Sex therapists

[phillyinjun]

I went to one, paying $125 per hour, I really did not get much out of the whole process and stopped after 4 sessions.

Does anyone have success stories with sex therapists?

I am in Philadelphia - let me know if there isvanyone you would recommend.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

I went to one, paying $125 per hour, I really did not get much out of the whole process and stopped after 4 sessions.

Does anyone have success stories with sex therapists?

I am in Philadelphia - let me know if there isvanyone you would recommend.

No offense meant to you personally, but why did you go to a sex therapist? What could a sex therapist possibly know about sex that no one else knows? Since this is an anonymous board, and no one can know who you really are; why not ask your question here and see if anyone has a suggestion. Keep in mind, just because someone has a suggestion, doesn’t mean you have to take it, but you never know, it might help.

 

[phillyinjun]

No offense meant to you personally, but why did you go to a sex therapist? What could a sex therapist possibly know about sex that no one else knows? Since this is an anonymous board, and no one can know who you really are; why not ask your question here and see if anyone has a suggestion. Keep in mind, just because someone has a suggestion, doesn’t mean you have to take it, but you never know, it might help.

None taken! I did wonder if i should rehash my story with my question but decided not to because I want to hear other stories, not make it about me.

I promise I will describe my situation later.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

None taken! I did wonder if i should rehash my story with my question but decided not to because I want to hear other stories, not make it about me.

I promise I will describe my situation later.

No problem, just a thought. But I'm not sure what kind of stories you are looking for? Sexual encounters? Sexual problems? Fantasies?

 

[phillyinjun]

No problem, just a thought. But I'm not sure what kind of stories you are looking for? Sexual encounters? Sexual problems? Fantasies?

Anything where sex therapy helped.

 

[SweetErika]

Yeah, it would help if you told us what you were going to therapy for. It is your thread, after all, and I don't see how sharing that info could hurt.

I've heard some success stories regarding sex therapy for various issues from people in my community and beyond, so I'm sure it does work when the issues are solvable, the therapist is sharp and the therapist and client are a good match.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Since no one else has posted, I will throw out another thought.

Personally, I have never felt the need to go to a therapist, nor believed that a sex therapist, (by the nature of their field), is of any use to anyone. An example: If a man feels sexually drawn to have sex with his daughter, a sex therapist would be legally bound, (in most states), to report the crime. Even if both father and daughter were of legal age, it is still a crime.

And if the therapist did not feel compelled to report the father, there are still legal liabilities for the therapist. If the patient misinterpreted the therapist’s advice, and things went terribly wrong between father and daughter, the therapist could be sued and possibly lose his/her license. When there are legal liabilities involved, a person could be paying a therapist $100 + and receiving no help at all.

Also, in cases of sexual issues such as this, a therapist can never really know the whole story. In this case, the daughter may want to fuck the father, and be flirting with him. If the therapist doesn’t treat both father and daughter, in this case, any advice the therapist gave the father would be mute.

In my opinion, sexual attraction is a normal human instinct, for which there is no effective treatment, even when the attraction is considered deviant. Treating sexual attraction is like treating someone for being gay. People are what they are.

This could be an interesting thread. I hope other people post.

 

[subwannabe]

You definetly didn't give us anything to go on. My personal opinion is that overall, most all therapists of all kinds are expensive and worthless. Not to say you can't find a diamond in all that dirt but there is just too much dirt! Off the top of my head I can't even think of a reason to go to a sex therapist. If communication is the problem you don't really need a sex therapist. If you are wanting to try new things you don't really need a sex therapist. Maybe a sex therapist would be helpful if one person had some kind of physical problem or was disabled or something. That's the only thing that comes to mind.

 

[phillyinjun]

You definetly didn't give us anything to go on. My personal opinion is that overall, most all therapists of all kinds are expensive and worthless. Not to say you can't find a diamond in all that dirt but there is just too much dirt! Off the top of my head I can't even think of a reason to go to a sex therapist. If communication is the problem you don't really need a sex therapist. If you are wanting to try new things you don't really need a sex therapist. Maybe a sex therapist would be helpful if one person had some kind of physical problem or was disabled or something. That's the only thing that comes to mind.

Whoa, you read my mind and you were right on with the communication aspect!

I described my situation some time back. I grew up very conservative and have always been around Christian folk. So I grew up believing I had to fight sexual urges and desires. Masturbation was something I had to fight, I believed.

Several years after I got married, something personal came up and my wife basically lost interest in sex. For two or more years, we did not have sex - when we did try, it was just not pleasurable. All through this, we were deeply in love and I was supportive.

That is when I started to sneak off onto the internet, full of guilt as I used porn, started to cyber then cam. Finally I faced up to myself and let go of my hang ups. I cannot begin to tell you how free I felt! I wrote erotica, met women, had phone sex... you get the picture.

Meantime, my wife came out of the funk and we started to get physical again. Still in love, I found that I had changed a lot and wanted more from her. She doesn't even masturbate... That is one side of what I went to the therapist for - how do I help my wife? (No, she won't go to therapy because she thinks all is fine.)

The bigger issue was me - should I revert back to the old person? How could I? I could attend Sexaholics Anon, but I am not addicted to it.

I went into therapy expecting great answers but got little. Sounded like they wanted my money more than anything else.

"My personal opinion is that overall, most all therapists of all kinds are expensive and worthless." Hahahaha...

Charlie

 

[subwannabe]

Sad story. I don't know what to tell you but I don't think the answer is living a lie and doing things behind your wife's back - especially if cheating is involved. I don't think you can change yourself back and it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to take your wife along for the ride with your new feelings. My best advice is to confront the whole situation, be honest, and then let the chips fall where they may. It might be a little messy at first but hopefully you will be able to pick up the pieces and eventually be much happier than you are now.

 

[coastal-boy]

What is your belief system concerning counseling? What do others around your conservative upbringing think of counseling? What is your wife's belief?

My gut feeling is this isn't really about any sexual issue, but about underlying beliefs that are easily seen through a sexual context. Maybe if you focus on talking with your wife about those, the sexual "issues" will come along for the ride?

 

[SweetErika]

Meantime, my wife came out of the funk and we started to get physical again. Still in love, I found that I had changed a lot and wanted more from her. She doesn't even masturbate... That is one side of what I went to the therapist for - how do I help my wife? (No, she won't go to therapy because she thinks all is fine.)

The bigger issue was me - should I revert back to the old person? How could I? I could attend Sexaholics Anon, but I am not addicted to it.

I went into therapy expecting great answers but got little. Sounded like they wanted my money more than anything else.

It sounds like, in essence, you went to therapy to try to change your wife. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way, buddy; we get help to change ourselves, not the people around us. And it sounds like you don't want to, or believe you can't, change yourself, regarding your sexual views and needs.

You can expect a therapist to help you make your own decisions, give you an honest take on you, help you communicate better, etc., but expecting them to change someone they've never met is a fool's errand. Even you can change your wife, and you have intimate knowledge of her! She has to want to change herself, and it doesn't sound like she's committed to doing that if she's not even willing to try therapy.

So, yeah, you wasted your time and money because you went for a problem that can't be solved. I don't know how your sessions went or your therapist dealt with things, but I would have clearly told you, "We can't work on your issues of X, Y and Z, but if you're expecting therapy to change your wife, it's probably not the best place for you."

You also could have gotten a bad therapist, or one who just wasn't a good fit for you. That doesn't mean all sex therapists are useful, or even that you can't benefit from therapy; it just means you should have interviewed better and evaluated whether it was helping sooner.

If I take my car in for a tune-up and it still runs really rough after, I don't automatically assume all mechanics are useless, I figure I went to a lousy one and/or my car has a different problem (possibly one that I'm unwilling to fix or a mechanic can't fix because the issue has to do with the bumpy roads I travel on, etc.).

If you don't want to change, and your wife doesn't want to change, it's probably time to evaluate whether or not you two want to be in this relationship.

That'll be $62.50, please.

 

[phillyinjun]

Sad story. I don't know what to tell you but I don't think the answer is living a lie and doing things behind your wife's back - especially if cheating is involved. I don't think you can change yourself back and it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to take your wife along for the ride with your new feelings. My best advice is to confront the whole situation, be honest, and then let the chips fall where they may. It might be a little messy at first but hopefully you will be able to pick up the pieces and eventually be much happier than you are now.

Yeah, well. Let me think about that for a minute: Eeeeek!

Seriously, it may come to that. I will tell you that if I had to choose, I would choose my wife. Hopefully she will understand and walk me back to that repressed life...

Not a sad story at all, not yet. I am really fortunate.

 

[phillyinjun]

What is your belief system concerning counseling? What do others around your conservative upbringing think of counseling? What is your wife's belief?

My gut feeling is this isn't really about any sexual issue, but about underlying beliefs that are easily seen through a sexual context. Maybe if you focus on talking with your wife about those, the sexual "issues" will come along for the ride?

I have no issues with counseling, neither has my wife. And my friends have no problems either.

One hopes that talking will work, I agree with you. In fact I have been talking to her more frankly about my needs and I think it is bearing fruit. Not fast enough or far enough, but there is some hope.

 

[phillyinjun]

It sounds like, in essence, you went to therapy to try to change your wife. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way, buddy; we get help to change ourselves, not the people around us.

See, you aren't worth the $62.50 either

I actually went in to see if I was *normal*, I was ready to get castrated if I needed to because I had changed so quickly.

But I only wanted to change back if it was abnormal to be the person I had become. I did not go to my pastor or church counselor because they would have given me the stock answer and talk me out of what I was discovering about myself.

So that is how I went to therapy, ready for her to tell me to change. She did confirm that there were others like me but she said I was one of the least conflicted people she had seen - given the situation. (Of course, I then wondered if I was a sociopath, which meant I probably was not.)

She confirmed I should not lie to my wife. She said that she thought my wife could use therapy but that she would need to desire that for herself. So no idea except be patient and work through it. She asked me about divorce and I told her that was not an option because I love my wife. I would choose castration over divorce, assuming she still wanted to stay with me.

I am the one who brought up Sexaholics Anon (they had meetings in that building) but she said it would really sad if I reverted back to the person I had been. I had to agree with her

My original post did not say I thought all therapists were useless. I was quoting someone else, and laughed.

 

[coastal-boy]

I have no issues with counseling, neither has my wife. And my friends have no problems either.

This may be true...but that is not how you are presenting it here. I'm not trying to be confrontational but re-read your first post. What does the cost have to do with "success" of therapy? Yet the fifth word of your post referred to it. So why was it added? Because there are other underlying motives. You think it costs too much (for the benefits gained). This is re-iterated in your third post where you state "Sounded like they wanted my money more than anything else". This DID affect your belief system. So when did you decide that it was too expensive? I would bet there is a really good chance you went into this experience with this opinion already in hand because otherwise, it is far less likely that these comments would have just "slipped" into your posts as they did. It would have been just about it not meeting your needs. And if you did go in with this expectation (that it is expensive), what kind of success (and pressure) would you expect?

You stated that in part, you went to counseling to answer "how do I help my wife". But you stated that "she thinks all is fine." So here you are placing your opinion of what she "needs" over her own opinion. You are transferring your wants to her needs. Again, what kind of success would you expect here? SweetErika really hit the nail on the head with her earlier post imo.

I'm not saying I think you should give counseling another shot or not. I am saying I think the issues you are really dealing with have nothing to do with sex. It has to do with growing together instead of separately as a couple. I think you know that, and that is what is scary because you fear you have to "give" something up that you have found to be part of you and to live without it is no longer enough. Yet, you'd do that because you love her even at the risk of causing resentments. To me, the question really is "How do we grow back together after years of growing separately?"

Of course, I could be 100% wrong about everything.

 

[coastal-boy]

See, you aren't worth the $62.50 either

I actually went in to see if I was *normal*, I was ready to get castrated if I needed to because I had changed so quickly.

But I only wanted to change back if it was abnormal to be the person I had become. I did not go to my pastor or church counselor because they would have given me the stock answer and talk me out of what I was discovering about myself.

So that is how I went to therapy, ready for her to tell me to change. She did confirm that there were others like me but she said I was one of the least conflicted people she had seen - given the situation. (Of course, I then wondered if I was a sociopath, which meant I probably was not.)

She confirmed I should not lie to my wife. She said that she thought my wife could use therapy but that she would need to desire that for herself. So no idea except be patient and work through it. She asked me about divorce and I told her that was not an option because I love my wife. I would choose castration over divorce, assuming she still wanted to stay with me.

I am the one who brought up Sexaholics Anon (they had meetings in that building) but she said it would really sad if I reverted back to the person I had been. I had to agree with her

My original post did not say I thought all therapists were useless. I was quoting someone else, and laughed.

See...I wouldn't say this was wasted money. I think you gained valuable knowledge here

 

[satindesire]

If you agreed with the therapist, why do you find that not a successful run at counseling?

Seems like the therapist told you exactly what you needed to do in order to be happy.

I would consider this good, not bad, regardless of the cost.

Why does the money have anything to do with this, in any way? Happiness and a good marriage, can you honestly put a price on that? Why is a few hundred bucks too much to get right in your own mind and find contentment within your life?

 

[phillyinjun]

You stated that in part, you went to counseling to answer "how do I help my wife". But you stated that "she thinks all is fine." So here you are placing your opinion of what she "needs" over her own opinion. You are transferring your...

One wonders if you are defending your trade. Just wondering, not needing to know.

I don't understand the connection between my belief about counseling and that I found the one I went to expensive. $125 for 45 minutes was something I could not afford and I did not find it helpful after 4 sessions. This was 4 years ago and I am willing to try again, thus my first post. Not sure what else I can say there.

As to the rest of your argument, you may be 100% correct but you'd have tompay me to find out.

 

[phillyinjun]

If you agreed with the therapist, why do you find that not a successful run at counseling?

Seems like the therapist told you exactly what you needed to do in order to be happy.

I would consider this good, not bad, regardless of the cost.

Why does the money have anything to do with this, in any way? Happiness and a good marriage, can you honestly put a price on that? Why is a few hundred bucks too much to get right in your own mind and find contentment within your life?

Sigh. Read my first post, willing to try again. Trying to get encouragement to do so. Don't want to waste money.

I really need therapy now.

 

[SweetErika]

It sounds like the therapist confirmed what you thought and gave you perfectly good advice. So what's the problem now, four years later?

If the issue is with your wife, you need couples therapy, or at least to go to therapy on your own with the expectation that the only things you can learn are to communicate better, make the right decisions for you and grow as a person.

 

[satindesire]

Sigh. Read my first post, willing to try again. Trying to get encouragement to do so. Don't want to waste money.

I really need therapy now.

I went to one, paying $125 per hour, I really did not get much out of the whole process and stopped after 4 sessions.

Does anyone have success stories with sex therapists?

I am in Philadelphia - let me know if there isvanyone you would recommend.

THAT is your first post.

In your entire thread, you've implied more than once that you don't really want the expense and other stuff like you don't see the point, don't think it helped, etc. If you really need help, money shouldn't be the one thing that stops you. You DID get help, but it didn't solve your problem because your problem is with your wife. She didn't go. That's what you need to fix. Therapy can only do so much for one person, and a COUPLE with problems is TWO people.

My post stands.

 

[SweetErika]

FWIW, I interpreted your first post to be:

I paid for sex therapy and I feel ripped off because it didn't work the way I wanted it to. Is it ever worth the money, or is it always a scam?

It doesn't seem like that's what you intended, but that's how it read to me, and others, it seems. So maybe you need to be more descriptive and clear in your posts.

 

[coastal-boy]

One wonders if you are defending your trade. Just wondering, not needing to know.

I don't understand the connection between my belief about counseling and that I found the one I went to expensive. $125 for 45 minutes was something I could not afford and I did not find it helpful after 4 sessions. This was 4 years ago and I am willing to try again, thus my first post. Not sure what else I can say there.

As to the rest of your argument, you may be 100% correct but you'd have tompay me to find out.

I am not a therapist. Not even close to my profession. Just observant.

By the way, I assumed that you just recently went to counseling...not 4 yrs ago...if I had that piece of info, I wouldn't have even bothered trying to point out the inconsistencies I saw. Too late with too much water under the bridge.