Short Story, Looking for Feedback

[exploitedfeels]

Delete.

Delete.

 

[Iceprincess12]

This would be more appropriate in the story feedback or story ideas section. If you post it in story feedback get ready for some harsh critique.

http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=1

The first thing that stands out to me is your overuse of descriptive adjectives that really don't add anything to the story. It's very wordy and difficult to read.

grandfather clock croaks
collapsing gracefully
sun-kissed body
Siren laugh

Just a few of these instead of all of them in one paragraph would be better.

"toothy kiss back...only to be met with more toothiness". This description could only be loved by a dentist. What is "toothiness". I am going to assume you wanted this to be an erotic encounter, words like this don't belong.

"my eyes followed the black heel on your left foot cross over my head, the top of your dress finally resting on my bald head."
Poorly written and I have no idea what is happening here. She is putting her foot on your head? Again, not erotic.

“It smells so good...”
Why would you refer to her as "it". Makes this very impersonal.

"bright pink inners."
What female anatomy is inners? Descriptions like this take a person out of the moment. Everyday language is what you should be using to fit with the tone.

I usually do not critique grammar but you have too many tense issues here. Past or present...pick one and stick with it.

It's nice to have an idea and put it down on paper, but you still need to proofread it before submitting. If you had read this aloud, you would have caught several mistakes and could have corrected them. There is no character develoment at all, no sense of who they are. Even though this is short you can still give some idea of their personality through dialogue.