single parenting problemo

[Shy Tall Guy]

I think councelling is going to have to be the answer.

For everybody involved, if for no other reason than to get everybody's feelings in the open.

Damn.

I screwed up my kids

No you haven't! They are just used to having you all to themselves and now they are going to have to get used to sharing you. It is a normal reaction, but one that is tough for everybody concerned as kids just aren't rational until long after they have left the nest.

I am sure you, your kids and Juspar will work it all out.

 

[Guest]

 

[Calamity Jane]

I guess Growing up with a mother who makes out in front of her kids, and has a differnt guy weekly in her bed made the point that was baing made in that class stand out more.

I get the feeling. Gawd, I'm almost 29, and my father got remarried last year. Him and mom have been divorced almost 23 years, and he's never had a girlfriend that we knew of. Suddenly, he was dating different women, introducing them to us, literally sitting on my couch making out with them. I was disgusted, and I'm an adult. The behavior is inappropriate. But I don't think that's what any of us are talking about.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Im sure this is a more extreme situation then lickys

More extreme and quite different. My parents were the opposite; they rarely showed affection for each other, and they still treat each other like children half the time - bickering about stuff. If it wasn't for the fact that it is their house and that they are adults, I would send them to separate rooms when I visit them.

I am sure this had a lot to do with my problems of showing affection to my ex-wife. Fortunately my daughter somehow learned how to act normally towards her husband, but she sure didn't learn it from her mother or myself.

So yes, there are extremes, and I am sure Licky and Juspar know where that line is, and I don't think that is the problem here. Licky's kids sound like they have some issues and counseling is probably required.

 

[Guest]

 

[lickerish]

Woah, Emerald, that first post kinda bites about not kissing and holding hands and whatnot. I can completely understand about the making out and groping in front of them.. but I'm a pretty affectionate person.. I love holding hands, and hugging and just cuddling in general, my kids know this.. as one, if not both, are usually in my personal space at least 80% of the time.

And you're NOT prude.. every one has their own comfort level. If Juspar and I had to wait 10-20 times before showing affection.. it would take a year We only get to see each other twice a month right now.

My parents never kissed beyond the 'goodbye/night' peck on the lips.. I never saw them hold hands or hug (much). It's not that they weren't affectionate, they just don't *do* that.. maybe they did that behind closed doors..

My kids certainly NEVER saw a different man in my bed on a weekly/ monthly/ yearly basis. They knew about the 2 boyfriends, and they knew that we slept in the same bed.. but they don't know about my sexual encounters with any man I've slept with. They aren't going to grow up thinking momma's a ho

I feel like showing affection is acceptable, there's no need to do it 'when they kids go to bed'.. (that's reserved for the good stuff ) but I agree that there is a fine line between innocent and not so innocent.



Freaky darlin'.. don't worry, I'm not offended at all.. you can call it as you saw it. I know you care and I definitely love ya for it. I admit it, my kids walk all over me. I don't have the heart to punish them other that spankings and timeout.. but it's getting to the point where they don't work as well anymore.

Full house tonight babe? Just as I was getting cozy too

 

[kiwiwolf]

I've been a single mom for the majority of 8 years.. I have a soon-to-be 7 and 8 year old daughters. Their dad really isn't in the picture but more than twice a year, for 5 minutes at a time. So, basically they've had only me for the long haul... and they're not keen on sharing me with anyone. I've had two 3 month relationships in the last 5 years... and I have to admit that they (my girls) have done their best at sabotaging them. They prefer me to be all theirs and theirs alone.

So, like, I've met this totally amazing guy .. it's like he stepped out of my dreams and just *poof* was there in my life. We really would like this to be long term, but my kidlets are not some happy campers. They like *him*, they just don't like him *with* mom. It makes hand holding, sitting next to each other watching tv, and other stuff, very difficult. It helps that we've both agreed that we're not going to let my girls jealousy get to us, but I've never had this be successful.. I need advice, ideas, (etc..) so...

Single parents (or not so single anymore) that have been there done that, how did you get around jealous kids and make it work?

Okay Licky, I'm not sure if this will help but it worked for me and my ex when we were getting together and then recently for her and her current SO.

To start with, you have one hell of a guy there with Juspar. He is a pretty sensitive sorta guy (for a Kiwi). Let him spend some more time with them on his own. Juspar, take the girls to the movies, or the park. Get to know them better on a personal basis, but don't give in to their every whim. Kids are pretty quick on the uptake. You need to get them to trust you before they will trust you with their mom.

Licky, you should sit them down with Juspar and tell them what your dreams and wishes are. Tell them what the pair of you want out of the relationship, and how the two girls can help. That is the key here. Give them some input into how the two of you can be happy. If they can see that their actions are going to make their mom happy then you will have an easier ride I think. I don't know if the L word has come up but if so then you have to let your girls know that you love that jug eared kiwi dude.

Aside from the above I do have a couple of other things i could share. PM me if this has helped, and remember I want an invite to the wedding. Best of luck you two. You deserve it.

 

[Bigdog]

The girls and I went up to see J last weekend and they made it absolutely miserable for us In the end, my older daughter basically had a break down... she was bawling like I've never seen her before. Hands over her eyes, rocking back and forth, begging/asking what she is doing wrong.. 'because she's the one who is supposed to take care of me'. I don't know where she picked this up, but she seems convinced that it's her duty to 'take care of me'.. love me, make me happy. When I had told her J makes me happy (earlier in the day) she assumed I thought she was doing a bad job and now it's his job. The girl was in hysterics, I was bawling my head off, and J was in his room listening to the whole thing.. he said it made him emotional too.

Why do your kids act this way? BECAUSE IT WORKS!

Lickerish, in order to break the cycle you have to change the way you react to their tantrums. When you don't become distressed by their tactics, they will stop. Learn to disengage and diffuse the emotional outbursts. Keep your cool (takes practice) and use key phrases to stay in charge. If the girls are pulling the old "you don't love me anymore" stunt, smile sweetly and say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Keep repeating it as many times as necessary until they stop trying to bait you.

I am a Toughlove parent, which sounds more ominous than it is. Basically we learn how to stand up for our rights as parents and not be pushed around. We don't advocate throwing our kids out or even using physical means of punishment. I currently help new members of our group learn how NOT to be a doormat anymore. I would be more than happy to share some tips and advise with you, just drop me a line.

For now, make sure to stress to the girls that you need Juspar because he makes you happy, not to take care of you. It took time for your daughters to slide into the "caretaker" role; it won't change overnight.

Good luck.

 

[freakygirl]

Why do your kids act this way? BECAUSE IT WORKS!

Lickerish, in order to break the cycle you have to change the way you react to their tantrums. When you don't become distressed by their tactics, they will stop. Learn to disengage and diffuse the emotional outbursts. Keep your cool (takes practice) and use key phrases to stay in charge. If the girls are pulling the old "you don't love me anymore" stunt, smile sweetly and say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Keep repeating it as many times as necessary until they stop trying to bait you.

I am a Toughlove parent, which sounds more ominous than it is. Basically we learn how to stand up for our rights as parents and not be pushed around. We don't advocate throwing our kids out or even using physical means of punishment. I currently help new members of our group learn how NOT to be a doormat anymore. I would be more than happy to share some tips and advise with you, just drop me a line.

For now, make sure to stress to the girls that you need Juspar because he makes you happy, not to take care of you. It took time for your daughters to slide into the "caretaker" role; it won't change overnight.

Good luck.

Very well put. Thank you. You said exactly what I tried to say to her during her visit.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

Hi and thanks all for your input. Life is never going to be easy, and all the assistance we get is going to be helpful, even if we don't follow it all.

My take on this, and maybe I can see it best because I can see all the details, or perhaps I'm too close to see it accurately. Anyway, I see jealousy. These kids like me, like me a lot, and the feeling is mutual. What they don't like is my time with mum. The fact that we sit next to each other, that we hold hands. They always want to get between us. When they can't get between us, the throw a tantrum "That's why I hate Juspar, because you always hug him and you never hug us."

That doesn't cut it with me, and I pretty much ignore it. But when mum and two girls have been each other's life for five years, change is hard. Especially fast change. This is the fourth weekend we've all spent together out of the six since I met Licky.

I don't think that I especially need to work on my relationship witht he kids, I play with them and talk to them allt he time. And I'm in this relationship for them too, not just Licky (*sigh*, ish baby.) That said, I expect to baby sit them on Saturdays I come to visit, while Licky works.

Lots of talking to the girls, about why mum likes me; why there are different sorts of love, that don't mean more or less.

My parents divorced when I was 5, and both moved on, dated and eventually settled down. I saw them date, and I saw the results of their final relationships. I swear to this day that happy parents and happy households was the best gift my paretns ever gave me. I hope to give that gift to my kids, and to Lickys.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Calamity Jane]

I swear to this day that happy parents and happy households was the best gift my paretns ever gave me. I hope to give that gift to my kids, and to Lickys.

Amen.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Hi and thanks all for your input. Life is never going to be easy, and all the assistance we get is going to be helpful, even if we don't follow it all.

My take on this, and maybe I can see it best because I can see all the details, or perhaps I'm too close to see it accurately. Anyway, I see jealousy. These kids like me, like me a lot, and the feeling is mutual. What they don't like is my time with mum. The fact that we sit next to each other, that we hold hands. They always want to get between us. When they can't get between us, the throw a tantrum "That's why I hate Juspar, because you always hug him and you never hug us."

That doesn't cut it with me, and I pretty much ignore it. But when mum and two girls have been each other's life for five years, change is hard. Especially fast change. This is the fourth weekend we've all spent together out of the six since I met Licky.

I don't think that I especially need to work on my relationship witht he kids, I play with them and talk to them allt he time. And I'm in this relationship for them too, not just Licky (*sigh*, ish baby.) That said, I expect to baby sit them on Saturdays I come to visit, while Licky works.

Lots of talking to the girls, about why mum likes me; why there are different sorts of love, that don't mean more or less.

My parents divorced when I was 5, and both moved on, dated and eventually settled down. I saw them date, and I saw the results of their final relationships. I swear to this day that happy parents and happy households was the best gift my paretns ever gave me. I hope to give that gift to my kids, and to Lickys.

Just be you man. You are a genuine guy who is going to be an assett to the girls upbringing. I wish nothing but the best for you, Licky, and the kids.

 

[freakygirl]

*applauds Juspar*

Those girls will come around.. Trust me. I seen it (in a little different way) when they were here.

If Licky and I were trying to talk.. or if she was directing her attention elsewhere.. they would crawl up into her lap.. or fight.. demanding her attention.

Once I put my foot firmly down.. they were getting better.

Again.. They are beautiful and smart.. I loved having them here. They just need to get past the fears they have.. and someday they will.

You are good man Juspar.. No wonder I like ya

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Hon, you know what I think.

It will get better and you'll have it work they way it should.

Take care

 

[lickerish]

Well, this weekend was a fairly good weekend overall. J was on the girls turf this time so things were a little bit more smooth. We spent Sunday at the coast and it was gorgeous, the girls played in the ocean.. Juspar read a book.. and I *tried* to get toasted (tan). We ate dinner at Mo's.. then sat on the beach with a (manly ) campfire and had roasted (or blackened, yum.) marshmallows and smores. We ended up having the girls spend the night my dads that night so that we could have some Juspar/licky 'alone' time.. and that in itself was blissful.

J had a good talk with my older daughter.. he says.. I wasn't present for it. My younger daughter, at one point, got a bit grin on her face and told me it was okay to kiss J, and she left the room. .

The girls seem to be coming around just a teeny tiny bit, but it's okay, have all the time in the world.

 

[Bindii]

Keep up the good work guys, they'll come around eventually....think baby steps.

 

[freakygirl]

I told you.. I told you.. I told you I'm glad you had such a nice weekend.


hi sexy.. love the new av

 

[lickerish]

omg. freak, you didn't just call me sexy and ya kissed me too! I think this av looks dorky, don't you?

Yeah, it was nice this weekend.. I mean, there was still a little conflict... shoving in between us, getting mad when we cuddled, etc.. there was only one moment when the girls kept walking in my room after I had repeatedly told them to stay out (we just wanted some personal time), and I got mad and lost my cool and refused to touch J (so that my kids got 'their way') for a while. It hurt him, it hurt me, my kids were confused because we had sad looks on our faces instead of smiling like we always do.. but we worked it out.

 

[freakygirl]

omg. freak, you didn't just call me sexy and ya kissed me too! I think this av looks dorky, don't you?

Yeah, it was nice this weekend.. I mean, there was still a little conflict... shoving in between us, getting mad when we cuddled, etc.. there was only one moment when the girls kept walking in my room after I had repeatedly told them to stay out (we just wanted some personal time), and I got mad and lost my cool and refused to touch J (so that my kids got 'their way') for a while. It hurt him, it hurt me, my kids were confused because we had sad looks on our faces instead of smiling like we always do.. but we worked it out.

Yes, I called you sexy.. and the av looks just like you...ya dork

a little conflict is better than alot... Sounds like things are getting better.. it will take some time, but this past weekend proves that it's possible.

 

[Calamity Jane]

YAY!

It'll work out Licky, I promise. Just keep on keepin on.