curiousity, why does it make a difference if it is assigned or not? I suppose it is the whole D/s aspect and *should* come from the top, but what are your thoughts on that?

 

[Shankara20]

Yes, that's it! Thank you. I hate when I spell words incorrectly. Out of curiousity, why does it make a difference if it is assigned or not? I suppose it is the whole D/s aspect and *should* come from the top, but what are your thoughts on that?

Long ago I had a cat I called qua’ta from kumquat – she was a small orange kitten when she came to rule our home ….

I personally think it is safer for a safeword to be selected so there is less likelihood of it being hard to remember in a time of high stress or panic. It appears that most that have posted here have selected their own safeword. You might find some interesting insights to read some of the posts already here that speak directly to your question.

 

[chris9]

Yes, that's it! Thank you. I hate when I spell words incorrectly. Out of curiousity, why does it make a difference if it is assigned or not? I suppose it is the whole D/s aspect and *should* come from the top, but what are your thoughts on that?

I also could imagine that once one has learned a specific safeword, and then changing PYLs, it'd be easier for them to stick to their previous safeword as opposed to learning a new one. If you go through many partners, and each wants you to have *their* safeword you might end up with fruit salad if you have to use it. "Kumquat! I mean pineapple! No, orange! Grape, peach, apple, banana..." (keep going until you accidently hit the right one - not a good idea in a situation where you HAVE to safeword out)

 

[myinnerslut]

Out of curiousity, why does it make a difference if it is assigned or not?

in a long term monogomous D/s reationship, i suppose it doesnt matter who picks the safeword as long as you remeber it. if you are playing with more then one person and they all pick diffrent safewords, i would imagine it gets very confusing very quickly. thats why i love my safeword... its so easy to remeber. who's gonna forget the word "safeword"

 

[satin_coals]

i suggested mine and my Sir agreed. my safewrd is actually the word "safeword" so i dont forget it, as i tend to not be able to speak well when i get overwhelmed.

that is brilliant! i was telling Master about that and He thought it was very smart to use 'safe word' as the safeword .. definately no chances of misunderstandings!

we may think more into this one .. and may start using that one soon

 

[Ebonyfire]

saveing up for a big "show" later....

**Pulling up a chair and sitting down to wait for the show. Looking around for the popcorn.**

 

[Kailey_86]

Like most I believe that choosing your own safeword is safest but I like the idea of master choosing it for me. It would be great if he chose one that we both agreed on. The colors would work best for me. I think the number idea is also good during but there should still be a safeword to make it stop completely. If I really needed to get out I would want something that would be understood right away. I don't think I would be one to yell out "stop" unless I really meant it.

 

[kajiraahava]

Those work for people who don't have Rape scene Fantasies. Just saying is all.

The whole reason to have a safeword came from such types of scenes where no, stop and the like could be used but not really meant.

This is me in some play. I never use common words like "stop" or "no". Just a preference based on the scene for the reason you listed.

Safewords - assigned or selected?

As Top (or choose your word) do you choose the safeword you want used or does your bottom (or choose your word) select the safeword they will use?

As bottom, do you feel safer with a word you have selected, or with a word assigned to you?

Or is it a cooperated decision.

I do have my own safeword. That being said if he wanted to use the Red, Yellow, Green scale I can go for that too. Either way is fine with me.

I am a stubborn thick skinned sub, so I can only remember uttering my safeword once or twice in several years. It's not that I forgot it. My masochistic tendencies take over. Also the Doms I have run across seem to be a little "softer" if we are new to each other versus a Dom who knows my tolerance better.

 

[satin_coals]

we're all still waiting on the AV, shanky

 

[esclave_PP]

Well, I am not a player, never have been. Master and I are in a long-term relationship and I don't have a problem remembering that one. As for being with other Mistresses or Masters, they always just assigned their own. Wasn't a big deal. But I do see your point for sure.

 

[Chicklet]

Those work for people who don't have Rape scene Fantasies. Just saying is all.

The whole reason to have a safeword came from such types of scenes where no, stop and the like could be used but not really meant.

I have those fantasies, too - I simply don't use those words during them... more like, physical fighting back. And a lot of whimpering

 

[satindesire]

Thankfully, my safeword has never had to be used (so far). It was a mutual agreement between both of us that it would just be "Safeword".

The traffic light system seems like it would work really good for a 'slow down' 'stop' kind of situation.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't think it matters who chooses it. What matters is that you a)have one, and b) use it, & most important c) Have a dominant who is proficient, awake, and aware and honors it.

YMMV.

Eb

 

[SweetErika]

I very much believe in saying what i mean, and meaning what i say. So, that said, i always keep my "safeword" as "stop." if i say stop, i want things to stop right away. if i say no, i mean no. i want to know that the words coming out of my mouth are taken seriously. and i don't think i would ever be able to switch to a safeword after the emphasis i put in my "no."

We're relatively new to BDSM and have both agreed use the traffic light system (no matter who's topping), but "enough/too much/slow down/no/stop" are still significant and honored in our play.

Last night, for instance, all that came to mind in the heat of the moment was, "TOO MUCH!" (he eased up), then "Enough......STOP!" (he did, immediately). Our safewords didn't even occur to me. I realized a moment later, and told him, that I should have used the safewords because "NO/STOP" are very meaningful and stir some emotions and thoughts that I don't want in our play, so I'd try to do differently in the future. This thread has also reminded me we need to check in with each other more in an effort to mitigate that type of panic experience/reaction.

In the end, though, we both want those words (said in a certain tone and context; we both know each other well enough to understand what those are) to be honored in our sex life, and I'm glad for the experience because it's something we clearly need to discuss with other partners, should we go that route in the future.

This is a great corner of Lit, and I've learned a lot from threads like this! I hope to lurk a little less and participate more soon.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I don't think it matters who chooses it. What matters is that you a)have one, and c) use it, & most important c) Have a dominant who is proficient, awake, and aware and honors it.

YMMV.

Eb

Hallelujah on 'Have a dominant who is proficient, awake, and aware and honors it.'.

I only know one submissive directly who had his Domme 'ignore' his safeword . He was a total wreck after the fact. It completely undermined all the trust and respect they had built in the relationship and he left her service. The thing that I found most really disturbing was how 'wiped out' he was for the experience. I guess if I put myself in his place it shouldn't be. Its one of the most significant breaches I can think of during play.

There was a happy ending however. He went on after recovering to meeting his current Domme . They were married in Military splendour as is his background and other vocation and recently he informed me his Domme is expecting a very much wanted child.

Back on topic I would suggest that it would be more likely a submissive might hold back a little on using a safe word than a Dominant/Top ever ignore one.

 

[Shankara20]

Hallelujah on 'Have a dominant who is proficient, awake, and aware and honors it.'.

I only know one submissive directly who had his Domme 'ignore' his safeword . He was a total wreck after the fact. It completely undermined all the trust and respect they had built in the relationship and he left her service. The thing that I found most really disturbing was how 'wiped out' he was for the experience. I guess if I put myself in his place it shouldn't be. Its one of the most significant breaches I can think of during play.

There was a happy ending however. He went on after recovering to meeting his current Domme . They were married in Military splendour as is his background and other vocation and recently he informed me his Domme is expecting a very much wanted child.

Back on topic I would suggest that it would be more likely a submissive might hold back a little on using a safe word than a Dominant/Top ever ignore one.

Not having my safeword respected is, for me unforgivable, and a relationship breaker.

As bottom calling my safeword is the only act of my will I am allowed to use at my own desecration, it is a call for help and a scene stopper, the same holds true when I Top. As bottom i will hold off calling safeword as long as I can, it is for me an act of desperation - an emergency cry for help. I include calling "yellow" as a big deal, it is just one small step from stopping everything, it is saying "I'm in a little trouble here, but think it is possible to recover with a little attention -now"