So I'm going to flunk my class...

[AvoidingRealWork]

I can't write. I sit here, in front of the computer. I got nothing. The idea of any completing any kind of writing assignment just fills me with dread.

I can't really seem to do much of anything right now. The smallest tasks (cooking food, doing laundry, cleaning, getting out of bed) seem like monumental undertakings. I have managed to get myself to keep showing up at work, but my productivity is abysmal.

I scared my wife last night when I tried to choke myself with my jacket sleeves. I was able to check myself, but the self-harm impulses keep growing greater. For some reason I decided to megadose on my med to see if I'd get seizures. Nothing has happened; I feel pretty much the same.

I've been in therapy for a year. I've been on medication for 4 months. Why do I still feel shitty?

 

[rgraham666]

Jesus! Been there and done that.

It gets better, honest.

*HUGS*

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Jesus! Been there and done that.

It gets better, honest.

*HUGS*

Thanks, Rob.

 

[jomar]

Hang on to support and hang tough. And get the meds checked, they may not be the right ones for you.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Hang on to support and hang tough. And get the meds checked, they may not be the right ones for you.

I will not go back on SSRIs. I'm not going to subject my wife to me becoming eunuch for all intents and purposes.

I may need to go to MAOIs or trycyclics. Fun fun.

Then there's the fact my therapist can't decide if I'm bipolar or not.

 

[fieryjen]

Oh, damn.

Sending you all my best thoughts.

Don't know what else to say, except echo the hang in there and stay strong.

 

[Katyusha]

Oh no...sweetie I've been there too. It's horrible to feel that way...I'm so sorry.

Get your meds checked; you may need a different dose or a different med altogether. Also, if you have any sun lamps in your house keep them on and stay near them as much as you can. If not, get one and put it in a place that you're frequently at...the sun lamps help me a bit in the winter when the depression is worse and it feels like my meds and therapy aren't as effective.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Thanks, everyone.

 

[Miss_Misaki]

Oh no...sweetie I've been there too. It's horrible to feel that way...I'm so sorry.

Get your meds checked; you may need a different dose or a different med altogether. Also, if you have any sun lamps in your house keep them on and stay near them as much as you can. If not, get one and put it in a place that you're frequently at...the sun lamps help me a bit in the winter when the depression is worse and it feels like my meds and therapy aren't as effective.

Might want to check your meds before you do that. The one I'm on tells me to avoid direct sunlight and excessive exposure to UV radiation, lol.

My depression was set on because of an event that happened when I was a kid. It's not something I was born with, so maybe I can't relate. I will say, however, that it's as much in the mind as it is in the actions. If you want to get better, you have to MAKE yourself get better. In the end, no one can make you feel better about yourself better than you. It wasn't until I tried to kill myself twice that I realized how stupid I really was, and how weird my perception of my life was.

The things a normal person would enjoy just left me angry and tired. The happy times were extreme happies, just as the sads were extreme sads. My moods swung faster than a bisexual sex marathonner (Yay, I made up a sexy sport!), and the relationships I had with the people around me were really strained. My parents got me help, and it's been a little over twenty years now, and I'm still not completely right... but one thing is decidedly different than it was at first. I WANT to be happy. I don't want to feel sorry for myself or sit around the house listlessly all day. Some days it takes a lot of effort just to get up and do stuff, but I force myself, and I rarely regret it. Life isn't exceptional, but it isn't craptastic, either. I guess you could say life is good... funny; I've never really considered it before.

It calls to mind the possibility that perhaps, your life will eventually change in the same way, but because you've been so used to looking at things through the veil of indifference and negativity, you won't see it easily either. It'll occur to you out of the blue one day, and perhaps you'll be able to remember that moment through the tougher times. I know I'll try to.

We can't fix ourselves all the time, but if we give those around us a hand, our chances are at their greatest. Just do your best, be yourself, and don't be afraid to think you deserve happiness. When you can convince yourself of that, you can do anything you want.

 

[Katyusha]

Might want to check your meds before you do that. The one I'm on tells me to avoid direct sunlight and excessive exposure to UV radiation, lol.

Sun lamps are just artificial light that has almost exactly the same wavelength as sunlight. They don't put out UV radiation or any of the other types of radiation that interact with meds.

 

[fifty5]

I can't write. I sit here, in front of the computer. I got nothing. The idea of any completing any kind of writing assignment just fills me with dread.

I can't really seem to do much of anything right now. The smallest tasks (cooking food, doing laundry, cleaning, getting out of bed) seem like monumental undertakings. I have managed to get myself to keep showing up at work, but my productivity is abysmal.

I scared my wife last night when I tried to choke myself with my jacket sleeves. I was able to check myself, but the self-harm impulses keep growing greater. For some reason I decided to megadose on my med to see if I'd get seizures. Nothing has happened; I feel pretty much the same.

I've been in therapy for a year. I've been on medication for 4 months. Why do I still feel shitty?

Hugs. (And more for the others who've been there.)

My advice (for what that's worth) is to hang on to the folk here who are on your side.

The fact that we want to help you is important.

To quote the adverts: "You're worth it!"

 

[Guest]

Yes, you are worth it.

And Freckles is worth it.

And when I see the two of you together you're so in love it makes me smile.

Do like everyone says, check your doctor for a change in medication. Share your symptoms - don't let this go any further.

Keep us informed.

 

[starrkers]

I got nothing to add but
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/starrcats/smilies/hug.gif

 

[Tricialen]

Big Hugs! I understand depression...having lived with it for the last four years....talk to your Dr...get your meds changed...talk to your wife and friends and come here for hugs and kisses as often as you need....never give up...

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Been there, doing that! Things have been better since my second medication was added. I am on celexa and welbutrin, both are anti-dep. but they work with diff chemical pathways in the brain. Maybe you need to look at adding another med?

My husband was on Zoloft for a while and had to have it switched. It completely killed his sex drive. Hopefully there is a med that will work for you without the side effects that suck!

Could you get a second opinion on the bi-polar? Your doc should shit or get off the pot as far as figuring it out, that is why they go to med school!!! That and he/she should have collegues to talk to.

Anyway.... we are keeping our fingers crossed for you, I hope things get better.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

We can't fix ourselves all the time, but if we give those around us a hand, our chances are at their greatest. Just do your best, be yourself, and don't be afraid to think you deserve happiness. When you can convince yourself of that, you can do anything you want.

Part of the problem is that there are things hanging over my head that I feel I have to do, even though not doing them doesn't really have any negative consequences. It doesn't really matter if I get an F. I'm a non-degree student, doing this for "fun." heh. But it's the whole personal honor and not wanting to burn bridges with people and all that.

What would give me happiness more than anything is not being in school so I can focus more on my job, get back in the gym, and start writing again.

Hugs. (And more for the others who've been there.)

My advice (for what that's worth) is to hang on to the folk here who are on your side.

The fact that we want to help you is important.

To quote the adverts: "You're worth it!"

Yes, you are worth it.

And Freckles is worth it.

And when I see the two of you together you're so in love it makes me smile.

Do like everyone says, check your doctor for a change in medication. Share your symptoms - don't let this go any further.

Keep us informed.

Thanks so much, both of you.

I've been on the phone with clinics and the counseling center and so forth and trying to see anyone on short notice is like pulling teeth .

I got nothing to add but
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/starrcats/smilies/hug.gif

Big Hugs! I understand depression...having lived with it for the last four years....talk to your Dr...get your meds changed...talk to your wife and friends and come here for hugs and kisses as often as you need....never give up...

I'm so glad I can come here. Sometimes it seems like this is the only place where I can be me. I don't believe in God anymore and all of my friends and family and everyone in my social circle pretty much does. So I go pretending and it's tearing me up. And the struggle of the whole issue causes my head to scream.

 

[DeeZire]

... I don't believe in God anymore and all of my friends and family and everyone in my social circle pretty much does...

Perhaps going against the grain could be where you find your strength. With the God issue, it's like you have this secret knowledge that makes you more powerful than any of your God-fearing friends and family. Have you seen the Bill Maher movie 'Religulous'? That might cheer you up.

Personally, I'm not happy unless I'm going against the grain. I find it gives me a stronger sense of self than if I surrender to convention.

The fact that you have written in the past means you will write again in the future. Inspiration, (and life) is like waves. You can't always be riding the crest. Just trust that soon you'll be on top again.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Personally, I'm not happy unless I'm going against the grain. I find it gives me a stronger sense of self than if I surrender to convention.

I feel the same way, though at the same time I have a pathological need for everyone to like me.

I'm not particularly confident on the whole God thing. I have a great fear that I might be terribly wrong.

 

[DeeZire]

...I'm not particularly confident on the whole God thing. I have a great fear that I might be terribly wrong.

If you are wrong, He won't care. He is a compassionate God, or so they say.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

If you are wrong, He won't care. He is a compassionate God, or so they say.

To my credit I don't hate God any more than I hate Apollo, Superman, or Yoda.

 

[JackLuis]

I feel the same way, though at the same time I have a pathological need for everyone to like me.

I'm not particularly confident on the whole God thing. I have a great fear that I might be terribly wrong.

I have been there and one thing I learned is decide to do something! Anything that rebonds you and your family. Remember you have family and the love has to flow both ways. Hug your wife and kids and let them lead you into the land of Milk and Honey.

If you were confident in your God he wouldn't have any power over you and if he does have power over you, he isn't watchin out for you he's just watching.

The second thing I learned form depression is, "You are on Your Own" and that means you.

Is the a God- Isn't there a God? How the Hell should you, or I, know or care?

You need to do what is best for your family and that means keeping your job.

Oh and sit down with the wife and explain to her that you will (Wash, sweep, WHat ever) and she should (what ever) Then do that for 30 days and see if it makes your life better? It can't hurt?

If it helps, it ain't a bad idea to pray now and again, it can't hurt and there maybe some placebo effect?

 

[Just-Legal]

Depression and too much going on at once is a dangerous combination - one of the hardest things I had to do was cut down DRASTICALLY on what I was doing to try and retain some "sanity". I'm probably still doing more than I should but I'm down to what I HAVE to do.

Is your employer at least aware of what's going on? When I was working that was definately a good thing, I was lucky in that I got a lot of support (and the occasional extra cig-break when customers decided I was their emotional punchbag) at work.