sex and SCI ... any experiences?

[TashanaSt]

He fell wrong in a Rugby league game... broke C3/4 .. we were together for 53 weeks before his accident.. so it was a huge adjustment for both of us.

I found the hands to be a big problem.. the figners curling.. so I often help him along.. and make sure his nails are always short!
We have used injectable meds for maintaing an erection.. and cock rings.. but that, and single position can get boring. We have a few toys that he uses.. as well as one that straps on his chin so he can suck and fuck at the same time (that's kind of nice)
I don't know what continence device your partner has but if he uses a 'fish' (if he does you'll know) I have just, placed a condom over his cock for spontenaity.
Don't be afraid to ask him what feels good for him... he'll know and you will be able to assist him in that way...
Try to forget everything you know about 'normal' sex... and don't be offended if he can't get an erection or doesn't respond to you.. (it's not you it's the nature of the injury often)

Good luck.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Something just occurred me, as a guy, I'm very turned on by visual stimuli and so I like to watch. Have you considered placing a mirror somewhere or a TV/video camera live feed so that he can watch/see different angles while you two are messing around? Even without an injury, I'm all for those types of things.

 

[meowminx]

I don't know what continence device your partner has but if he uses a 'fish' (if he does you'll know) I have just, placed a condom over his cock for spontenaity.

Try to forget everything you know about 'normal' sex... and don't be offended if he can't get an erection or doesn't respond to you.. (it's not you it's the nature of the injury often)

No idea what this fish thing is, hmmm... He's got a suprapubic catheter in, that's all I know. I haven't really played down there a lot yet, but I'm scared I'll knock/pull something out when I do. The times when I had caught him with an erection were when he was still asleep in the morning, and because we haven't talked about any of it yet, I was a little apprehensive about going there (with him unable to feel it, and still asleep), I didn't want to feel like a molestor! The next time it happened, I was too excited to do anything! I didn't even know penetrative sex was possible, and by the time I got my shit together, it was gone...
Oh and I was reading the other threads on here and read what someone said about 'normal' sex: Normal is just a setting on a dishwasher! Hahah! Weird thing is, it's not the lack of erection that bothers me, it's the other stuff, the squeezes, the cuddles, the spooning...

Something just occurred me, as a guy, I'm very turned on by visual stimuli and so I like to watch. Have you considered placing a mirror somewhere or a TV/video camera live feed so that he can watch/see different angles while you two are messing around? Even without an injury, I'm all for those types of things.

Hi, TD
haven't really thought about it, but it could be a fun thing to try. TV thing may not be so easy, because he watches it on a projector on the screen that doubles up as blinds in his bedroom. Could be embarassing if neighbours could see it on the other side of the blinds haha! His laptop webcam might be a go though, I might chat to him and see what he thinks he did just get a new macbook pro with a gorgeous HD screen

 

[Guest]

Meow,
If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. Try not to muddy the waters with preconceived problems that have yet to be manifested. Enjoy what you have and go with it from a positive stand point. Any negativity brought into the mix is going to be of your own choice.

very sound advice.

thinking and sex don't mix.

feel it...do it.

 

[Jagged]

I had a friend who met a very nice man online playing Hero Quest, whose disabled due to a very painful illness. A once athletic and very active man was reduced to using a wheel chair and was often in pain. Though I don't recall the name of the disease many of those with it commit suicide rather than live with the pain. I know they broke up, but they did enjoy being together and had a physical relationship.


She revealed he enjoyed her doing lap dances for him and dancing in front of him. She often commented that the pain would dissipate while "distracted". Being confined to a wheel chair he wasn't interested in S&M, but she said the drive and desire was still there.....biggest difference was you just needed to plan, and be patient.

Just a little anecdotal information for you...be there and be loving. Make adjustments like other aspects in their life, and be there for them.

 

[cj405]

He's got a suprapubic catheter in, that's all I know. I haven't really played down there a lot yet, but I'm scared I'll knock/pull something out when I do.

That is not a problem for me. (Incomplete quad male with suprapubic -- not due to SCI). If he has a colostomy I might refer you to http://www.uoaa.org/ostomy_info/factsheets/facts_man_en.shtml and the UOAA site in general.

 

[TashanaSt]

"No idea what this fish thing is, hmmm... He's got a suprapubic catheter in, that's all I know. I haven't really played down there a lot yet, but I'm scared I'll knock/pull something out when I do. The times when I had caught him with an erection were when he was still asleep in the morning, and because we haven't talked about any of it yet, I was a little apprehensive about going there (with him unable to feel it, and still asleep), I didn't want to feel like a molestor! The next time it happened, I was too excited to do anything! I didn't even know penetrative sex was possible, and by the time I got my shit together, it was gone...
Oh and I was reading the other threads on here and read what someone said about 'normal' sex: Normal is just a setting on a dishwasher! Hahah! Weird thing is, it's not the lack of erection that bothers me, it's the other stuff, the squeezes, the cuddles, the spooning..."


The catherter shouldn't pose much of a problem.. though I'm not intimately familiar with them. I'm sure he'll know what he's capable of.

I won't lie to you.. I admit that the lack of cuddles on the couch and spooning.. god even a light rub when I'm tired can become a big issue. For me it's almost like living with a flat mate at times than a husband... and there are times that I feel more like a carer than a wife. The key is open honesty and talking about what you miss. After 14 years of living like this I am almost at my end.. but we have lasted a long time and you can too.. you might even be stronger than I in this regard.
Open honesty.. talk to him about your fears and ask him what he likes.. tell him what you like and then figure out a way to work with what you have.
Good luck.. and enjoy the journey.

 

[DoAQuad]

I'm a c6/c7 quad from a diving accident and would love to answer any questions you have. My number one piece of advice is don't be afraid to ask him questions. Of all the quads I've ran into while playing quad rugby I'm yet to meet anyone that doesn't love getting questions from able bodies and getting to talk about it.

 

[meowminx]

I'm a c6/c7 quad from a diving accident and would love to answer any questions you have. My number one piece of advice is don't be afraid to ask him questions. Of all the quads I've ran into while playing quad rugby I'm yet to meet anyone that doesn't love getting questions from able bodies and getting to talk about it.

Hey, thanks for your reply (and everyone else)!
I know what you're saying but I'm really crap at expressing myself and voicing my concerns I guess... My last relationship kinda scarred me like that, so I'm still stuck in that 'I'd rather keep my mouth shut, and deal with it on my own' mentality. I'm reluctant to ask questions, because I'm scared of the answers.

I stayed at his place last night, and helped him get to bed for the first time ever... Woke up this morning feeling really weird about it, like I need to get away for a little bit to just digest all of this, and I feel really selfish for it... again, the mornings are really hard, it just feels so lonely not getting cuddles back, and I don't want him to see me cry, because I feel his situation is so much worse than mine ever will be...
Bah

God I sound scattered today

 

[skillz034]

para here

I am a paraplegic at T10/T11 so my injury is a lot lower than your boyfriend. I'm going on about 4 years so i am far less into my injury than him. People in our situations a lot of times or not perceived as normal. It sucks cuz we definitely do have limitations, and so yes you cannot blame anybody for wanting normalcy. You seem as though you truly love and care about him, but at the same time when the honeymoon stages are not so new anymore, things can get old. However, there are a lot of things that can be used to switch things up. For instance, check out intimaterider.com.

On another note, you said something about not messin around down there on him. It took me a while to be comfortable with girl fondling my area. But i mean even though i have limited sensation down there, getting a blowjob is still amazing. There are certain sensations that feel good, and just watching somebody sucking your penis is just a pleasureable visual experience. If he cant get hard, you can get viagra and you riding him would be a very pleasurealbe experience for him as well. Just the thought of a woman getting off on your cock is exhilirating. i would definitely say be open and comfortable with him. The more open you are with each other, the more comfortable it can be. Because on our part we need to know you are comfortable with everything cuz we know that it can be a difficult situation to deal with.

Having an sci myself feel free to msg me at anytime. I would love to give you any insight that us people deal with. ask anyquestion u feel and i will give u advice to the best of my ability.

 

[hook848]

Real men are not scared of pussy.

Hello minx,

I like the quote above. I must make it my new motto!

Thanks for starting this thread. This old quad has gained some insight regarding the emotions a partner would be dealing with early in a relationship.

That's what I like about Lit. You can get honest answers to questions that just aren't asked elsewhere.

Thanks for sharing!

Hook

 

[meowminx]

I am a paraplegic at T10/T11 so my injury is a lot lower than your boyfriend. I'm going on about 4 years so i am far less into my injury than him. People in our situations a lot of times or not perceived as normal. It sucks cuz we definitely do have limitations, and so yes you cannot blame anybody for wanting normalcy. You seem as though you truly love and care about him, but at the same time when the honeymoon stages are not so new anymore, things can get old. However, there are a lot of things that can be used to switch things up. For instance, check out intimaterider.com.

Hey hon, thanks for your comment, much appreciated, it makes me feel like I'm not the only, or the first or last person to ever feel this way. I agree with you on the honeymoon period thing, in fact, I'm slightly starting to feel a little that way, a little frustrated and a little stressed. More to do with everyday life stuff than sex, but enough to make me think and consider things in a little more realistic light. Had a big talk tonight so I hope I'll get back on track soon. Thanks for the link too, I never knew stuff like that existed.

Hello minx,
Thanks for starting this thread. This old quad has gained some insight regarding the emotions a partner would be dealing with early in a relationship.

Hi Hook!
I realised I never replied to your most recent PM, I apologise, I've been ridiculously busy with writing my thesis and working. Thanks for dropping by.

As I mentioned, I am starting to feel a little frustrated with the situation we're in. My man had some complications last week, a major infection that floored him with a hardcore fever and left him in bed for a few days. Pretty sure it had something to do with the catheter thing, but he doesn't tell me. I guess I don't really ask, but still...
This is not the first time he'd fallen ill since we've been together, but by some strange coincidence (and I KNOW it's a coincidence, I'm not being sarcastic), it always seems to happen whenever *I* planned for something for us to do. He had to break plans with me about 3 of 4 times in a row, and reasonable Meow knows it's just a coincidence, but tantrum throwing selfish Meow is reading all sorts of bad things into it, and is starting to resent the whole thing. I'm having trouble telling him when I'm feeling upset, and it leaves me frustrated and passive aggressive. And I hate it.
I'm almost avoiding staying at his place, because I know how lonely I feel in his bed. Last week I crashed there after a night out, already fueled by too many beers, and I cried silently most of the night, desperate for him to squeeze and hug me. I've just gone through a rough few weeks at university, I had some major issues with my ex, and what I badly need is to feel the comfort of another person's touch. It's the single one thing that he can't provide. And I don't want to tell him how much I miss it, because it's out of his control and he probably feels just as upset (probably more so), so why bring it up, why make him feel worse?

I don't know, I'm feeling a little lost, a little emotionaly drained, and it's got zero to do with sex now, it's more about comfort and that other level of intimacy. I'm sorry to rant like this, I guess I'm in a venting mood.

Hope you are all doing well... and thanks again for your input, it's greatly appreciated...
xo

 

[Bed_Bunny]

I'm very uneducated about this, and found this thread facinating. You can never know too much and all!
With the touches and cuddles, a few things came to mind for me. I can relate to it in some way because I spent a long time in a long distance relationship, and some of the feelings can be the same, if not the cause.
First off I'm wondering how durable he is. I mean, does he absolutly have to sleep on his back for health reasons? Or could you just grab his arm and pull him half over you? Just wrap him around you a little? I know that might take a bit of strength on your part, and you should try it with him awake first for feedback and all, but I just can't see why it wouldn't be possible.

Other than that, have you thought of verbally role playing with him? It might be less awkward to do this over the phone the first few times, but the mind can be conditioned to respond to words in the same way it does actions.
From what I can gather, most if not all, of the pleasure you give him sexually is from a mental/visual standpoint, so if you could join him on that level and learn to use your mind as the key to your own pleasure, that could help you a lot.
I'm going to sound like a hippy now, but there are also types of join mediation that can bring very deep levels of intimacy, so that too might be worth some googling.

Best of luck to you!