Sex after abuse

[fma20fma]

hi

I can't tell if you're being inappropriate or not

part of kink of my ex bf.

 

[original_pk10]

So I'll start really..hopefully others will follow

I was abused for 20 years with various abusers. My primary response was to become overly sexualised and to be honest, wasn't really complaining about that. It made me feel normal. Except when I tried to bring the concept of victim and then regular sexual person, together. Because the media likes us to be sworn off sex forever. Terrified at the word. Because the media can't separate sex and rape or fathom that a child abused could grow up to like sex. So it adds shame onto existing shame.

I joined this place when I was very much actively engaged in that sexualised persona. But struggled when people wanted to know the me beneath the sex. I did some soul searching and went abstinent for a while. Then I found my partner and we've been trying to bring together the sexual persona and the scared version into one whole.

Some days sex is great and I feel in control. Some days sex is impossible because I'm leaping away like someone tried to put fire on me. It's tough and it's vulnerable. But I'm hopeful the leaps get less.

That's a general overview anyway. If this thread takes off, I have some healing resources that could be shared whether they are sex related or abuse related doesn't matter

Thank you so much for making this thread...I identify with so much of what you say. I was sexually abused as a child until my early teens, and then another form of abuse in my late teens.

My response was to become overly sexualized and in turn abuse myself in many many forms (drugs, drinking, sex and making myself a sexual object for men rather than for myself) After I became a stripper I hated men for a long time and hated sex.

I went through A LOT of therapy to get where I am today. Sometimes I can't take Lit and the comments because it reverts me back and I hate men. Sad, but true. But a lot of my being here is a way to regain that sense of sexuality and body image that I still sometimes struggle with.

I'm always honest about my past with all my romantic partners, and they've always been very accepting and willing to help me when I have set backs or the now very rare flashback. It's a hard road, and you never forget...but you can move on and heal.

 

[Beth87]

You're welcome

I can relate a lot to what you said about lit. Initially I felt like I was being more myself..but I wasn't really. I was just acting the way I did to cope with the abuse. Which was a kind of normal but not the essence of me. It got overwhelming because I couldn't say no. But I have a good core group of male friends on here that will happily talk to me about whatever..no sex talk required unless wanted. They help counteract the objectification.

I love your positive attitude we will all get there eventually. Everyone can heal

 

[JennyNo1]

Beth, I think this thread is a wonderful idea - it's kind of like a support group. I've noticed how you have been so honest and forthright with a couple of other women in other threads lately, and I really admire you. The fact that you are trying to help others get through some of the same things you've been through will be a great deal of help to you, too, I think. I haven't been through what any of you have other than an ex who had such low self-esteem that he tried to build himself up by bringing me down. It didn't last long before I got out, but it gave me just a little insight as to how insidious this type of thing can be, and how damaged you can wind up without realizing it. I hope and pray that those who are pouring out their stories here can find the support and guidance and understanding that they need.

 

[JennyNo1]

Since it looks like I killed this thread, or at least stunned it, I'm bumping it - it's a great thread.

 

[Beth87]

Beth, I think this thread is a wonderful idea - it's kind of like a support group. I've noticed how you have been so honest and forthright with a couple of other women in other threads lately, and I really admire you. The fact that you are trying to help others get through some of the same things you've been through will be a great deal of help to you, too, I think. I haven't been through what any of you have other than an ex who had such low self-esteem that he tried to build himself up by bringing me down. It didn't last long before I got out, but it gave me just a little insight as to how insidious this type of thing can be, and how damaged you can wind up without realizing it. I hope and pray that those who are pouring out their stories here can find the support and guidance and understanding that they need.

Thank you

Your experience is no less. The damage caused by emotional abuse can be just as life threatening. 'Insidious' is the right wrong. It affects people in so many ways that the effects are not always apparent. It changes how e make decisions, who we trust and how we feel about ourselves.

I hope sharing has been beneficial to you too

Since it looks like I killed this thread, or at least stunned it, I'm bumping it - it's a great thread.

No, sorry, this was my fault. If i dont reply when I read, I cant remember. What you wrote was thoughtful and honest. Please keep sharing

You're being too hard on yourself. Threads here sometimes take a little breather and then get going again. I don't think you're to blame.

^^ this

 

[JennyNo1]

You're being too hard on yourself. Threads here sometimes take a little breather and then get going again. I don't think you're to blame.

....No, sorry, this was my fault. If i dont reply when I read, I cant remember. What you wrote was thoughtful and honest. Please keep sharing



^^ this

I just really didn't want this to get lost in the shuffle. I think it can be really helpful to so many people.

 

[Beth87]

Thanks

I was coming to post in today.

Been an odd week for this subject really. When you're not in the depths of just trying to understand the world from this new viewpoint (before and after abuse or the realisation that abuse occurred). When you're past that, stuff comes up randomly and somewhat cyclic.

So I'm having one of those this week. Witnessing a young child using "flirty" behaviour to get and maintain attention was difficult. I know this is very very normal behaviour. Particularly for that age group. There's nothing really in it from their PoV it's not sexual, but children have a sensuality too and that forms part of their relationship skills. It used to be classed as precocious behaviour but it's not. Adults just tend to apply adult meanings to behaviour that mimics theirs..what it means for children is that they are learning more nuanced behaviour. Different ways of interacting.

All that being said, as a survivor, it's tough. On one hand witnessing this behaviour in a child makes me see how innocent it is and how vulnerable they are. On the other, it makes me wonder. Did I flirt?(with my abuser) Did I confuse the signals for them? was I the one to blame?

So I'm circling these thoughts. I know when I share them in therapy, he will tell me. No it wasn't my fault, but somehow feels like I now have proof of my blame.

 

[TheLM]

Let me help you:

You were not to blame.

 

[Beth87]

Let me help you:

You were not to blame.

One day I will get all of me to believe that thanks for the help - which it does

 

[lil_jenni]

It was somewhat different for me than for some others. Mine started in my teens (my older cousin's BF, who was twenty years older than me). I never felt like I had a choice until I started fooling around with guys my own age. For a long time, I thought it was something about me that led me to do what he wanted and let him 'teach' me how I was supposed to please men. I never thought about him being the one with a problem until he went to prison for doing the same thing to someone else.

Years later, even when I was in a great, long-term relationship, I could not really believe I was worth being loved like that. When I cheated on my BF, it sent me into months of chaos, including acting out sexually even worse than I had been in college and before.

After going as far as to work at a brothel for a few weeks, I took a hard look at myself and gave up both sex and alcohol for over a year. I ended up back together with my BF, and we are now engaged, but it has been a lot of work. He is an incredible man and loves me despite everything that I did.

We did not have sex for several months after we were back together, but once we started, it was all the time. And sometimes it is still rough and dirty, but just as often it is tender and loving, and I finally feel I am worth that.