sex vs. intimacy?

[NaiveOne]

Hi,

This isn't necessarily a problem, it depends how you look at it. Intimacy is an important part of a serious relationship. Intimacy is really the ability to feel totally comfortable with someone. If you cannot do this at the moment it is probably because you have yet to get over your intimate relationship. This can take time, but also, if you find someone new, who is important you will get those feelings back again. Don't beat yourself up about it, time is the answer. So go easy on yourself and keep doing what you are doing, things will improve.

All the best. L2L

Thanks very much for your post, L2L. I appretiate your insight

 

[NaiveOne]

That is interesting.

I have no clue, just wanted to say I'll rack my brain and see if I can't find anything to help you.

Ang

Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!

 

[NaiveOne]

I remember your thread now...

When my relationship with my ex-fiance ended, I lost interest in sex for a while. Masturbating wasn't something I cared for. I didn't care if I had an orgasm. It didn't matter, because I was so used to having them with him, I didn't want to have them with myself. It took several months for me to get past that.

Does your friend know all these things about you? Does HE feel as though you are using him for the sex? You say you talk and laugh and enjoy each other in other ways, so to me it doesn't sound like you are using him at all.

Ask yourself these questions: Would I be able to have phone sex with any random guy? Would I be able to enjoy masturbating as long as I had a voice to help me along, no matter who it is? Or is it THAT man, and that intimacy, that sets me off?

If you can answer those questions in a positive light, then you aren't using him. You are enjoying him. Which are two entirely different things.

God, I hope that all made sense.

S.

You make sense, as usual sheath

I'm sure I can answer positively to the above mentioned questions, except he knows I would like to talk to him more than he has time for. But I usually voice my desire to talk to him more in an encouraging way, instead of laying on a guilt trip. And he knows I value him as a friend above all else. I would also say it is him, the person, not any random male who can get me going.

I guess I just need more time.

You said it took you several months to get past not wanting to orgasm alone. Do you think it was easier to get past because he became a complete FK?

 

[Guest]

 

[sheath]

You said it took you several months to get past not wanting to orgasm alone. Do you think it was easier to get past because he became a complete FK?

Good question. When I did fully realize what he had done to me, I felt an incredible sense of freedom and relief that he was no longer in my life, and no longer able to do those things to me. And yes, that is when quite a bit of my sexual desire came back.

Another factor, though, was the attention of my male friends. So many of them kept telling me, over and over...'you are beautiful, you are special, and he didn't deserve you.' If you hear something often enough, you begin to believe it. And slowly, they worked through those walls of negativity the Music Man had erected around my heart and my self-esteem.

When I began to believe THEM instead of HIM, that is when my sexual desire was fully restored.

Now I'm insatiable. But that's a whole other thread...

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

I guess I would have to ask you...WHY do you have to separate the two? It sounds like you have both with your cyber friend. Why would you want to just focus on one or the other if you can have the best of both worlds?

I think the problem described by naiveone may in fact illustrate another aspect of intimacy. There are two facets of intimacy, emotional and physical. And by physical I do not mean sex!

Emotionally you can derive some degree of intimacy from something like a cyber buddy. The problem I always found with cyber buddies is you really can't hug a monitor and kissing your mouse is a rather empty experience. Cybersex always left me feeling very much alone because when it was all over, it was just a shared masterbation session with someone who really isn't there.

The physical side of intimacy, the hugs, the quick kisses, or the back rubs etc are a needed component in my opinion.

People need reassurance. They need to know that their partner enjoys having them around. Intimacy, both emotional and physical provides just that. Its a way of saying "I care" without words.

Intimacy also provides people with an anchor. When the world is shitting on you big time, its nice to know you can go home and find someone there that still cares despite the boss, despite the bills, despite the crap going on elsewhere in your life. Its a way of bleeding off stress in a safe sane way.

Emotionally we all like to feel needed. We all like to know we have someone that won't care if we screwed up that report, or will be more concerned about us than the car we just got dinged.

Perhaps sex should be rolled into the physical aspects of intimacy, but I don't think its a good place for it. Intimacy describes a state of relationship, while sex is an expression of that state.

 

[NaiveOne]

Hello again friends,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to all of your wisdom, which I very much appretiate. Unfortunately I'm incoherently tired right now, but I'll do my best to respond.

Hooch, the different perspective thing is something that I really need to try. Instead of focusing on what I don't have (my ex, who I still love too much), I need to focus on what I do have (a satisfying relationship, including intimacy, with my wonderful cyber friend). And maybe you are right, maybe I don't need to go back to what I was, maybe I am a better person because of it. Of course, this is easy to say, but harder to do. I will try, though. Many of the posts I have read of yours have also contained sincerity, truth, and care. Thank you for sharing some of that with me. And thank you for sharing your own experiences, what you say means more and has more credibility with personal examples. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Sheath- I can only hope I can feel like you do and soon!! Thank you

Bobmi, I think you were onto something whan you said "Intimacy describes a state of relationship, while sex is an expression of that state." Honestly, I do very, very much miss the physical aspect of intimacy. Now that I have experienced it, I miss it all the more. Recently, I have been missing it more than usual. I do have some emotional intimacy, which I appretiate from my cyber friend. But you're right- it's not the same, as fufilling as when coupled with physical. I think it's that reassurance part.

My conclusion:

I've decided not to worry anymore about being able to take care of myself, in that sexual way. It will come in time, when I can detach myelf more from the intimacy I used to have.

I've decided not to worry about "using" my cyber buddy, as long as I continue to treat him with the respect that I have always given him- the respect that he completely deserves.

Although I don't know how, I'm going to try and "get over" my ex. I still love him, on some crazy mixed-up level, and it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I can't breathe. Maybe someday you all will hear the whole story. And maybe someday my cyber buddy will realize what a gem I am- so I can love someone more worthy than the man who tore my heart in two.

So this sex vs. intimacy thing is an important aspect of life and love to understand. For me it will take time, but I'm willing to wait if it means happiness in the end.

Thank you all, I can't say thank you enough for giving me a place to figure out my issues, a place to vent them, and a place to recieve advice and care.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

intimacy is such a beautiful ting oooh how i miss it

 

[SanDguy_22]

intimacy...
falling next to someone without the need for sex.

sex...
falling asleep next to someone because your too tired to do antyhing else.

 

[sheath]

intimacy...
falling next to someone without the need for sex.

sex...
falling asleep next to someone because your too tired to do antyhing else.

You know...I really, really like the way you put that.

S.

 

[SanDguy_22]

im glad to place my input...

Seemingly even i know something.

 

[ahooohgah]

Well, I really and truly did not mean to ignore this thread once I started it, but I had to leave town for a few days as soon as I posted it, and just got back. Looks like it was in good hands, however! Thanks for all the interest....

I suppose I knew all along how sex and intimacy are different. You all confirmed it quite nicely, and added a bunch of interesting sidebars to the debate.

I guess.....struggling to say what I mean here......can you have sex with the one you're intimate with? I should be able to fuck my wife with abandon if that's what I am hearing. I wish I could find what sheath said that piqued my interest, but so far I can't. If anyone can find it.....sheath?......paste it here, willya? She said something about knowing the difference, and knowing the time to have it each way.

I'm not the least bit interested in sex for sex's sake, with someone I'm not intimate with, but I think I could truly get into sex with my intimate partner.

 

[sheath]

I guess.....struggling to say what I mean here......can you have sex with the one you're intimate with? I should be able to fuck my wife with abandon if that's what I am hearing. I wish I could find what sheath said that piqued my interest, but so far I can't. If anyone can find it.....sheath?......paste it here, willya? She said something about knowing the difference, and knowing the time to have it each way.

I'm not the least bit interested in sex for sex's sake, with someone I'm not intimate with, but I think I could truly get into sex with my intimate partner.

You rang, darlin'?

This was originally posted on a thread entitled 'How much does sex change things' or something like that, started by CodeRed...ummm...if I got that all wrong, I'm sorry.

This is what I posted there:

***

The most important thing I ever learned about sex? Never confuse sex with intimacy. And don't confuse sex with love.

Once you move into a sexual relationship, things are going to change. Period. You simply cannot do something of that magnitude and ever go back to the people you were before it began. You can handle that, though...if you know the place sex holds in your relationship.

If there comes a time when she doesn't want sex, or you don't, it does NOT mean the love has diminished. It is so easy to begin to equate that physical desire with the desires of the heart...but while they are related, they are two different things.

Intimacy is what the two of you have now...the open minds, the caring, the discussions on what is right and wrong. Once sex comes into play, intimacy sometimes becomes a little blurry. Don't let that happen. Don't let sex become a substitute for those things you have right now. If you do, then it becomes a burden, believe it or not. And nobody ever wants that.

So...use protection, know yourself and each other well enough to move forward, and always keep the sex in perspective.

***

S.

 

[ahooohgah]

Indeed I did rang, and thank you for that quick response. But guess what? As fine a post as that was, that ain't the one I read. I'm off on a safari to find the missing post myself!

 

[sheath]

Indeed I did rang, and thank you for that quick response. But guess what? As fine a post as that was, that ain't the one I read. I'm off on a safari to find the missing post myself!

Wow...okay, you know you are REALLY burned out when you can't even remember what you wrote and where you wrote it.

I need sleep. *sigh*

Okay, back to the thread. This one is just too damn good to hijack!



S.

 

[Mrs. Brat]

I think the problem described by naiveone may in fact illustrate another aspect of intimacy. There are two facets of intimacy, emotional and physical. And by physical I do not mean sex!

Emotionally you can derive some degree of intimacy from something like a cyber buddy. The problem I always found with cyber buddies is you really can't hug a monitor and kissing your mouse is a rather empty experience. Cybersex always left me feeling very much alone because when it was all over, it was just a shared masterbation session with someone who really isn't there.

The physical side of intimacy, the hugs, the quick kisses, or the back rubs etc are a needed component in my opinion.

People need reassurance. They need to know that their partner enjoys having them around. Intimacy, both emotional and physical provides just that. Its a way of saying "I care" without words.

Intimacy also provides people with an anchor. When the world is shitting on you big time, its nice to know you can go home and find someone there that still cares despite the boss, despite the bills, despite the crap going on elsewhere in your life. Its a way of bleeding off stress in a safe sane way.

Emotionally we all like to feel needed. We all like to know we have someone that won't care if we screwed up that report, or will be more concerned about us than the car we just got dinged.

Perhaps sex should be rolled into the physical aspects of intimacy, but I don't think its a good place for it. Intimacy describes a state of relationship, while sex is an expression of that state.

I've lurked here for a long time, but I had to register so I could respond to this thread, and particularly this post. I think it is the best one I have read during my time visiting here.

I've read enough to know that infidelity is looked down upon on this board, but my married lover is a very good example of what Bobmi357 is saying here.

G is a wonderful man in a very difficult situation. His wife has been battling a chronic (and possibly fatal) illness for most of their marriage. He loves her and would never think of divorcing her, but with all the pain and changes in mood her health problems cause, the intimacy they once shared no longer exists and more than likely will never return.

Not wanting to be selfish and put demands on a woman who has as little control over the situation as he does, G quietly endured for several years, but eventually the very human need to be cared for and appreciated, and to simply be acknowledged, led him to me. Although part of our realtionship is sexual in nature, what he needs most from me is the emotional connection that we share. Most times it is enough just to sit together at a restaurant and talk about the everyday stresses we go through or lay with him in my arms and stroke his hair and face until he falls into a peaceful slumber. Those few hours where he relinquishes the caretaker role he so bravely performs to be the one taken care of gives him the emotional strength and energy to continue helping his wife fight her battle against this awful disease.

Condemn him or me if you will for how we are handling things, but the fact still remains that most people need some type of intimacy in their lives in order to face the daily struggle known as life.

 

[midwestyankee]

I've lurked here for a long time, but I had to register so I could respond to this thread, and particularly this post. I think it is the best one I have read during my time visiting here.

<snip>

Condemn him or me if you will for how we are handling things, but the fact still remains that most people need some type of intimacy in their lives in order to face the daily struggle known as life.

Not everyone will condemn you for reaching out in a caring way. Trust me on this. Intimacy is sometimes a rare thing in a life and when it is the cool spring from which it flows is a welcome sight.

 

[ahooohgah]

Wow, Mrs Brat. That's a bittersweet love story there. Good luck to everyone concerned. And, welcome!

 

[sheath]

Condemn him or me if you will for how we are handling things, but the fact still remains that most people need some type of intimacy in their lives in order to face the daily struggle known as life.

As a woman who knows exactly where you are coming from, you won't get any flames from this corner.

Welcome to lit.

S.

 

[CelticFrog]

I've read enough to know that infidelity is looked down upon on this board

*snippety*

Condemn him or me if you will for how we are handling things, but the fact still remains that most people need some type of intimacy in their lives in order to face the daily struggle known as life.

I don't believe there is any reason for flaming here.

Sure, I don't necessarily agree with infidelity. Still, you have put your perspective here (PERSPECTIVE. Good thing.) and you have done it with class and a well voiced opinion. You didn't come out and say, "yeah, I'm fucking him and I'll drop him when I find someone else and fuck you and I'm just looking for someone to tell me I'm right and everyone else is wrong." You state what the situation is, you don't ask us for acceptance or to make you feel better about it. You're just here without pretense to become a part of our community.

And you've already gained layers of respect from more than just me. Welcome.

Ang

 

[autoerotism]

intimacy...
falling next to someone without the need for sex.

sex...
falling asleep next to someone because your too tired to do antyhing else.

I would change it a little

falling a sleep next to someone you could have sex with but are happy to just be loved by. And if that person wants sex it is more than a fuck for them, it is because they want you to feel good. not selfish motives.

the other

falling asleep next to many someones with a smile because you physically can't move. Not caring if they are satified or not as long as you are happy.

 

[SanDguy_22]

I still prefer my definition....

 

[Kataklysm]

I can have sex without love. Or intimacy. I can't have intimacy without love and hopefully that will include sex but it's not absolutely necessary. I can be just as intimate lying in someones' arms and falling asleep or sitting and talking or watching a movie..whatever.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

To Mrs Brat